I cried Thursday watching Grey's Anatomy. Cried is an understatement, I bawled.
I went to a movie with DVZ last night. We went to The Longest Ride. It was sad. I for sure had some tears.
April 24 is emotional for me because it's sunshine's birthday. And I feel sort of like I should have said Happy Birthday. And I teetered and tottered all day about whether or not I should. I haven't spoken to him in a VERY long time but I personally possess no hard feelings towards him. I don't know if he does to me. In fact, I have no idea what he thinks of me as I'm sure he's been told some pretty brutal things after the whole sofaking situation and I mean they've been best friends for years, so I get it (sort of).
Him and sofaking were kind of friends because their families were friends. They were both VERY different and they both had some interesting thoughts about the other.
Sunshine will always possess the first piece of my heart that ever broke. He was the first boy I loved. I'd be lying if I said he wasn't. We never dated, but we loved. Both of us and I know that with the truest part of my heart. We were too young and the timing was off. I was never the type of girl he could end up with. I would've never fit into his family because I wouldn't be able to be the wife and mother that would've been expected of me.
I miss our friendship sometimes. And even though I am keenly aware of the fact I chose to end it, that doesn't mean I don't miss it. We were best friends. He was the first person I told anything. We talked from the moment we were awake until the moment we went to sleep. Every day. Every single day for years. It was almost negative in that I grew accustomed to always having my phone and always being connected to someone, always being connected to him.
It was an unlikely friendship. I met him in my Science 10 class. I remember I recognized his last name because his dad was a Trustee for the Catholic School Board. I asked him if that was his dad and he said yes. BS was growing closer to them and started dating sofaking. I remember sunshine and I didn't know each other well but chatted a bit. Then he had his accident. It was on April 23 and he nearly died. He went into surgery right as the clock struck midnight and the nurses wished him a Happy Birthday.
After that, we became best friends. We talked all the time. He was stuck at home and we just chatted, ALL the time. We grew to know each other and he became an integral part of who I was at 16 years old. I remember it wasn't until much later that he told me I changed his life. I was the one that kept him going through all of that. I never stopped asking how he was or trying to cheer him up.
The thing was, he kind of saved me too. I was still in a pretty depressive state myself and he helped me.
The problem with me is that I don't do things halfway. I am all in, or not in at all. I don't know how else to be. If I am going to commit to something, I'm all in. At 16 years old that was too much. Our connection, our souls, our love it was too much. It was the wrong timing for a forever relationship but it was impeccable timing for the love we both needed that will, at least for me, last forever.
So every year, as his birthday approaches, I find myself reminiscent and nostalgic. It's not that I want us to be together or that I even think it would be a good idea for us to be friends again, I just think about it a little too much. I miss what we used to have. I worry for him and some of the challenges he will face with regard to finding a woman who loves him for the right reasons. I suppose, I just still care. I want good things for him even though I don't want to be a part of that life or friend group anymore.
