Letting someone help you doesn't mean that you fail. It just means you're not in it alone.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Hilarious.
So today, we're watching the game and J's phone starts ringing and he's like who is calling right now! Turns out it was Telus and the person is trying to get him to get these channels and he's trying so hard to politely say no and the person kept asking questions like why aren't you interested? He's like presently because I'm watching an important football match and long-term because I'm not interested. He's so well-spoken.
So then we get talking about annoying phone calls and he's like you know the travel agent ones? Where they ask for a credit card and if you're of legal age and they tell you they'll give you all these travel miles etc? And I'm like ya. He's like they call ALL the time and I've called more than once and politely requested that they stop so finally I got annoyed. I'm like okay what did you do. He's like now when they call I just talk to them. I ask incredibly detailed questions about the resorts and talk to them for an extended period of time. Right when they think they've suckered me and ask for my credit card I tell them that I'm not interested but I enjoyed wasting their time because they wasted mine! Then they hang up on me.
Hahaha I actually died laughing because he is the only person in the world that would be clever enough to do something like that and fully enjoy fucking with them.
Friendship.
This morning we watched the soccer game. It was a terrible game but it was nice to hang out. I haven't seen him for like a month.
He is so incredibly different when it's just us. This morning we were just laughing and chatting and watching the game. I played with Duke and I brought him a coffee. I was late because my trip to Starbuck's was an experience and he's like I was just about to make a coffee and cross you off my list. He's like never go to that mall, it's the worst. Every time I go there, something ridiculous happens or the people are like wearing stained clothes, etc.
Yesterday at their pub, someone got puked on. I can't even imagine. Like opening the door of a bathroom and someone pukes on you! DISGUSTING.
I like spending time like that because he's so different. We just talk about whatever and his guard is completely down. This morning we talked about everything from work to weddings to sex to family to school to so many other things and soccer, of course.
It sucks his grandma died, I'm glad it was his dad's not his mom's though. I think that would've been way tougher on him. He's going to Toronto on Monday and I might get Duke. I'd love if he let me have a few days with Duke. He's so cute and it would fill my wanting a pet quota, I'm sure.
It sucks that he has to see his dad, I know he's dreading it.
I think sometimes I worry whether he puts our work relationship first or our friendship. And today, I realized that he thinks of me a friend before an employee. He was telling me about his cleaning lady and he's like ugh I hate when people text me at like 12:30 at night about stupid stuff that I don't care about or early in the morning. Like I'm clearly sleeping in the morning. He's like I mean I pay you, shouldn't there be some sort of professionalism there?
And I immediately was like sorry for texting you so late last night. He's like no, no not you. You know I'm awake, it's different.
I think that's part of why I find things tough with him sometimes. I think I stand above a lot of people in his eyes. He's a very kind hearted individual and I think my own over-analysis of everything ruins a lot of what we could have. He is kind and he cares about me. He treats me well, he values me, he respects me.
That should be enough for me.
He is so incredibly different when it's just us. This morning we were just laughing and chatting and watching the game. I played with Duke and I brought him a coffee. I was late because my trip to Starbuck's was an experience and he's like I was just about to make a coffee and cross you off my list. He's like never go to that mall, it's the worst. Every time I go there, something ridiculous happens or the people are like wearing stained clothes, etc.
Yesterday at their pub, someone got puked on. I can't even imagine. Like opening the door of a bathroom and someone pukes on you! DISGUSTING.
I like spending time like that because he's so different. We just talk about whatever and his guard is completely down. This morning we talked about everything from work to weddings to sex to family to school to so many other things and soccer, of course.
It sucks his grandma died, I'm glad it was his dad's not his mom's though. I think that would've been way tougher on him. He's going to Toronto on Monday and I might get Duke. I'd love if he let me have a few days with Duke. He's so cute and it would fill my wanting a pet quota, I'm sure.
It sucks that he has to see his dad, I know he's dreading it.
I think sometimes I worry whether he puts our work relationship first or our friendship. And today, I realized that he thinks of me a friend before an employee. He was telling me about his cleaning lady and he's like ugh I hate when people text me at like 12:30 at night about stupid stuff that I don't care about or early in the morning. Like I'm clearly sleeping in the morning. He's like I mean I pay you, shouldn't there be some sort of professionalism there?
And I immediately was like sorry for texting you so late last night. He's like no, no not you. You know I'm awake, it's different.
I think that's part of why I find things tough with him sometimes. I think I stand above a lot of people in his eyes. He's a very kind hearted individual and I think my own over-analysis of everything ruins a lot of what we could have. He is kind and he cares about me. He treats me well, he values me, he respects me.
That should be enough for me.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Irony.
I posted about my scar earlier this week too. It's funny because yesterday my kids wrote a poem as a class and it was so funny because I was wearing capris and a kid said something about my scar and then a kid said we should write our poem about a bulldog.
So I told J yesterday Duke was a celebrity hahaha.
So I told J yesterday Duke was a celebrity hahaha.
Feels nice.
Speaking of my body, this week has been very nice for me. I have received so many compliments on my figure and it's just so nice to hear because I do work really hard on it. I can't tell you how many times this week I've been told I have nice legs, ass, figure; I eat well, etc.
It's nice for someone like me to be validated like that. I know, I know we should validate ourselves, but compliments certainly help.
One of the boys in my class said to me, "you are very well dressed today!" and I nearly died. I love that kid as much as he drives me more crazy than any other kid in my class, I think I love him the most too.
It's nice for someone like me to be validated like that. I know, I know we should validate ourselves, but compliments certainly help.
One of the boys in my class said to me, "you are very well dressed today!" and I nearly died. I love that kid as much as he drives me more crazy than any other kid in my class, I think I love him the most too.
Deepest sympathy.
I was really worried about him this week. On Sunday or Monday when I talked to him, he said he'd get back to me the next day. I hadn't heard from him so yesterday, I called him. He answered the phone and I was like, "are you okay?"
He concurrently was like "I AM SO SORRY, yes I am why wouldn't I be?"
I'm like well I've been pretty concerned about you this week. He's like yeah my grandma had a heart attack Sunday and died this afternoon. I'm like oh fuck. I am so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
We joked a bit via text last night and I told him to make sure he was eating and he just made fun of me basically. But he knows I care and he knows I worry about his eating habits because he is the worst. I'm actually pretty concerned with his vegan diet he's taken on now. Like you don't eat carbs, and now you're vegan? You are already 100lbs soaking wet. This doesn't seem healthy. He barely eats and he's a major stress case so I do worry about his well being, especially because I am such a fucking psychopath about my eating and my body.
It's just like the age-old addage, you know? When it rains, it pours. I just feel so bad for those boys; they can't catch a break.
He concurrently was like "I AM SO SORRY, yes I am why wouldn't I be?"
I'm like well I've been pretty concerned about you this week. He's like yeah my grandma had a heart attack Sunday and died this afternoon. I'm like oh fuck. I am so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
We joked a bit via text last night and I told him to make sure he was eating and he just made fun of me basically. But he knows I care and he knows I worry about his eating habits because he is the worst. I'm actually pretty concerned with his vegan diet he's taken on now. Like you don't eat carbs, and now you're vegan? You are already 100lbs soaking wet. This doesn't seem healthy. He barely eats and he's a major stress case so I do worry about his well being, especially because I am such a fucking psychopath about my eating and my body.
It's just like the age-old addage, you know? When it rains, it pours. I just feel so bad for those boys; they can't catch a break.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
I'm modest though, really.
I'm so fucking amazing and just got 100 percent on my Proserve without doing the coursework. I would REALLY like to print the 100 percent, frame it, and post it on the wall at work to reiterate to all those bitches who criticize me that I'm still superior at my job and that's why I get what I get. Nice big fuck you.
If only I were actually that big of a bitch.
If only I were actually that big of a bitch.
Monday, April 13, 2015
I am without any doubts bat shit fucking crazy.
What do you do when you recognize flaws in yourself but don't know how to change them?
Ugh.
The other day mom made a joke about my "love scar" hahahahaha. I was so annoyed because she has a point like that fucker made a physical scar on me the first day I ever hung out with him and I'm going to carry it with me for the rest of my life. I laugh when I think about S and J explaining my spaghetti leg but realistically it's annoying. As if you hadn't impacted me enough emotionally and psychologically, you HAD to add a physical reminder.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
The comfort of getting lost in the words of another world.
"I assure you to leave off reading was like tearing myself away from the shelter of an old and solid friendship."
-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness
Indebted.
It's absolutely mind blowing that on April 14th we opened last year and by April 26, I realized I was falling for J. It took me years to even consider that I could be happy with someone else and on May 15 I had let go of number twelve.
He transformed my life in a way I didn't think was possible.
He transformed my life in a way I didn't think was possible.
Over-analyze.
I want to talk to him but there's nothing to say, nothing imperative anyway. If I spoke to him, it would be obvious that I was just talking because I missed him.
I wonder if he thinks like this. Of course he doesn't. Men don't. But I wish he did. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. Simple as that.
Moments matter.
I think sometimes we want so much and we forget to just be grateful for the moments that changed our world. I'm grateful for the moments in my life where I realized the value of the moment at the time.
You make me feel safe.
Safety. That's perhaps the most integral part of a relationship. I need him to make me feel safe. I think that's why I went back to number twelve for so long. I felt so safe in his arms.
The strongest people rarely recognize their own strength.
"It's funny you always think everyone's as strong as you are".
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