you believed baby.

On that note, I should probably say that he's text me the last few days. Of the three messages I've got, I haven't answered any. In fact, I haven't even read them on bbm. And I know how frustrating that is. It's probably selfish of me but I just feel like after putting my heart on the line every day for 8 months, I feel like now he can make an effort if I'm important to him. I tried to make an effort every single day and I'm just not sure that I have it in me to keep trying.
I've dreamed about him lots lately and he keeps trying to get back together in my dreams and for the first time I told him 'not yet'. I was really proud of myself after I woke up to that, especially more than once. It's not because I don't love him or I don't want to be with him, I mean I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And it's definitely not because I want to be with someone else, I just need to be alone. We need to be alone.
I love that kid with my whole heart, I really do. But I know that if our relationship is going to work out, now isn't the time. We both have a lot of growing up to do and we both need to accomplish some things in our life before we make a lifelong committment. We've discussed how we don't want to make decisions at nineteen for the other one, because we don't want to end up not following our dreams and resenting each other as a result. We've discussed how scary it is to see a future with someone at 16 and 17 and 18 years old. And that's what happened to us.
I was scared shitless when I saw a future with him. When he asked me to move in with him I wanted to run to the hills. And how stupid am I? The boy I love more than anything wanted to spend his life with me and I ran away and did everything I could to destroy it. I was afraid; that doesn't make what I did okay. But it made me realize a lot of things. And lately I've learned even more.
I had one other dream about him lately, only this time, it was a long time from now. Four or five years maybe, at our wedding. And my sister was giving a speech about us and how we'd been on and off for a long time and things had been really rock for awhile and then we finally got to a place where we could be together and we were so happy because we had waited and believed and fate brought us back together. She talked about how because we'd been through so much together, our love was easy to see and it was the kind of love that was easy to see it'd last forever. And during her speech we both looked at each other and I remember thinking "I'm so glad I waited" and he said to me "you believed baby, now we have our future together".
I know that it was a dream and maybe it means nothing. But maybe it means everything. And so I have to go on with my life, always loving him and believing that what is meant to be will always be; people that are meant to be together always find their way in the end.