I need 12.

Mom has cancer and I'm terrified but I cannot say that out loud.

Depise that fuck.

Sometimes it pains me when people ask about LG because I am so far removed from that friendship. I miss it sometimes but I'd never let her know that. She texts and snaps me a lot. She sends me messages about missing me about every 6 weeks. And as much as I love her as a person, I don't love her lifestyle and I HATE her boyfriend.
I want to be friends with her but I refuse to even put myself in the vicinity of her boyfriend because I hate him so much.
I cannot respect someone wjo has hit his girlfriend and called her best friend a cunt. I think that's the toughest part for me. I tried to forgive him. But the whole calling me a cunt and never apologizing thing is just something I cannot forgive. He said some of the mosr atrocious things I've ever heard. And I have it saved so that next time he abuses her I have proof of his history.
I think what I don't understand most is that the rest of her friends and family act like it's perfectly okay. It's not okay. It is never ever okay to hit a woman. I cannot wrap my head around it. I will neber ever respect him. If she asked me to xome to her wedding tomorrow, I couldn't say yes. I know she wouldn't, I mean she's made it pretty clear where her loyalties lie in the last year. It killed me for her to not defend me when he called me a cunt; in fact,she justified it. But this year, I didn't even get invited to her birthday. I think a huge part of her reasoning is that she knew i wouldn't go. And I think it would be to hard for her to handle me saying no.
I think me rejecting her offer would be hardèr for her than her not inviting me. I'm okay. Obviously it was tough but I 1) couldn't have gone anyway and 2) wouldn't go to anything he was attending if my life depended on it. I despise him.
It's probably a bit much and I'm probably overreacting about the cunt comment. I think it's the combination. The whole cjnt thing coupled with hitting my best firiend and no apology is just too much. It's unforgivable.

Yes, please.

I'm literally in love with a trainer at my gym. I want to get personal training sessions just to stare at him. Actually though. He is so beautiful. He is tall, dark, handsome. He's in good shape but not like grossly jacked.
We always make eye contact and like it's a lingering eye contact not the kind where you look away quickly. He is beautiful. So today, I was getting ready to leave the gym and he opened the door for me (when he wasn't even working) to be a gentleman. Then he was polite too. Like I was blushing and melting at the same time. I'm pretty sure my voice squeaked when I said thank you. ahaha.
I actually really appreciate chivalry though. It is one of those things that really mean a lot to me. When a man opens the door for me I am like silly putty in the knees. I think it is so sexy for a man to want to be a man.

Pumped.

I am actually so excited about my new job. It is going to be wonderful. The two owners actually know what the fuck they are talking about. When you have worked in a restaurant, you can understand so quickly whether or not someone understand the industry.
The menu looks good and a variety. The drinks look good. They are appealing to a lot of gluten-free and vegetarian people also which is neat.
I really appreciate the owners' understanding about servers though. They are so straight up like, we get it you want to make money but so do we so customer service is paramount. They have won the award for the last 4 years for their other restaurants.
They also believe strongly in treating their staff well. They provide a variety of incentives, including giving you money for finding good staff, doing well on audits, and just being a good employee. They will give you straight cash for doing a good job or they will send you on trips with their miles to wherever you want to go. HOW AWESOME IS THAT. There's a girl right now who's going to maui for 10 days and they paid for her flights.
They also blatantly said no cliques, no being mean to new people, we're a team. And that's what I love to hear. Everything they believe in are things I believe in with regard to the industry.
We also played a game of the price is right so they showed us an item (ex. a diet coke bib, napkins, beer glass, wine glass, ranch dressing, plates, clamato, etc.) and we had to guess how much it was. The closest person without going over got a 10$ gift card to Starbucks or iTunes. It was such a good way to get your staff to think about the waste and to improve their morale.
Anyways they seem pretty down to earth. So I'm really excited.

Courage, sincerity and self respect.

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Don't put dirt on my grave just yet.

This time it's goodbye trouble. I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I get stronger with every step. Come hell, come high water; push on me, I'm gonna push back harder. I've got a whole lot more than a little bit left. So don't put dirt on my grave just yet.

Another night alone.

And again, I lay here wide awake wishing you were here, right next to me.

I don't know how it gets better than this.

I almost mentioned it to B today. I refrained. Sometimes I am annoyed of myself and how much I speak of him. I can only imagine how annoyed of me other people are.
I know, I know. I should get over it. And the reason I haven't found anybody else is because I'm not open. And I still think of him because I haven't found anybody else worth my while.
That's exactly it. I haven't found anybody else worth my while. I haven't found anybody else that can reach down into the deepest, darkest part of my soul and just understand. And I think maybe that's just it. I don't know if I really believe that you get that kind of love more than once in a lifetime. I believe that I'm deserving of that kind of love but I don't believe you get that kind of love twice. I think it's Fitzgerald that speaks in Gatsby about all the types of love, but never the same love twice. As much as I shouldn't, I believe in our love. I believe in him. And I believe in myself. I believe in our ability to do great things together.
So no, I haven't found anybody else. I don't need to find someone else. I need him.

It's a small world.

It's funny you know, B and T's first real trip/date was in Banff. So was number twelve and mine.

I'm trying to get through the day after you.

Five years ago in March right around this time I was aleo in Banff, only it was for an entirely different reason. My life changed on thay trip and it has never been the same since.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Some days I just think to myself, damn I miss him. And by some days, I mean every single day. I see couples doing things and I wish it was us. I do things with my family or by myself and I wish he was with me.

It's hard because in my head I can consciously explain to myself why he cannot be here right now. I can understand why we need to grow and live and learn to love ourselves.
In my heart I miss him every second of every day. And I have to convince myself over and over to not contact him. I want to so badly.
I need it to be him. I know how stubborn he is and I am trying with everything inside of me to be strong enough. Every day I just want to call him. I want to know how he doing. I want to lay in his arms.