eating disorder.

Seriously, two times in 3 days I've gotten the eating disorder lecture. I don't have one anymore, I'm just very focused on my health. I guess clinically the way that I eat is considered an eating disorder. But I do not have anorexia or bulimia and it really bothers me that I get lectured about it because I used to be anorexic. I used to live off of like a granola bar a day. And things like that. I was incredibly unhealthy and the skinniest I've ever been.
And yeah, most days, I wish I were that skinny again. But I wasn't healthy. I wasn't happy. I drank excessive amounts of coffee and would do things like drink water with lemon juice and cayenne pepper to try and cleanse my system. It was pretty bad. But I'm not like that. I just really monitor what I eat. I mean I weigh a good 10-15 lbs. more than my ideal weight. I don't look like I wish I did and I never will because my body isn't built like that. My family says you can't lose 10 or 15 lbs. It would be unhealthy. But it wouldn't. I would just be very skinny. And I know I'm fit, I've been told I have the athletic build.
And I know why they're worried. I mean in December I dropped like 10 lbs. in two weeks because of number twelve. I didn't eat or sleep and I tried to force myself but it would just make me sick. I understand they're just worried about me but seriously, I eat alllll the time. I am careful about what I eat and I go to the gym to try and keepmy ass in shape and to feel good about myself. It's a great mental break when you spend 14-16 hours a day in school or doing homework. I just wish they would respect that I'm okay.
On Sunday I actually said to my sister like how bad would you feel if I actually had an eating disorder and you made me feel even shittier about my weight than I already do. She always makes jokes about how I better not eat too much or I should go to the bathroom and throw it all up now. And it bothers me a lot. I do struggle with my body image, but I don't have an eating disorder. And when I said that to her she's like I'd probably beak you more.
I don't think she understands how negatively stuff like that can affect a person. I mean I was extremely depressed and suicidal before and I've had an eating disorder and many other things. And yet she doesn't realize how much that stuff has impacted me because she is just not like that. She's struggled with substance abuse but she doesn't understand that I don't use substances to make me feel better. Instead I place guilt and resentment and hatred towards myself and pick myself apart until I can't anymore. And then I criticize myself some more. I feel things deeper than most.and yet, after 20 years she still doesn't get it.