can't swallow our pride, neither of us wanna raise that flag.

I never meant to start a war,
you know I never meant to hurt you;
don't even know what we're fighting for.
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

she wants revenge.

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others, it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow.

I want to hold you close, skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl, so lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close, soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear,
I want to fucking tear you apart

I like rules.

another one.

So last night I ended up going out. I wasn't going to because I have so much homework but then I found out that my midterm got moved so of course I went out.
So I got home and visited my mouse and then I went to ZG's and picked her up and we went to LICASS for a few drinks because it was the final day of the season. It was 20 years so we popped a bottle of delicious champagne and then walked down to the casino. So then we ate and our boss gave us all casino money and bought dinner and drinks etc. So then PD got home so him and AM picked me up and we went to DK's. And at this point I was already pretty drunk like I needed some aqua to sober up. So I walk in and I poured a drink and I was sitting down while the boys played NHL12 because they are just soooo sweet and do that on a friday night. hahah no I was the only girl so I expected it. Then DK got up to get a drink and he was standing above me touching my head and I'm like wtf and he's like surprise hahaha. And he iced me. (that means you have to get down on one knee and chug a smirnoff ice.. fyi. it is not enjoyable). So then whatever we kept drinking and he iced all of us. So basically my attempt at a glass of water and sobering up was nullified.
So then we went to PT and picked up HJR on the way and that turned into a disaster as well hahaha. We drank like 20 shots between 4 of us and I vommed. It was brutal. Then we headed over to good ol' billy's and drank more, yet again I don't know why I thought any of this was a good idea. So then we were just chilling and I got up on a stool to see who I could and I ended un seeing sofaking. I know how ridiculous this sounds but I legitimately had a panick attack. Like I started crying and hyperventilating and I was so stressed out about it. I haven't seen him since that night and I thought I was doing really well with the situation but I am apparently not. So I told DK kinda what happened and he's like where is this fucker. And starts flipping out because he just wants to kill the kid. I was really stressed out and then we just ended up going back to DK's and I went to sleep and yeah.
I woke up this morning, had a nice brisk walk to my vehicle and now I should be studying but I've been extremely sick and cannot keep anything inside of me and yeah. I guess we'll see how the day goes.

I made up my mind there is no turning back.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you.

hahahaha love love love.

B- I've dreamed about it forever.
A- You should go to Duke. Sick lax team.
B- Yep I want to. What NCAA wants K?
A- None, but he'll probably tell you 4 or 5. They don't take many Canadian box lax players. Don't tell him I said that though lol.
B- Hahahahaha I won't. You had my heart long before he did. My loyalties lay clear. Hahaha in a not creepy way .
A- Thanks Pal <3.

I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete.

I wanna wake up where you are.
I won't say anything at all.

it ain't complicated, but I've grown to hate it.

So I'm a little bit nervous because there's a good chance I'll see number twelve this weekend. And I'm nervous because for the first time in four years, I don't want to be with him. I'm doing really well with the whole situation. Sure, I miss him and he was a very important part of my life and he always will be but at the same time, I miss our friendship more than anything. I mean he was my best friend for a lonnnggg time. I trusted him more than anyone else and I told him things I wouldn't even consider saying out loud (or writing).
I don't know, I guess I'm nervous to see him because I'm afraid of the feelings coming back. You know, when you love someone and give them a piece of you that you can never get back? That's how I feel. I'm just afraid that when I see him my heart will know that he's holding a piece of it.
I'm doing good, I'm happy. I like where my life's at, my friends, school, you know? I am finally back to my old self. I'm finally the girl that doesn't need a boy again. And I don't want to screw that up.

the world through her eyes looked so different.

Bullet-proof, more than tough;

smarter than he ever was.

Well I burned those wheels down that highway,

and I learned what I learned the hard way,

do the best you can do,

love many,

trust few,

work hard for the money in your hands; 

that's the measure of a man.  

enlighten yourself, I beg you.

"Enlightenment is the emergence of man from the immaturity for which he is himself responsible. Immaturity is he inability to use one's understanding without the guidance of another. Man is responsible for his own immaturity when it is caused, by lack not of understanding, but of the resolution and the courage to use it without the guidance of another. Sapere aude! Have the courage to use your own reason! is the slogan of Enlightenment."

-Immanuel Kant

don't let me stay in this place where this hate will steal my soul.

I got myself worked up over nothing today,
all the trash that's in my head, I gotta throw it away.

Marilyn Monroe.

"She was a girl that knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's important."

all in.

"the most painful part of rejection is knowing you were all in."

guess what!

For the first time in years, I have a crush on someone that is not a Taurus or Aries. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I legitimately always fall for late March/April/ early May babies. It sounds stupid but I'm super attracted to them for some reason. It's ironic because Aries and Virgo are one of the worst possible matches and Taurus and Virgo are marriage material. I'm crushing on a Gemini right now. And from what I've read it's not a bad pairing.
I know lots of people think horoscopes are silly but a lot of the time they're pretty accurate, at least for me. And some people say they just say really general stuff that anyone can make about them and sometimes I kind of agree but other days it's much to close to my heart to just assume it's general. I always look at how matched of horoscopes people are in a relationship because as much as we don't realize it, our birthdays have a lot to do with who we are. Not only the day, but the year, the month, it all adds to personality. And I don't completely cross off a relationship because someone doesn't suit me well according to a horoscope but I'd be more cautious entering a relationship with someone I don't seem to mesh well with. For example, Aries and Virgo have a high match for sex life... and yeah that's all good and fun but you can't build a lasting relationship on good sex alone. And I'd rather not waste my time like that because I'm not a slut.
And it's probably one of the issues with why I am not dating a boy. I don't want to date a boy just to date a boy. We're not sixteen. And even when I was, I've only ever wanted to date a boy I could see a future with because if you can't see a future what's the point. And I probably take things too seriously for my own good sometimes and I'm not saying I'm ready to get married by any means but I also don't want to be with someone just to say I  have someone. I want a relationship that makes me happy. I want a relationship that makes me so excited to start a new day because it's another one I get to spend with him. I'm sure boys are scared off by the fact that I'm so serious about most things. And I am, I take things seriously and I'm not here to fuck around. I want to do something with my life, I want to be someone; so yes, I take things seriously. But I can also laugh at myself and have a ridiculous conversation with the boys ya know? I guess I'm saying I just want to find someone that appreciates my stability and my seriousness but will laugh with me too. I want him to encourage me to follow my dreams and have the ambition I do but I also want him to encourage me to let go every now and again.
So I have the crush now, the one that's different. Now what do I do? Where do I go from here? Do I want it to be more than a crush? Should I attempt to move forward with it? Or am I better off just being single, fun me?
I'm not the girl that needs a boy. And I think that was my biggest fault with number twelve. I started to believe that I needed him to get by. And I don't. I love him and I always will. But I don't need a boy to get me through the day. I'm strong and I'm independent and I want someone that I want to have around, not someone that I need to have around.
For as long as I can remember I always wanted to have my own career. And I don't mean job, I mean career. I want to do something real with my life, something big. And some of my friends only care about being a parent and a wife and that's just not who I am. And I can probably attribute it to the fact that my mom basically raised us on her own and we went through some pretty dark days. I never want to feel that. I never want to be in that position. I want to be able to support myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm very old fashioned in the way that I want a husband who can support me, emotionally, mentally, physically and financialy too. And you can call me shallow all you want but financial security is of grave importance to me. I want my husband to be able to take care of me. I want him to take care of me. But I don't want to need him to take care of me. Do you see the difference? I want the boy that understands how I deserve to be treated but respects that I can take care of myself.

illusions.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we're not alone."
-Orson Wells.

I think I'm ready.

I want to fall in love again.

what's the point?

I'm selfish. I know that I'm selfish. There are many things in this world I could be devoting my time and energy to in this world. I've thought about doing lots of volunteer work and I think it'd be amazing to make more of a difference in this world. And I will some day, I assure you of that. But right now it's like I need to go to university and get educated so that I can support myself and learn more about this world, it's history, the way people's brains work, etc. That's what I'm taking. I'm learning how to teach others, how to think critically, how to make my mark on the world.
I'm not sure where I want to be at the end of my life. I have some ideas of what I'd like to accomplish but at the same time, I'm here for the ride. I'm here to see all that I can see, do all that I can do and be all that I can be. I have so much to learn and so much to teach. And I think that that's what is important in life. My intentions are good, I promise. And I will change the world some day. And isn't that the point of it all?

eating disorder.

Seriously, two times in 3 days I've gotten the eating disorder lecture. I don't have one anymore, I'm just very focused on my health. I guess clinically the way that I eat is considered an eating disorder. But I do not have anorexia or bulimia and it really bothers me that I get lectured about it because I used to be anorexic. I used to live off of like a granola bar a day. And things like that. I was incredibly unhealthy and the skinniest I've ever been.
And yeah, most days, I wish I were that skinny again. But I wasn't healthy. I wasn't happy. I drank excessive amounts of coffee and would do things like drink water with lemon juice and cayenne pepper to try and cleanse my system. It was pretty bad. But I'm not like that. I just really monitor what I eat. I mean I weigh a good 10-15 lbs. more than my ideal weight. I don't look like I wish I did and I never will because my body isn't built like that. My family says you can't lose 10 or 15 lbs. It would be unhealthy. But it wouldn't. I would just be very skinny. And I know I'm fit, I've been told I have the athletic build.
And I know why they're worried. I mean in December I dropped like 10 lbs. in two weeks because of number twelve. I didn't eat or sleep and I tried to force myself but it would just make me sick. I understand they're just worried about me but seriously, I eat alllll the time. I am careful about what I eat and I go to the gym to try and keepmy ass in shape and to feel good about myself. It's a great mental break when you spend 14-16 hours a day in school or doing homework. I just wish they would respect that I'm okay.
On Sunday I actually said to my sister like how bad would you feel if I actually had an eating disorder and you made me feel even shittier about my weight than I already do. She always makes jokes about how I better not eat too much or I should go to the bathroom and throw it all up now. And it bothers me a lot. I do struggle with my body image, but I don't have an eating disorder. And when I said that to her she's like I'd probably beak you more.
I don't think she understands how negatively stuff like that can affect a person. I mean I was extremely depressed and suicidal before and I've had an eating disorder and many other things. And yet she doesn't realize how much that stuff has impacted me because she is just not like that. She's struggled with substance abuse but she doesn't understand that I don't use substances to make me feel better. Instead I place guilt and resentment and hatred towards myself and pick myself apart until I can't anymore. And then I criticize myself some more. I feel things deeper than most.and yet, after 20 years she still doesn't get it.

congrats bud.

So last week DK got drafted to the roughnecks and today he got offered to play NCAA. Now those are both pretty incredible opportunities. Personally, it's a no-brainer for me. NCAA, without  a doubt. But that's because I'm biased and have always dreamed of going to a school with NCAA teams, an elite or ivy-league school at that. I'm also biased because well I believe in education. And even if he doesn't do anything with his degree it allows him to play lacrosse for a few years and having a degree cannot ever hurt you.
'm proud of him though and I'm sure he'll make the right decision. I guess we'll see how it goes.

maybe, she'd have thought it through.

you wouldn't be beating on the dash,
screaming out her name at the window,
tears soaking up your face;
if you'd have loved her this much all along, maybe,
maybe, she wouldn't be gone

mind fuck?

SO I'll finally tell you about the psychic/energist/medium I went to on Friday. I know that's a hell of a combination but the best way I can explain it is that she talks about your future and works through issues based on your energies. And as much as I am skeptical, there are some things she just would not know, she couldn't. Last time I went to her, she basically spent the entire time talking about my family and how I devote my  entire life to everyone else. This time was very different and it made me realize how different of a space I'm in; finally focusing on myself. Partly because I had to because I was such a mess, and partly because I realized that I deserve better than to be the proverbial 'doormat' everyone walks all over.
She basically talked about three things: 1) number twelve 2) sofaking 3)school/education/me being a teacher.
1) Where to start with number twelve. She talked about how he's really immature (TRUE) and ironically she described what he looked like to a T. It was weird. But anyways she told me that our relationship would've never worked because something was missing and that's why I cheated. Well, part of why. She basically reaffirmed all the reasons I've come up with (ex. I got scared because any time someone has every got close to me, they've left me or broken me, abandoned I believe is the word she used; I was afraid of someone actually caring that much about me, thus, I sabotaged it; I was unhappy with some of the things in our relationship and 2-3 days before we got in a huge fight about something and the day of he said something that really encouraged the idea that he thought I was going to destroy our relationship. And as you know, what you manifest, usually comes true.) She also discussed how I think that I miss him so much but what I miss mroe than anything about him is our friendship because he really was the best friend I've ever had. And she told me that I feel alone in missing him, but he misses me just as much or more than I miss him. She wants me to write him a letter or email but I'm not sure I want that. I think I just need to let it go until he's ready to be friends because for the first time in a long time, I've been doing really good for extended periods of time. I'm happy.
2) Sofaking. She talked about how there was a spark with him and how he provided something at the time that number twelve couldn't. She told me that sofaking saw a future with me, he thought we were going to be together and that when I wasn't interested in that, he was very upset and the only reason he's still with his girlfriend is because he doesn't know how to be alone. He also still wants to be with me apparently.
Then we talked about my assault. She told me that I've dreamt about it and what happened in my dreams is what actually happened. Nothing more, nothing less. And that I have no signs of PTSD which is almost unheard of in a situation like that but the reason I don't is because I dealt with it in a way that removed myself from the situation. I can see the assault happening, watching like a movie, but the girl in it isn't me. And that's how I am dealing with it and doing so well, because I removed myself from the experience and it will forever be nothing more than a memory.
3) She thinks it is incredibly important I get my education degree. Even if I don't want to use it right away, she thinks it's vital for me to finish this degree. She thinks that because I'm in a grade 1/2 class right now, that's why I don't like it. And I don't know how I feel about this. I'm unsure of where I want to go in my life. I am interested in law but I'm interested in education. Who knows.

This is the gist of what we talked about. And I let go of a whole lot that day. And I'm feeeeling good.

nothing serious.

I decided I'm just going to have school girl crushes on boys from now on and never float into the realm of even remotely serious relationships or anything that resembles a 'relationship' in any way shape or form. Thus, I can be a slut which is basically what S and I have been striving for all week. We were puck bunnies and it was lovely. hahahahaha this way, I can also have multiple crushes in the different cities I encounter and life will be good. For example, I will start my crushes off with the hockey player, the lacrosse player and the super jacked dude that calls me beautiful yet is on a mission to "take as many first year virginities as possible" hahahaha. I have wonderful friends, I swear.
Besides, the psychic told me to have more fun. This seems like a sure fire way to 'lighten up' if ya know what I mean.


The funniest part of this conversation is I am not remotely slutty. Today my roommate told me that I am the biggest tease around and he sometimes wishes I were a slut but he takes more pleasure in the fact that I am so far from being a slut and I just come home with the greatest stories of my 'almost slutty' nights. hahahaha

indifferent.

Do you ever wish there was just more to life? More hours in a day? More time to spend on enjoying yourself? More time to devote to bettering yourself and the world?
It probably sounds silly. I mean I love school and I enjoy spending hours every day studying and learning and advancing my brain but I have to wonder if sometimes I'm missing out on important life lessons because I'm so involved in the world of academia. Don't get me wrong, I thinkn post-secondary education is important and very beneficial and I think it is a key to our society. But I also sometimes wish I had more hours in a day to pursue other ventures. You know? Like I miss when I used to spend an hour before bed just writing for the pure sake of letting my every emotion and every thought out on paper. When I wrote number twelve a letter every night to explain how I feel. I have a box of letters beside my bed and I can't decide if I should burn them, or give them to him and let them be his problem. I guess I just want to feel something else in this world. After friday, I feel so empty. I used to wake up every day and feel empty and lost and broken and as much as it was painful, I actually felt something. Today, I feel nothing. I am not sad or happy or angry or anything. I'm indifferent. That's how I feel about number twelve. Indifferent. All I focus on is school and I know that that's important but I sometimes just wish there was more to my life.
I don't know if I want a new boy or if I want to try a new hobby or what. I just am completely complacent. I don't know how else to describe how I feel. I spend my days thinking about a few boys but I don't feel anything. My heart doesn't yearn for anything or anyone. I just go to school, come home, do homework, go to the gym. I don't even have a desire for that lately though. It just doesn't matter. I feel like none of it matters. Yesterday I just spent the whole day with my mom trying to decode everything in my life and trying to process everything I was told on friday but more than what I was told, how I felt. How I feel. I feel empty and emotionless and as I said before, indifferent.
I've got some pretty heavy things going on with friends and my family and I just don't care. I know I should but I feel like I just disconnected myself completely as a way to let it all go. I released a lot of hatred and hurt and disappointment and especially guilt on friday and now I'm just empty. Nietzsche said, "thoughts are the shadows of our feelings- always darker, emptier, simpler." But I don't feel anything. My head is heavy and full of uncertainty and confusion and academics but my heart feels nothing. Nothing.

I'm tired of holding myself back so I don't outshine you.

You know, some people never change. There are people I've been friends with for a long time, one girl in particular. And her boyfriend or ex boyfriend whatever abused her three times in the last month. And it's always while he's drunk. The first time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he is genuinely a good guy and I found it hard to believe he would do that. Then it happened again, but he started to take it seriously that he needed to get some professional help and that it was going to take longer than he'd like to deal with this etc. and she really believed him so I gave him another chance. THEN it happened again. And I refuse to support her being friends with him and being one of the main people to help him through it. I refuse to just sit back and watch her go through this. I told her it's a serious thing and by just immediately being there for him she's just showing him that it's okay to treat her like that.
I've been assaulted and I don't understand how you can allow someone to just be in your life like that again. I haven't spoken to him since it happened. I wanted to at first, to understand and now I don't have closure and I'm never going to and I've accepted that. What isn't okay is to use that against me. And that's what she did. And I get that she's scared and that she's hurting but it's not okay to make me feel like a bad person for being on her side and looking out for her instead of what her other friends are doing and supporting her being the main person to help him get through this.
I know it's her defense mechanism to make me feel bad and put me down and isolate her situation because she loves him and she wants to believe he won't do it again blah blah blah. I suppose I'll be what I always am and allow her to put me down to make herself feel better. I don't have much use for people like that in my life but I know that I'm the only one she has to actually be of some stable support.
What I don't understand most is that none of her friends have done anything. Like they have known this is going on etc. and none of them have done anything. If anyone ever hit me or any girl  for that matter my friends would kill the fucker. I had to beg my friends to not kill sofaking after my assault because I didn't 100 percent know it was him. If DK or PD or AD or JW or any of those boys were around when something like that happened, they'd kill the fucker. How do you just stand by and watch that happen?

90210.

I know, I went too far. I just thought you could make it all better. You always do. I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have hurt you like that.
It seems like we keep hurting each other. I mean if it's this complicated, maybe it's just not meant to be. I still love you. I always will.

everything's changed.

it's october again, the leaves are coming down.
one more year's come and gone;
and nothing's changed at all.

allll smiles.

I had such a good weekend. I don't even know where to start. It was unreal. Wednesday night I got home and visited my mouse then I went home to bed. Thursday I did some homework, had coffee with DM, and went to the Everest dinner. Friday I went and saw Momma L at the school then I went to a psychic/energist/medium (I'll elaborate in another post) and then I went for drinks/appies with Momma E and then I had a snack with my sister and brother and mouse and then I went out and I drove and it was actually sooo fun. KH and I just stood on the side and laughed at all the ridiculousness that epitomizes Billy's. Then on Saturday my brother made me waffles then I took my sister McDonald's because she was so hungover and then I went to CW's going away party for a bit.
Then I picked S up and we went to the viper game with NB, HP, DM, DK, AM, etc. So the boys smoked the other team and then I went to DK's before going out. I generally hate the bar but I was really feeling going out with the boys so I did. ME picked us up and we went to the bar and DK and JM and I did two tequila shots as soon as we walked in and that spun the night a bit on the drunk side. Honestly I love DK. The kid is hilarious and he's genuinely nice. He was like DON'T LOSE MY SWEATER because he left it in my vehicle and I thought it was so funny because it was a lulu lemon sweater hahaha. Then we had a killer dance, he's surprisingly good. Much better than I expected. I felt bad for him because he was all worried that one of MQ's (his ex-girlfriend) friends would text her and tell her he was with me or HJR and she would lose it even though we were just dancing. So then we went home and I stayed at his house.
It was actually really nice because no one else that didn't live there was there so we had a really good chat. haha I was gonna sleep on the couch and he's like come here and he starts like pulling out this mattress downstairs and I'm like kay K it's fine I'll just sleep on the couch haha and we had a lovely little fight and he just like carried me and I'm like hey not fair. (I thoroughly enjoy pseudo-innocent foreplay). So then I layed on the couch and he's like come here. So I went into his room and he's like just sleep here. It's all good. So whatever we crawled in bed and started having a chat about MQ and HJR and just life in general and then CB called him and he talked on the phone to her for soo long and it was so funny and he's like I'm soooo sorry haha but I fell asleep anyways. (S, please, please don't mention that part to anyone. It will cause sooooo much drama if anyone finds out we slept in the same bed). So he had to work at 8 this morning and his alarm started going off at like 7:15 this morning and he'd shut it off but it was the worst fucking sound in life. It was like the amber alert sound and it went off like every 10 minutes for an hour before he got up and I honestly almost killed the kid. Haha but all in all it was a hilarious experience.
Then I thought haha what a funny thing to happen and I tweeted about it NOT thinking anything of it because duh we're friends it's not unusual that I would stay there. BUT then I remembered that MQ has twitter and she would flip the fuck out so he immediately tweets back like haha yeah can't believe you heard that from the living room bahahahah. Good cover up.
Then I spent the day with my momma and we made home made pizza for supper and my sister made salted caramel expresso cupcakes and it was unreal. Then I drove home and now I'm laying in bed watching Gilmore Girls when I should be sleeping because I have to be up at 6am.
Anyways I really enjoyed my weekend.