Legitimately, what does it mean when you dream about your ex. I had a dream about number twelve last night it was fucked.
It was weird though, I've never had a dream like that. I saw one of his friends from high school. I guess they're still kind of friends, but they aren't close any more at all. So I was talking to LW and he was telling me about life and whatever and we had a great chat. I've always got along with him. I remember when I asked him for number twelve's address last year because I had to send him some stuff and he was like B, he loves you, you know that right? And I was like I know. He's like I know you love him, and I respect how much you care about him. And I know there's more to the story than I know about how your relationship went down. He's like you should be proud of the way you've handled it all. In my dream, we didn't really even talk about number twelve and they he somehow got brought up and I was like well how is he?
And LW was like you know he's really good. I was like I'm so glad to hear that. LW kind of avoided eye contact and I was like what... He's like well, he's got a girlfriend, B. And I think they're really happy. He just bought her a snowboard. I was a little shocked but I was happy for him. I was hurting, but I mean, in all honesty, I really do want number 12 to be happy. So he was like B, it's really serious; like, ring serious.
I was winded. I felt like somebody just stabbed me, repeatedly. I cannot explain how I felt. I didn't even speak. I didn't cry. I was completely numb.
We talked some more and then we ended up at my childhood house, and HJR was there. I told her what happened. HJR has understood number twelve and my situation better than anyone. And her and S are the most supportive of pursuing it whenever I have. I think they understand there's more to this than an old boyfriend. And when HJR and I started talking about it, I just started bawling. I just couldn't comprehend it. I knew one day that'd probably happen and LW said, I didn't want to tell you. I knew I shouldn't.
And I reminded him, it's not his fault. I was happy he told me. It was real, official. I needed to really move on. The possibility of a future with number twelve had disappeared forever for me.
It was supposed to work out. It was supposed to be us. It was supposed to be our happy ending. And it wasn't. And LW made a comment about always pulling for us.
I guess I just don't know what this means. I woke up winded and in tears this morning. Is this me telling myself to let go? Is this my subconscious? Is this my subconscious telling me to do something before he moves on? I wish it were the third option. But I cannot do that. It has to be him. It has to be him all in before I consider going even a toe in again. And that scares me.
No comments:
Post a Comment