Torn.

I'm so torn. I'm torn between where I want to go in life and what I want right now. I have a year and a half before I can go anywhere. I want someone for a year. Then break up so I can go see the world and live it up. Selfish I know. The problem is that I can't date someone just to date them. It's not in me. I need to see a future because that's who I am. I've never been able to do the high school relationship thing.
To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of relationships. I am terrified to find that someone. I am terrified that I'm going to have a broken heart again. I'm terrified to ever get a divorce. I wasn't even two when my parents split up. That kind of thing leaves a mark. And I think my lack of commitment scared number twelve because I was so afraid of letting him in and he couldn't understand why.
So now I'm at this place where I'm torn between wanting someone and not wanting to let that someone in. I want someone as long as it's completely on my terms. No compromise, no commitment. When I say I want him and when I say I want space entirely my own accord.