Yesterday I went to antelope hunter's to pick up some stuff of mine from university and that I left on M's grad night. And I ended up taking to A and K for a long while then we decided to go see antelope hunter and have a snack (and me a drink). So we head to Mohave and number 12 is the bartender there. And A and K always talk about number twelve and how they just want him to grow up because everyone sees us together and he's just being a dickhead right now. And I get why he's doing what he is but that doesn't make it any easier. So before we left I went into the bar and said thank you for my drinks. We talked for a few minutes and then I just had to leave because I was on the edge of tears.
He told me that he's going to the stampede today and that really hurts me. It hurts me that he makes time for all his friends and they go out and they do fun things and blah blah and last summer it was like pulling teeth trying to go out and do something that wasn't a date just him and I. And even those were rare. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like he's ashamed of me. I mean, I am completely content being home 9 out of 10 days and I loved that we didn't have to go out and we could just stay home and bake a cake or make dinner or whatever. But it hurts me that he never wanted to show me off. He was never proud to be with me.
And I was just the opposite. I was so proud to be with him. I wanted everyone to see how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I guess it's just hard to watch a boy who completely gave up drinking for a dream, watch him lose his dream and fight for another dream for so long to come home for the summer and turn into an alcoholic slut. It just sucks. I want him to be happy but this just isn't who he is. He did this two summers ago, right after we graduated. And I mean I get it, he's a really sexy and brilliant 20 year old boy with the world ahead of him and plenty to offer; yet he is going out and wasting everything he is and everything he has to offer for nothing.
Last night after Harry Potter (which was amazing I might add, yet I couldn't fully enjoy it because number twelve stole my mind) I went for a drive. And I ended up outside his work and I just sat there in tears trying to understand. I am trying to comprehend how we got here and what all of this is trying to teach me. I didn't have the balls to go inside because I didn't know what I'd say. I just kind of sat there going over in my head what I would say to him. What would I do to convince him that this is real? How do I convince him to believe in us like I do?
No comments:
Post a Comment