okay, okay. so here's the truth. today i went for a drive today with one of my best friends and her momma. we went to watch her boy play hockey in camrose. and i didn't drive, that was the first mistake. then we listened to some tswift. yet another bad idea. fearless. fucking fearless. all i could do was think of you and how much i missed you. i missed driving to your hockey games with my coffee in hand and taylor swift blasting away. i missed waiting for you for half an hour(unless mikee was reaaallyy mad) only to have you say hey babe i'll call you in a few minutes. and have my phone be ringing as soon as you got in the car. i miss going to your house and waiting for another half an hour while the two of you ate. again. and i miss everything that went with those nights. i miss all the boys you played with. all the people who came to watch. bringing your mommy tea. i miss all of us hanging out after the game. i miss picking your shirt and tie before the game. i miss you holding me in your arms and feeling safer than i've ever felt in my whole life. i miss waking you up in the morning and cuddling before school and i miss you being my wakeup call when you didn't have your spare. i miss you telling me to relax because i was stressing something silly. i miss you letting me make you feel better when you told me you weren't hurt. i miss you being yourself around me. i miss you lettting me get to know you, letting me in. i miss how good i had it, how good i could've had it. i miss how great it could've been. and i can't stop thinking about how much i screwed up.
i don't know if it's because everything changed so fast and i just lost you or if it's because i finally let him go that i realized how much i care about you. i don't know what it is. but i feel so attracted to you, yet so disconnected. sometimes we talk like before. and you can still make me smile when i'm in the worst mood. you still drive me nuts with a single word just because you want to drive me nuts. and other days you just seem so short, so disconnected. and now you're not even here. and i hear our song and i think to myself that i'd still do all of those things for you, you still absent-mindedly make me want you, i have to try so hard to ot get caught up, you drag me head first, fearless.
i feel like by letting go of him, i finally made room for you. i finally made room for someone else to enter my life. to be a part of my life. and i can't see anyone better suited to fit there than you. i want to hold your hand and walk around banff again. i want to fall down the mountain because we are climing up sheer ice. i want to make granola bars. i want you to cook for me. i want to drive just to drive. i want to watch a movie but have no idea what to tell your mom it was about because i just layed in your arms and talked the entire time. i just miss you.
No comments:
Post a Comment