indifferent.

Do you ever wish there was just more to life? More hours in a day? More time to spend on enjoying yourself? More time to devote to bettering yourself and the world?
It probably sounds silly. I mean I love school and I enjoy spending hours every day studying and learning and advancing my brain but I have to wonder if sometimes I'm missing out on important life lessons because I'm so involved in the world of academia. Don't get me wrong, I thinkn post-secondary education is important and very beneficial and I think it is a key to our society. But I also sometimes wish I had more hours in a day to pursue other ventures. You know? Like I miss when I used to spend an hour before bed just writing for the pure sake of letting my every emotion and every thought out on paper. When I wrote number twelve a letter every night to explain how I feel. I have a box of letters beside my bed and I can't decide if I should burn them, or give them to him and let them be his problem. I guess I just want to feel something else in this world. After friday, I feel so empty. I used to wake up every day and feel empty and lost and broken and as much as it was painful, I actually felt something. Today, I feel nothing. I am not sad or happy or angry or anything. I'm indifferent. That's how I feel about number twelve. Indifferent. All I focus on is school and I know that that's important but I sometimes just wish there was more to my life.
I don't know if I want a new boy or if I want to try a new hobby or what. I just am completely complacent. I don't know how else to describe how I feel. I spend my days thinking about a few boys but I don't feel anything. My heart doesn't yearn for anything or anyone. I just go to school, come home, do homework, go to the gym. I don't even have a desire for that lately though. It just doesn't matter. I feel like none of it matters. Yesterday I just spent the whole day with my mom trying to decode everything in my life and trying to process everything I was told on friday but more than what I was told, how I felt. How I feel. I feel empty and emotionless and as I said before, indifferent.
I've got some pretty heavy things going on with friends and my family and I just don't care. I know I should but I feel like I just disconnected myself completely as a way to let it all go. I released a lot of hatred and hurt and disappointment and especially guilt on friday and now I'm just empty. Nietzsche said, "thoughts are the shadows of our feelings- always darker, emptier, simpler." But I don't feel anything. My head is heavy and full of uncertainty and confusion and academics but my heart feels nothing. Nothing.