Saturday, February 6, 2016
His endearing heart.
He wanted to give his niece a crucifix. It's tradition in the Orthodox Church and he wanted to be the one to do it but he couldn't find one that he didn't hate. So instead, he bought her pearls. He asked if that was okay and what I thought. He wanted to give her something she wouldn't grow out of, something she could have forever which is why he struggle to find a crucifix he liked... He didn't want one for a baby.
I told him I loved it. I love that he's thinking about her future. It's smart and kind and thoughtful. And it has so much more value. Years from now she will put on the pearls and think, wow, uncle J gave me these when I was a baby. It will have an unmatched sentimental value.
He said to me, I went and saw G today and I love her but it really made me glad I don't have a child. I laughed and said, the best part is loving them and spending time with them and then in unison, we said giving them back.
Duty and obligation.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever overcome it. It's been over 7 years since that notion was ingrained in my head. The idea of what I was doing and how detrimental it could be to me. Some days I do pretty well.. Other days, not so much.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Stubborn.
He is probably one of the kindest- hearted human beings I've ever met. I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone to him tonight, tears streaming down my face. Frustrated, discouraged, exhausted. And he just talked the entire time. He took 2 hours just to talk me off the ledge. I told him I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. Nothing is good enough for them. Repeatedly he told me to shh and just do what he said. Not in a condescending way, just in an experience I've been here and I promise this is the way you want it to go type way so stop being stubborn and trust that I have your back.
I never in my life have thought of myself as stubborn until tonight.
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