good thing i'm leaving.

why does this alllwaaayyyssss happen to you? do you ever catch a break?
these are the words from dragons mouth today. and it's so true. i can never catch a flipping break. i do not initiate drama (in all but the number 12 case) and still i am always surrounded in it. maybe i will run away and never come back.

don't even get me started.

fucking sofa king. fuck, fuck, fuck.
you have a girlfriend. i have no idea how many other ways to say it other than: YOU HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did you want me to wear a sign that says 'i am not your girlfriend'. ugh. please do not tell me you are upset you won't see me for two weeks. please do not tell me that i am coming out when i say i am not. and please do not wake me up at 4am to say extremely inappropriate things.
that'd be appreciated, thanks.

please go away.

why do i still care?
i say i don't but i really do. and i always will. i want to say i don't care. but i hate him, i hate him so much. i don't hate people, but him, i hate. and because i care enough to hate him, i care. and i hate that i care. i hate that i know if he asked me to fix things, i'd give him a chance to apologize. and i'd probably be friends with him again despite the fact i know how unhealthy it is.
how does one fucking person have so much affect on a life.

i breathe in, i breathe out.

i am such a mess.
like even taking a breath is like stressful. i breathe in and it's like you can hear stress. it's so flustering. i am going to have so much to do while i'm gone it like won't even be relaxing. and i'm trying so hard because i need this break sooo bad.

unorganization.

wait, wait!!
did you say you wanted to take me to jamaica in 4 days ?

love was easy; when we didn't make it so hard.

i'm sorry to disagree with you jason aldean, but in my experience
love has never been easy.

oh tswift.

today was a fairytale
i wore a dress
you wore a dark grey t-shirt
you told me i was beautiful when i looked like a mess
today was a fairytale
time slows down whenever your around.

you know i'm such a fool for you.

i also would reallly like to clean my condo.
and i really need to clean my room in red deer.
apparently i need to get my shit together.

i wanna know you.

i am really behind in 3 of 4 classes. i need to stop procrastinating and actually do my homework. tonight i'm going to watch american idol and get to bed early. tomorrow it's time to step up and crack down.
things to do:
-soci deviance and social control chapters 3-5
-soci deviance and social control in sport(which my prof wrote) chapter 5
-poli into to gov't and politics 29-50 and 88-110
-hist week 2 and 3 online
-hist anatomy of fascism chapters 1 and 2
-hist lenin, stalin and hitler:the age of social catastrophe chapters 1-3

to do before sunday night:
-history essay writing quiz
- poli writing assignment
- poli intro to gov't and politics 126-145

to do monday:
-history week 4 online
-hsitory the age of social catastrophe chapter 4
- poli braving the new world (academic essays) 83-91

state of the union.

i wish i loved him. i know how weird that sounds, to wish you loved someone. i care about him, i really do but i'm not in love with him. he makes me smile and it's really nice to know someone cares about you as much as he cares about me, especially because he doesn't care about anything, or so he lets people believe. he loves me, i know he does. i can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he tells stories about me and the way he speaks to me.
i wish i could love him back because it's really hard to find someone that would do anything to avoid breaking your heart. however, in our relationship, i'm always trying to make sure i don't break his heart again. i don't want to put him through what i went through for three years. it's not fair and it's painful. i really do love him, i'm just not in love with him. and i wonder if that's enough.

number 12.

does anybody know what causes nosebleeds? or if it's bad to get like 4-6 a month?
i don't actually know but number twelve gets them all the time and it doesn't sound overly healthy to me.

political science.

i actually love my poli-sci class. like i love my prof. today he sked us if we thought the world was still uni-polar, which means it's basically run by one country, that there is no balance of power. most people said no, the americans were losing strength and the balance was resurfacing. he told us the top 14 countries defence spending adds up to over 50 billion dollars a year LESS than the americans alone, do we still think there's a balance of power?
he said he's constructed a plan, that one day stephen harper will wake up and decide to invade north dakota. yes, north dakota. why? because apparently there is nothing of value there so it'd be the canadian thing to do. then we will rename it just dakota.
contrarily, evidence proves the americans will respond. and if the americans decided to invade winnipeg, because there is nothing there either, they would take over all of canada. and refer to it as north, north dakota. because they aren't clever enough to come up with a proper name.
bahaha maybe you had to be there but he cracks me up.

chauvinist.

there are so many boys in my life that are chauvinistic even if they contend that they only 'joke' about it. i'm not going to lie most of the time i just brush it off and am like grow up. i'd like to say i'm not a feminist, but i am. and up until my introduction to sociology class last semester i never really knew what a feminist was. i thought they were into not shaving their legs and basically lesbians, etc. not that there is anything wrong with that. but i do believe in the feminist theory and how men and woman should be treated equally. my father is a chauvinist, sunshine was a chauvinist, tc(big brother) is a chauvinist, and sofa king is a chauvinist. it's just part of my life.

appreciated frustration.

alright so i had such a terrible day that i don't really feel like writing down right now, maybe later. but sofa king like calls me and he's like hey bud i heard you had a really bad day and i wanted to see if you were alright. what happened? is there anything i can do?
you can not try and fix it from another city when you have a girlfriend is what you can do. i truly appreciate that you care, but i really don't want to go through the "i have a girlfriend but i'm gonna treat brooke beyond friend thing again". not with someone else. i'm sorry, i know it's not fair. but i feel like there's a line. i just don't feel like it's fair to half have me. or vice versa, i don't want to half have you.

today was a fairytale.

you told me i was beautiful when i looked like a mess.

what the f.

can i just tell you how much i love missing friends??

when it rains.

be loved but never love.

attach but never combine.

trip but never fall.

to be broken is better than shattered.

tell him of your strength;

but never of your past.

be trustworthy but never trust.

be cracked but never open.

just another song about missing you.

the epitome of elegance.

walk on.

i've done everything to move on like i'm supposed to, but i still miss you.

you're never gonna be anybody else.

you can't take it back.

do you have to? do you have to?

you've got me wrapped around your finger. do you have to let it linger?

do you have to?
do you have to?

eight second ride.

best friends drinking together,

story of my life.

pretty girl.

flying machine.

this is what i don't love you feels like.

don't look down.

life, unexpected.

you don't step into love.

you fall;head over heels.

please, not again.

'it's fearless
to fall in love with your best friend,
even though he's in love with someone else.'

taylor ^2

tswift and chace crawford would make a beautiful couple. but being that tswift is with tlautner i think they are adorable. they look really into each other and really happy. he is like hellooooo sexy and she is like so gorgeous. it's kind of weird she's older than him but maybe that's my weird age complex. i hope she can write a beautiful love song about this and it doesn't have to end in some brutal broken hearted songs. however any songs that are the result of tswift's experiences are generally based on the story of my life so in essence she will always have some sort of tragic love story of painful broken endings.
tswift and tlautner, i wish you the best.

the beauty of love.

gorgeous. x2

consider me gone.

seriously she can pull aannyything off.

timeless.

stunning.

a red light.

some are coming home,

some are leaving town;

while my world's c r a s h i n g down.

you drive me crazy half the time.

watch me strike a match on all my wasted time.

state the obvious, i didn't get my perfect fantasy.
i realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me.

i really, really hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive.

as far as i'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

i hate that it reminds me of him.

theodore roosevelt.

"it is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

hakuna matata.

it mean's 'no worries' for the rest of your days.
it's a problem-free philosophy.

ralph waldo emerson.

"whatever you do, you need courage. whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you are wrong. there are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. to map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them. "

robert frost.

the best way out is always through.

martin luther king jr.

"if you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. and so today i still have a dream."

valentine's day.

young love.

full of promise;

ignorant of r e a l i t y.

keshavan nair

"with courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble. courage is the foundation of integrity."

eleanor roosevelt.

"you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. you must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

whatcha wanna be married to me for anyways?

so i can kiss you
a n y t i m e i want.

sweet home alabama.

maybe i'll just fly south for the winter.

since when does it have to be either or

you can have roots and wings.

deterioration.

for awhile i was doing so well. like i can't even explain it. and then it seems like everything just fell apart. i am so unbelievably stressed out and i have no idea why. i am in such excruciating pain it's ridiculous. i always know when i am stressed because i can feel my entire body breaking down. i get really off eating habits, i can't sleep properly, my back and neck hurt beyond imagination, i broke out, i'm just really and truly an absolute mess.

not so sunny.

arrival at billy's was pleasant; watching sofa king and sunshine's mothers dance on the bar, hilariously entertaining. sofa king's dad told me to go say hello to sofa king's mom so i did and she gave me a huge hug telling me to come around more often. momma b(sunshine's mom) to my surprise gave me a huge hug and told me she missed me; slightly awkward as i presume she knows the story and i haven't spoken to her son in four months.
km(sofa king's girlfriend) and were having so much fun in the middle of a lovely conversation when sunshine approaches looks at her says, "you first", looks at me and says, "you next". first of all you are not my parent disciplining my sister and i for getting in a fight? second, i haven't spoken to you in a long time for a legitimate reason.
km and sunshine have a conversation that ends up with her in tears and him being his conceited asshole ish self.
sunshine and i have a 'conversation' or yelling match whichever way you prefer to interpret it. i've never been so insulted. i seriously have never been so close to punching someone in the face than i was that night. i would like to know what happened to him, how he got that way. he is an entirely different person than the boy i fell head over heels in love with. and yes, i said love.

let's start with friday.

friday morning: one waste of a class, one drive home running entirely out of windshield washer fluid and almost out of gas.
friday afternoon: lunch with sofa king and big brother. sim's with sofa king(hence nickname sofa king).
friday night: supper with the fam at bki during which sunshine phoned me and baffled me beyond comprehensioin. starbucks. wicked game of beer pong in which pd and i owned!! (10-3; meaning they lost by 7 cups hahahaha) then billy's. where to start with billy's.

what a weekend.

being that i finally have time to catch up on blog reading;
s, i reeeallllyyyyy needed that tonight.
thank you.