I'm really frustrated with a lot of things about number twelve but I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I mean I'm frustrated because I love him, more than anything. I would give my life up for him. And he basically could care less that I even exist. And I'm doing my damnest to try to let it go but I don't feel like it's something I should let go of. It's too important to me. I still want him in my life. I guess I've just kind of hit a point where I have to stop caring. I have to somehow find a way to convince myself that I don't care anymore.
I don't understand more than anything, how you just throw someone you claim that you love away completely. I mean I understand things have to be different, but I called him in tears about something that had nothing to do with him and he didn't even call me back. How do you just quit caring. How does love like that just up and walk away.
Lately, I've seen a lot of things about boys who have to push a girl away because they aren't strong enough to deal with her. And I'm starting to think that's what it is. Because sometimes the only way we can get through the day is to push the people we love away. And I know I'm probably just naive and he doesn't care anymore and he's just over it all but I want to believe that he loved me. I believe he loves me. I know how ridiculous it sounds, I really do. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself that he loved me. That all of it meant something. I don't know if I'll ever be okay without him, if I'll ever be okay to see him with someone else, or to be with someone else myself.
But I believe in our love. I really and truly believe in it, implicitly and unquestionable. I believe in the beauty of it. And I know that that was true love, us; we truly loved with all of our hearts. At least, I love him with all of my being.
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