Wise words Mr. Bass

"There's a difference between a great love and the right love."
-Chuck Bass

Life makes love look hard.

I went to see number twelve yesterday. We went for coffee and just talked for like an hour and a half. It was weird ish. It's weird seeing him because it's so not weird. It is totally and completely normal, well when it's only us two I mean. It's not awkward or anything which is surprising. I wish that I hated him. Every other two people who had been through all that we have would just hate each other. Instead, I hate that I don't hate him. Hate is so much easier than love.
It was good to see him and talk. And my hug, that was the best part.

I'm not in your arms, you still own my heart.

I can go where I wanna go, do what I wanna do, be who I wanna be, but baby,
You still own me.

Unbelievable.

I got a message about NB's stagette tonight. I'm still mis blown at the fact that she is getting married. I mean I always knew she'd be first but I'm literally just mind blown at the fact one of my friends is actually getting married. I feel like we are soooo young.
I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since we graduated. I am teaching in a high school, how insane is that!! It's mind blowing. It's so fast. It just seems like there's so much life left.
I know this is her life and it's everything that she's ever wanted it just seems so young.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh your boyfriend hit you, multiple times and you forgave him and then he broke up with you in a text message? Yeah, I completely understand why you think you'll get back together and why you'd want to be with him.

it's always been this way

Why am I a magnet for men who have girlfriends?
KC is such a ridiculous person. I love him, he is hilarious in small doses. Last week we went for drinks at Pop's and he was drunk and like rubbing my leg calling me sweetie and shit and I was like wtf? And then last night, he gave me the greatest massage ever in the middle of the pub hahahahahaha I actually was so sore and feel a world better today. He also like came up behind me and like put his arms around my waist.
Honestly I could care less that he did this because it made me laugh and whatever I don't care if my guy friends do that. However, if that was my boyfriend, I would not be having that shit. Like no way Jose. I would be so uncomfortable to find out my boyfriend was doing that. It's not even a trust thing as much as a respect thing.
It just seems like all boys completely forget that I am a female. Sometime's it's fun but sometimes it creates a lot of uncomfortable situations with girlfriends.

height.

Also, it's funny how tall I am. Yesterday we were at Name that Tune because it was our last day of classes and you get bonus points for dancing. So KC is like B, let's go dance. So we start two-stepping and he's like holy shit you are tall. Like how do you even hide your tallness. I had no clue that you were taller than me. I just kind of laughed because I am really tall and it's funny because in that class I am always with BR who is GIANT or as I was telling him yesterday a big, baby back bitch hahaha. But he's like probably 6'2"ish and weighs like 225lbs. His arm is like the size of my torso. hahahahaha

I still remember the moment he told me.

She don't know how much I need her, she don't know I'd fall apart
without her kiss, without her touch, without her faithful loving arms.
She don't know that it's all about her, she don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she'd my everything,
and she thinks she needs me.

The story's still the same and it's a sad one.

How was I supposed to see, she never cried in front of me.

It wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong.

If you're calling 'bout my heart it's still yours, I should've listened to it a little more.

achy.

My whole body hurts so incredibly much.

the beauty of love.

"You love someone so much, for so long that in the end it's like you're both living one life. Once that person's gone, you can't help but cease to exist."

uncertainty.

I'm torn. Do I text number twelve and see if he wants to go shopping with me on Friday for something for Monkey's birthday? Or do I wait and maybe go for coffee Sunday? Or do I just pretend that there's nothing at all and keep moving forward, at least, trying to. 

I am torn because he leaves in approximately six months. For two years he leaves. Then what do I do. How do I live for two years like that. Uncertainty is just so scary. I don't know where we stand. I don't know where I want us to stand, at least, not at this point in my life. I know where the end is, but I'm not sure where the paths re-converge. And I just don't want to force this. I honestly believe in us. I have no freaking clue why, but I do. It is honestly so pathetic and ridiculous but somehow, on some level, I always believe in us. I've never fully lost hope, even on the days I've tried hardest to convince myself I have.
The hardest part is just the uncertainty. I don't honestly know where we'd be if we started dating again right now. I don't know if I want that. I miss him, every day. I love him, every second of every day. I don't know if the timing is right and that's what is hard. It's just always there. It's always going to be there.
If there is some sign from the universe, then I need it. I need to know what to do. If anyone in this whole wide world has any possible idea of what to do, I need it.
Maybe I will just wait until Friday and see how I feel.
The sucky part is that I want to talk to him. I hate when we start talking again because I never want to stop. I want to tell him my stories. I want to tell him about my days. I want to know about his days, his school, his life. It's the not-knowing that's hard. 

It was only September, I still remember.

They say I'll be okay,
but I'm not going to
ever get over you.

Never wear high heels.

Also my feet hurt so much they're burning.

How I got in the bar tonight...

Bouncer: do you have a wristband?
J: No, I'm a bull rider. This is my girlfriend.
Bouncer: have fun kids.

Haha it's true that he is a bull rider but he didn't compete this weekend. He's like thanks for being my girlfriend... Looks way more legit.