I think that's a compliment?

I wasn't even allowed to wear sweatpants to school growing up.
"That's because you're not trash, B".

Love the life you love.

Some people just make me smile.

Nothing more to say, nothing left to break.

It's kind of funny you know? How things work out.
The other day number 12 sent me a message asking if I would be around RD this week. I said no, not likely, why?
He wanted to have coffee or something. He suggested we do it when he's home later in the summer. I think living in Cowtown right now is the best possible thing for me. But somehow, I was proud of myself because had this been a year ago, I would have driven home today to see him. I have the day off, there's no real reason why I couldn't drive home today. I just didn't. I feel like seeing him at this point would be counterproductive. I have spent the last 8-9 months trying to convince myself  I will be okay without him. And yeah, I had a break a few weeks ago and messaged him because I was so overwhelmed with everything with mom that I needed some stability. And unfortunately, old habits die hard. The last time I felt so certain that things would be okay, I was laying in his arms. And I wanted to feel that again. But somehow, I don't. We spoked a little on and off for a few weeks but I don't find myself waiting for his response or rushing to respond. I haven't even responded to his last message because until now, I kind of forgot about it.
I think I just finally reached this point where I got tired of fighting for him. I wanted to reach this point 9 months ago, and a year ago and 3 years ago, but I just wasn't ready. I am so tired of trying to convince him how much I love him. I will always love him, but I shouldn't have to convince him that he loves me. And at this point, it really does have to be him.
In the most honest and authentic way I can, I have let go.

I don't want to let you go, but you're already gone.

Nothing more to give, nothing left to take.
I keep kept reaching out for you as you turn turned away.

interesting.

In case I wasn't already crushing hard, I found out that J moved in with his mother when she got sick to take care of her. Then he would fly with her to Germany for her treatments. Like that kind of love for a mother melts my heart. It also helps me understand his personality, including his isolation.

So simple yet so complex.

Humans are incredible. The way they cope with things is pretty neat. Humans are so simple in the way we exist yet so complex at the same time.
Our defense mechanisms actually fascinate me.