a little email.

Sometimes it is difficult to talk to JP about Number 12 because she doesn't really get it. She's never felt that way about anyone. She asked me tonight how often I think about him or our relationship and if I run scenarios through my mind. I said well those are all different things. She said do you think about him every day?
I responded with absolutely. At least twice every day. I always think about him. I didn't really let on just how much I think about him. But I can honestly answer that yes I think about him absolutely every single day. In my head I thought, I think about him almost every second of every day.
I know right now it's heightened because I'm concerned about him. I know it's pathetic and I'm sad because I miss him and all of that and I'm sure that he's probably perfectly okay. I know he believes more in no news is good news but I just want to hear that he's okay.

satisfied.

I went to NB's tonight well I guess NK's now. It was very solidifying for me. I just realized how much we've grown apart. And I think that's okay.
I spent most of my night with HJR and JP. I really love HJR. JP has this really great heart, better than most people. It was just nice to talk to them. I always enjoy those nights together, just relaxing and talking.

Weird ass dreams.

I am so fucked up. I just had the most fucked up dream. I dreamt that I was knocked up by sunshine and that we were going to bvj across sylvan lake with his girlfriend in the boat just the three of us. I went for a walk around the lake and saw a bunch of people I knew then when I came back sunshine and I were cracking jokes and just being our old ridiculous selves and his girlfriend was just so grumpy about it. Then because of his parents money they wanted a paternity test and I told them they were more than welcome but they were just going to make asses of themselves because I hadn't slept with anyone else. 

Sunshine was like I know and his mom was like I know but we just have to take this precaution. So then I woke up ad thought WHAT THE FUCK. I have never slept with sunshine and for that matter I haven't spoken to him about anything real in almost four years. 

If I could write you a letter...

I would tell you that you are a disappointment. YOU are the disappointment, not because you are incapable of success but because you are so concerned with what everyone else is doing and has done and has been 'given' and all that you've already done that you forget that success is continuous work. You claim you want a business that you've started up and yet you complain about how much work it is, how much you haven't sold, how much debt it is. You don't want a business to be successful, you want a business to say you have a business. You want status. You want to tell people that you are a somebody. Well guess what it's RD no one in real life gives a flying fuck about how 'successful' you are in a small city in central Alberta. NO ONE who's opinion is worth anything in your opinion of what 'success' is even knows what RD is, nor do they care.
You have such potential because you are smart but you don't want to put anything in to it. You have this sense of entitlement that is just embarrassing actually because you make such an ass of yourself because you can't back it up. We don't come from money, we don't come from royalty. We come from a family that loves us and works for what we have. The only difference is that you cannot even see how lucky you are to be loved and especially to be loved unconditionally.
Yeah, you've hit a few rough patches in your life but guess what, so has every other person in the world. Just because they didn't make it known to everyone else doesn't mean they haven't struggled. Do you even know anything that's happened in my life in the last year? No. You don't because you haven't asked. You don't care about anybody else because you are too consumed with your narcissistic selfishness.
You're concerned your husband is cheating on you? Well maybe if you stopped treating him like garbage, spending his money like you earned it and never ever being grateful for anything then he wouldn't. But each comment about how he doesn't make enough money, or he's talking to his girlfriend, etc. is pushing him closer and closer to leaving you. So STOP before it's too late.
You are a pretty good mom, most days. At least, you have the potential to be. It's obvious that you love your kids. But the way you treat your son in comparison to your daughter is a whole bunch of bullshit. She may be older but that doesn't mean you can blame everything on her and yell at her and treat her like she's 25 and should know better. She is three years old, GIVE HER A FUCKING BREAK.
Probably the worst is the way you treat your family. The one's who love you and have always been there for you. It's actually disgraceful the way you treat your mother. She basically gave up her life for you and you treat her like dirt. Why? Because she isn't financially savvy and hasn't always made the best financial choices and she isn't a millionaire? You know, it's pretty brutal because she's been the most stable person and loves you more and unconditionally than anyone else. She's always there and you take advantage of that. I'd like to know what she did to you in life that was so completely horrible that you can even comprehend treating her that way is even remotely acceptable.
The way you treat me like I owe you something because when we were going through things you were a stable force  for me is complete bullshit. I don't owe you anything. You are supposed to be my sister. You are supposed to do things because you love me and you want the best for me and you want me to succeed. You aren't supposed to take everything you've ever done for me and use it against me.
I just don't understand what happened to you. How did you get this way? You have so much potential but you're just such a stuck up miserable bitch you can't even see your own potential. Cut yourself a break and everyone else out there once in awhile. Enjoy your life. Be grateful for BOTH your beautiful kids and your husband and that you are lucky enough to have your mom in your life. Be grateful you have two sisters who despite the way you treat them are still there for you.
Quit caring so much what other people think of you and quit caring so much about your 'status' and being able to say you have money and throwing it in peoples' faces. Reality check, most of those people have zero personal life, and are complete assholes. There are a few kind ones, but there's a whole lot more assholes out there. So quit being one of them because you have nothing to back it up. Work for something that matters to you, something that will make you happy.

Two of my professors said to me:

You know, being a great teacher for five years is better than letting someone else mediocre in your place. You don't have to love it forever but give it a chance. 

I say a little prayer for you.

I'm laying here in bed trying to sleep but I'm wide awake because I don't know of he's made it there safe yet. He's got no phone now and who knows how long it will be before his Internet is set up. I realize it's silly because there's absolutely nothing I can do but I am just going to continue to worry and probably not sleep tonight. 

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do.

A little piece of my heart broke.

He's gone. 

He leaves tomorrow.

It's really real now. 

Please, I beg you.

Look friends, I neeed comments. Like bad. I need advice or encouragement or discouragement or something. Please.