I wrote again last night for the first time in a long time. I don't mean blog, I mean really write in the true divinity of the world. I forget the serenity I feel while I write. The solace that envelops me as I put my hand on a piece of paper with a pen. It's silly really, how I can find such contentment in printing a few words. But I do.
I wrote number twelve a letter because I layed awake thinking about him and stressing for a good two hours before I decided to do something about it. I guess I just have so much to say and that is sometimes hard because I don't really know if he ever read this. And if he did, I think he'd be upset that I put some of the words out there for others to hear, even the people that don't know us because our relationship is between him and I and that's the way he wants it to be.
I guess I don't really write how I really feel about him on here either because it really is just for him to know. It's not that I don't want the world to know that I love him. There's just some things that I will never open up enough to strangers about. It's silly but I have to keep the world at arms reach. It's in my nature. I suppose I just don't trust anybody. I don't even really trust myself anymore.
I wonder if there's a reason I don't trust or if it's just who I am. And yeah you could say that trust is a choice. But it's really not. There are people in this world that have not even done anything to me to make me not trust them but I just don't. You can try and trust someone but at the same time, your guts either do or they don't trust someone. And my guts are very strong deciding forces in my life.
I'm just carrying so much that I shouldn't be carrying. Like yesterday I went for a drink at ojs with some work friends and ended up getting pretty drunk off tequila shots. That's not who I am. I'm just trying to feel something or nothing. I don't know.
No comments:
Post a Comment