a few years ago i thought that i was in love with a boy. i was absolutely crazy about him. i did everything he ask, everything i thought he'd want, i tried to be be everything that i thought he wanted. i gave up pieces of myself for him. i gave up who i was like i was nothing, like who i was, who i am wasn't good enough. i loved him, so i was willing to give up everything.
i've learned a lot since then. i learned that my relationship with him was toxic. and that you don't have to give up who you are for anyone, no one is worth that, no matter how much you think you love them, nothing is worth giving up who you are. it took me three years to realize how much i'd given up. but when i did, i realized that it was the best thing for me, that i wasn't such bad company, and that i had better, other people in my life that were worth my time and energy, people that deserved to know me. it took me a long time to let him go but when i did, i moved on. and i realized that that wasn't love, how i felt for him wasn't true love. i cared about him and i always will but i really don't think that was love.
love is unconditional. when you love someone, you love all of them. flaws and all. and when life gets hard, when your relationship gets hard, it's hard together. true love isn't a fairy tale that knows no pain. it's two souls facing it together and diminishing it with unconditional love. you don't get to choose who you love. you just fall in love with them. and if you're lucky, the luckiest person in the world, that person loves you back. but it has to be unconditional. you don't get to change your mind or take back your love. you just have to trust that your love, our love, can conquer anything. and that belief is what moves it into reality.
i thought i was in love with a boy a few years back. turns out that back then i knew absolutely nothing about love. i thought i'd dealt with a broken heart before but this is different. sure i still think about the boy i thought i loved a few years back. i wonder how he's doing and i hope that life is treating him well. but i moved on and i could get past it. and moving on let me really fall in love with a boy. a boy that loved me more than most people know in a lifetime. and i know it was real because of it's ability to destroy me and moments later feel on top of the world. to know that when someone looks at you, they love what they see. the things that you dislike most about yourself are the things they love the most about you, because they make you you. and when that person is gone, when that person threatens to leave, you feel like your entire world is crashing down around you. that nothing else matters except for that one person.
there are six billion people in the world, six billion souls and you only need that one. that's how i feel. the thought of not being with him winds me. i can't get through a day without tears. i can't sleep, or eat, or concentrate. or really do anything because the mere thought of losing him destroys every piece of me. the concept that we aren't going to end up together, that we aren't gonna get past this, it makes me speechless. i can't explain how awful of a feeling it is. to know that i love one person so much and i couldn't see it when it was right in front of me. to know that i let fear crawl into the back of my mind and destroy it. to know that i let fear destroy that feeling in the pit of my stomach. to know that i might never be with him again makes me physically sick. i feel like nothing else matters, like nothing ever will.
they say if you love something, let it free. if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. if it doesn't, it never was. right now it feels like nothing else matters, like i'm never gonna be okay. but if you need me to let you go then i will. because i truly love you with everything that i have. i just really hope you find the courage to come back to me someday.
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