i had a pretty good day after that with the family. then i called him on my way hoem and he was short and mean and rude. and i knew it was happening again. i didn't know what to do. i'm so tired of our relationship getting even better and even worse each time we do this. and he knows it, he knows how incredible it is when we're together. he has admitted it numerous times and how abslutely captivated we are to just be in each other's presence. he started being mean and we fought all through my supper with daddy. then he told me he just doesn't want people close in his life. not just me, but nobody. he told me he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and we just have to stop this. like he's said every other time. i just keep telling him that i'm not going anywhere and i love him. and he said well maybe you can prove it to me one day. so i did.
i went to his apartment and i asked him how that was for proof. he got angry and told me he'd let me in but i couldn't stay over night. i didn't even want to stay over night. i just wanted to talk, i wanted to understand. i still don't understand. then we fought for a little while. and again he told me it wasn't about me. that he just didn't want any of this. he didn't want anyone to be close enough to him to ruin his dreams. and i kept asking him how i was ruining his dreams and if there was anybody who believed in him and supported him it was me. but he just kept saying he has goals and where he wants to get he needs to be completely alone.
i sat there bawling, trying my damnest to understand. but i don't understand. i still don't. and i told him i don't understand why he's throwing away someone who cares so much about him. and i don't understand how you just throw someone you love away. he told me that it wasn't that he didn't love me but that he couldn't be close to me or anyone for that matter. that he would fight the pain and tell himself every day that he could reach his goals if he just overcame this pain. that he's strong enough to live with that pain and reach his goals. i was speechless, i just bawled. i've never cried so hard in my life especially in front of someone else. i just don't understand. he means so much to me and i could never just throw the person i love away like that. i told him i didn't understand why it had to be either or. why can't he have both. he told me that we could talk occasionally though about things other than us. and i told him i don't want to just be an acquaintance with him. i want us to be in each others lives for real or not at all. it's too hard to watch someone you love from that far away.
he told me that i hurt him so bad that he didn't want anyone close to him. and i told him that he's the only reason i ever let anybody close to me. it's funny really in a not-at-all type way. i had very little to say and he just sat there, watching me cry, knowing that with everything he said he was breaking my heart into smaller and smaller pieces. then he said, "the truth really fucking hurts eh"?
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