strength.

I am not as strong as you might think. I'm actually not strong at all. I am really good at pretending I am strong.I am struggling today. Today is the first day I've really had a chance to think about number twelve. I never answered him on my birthday. And it was great to go out last week and have fun and let loose and think about another boy for a night or two. I have been so busy with school I really haven't had to face it. And earlier tonight I was in tears. It is hard to be without him. I think about that kid every single day. But I want to be strong enough to move on. I want to be strong enough to believe I deserve better.
I think that's the hardest part. I was never the girl boys liked. I mean I was, but not the girl the boys liked as more than a friend. I was the guy's girl. I had guy friends and we always had a blast but I was never the 'girlfriend' type. And it blows my mind because I have so many friends that always ask me for relationship advice and I try to help and I give my honest opinion most of the time but inside my head I'm like "HELLO ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE HEAD????????? I AM THE WORST EXAMPLE FOR RELATIONSHIPS EVER. MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND I HAD THE MOST FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP EVER!"
I don't know I just like struggle because I am just like this is ridiculous. I want to find a boy that will treat me well but at the same time, I don't know if I will really give someone a real chance. I just want to be happy you know? Is that so much to ask?