hahah I'm a weird human being.

Gah last night I had such fucked up dreams. I dreamed that S slept with TW hahahahaha which is really funny and random and would complicate so much shit in RD. He is also number twelve's cousin which is a funny twist of events.
S and I went to some conference thing and at the end of the 2 days there was this big party. So we are at this conference dinner getting wasted and singing karaoke making complete asses out of ourselves. Then we went to a party at TW and JT and CK's house. And they don't even live together so my imagination is really quite fucked. And I was blackout and S slept with TW on the floor rather than in his room (don't ask me why). Then in the morning everyone was like B you got waaaayyy too fucked up last night (which I probably did in my dream because it is something I'm trying to work on). Then my mom came and got S and I to drive us home and she asked us how it was and we both giggled like we were 16 and that was that.

THEN I had another dream about my gym future husband. I don't think I've blogged about him before but he is in real life, a former firefighter, former hockey player. He is tall, dark and handsome. He is polite and seems kind of shy which isn't usually my type. But somehow I ended up going with a friend and her mom to this group training session and he was our trainer. So I was like being a ridiculous human trying to be so strong and he kept correcting my form (which I wasn't complaining about). Then at the end we're sitting at these really small tables and he's sitting so close to me he may as well be on my lap. Then I was obviously melting and seeing as I am the most awkward human being ever when it comes to men hahaha I was like sweating. Then he was talking to his other trainer buddy about me and I could hear them whispering. Then he gave me his number before he left.

So here's my fucked dreams.

The power of loving and losing is immeasurable.

I need you in a rush, so baby run.

A boy on the voice just sang the song Run, by George Strait and actually did it justice. That's pretty incredible if you ask me. Especially hearing Blake Shelton tell you he thinks the king of country music would be proud of that rendition.
I love that song so much, enough to almost consider crying if I allowed myself to feel enough.

Why you wanna make me keep loving you?

Maybe, just maybe the opposite is true. I wrote the other day that I would give anything to hear him say, "I still love you", out loud. Maybe if he said I don't love you anymore it would have the same effect. Maybe that's what I need to hear. Maybe I need to hear him say I don't love you anymore, B. And I'm never going to be in love with you again.
Maybe hearing it would make everything easier for me, you know? Like I think about the fact that he is still kind to me, that we still have conversations, that he's still him. Jana Kramer has a song and I can completely relate.

Why can't you just be a complete dick to me and make me hate you? Why do you have to be yourself and remind me why I fell in love with you?

I wish you'd say something mean to make me glad that you said goodbye. Why can't you look off somewhere if you catch me staring at you? Why can't you be cold like any old good ex would do?

So now what?

The conflicting part of this is that I know that number twelve is absolutely nowhere near this point.

Next to you in silence.

Sometimes I just get tired of being alone. You know, I'm not like oh I need a man. I just want someone to share my life with. I don't feel like I have someone to text when I have exciting news or when I have absolutely nothing interesting to share but I just want to talk anyways. I want someone to just say good morning to and goodnight to. I want someone to lay quietly beside me in the moments where no words are needed. I'm just ready to settle down and find something real.

This is hard for me too.

That's the hardest thing about love I think, that is doesn't always make sense even when it's hard for both of you.

Way past bedtime.

Why the fuck am I awake?