stone angel.

I kind of lashed out on number twelve the other day. I just got so tired of him telling me he wanted to hang out and he wanted to see me and that he'd  text me etc. when he made zero effort. I told him that actions speak louder than words. And in all honesty, they really do. I mean I know he still cares which is all I wanted to know all along. He's just so him. I don't know how else to explain it. He's so afraid to let me back in and I get it, I'd be the exact same way. And I never believed him when he told me he'd always be there, that he'd never leave me to be hurt like before. And when I believed him, he was gone. I think that's why I try so hard to make sure he knows that I'm not going anywhere. Because that's what I'd want. Listen to the song 'The Other Side of the Door' by Taylor Swift. I know that everything he's telling me is different than what he's showing me. And what he's saying and doing is not what is in his heart. He's afraid. And he doesn't want me to wait because if I wait then I prove him wrong. And I prove that everything we have been through was worth it. And while all those things sound great, if I do that and he lets me back in, I'll have the chance to hurt him again. And that is a fear more terrifying than any other.
The other day I told him that I was tired of just talking about going to do something and I wanted us to actually go. The asshole inside him came out and he said yeah well I just don't care. And I called him out on it. Because despite what he says, I know that he does care. And I told him that. I told him fine, you don't care that's up to you. But I do care. And I think you care too. And that's what you're afraid of. Seeing me the other night scared you because all those feelings came back and you realized that you do care. It's easy to pretend you don't care and convince yourself that you don't care when you don't see the person you love. Out of sight, out of mind. But the opposite is true as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I told him that I wasn't going to be putting up with his bullshit anymore. I was kind of mean actually but I just hit a wall where I needed to be honest. I basically said "I am so fucking worried about you that's why I wanted to see you. Good luck with your friends that encourage you to drink and party and do fuck all with your life. When you remember the type of person you want to be, I'll be there". I know it was harsh but sometimes that's the only thing that works, especially for 20 year old boys. I am genuinely really worried about him because for a year and half he lectured me on drinking and partying and hanging out with the wrong types of people and going to the bar and not doing things to advance you in life. And it really hit home for me and I started to change because all the things he was saying made sense. Drinking is a waste of money and it does make me sick and I have had some awful things happen to me. And I want to set my life on a better path than that. That's why I work so hard at school and have three jobs and exhaust myself in every way possible. He's lost like 15-20 lbs and he drinks and parties and he was more stressed out than I've ever seen him. I know how much pressure his parents put on him but I also know how muhc pressure he puts on himself. It seems silly to me because he just so incredible. And he has so much going for him. And I was worried the entire time he was in Calgary because he isolated himself so much but now he's just not even himself at all and I think that worries me even more. I don't even think he goes to the gym or works out anymore. I just want him to be happy. But in my heart of hearts, I don't think he is and I feel a responsibility to try and make him happy. Or at least, help him realize what will make him happy.