Saturday, December 3, 2011
I promised you.
"But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep."
-Robert Frost.
And miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep."
-Robert Frost.
one condition.
"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me."
"That shouldn't be a problem."
You broke the only rule.
"That shouldn't be a problem."
You broke the only rule.
Friday, December 2, 2011
please, just break.
That 'ol picture frame keeps hangin' round
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and she'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break
And I swear my truck's got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin' it can take
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
This 'ol heart's got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin' on to yesterday
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and she'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break
And I swear my truck's got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin' it can take
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
This 'ol heart's got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin' on to yesterday
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break
please, inspire me.
I just want to be inspired. I used to be inspired all the time. But it seems like these days, you just can't make me believe in anything.
I don't think there's something particular that defines inspiration. I mean, I used to come across a photograph and be inspired. Or come across a beautiful piece of writing and be inspired. Or a movie, or a child, or a relationship. There are things like the first snow of the season, and I hate winter, but its beauty inspired me. I'd give anything to feel that again. To feel anything.
I don't think there's something particular that defines inspiration. I mean, I used to come across a photograph and be inspired. Or come across a beautiful piece of writing and be inspired. Or a movie, or a child, or a relationship. There are things like the first snow of the season, and I hate winter, but its beauty inspired me. I'd give anything to feel that again. To feel anything.
now the numb set in, he's gone like the wind, and I can barely feel the pain.
I should've just called it like I saw it.
I should've just called for help and ran like hell that day.
The burn and the sting and the high and the heat
and the 'left me wanting more' feeling way he kissed me.
I should've just called him whiskey.
I should've just called for help and ran like hell that day.
The burn and the sting and the high and the heat
and the 'left me wanting more' feeling way he kissed me.
I should've just called him whiskey.
life makes love look hard.
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves,
they'll judge it like they know about me and you.
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
the jury's out, but my choice is you.
It's not there's to speculate if it's wrong
and your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song.
they'll judge it like they know about me and you.
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
the jury's out, but my choice is you.
It's not there's to speculate if it's wrong
and your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song.
oh john.
"If you're in trouble, or hurt or need - go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help - the only ones. "
-steinbeck.
-steinbeck.
education.
"I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit."
- J. Steinbeck
- J. Steinbeck
in a box beneath my bed, is 28 letters you've never read.
"I have owed you this letter for a very long time-but my fingers have avoided the pencil as though it were an old and poisoned tool. "
- John Steinbeck
- John Steinbeck
adventure.
"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. "
-John Steinbeck
-John Steinbeck
Virgo- November 30, 2011.
You may now be dealing with a relationship issue, Virgo. If there is trouble in a romantic relationship, it may have to do with trust. Either you are having trouble having faith in someone, or someone is suspicious of you. This comes down to the foundation of your relationship and strengthening of your bond is called for. Dedicate more time to your lover. Time may also be an issue if your conflict is in a personal or family relationship. Someone is feeling neglected, and really needs more nurturing and closeness with you. Reach out- this person is certainly worth the effort.
Taurus- November 30, 2011
There is something important that you hope to accomplish, and it's been on your mind a lot lately. This task is essential to achieving something you desire very much. But all you can seem to think about is how you aimed for this goal before and failed. You are probably recalling all your misguided efforts, your mistakes, and the feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness that they stir up. But you are forgetting the upside0 you are selectively forgetting how you excelled in some aspects of your pursuit. Focus on your strengths now, and you will strengthen your weaknesses too.
tears stream down your face.
The wind here is ridiculous and I cannot sleep as a result. As well my mind is fucked, not that that's unusual. But I am actually a disast today. I had a sad morning then the whole homicide thing. I don't know I miss number twelve and I'm just blah.
Anyways now I'm going to watch A Walk to Remember so I can cry myself to sleep and at least semi- have a reason.
Anyways now I'm going to watch A Walk to Remember so I can cry myself to sleep and at least semi- have a reason.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I seriously love him.
This is how my roommate cheers me up bahahahahahahaha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1tB-yYKQDg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1tB-yYKQDg
really reassuring.
What makes it worse is just the reiteration that the Canadian justice system is a croc of shit. Like as if I didn't already have issues with the justice system after being assaulted and having nothing come from it except being accused myself of making it up.
fucking horseshit.
I seriously had a spaz attack today. I'm so unbelieveably upset.
So there was a girl in Medicine Hat who killed her entire family when she was twelve years old with her 23 year old boyfriend. They stabbed them to death. So today I learned that she was released. And that seh was given a new identity and now goes to Mount Royal.
This is the Canadian Justice System. It's absolute bullshit. Like seriously, I'm so frustrated. I don't understand. I realize that the Youth Justice Act is there to protect young offenders. But what I don't get is how someone can premeditate and kill their entire family in cold blood and get out 6 years later. Like the Youth Justice Act should protect kids who get into the wrong things like a gang or drugs based on a poor situation that actually have a chance at being rehabilitated.
You've got to be fucking stupid if you think that a twelve year old girl that stabbed her little brother in the face can be rehabilitated. Go fuck yourself. That is the biggest bullshit in the world. And now, she might be in a class with one of my friends. No. That is just plain wrong. She has a right to get a degree and move on? What about the remainder of her class who has a right to go to school and feel safe and not have a threat that they're going to be murdered by the dumb bitch sitting beside them? What about their rights?
And the fact that she was released on the basis that "her brain wasn't fully developed at twelve to understand the severity and the consequences of her actions". Oh really? I'm pretty sure I was a whole lot younger than twelve when I understood that murder was wrong! This has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Seriously, as if you ever thought murdering your entire family was not absolutely and completely fucked.
So there was a girl in Medicine Hat who killed her entire family when she was twelve years old with her 23 year old boyfriend. They stabbed them to death. So today I learned that she was released. And that seh was given a new identity and now goes to Mount Royal.
This is the Canadian Justice System. It's absolute bullshit. Like seriously, I'm so frustrated. I don't understand. I realize that the Youth Justice Act is there to protect young offenders. But what I don't get is how someone can premeditate and kill their entire family in cold blood and get out 6 years later. Like the Youth Justice Act should protect kids who get into the wrong things like a gang or drugs based on a poor situation that actually have a chance at being rehabilitated.
You've got to be fucking stupid if you think that a twelve year old girl that stabbed her little brother in the face can be rehabilitated. Go fuck yourself. That is the biggest bullshit in the world. And now, she might be in a class with one of my friends. No. That is just plain wrong. She has a right to get a degree and move on? What about the remainder of her class who has a right to go to school and feel safe and not have a threat that they're going to be murdered by the dumb bitch sitting beside them? What about their rights?
And the fact that she was released on the basis that "her brain wasn't fully developed at twelve to understand the severity and the consequences of her actions". Oh really? I'm pretty sure I was a whole lot younger than twelve when I understood that murder was wrong! This has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Seriously, as if you ever thought murdering your entire family was not absolutely and completely fucked.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
simba.
TFLN (519): And then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and said, "SIMBA".
Alright so S, sent me that tweet the other day. And legit it's hilarious and you all know it. But tonight I showed K and then later we were talking about something and he looks at me and he's like "ya right, he totally simba'd the fuck out of her".
bahahahahahahahahaha I seriously died. I was like really, did you actually just say that?
and he's like yep, better get used to it.
Alright so S, sent me that tweet the other day. And legit it's hilarious and you all know it. But tonight I showed K and then later we were talking about something and he looks at me and he's like "ya right, he totally simba'd the fuck out of her".
bahahahahahahahahaha I seriously died. I was like really, did you actually just say that?
and he's like yep, better get used to it.
teacher.
I also got my practicum final assessment today and the categories are weak, below average, satisfactory, above average, superior, and exceptional. All of mine were exceptional and superior except like four were above average because of my tone of voice hahaha. Apparently I don't speak very well to six year olds understanding level.
I legitimately had the funniest day in my class which I'll explain tomorrow.
I legitimately had the funniest day in my class which I'll explain tomorrow.
so funny.
We also spent like an hour tonight being super critical and arguing over who is better looking. I was fighting for my lady Adriana Lima and he was throwing out broads I've never heard of... like Christano Ronaldo's girlfriend. But it was funny because I was like yeah I think she's pretty.
The funniest part of it is that it started because I asked if he watched it yet and he's like no that's so gay B. And I argued with him saying it wasn't. Then he said did you watch gkjgu (some sort of wrestling something or other bahaha) and I was like fuck no. That's so lame. And he's like you know what you're lame and started beaking the hell out of me.
And I was like let me get this straight, you watch two guys fakely rolling around grabbing each other (aka gay porn) but you think watching mostly naked girls walk down a runway at a pretty reasonable concert and I'm gay? bahahaha yes, this is our life.
The funniest part of it is that it started because I asked if he watched it yet and he's like no that's so gay B. And I argued with him saying it wasn't. Then he said did you watch gkjgu (some sort of wrestling something or other bahaha) and I was like fuck no. That's so lame. And he's like you know what you're lame and started beaking the hell out of me.
And I was like let me get this straight, you watch two guys fakely rolling around grabbing each other (aka gay porn) but you think watching mostly naked girls walk down a runway at a pretty reasonable concert and I'm gay? bahahaha yes, this is our life.
lucky I have a great roommate.
"What do you think keeps us from drifting apart but stops us from being together?"
Bahahahah okay, okay I'm a bitch I know. But seriously, this is such a funny thing. About a month ago, K's ex-girlfriend text him that one night. And he is such a goof and like acts like she's so awful and blah blah. It's so funny because he still like skypes with her and like talks to her lots. They are like number twelve and I in the fact they were kinda together for a lot longer than they were actually together. And I think he really does love her, but he'll never admit it. He's one of those guys. The one who is a complete douchebag ninety-nine percent of the time, but at the end of the day, he'd do anything for you if you really needed him to and he cared about you.
Honestly, I love K. He is so good to me. He does so much shit around the house without ever complaining and he tapes my shows for me and he takes out the garbage/ does recycling because he knows I hate it so much (Lethvegas is so stupid, they don't pick up your recycling... idiots. What would encourage people to recycle if you don't pick it up with garbage). And he picks me up when I'm drunk hahaha. But he's really big brotherly too. Like when I had my stalker issue he was like if you want me to come home right now I will. I'll take care of it if I need to. And this year, on the one year anniversary (fuck I make it sound like a celebration... I'm really celebrating the fact I survived and am doing okay) since I got assaulted, he was like I wish that fucker would come here so I could just kill the fucker. Take him out to the bar and I'll have a nice 'conversation' with him. And even when he heard about number twelve's sister he's like if number twelve wants someone to beat that fucker, I will. He's just like that. Super tough guy, asshole, makes fun of me all the time and makes me laugh with the rudest, most ridiculous comments, but would seriously do anything for me if I needed it.
Bahahahah okay, okay I'm a bitch I know. But seriously, this is such a funny thing. About a month ago, K's ex-girlfriend text him that one night. And he is such a goof and like acts like she's so awful and blah blah. It's so funny because he still like skypes with her and like talks to her lots. They are like number twelve and I in the fact they were kinda together for a lot longer than they were actually together. And I think he really does love her, but he'll never admit it. He's one of those guys. The one who is a complete douchebag ninety-nine percent of the time, but at the end of the day, he'd do anything for you if you really needed him to and he cared about you.
Honestly, I love K. He is so good to me. He does so much shit around the house without ever complaining and he tapes my shows for me and he takes out the garbage/ does recycling because he knows I hate it so much (Lethvegas is so stupid, they don't pick up your recycling... idiots. What would encourage people to recycle if you don't pick it up with garbage). And he picks me up when I'm drunk hahaha. But he's really big brotherly too. Like when I had my stalker issue he was like if you want me to come home right now I will. I'll take care of it if I need to. And this year, on the one year anniversary (fuck I make it sound like a celebration... I'm really celebrating the fact I survived and am doing okay) since I got assaulted, he was like I wish that fucker would come here so I could just kill the fucker. Take him out to the bar and I'll have a nice 'conversation' with him. And even when he heard about number twelve's sister he's like if number twelve wants someone to beat that fucker, I will. He's just like that. Super tough guy, asshole, makes fun of me all the time and makes me laugh with the rudest, most ridiculous comments, but would seriously do anything for me if I needed it.
6+6.
"Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment -
because that's the moment he'll appear."
-Carrie Bradshaw
because that's the moment he'll appear."
-Carrie Bradshaw
wheat board.
Also, did you know the wheat board was dissolved on Monday? Yeah, apparently the Harper government had a vote on it and it is now gone. Interesting hey?
Funniest part is that my roommate didn't even know what it was. He's from BC but still hahaha.
And also hahaha I started making fun of DK in the class I learned about it in and he's like get a life blah blah starts beaking me back then I told him what I was learning about and he's like ya kay please feel free to make fun of me instead hahahaha.
Funniest part is that my roommate didn't even know what it was. He's from BC but still hahaha.
And also hahaha I started making fun of DK in the class I learned about it in and he's like get a life blah blah starts beaking me back then I told him what I was learning about and he's like ya kay please feel free to make fun of me instead hahahaha.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I only want you to be happy, I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me.
Nate Archibald: "You still love her eh?"
Chuck Bass: "I can't imagine the day I won't."
Theres's no other way to explain it.
Chuck Bass: "I can't imagine the day I won't."
Theres's no other way to explain it.
From the words of a male history professor:
"Most of us get power through love. Having someone's love gives you immense power. When someone loves you, they trust you and they will reveal parts of themself they aren't proud of."
Tonight was such a fucked night. I had an assignment due today so I did that and handed it in and then I came home and had like a two hour nap. And then I got up and while we were cooking supper the bitch upstairs was stomping around. Like she's seriously ignorantly rude all the time. She always slams drawers and stomps around and I just don't get it. So tonight she was stomping around so then K turned on the tv to a brutal music channel and then cranked it to piss her off (mature I know). So she stomped on the fucking ground. You're 45 and fat bitch stfu.
So then, I rush to the university to tutor. And for something fucking new she didn't show up. And I am actually strongly considering to quit tutoring her after I get paid. So THEN I come home and the bitch put on high heels to stomp around. Like are you fucking kidding me?
So I was like K, are you gonna be mad if I yell at her? And he was like nah. I don't think he actually thought I'd do it. And I was like take off your stupid fucking high heels. I legitimately yelled so loud and he just started killing himself laughing. He was cracking up and couldn't believe I actually snapped. I never do that and he's never really seen me mad hahah he listens to me bitch a lot but I was actually so mad. I'm so tired of inconsiderate people, like have some common fucking courtesy for others. And he just thought he was hilarious because he's like you are so shitty at being mad bahahaha and continually beaked me all night long.
So then, I rush to the university to tutor. And for something fucking new she didn't show up. And I am actually strongly considering to quit tutoring her after I get paid. So THEN I come home and the bitch put on high heels to stomp around. Like are you fucking kidding me?
So I was like K, are you gonna be mad if I yell at her? And he was like nah. I don't think he actually thought I'd do it. And I was like take off your stupid fucking high heels. I legitimately yelled so loud and he just started killing himself laughing. He was cracking up and couldn't believe I actually snapped. I never do that and he's never really seen me mad hahah he listens to me bitch a lot but I was actually so mad. I'm so tired of inconsiderate people, like have some common fucking courtesy for others. And he just thought he was hilarious because he's like you are so shitty at being mad bahahaha and continually beaked me all night long.
love that fashion show.
I'm seriously going to the gym for 230858320385385923870239985 hours tomorrow. I love the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. I just think that it's incredible. The girls are so gorgous and usually in better shape (not completely disgustingly skinny). You look at models like Tyra Banks and she used to be a whole lot smaller than she is now, but she isn't a tiny girl by any means.
I don't know I just really like the creativity of VS's show because it's not like Derelicte (bahaha but seriously I'm so funny) it's like neat stuff. I mean how cool would it be to be an angel and wear one of those beautiful pink robes or like the last part was VS pink and it was really neat too.
I don't know I just really like the creativity of VS's show because it's not like Derelicte (bahaha but seriously I'm so funny) it's like neat stuff. I mean how cool would it be to be an angel and wear one of those beautiful pink robes or like the last part was VS pink and it was really neat too.
Monday, November 28, 2011
I'm mature, I swear.
I've also decided to be extremely mature (note my irony) and not text number twelve until he texts me. I just know that I need to focus on me and school and staying healthy and happy. I am in no way prepared to deal with our roller-coaster bullshit anytime soon and I know that it's going to take a lot for me to open up to him like before (well not really but he's going to have to make an effort).
I love him. Period. And I am always going to and I know that. But I love myself enough to know that he isn't always what is best for me. Yes, I want to be the girl who gets the fairy tale. The one who ends up after a long and treacherous love gets to be with the first boy she ever really fell in love with. And to be perfectly honest, he is probably the only boy I will ever love the way that I love him. But I want to keep my mind open. I'd say heart but we all know that's easier said than done.
Anyways I should really be doing homework right now but instead I'm going to watch gossip girl and likely eat something that isn't good for me (or an apple peanut butter because I am feeling very snacky!) I went to the gym today so I feel better about that but it was a half ass workout that's for sure. Oh well, better to go than not to go.
I love him. Period. And I am always going to and I know that. But I love myself enough to know that he isn't always what is best for me. Yes, I want to be the girl who gets the fairy tale. The one who ends up after a long and treacherous love gets to be with the first boy she ever really fell in love with. And to be perfectly honest, he is probably the only boy I will ever love the way that I love him. But I want to keep my mind open. I'd say heart but we all know that's easier said than done.
Anyways I should really be doing homework right now but instead I'm going to watch gossip girl and likely eat something that isn't good for me (or an apple peanut butter because I am feeling very snacky!) I went to the gym today so I feel better about that but it was a half ass workout that's for sure. Oh well, better to go than not to go.
evacuation.
So last night was a disast haha. I thought it was a half joke when K texted me and said oh hey we're on evacuation watch. There was a big fire (two actually) and so people were getting evacuated. Now, I understnad that the wind here makes for a baaad grassfire and I actually saw the flames while I was driving home but seriously, this was majorly blown out of proportion. People were saying that my subdivison got evacuated and just generally making shit up. You weren't evacuated if you chose to leave before the police knocked on your door so tone it down.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
he's perfect; but he's not you.
He just might make me smile but
the whole time I'm wishing he was you.
the whole time I'm wishing he was you.
roughnecks.
So DK had his roughnecks tryouts this weekend. And I'm so proud of him. We talked a fair bit this weekend about it, which is unusual because he wasn't home and I was. Anyways, he had a lot of fun and he said it all went really well which is really good. I'm so happy for him. He's a good guy and he really deserves for this to work out. I hope it does because he's taking it really seriously. I mean I told him when I'd be home at Christmas and he was like good I can't wait to see you but I'll probably be playing lots of lax. And that's what I want for him, I mean that's the plan right. It's just nice because all I've ever known of him is how much he loves to party, you know? So it's really nice for me to see him trying to do something real and follow through on something really important and to want it that bad.
Anyways I just love those boys and I'm really excited for DK.
Anyways I just love those boys and I'm really excited for DK.
puzzle.
I wrote him a letter tonight too. There is a box of 27 letters beside my bed which means I've written him 28 letters. He never mentioned the one I sent to Calgary. I don't know. I guess I just am confused on what's going on. He initiated our texts lately and he made me feel guilty on Friday for not telling him I was there or stopping to see him. I don't know. I supposed I'm just so confused.
absent-mindedly making me want you.
It's been a hell of a week. Today I stopped in Calgary to see number twelve. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking? I was doing so well, well sort of. I thought that I was beginning to crush on other boys and want other things in my life but if I'm honest, I know that's not the case. I just am tired of missing number twelve every day. I'm tired of always being sad about him. So I tried to do something about it.
Today seeing him was extremely awkward at first. I haven't seen him since the whole disaster bar scenario when I took care of his sister. I don't know I honestly love that kid with my whole heart and that's what's hard. I mean when I don't see him for that long, I can believe that I don't miss him. I can convince myself that I'll be okay without him. But seeing him just took all of that away. It completely destroyed all of the progress I'd made.
When I saw him today it was awkward. We barely spoke and just studied. Eventually we started talking a bit. And then more, and more. And then I realized that all I wanted was to keeo talking. I had so much to tell him and I wanted to hear everything about what he's been up to. And then he complimented my jeans, the jeans I have worn a thousand times that he usually beaks me about. And then he complimented my hair. And I was just so flustered because I knew it just destroyed everything. He gave me a hug and I wished he'd never let go. We kept talking and getting deeper into conversation even though he had already walked me to the door. And it took everything inside of me to fight back the tears that were burning my eyes. I walked outside and I texted S knowingly regretting what I'd just done. I got into my vehicle and broke down into tears.
Today seeing him was extremely awkward at first. I haven't seen him since the whole disaster bar scenario when I took care of his sister. I don't know I honestly love that kid with my whole heart and that's what's hard. I mean when I don't see him for that long, I can believe that I don't miss him. I can convince myself that I'll be okay without him. But seeing him just took all of that away. It completely destroyed all of the progress I'd made.
When I saw him today it was awkward. We barely spoke and just studied. Eventually we started talking a bit. And then more, and more. And then I realized that all I wanted was to keeo talking. I had so much to tell him and I wanted to hear everything about what he's been up to. And then he complimented my jeans, the jeans I have worn a thousand times that he usually beaks me about. And then he complimented my hair. And I was just so flustered because I knew it just destroyed everything. He gave me a hug and I wished he'd never let go. We kept talking and getting deeper into conversation even though he had already walked me to the door. And it took everything inside of me to fight back the tears that were burning my eyes. I walked outside and I texted S knowingly regretting what I'd just done. I got into my vehicle and broke down into tears.
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