i'm hurt. and i'm upset. and a part of me is afraid that we'll fall back into it. but i don't want to. i'm better than that. i deserve a real relationship. and i'm really not sure how to feel about the whole situation. i mean yeah, i miss him and it hasn't even been 24 hours. but at the same time, i know i need this space. i know that i have to move on. if he isn't ready for this then i guess we just have to take some time to figure out what's best for us. and right now, i can't be his best friend. i'll always be a part of his life but for now i just have to try to move on. the hardest part of that is that i don't want to move on. i want to be with him. but he's not ready and i respect that. he knows how incredible it is and how different it is and that we may very well end up together. but right now and for the last six months, he's had me at his beck and call. and i get my hopes up and i think that maybe, just maybe he believes me. he trusts me. he can let it go. only to have him shatter my heart. and i love him, i really do. and those are big words for me. i love him. right now, what he needs most is to realize how much he loves me back. how much he needs me. how much he wants me. so for now, i have to let him realize how much he misses me when i'm not around. and i have to try and be the best version of me that i can.
i have to trust that our love is strong, that it can conquer this.
so i love you number twelve.
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