You can't love someone into loving you. I get that. But do you think you can love someone enough that you learn to love yourself?
I don't know. I have been thinking a lot about J the last few days. And yesterday I had reached a point where I decided I wasn't going to talk to him for a few days this week and just kind of see how he would react. And I had talked myself into it and thought about all the ways it would be good for me and that I was strong enough to fight it.
But then today I went for my massage. And literally the first thing she said to me when I walked in was, "your boss was here yesterday". So I asked J or T? And she's like J of course! I thought he must've told you to call because you called while he was getting his massage.
So I was already like is that a coincidence because it's a weird one.
So then I had my massage and it was great actually and then after she basically asked why I wasn't dating him yet. And it's so hard for my because I basically want my response to every person who asks me that question to be why don't you ask him?
So she's like J still single why you no like him? He's good-looking man and nice, very nice. He work too and same age. I was like oh we're pretty good friends now and he's a bit older than me. She asked how much so I told her and she says oh that's nothing!
I kind of wish that she would say to him, "J, B is single why you no like her?"
I think I just get the most frustrated when people ask why we aren't dating because I actually don't know. People have told us we are dating and we're the only ones who don't know it yet.
And in a lot of ways I can understand why they'd think that. We share a bond that is undeniable. There is a chemistry and an understanding we share for one another. There's a love. And I don't know if it will ever be a romantic love but I can honestly say that I love him, unconditionally. I don't like everything he does and says and he can be frustrating as hell. But I would do anything he asked me to if I knew it mattered to him. And he does most of the things that matter to me. And lately I have received more pressure than ever to say something to him but I don't even know how. I wouldn't know where to begin. I mean I often wish I could just ask him why he does all the things he does for me. Because from that answer I could at least get a reading maybe on how he feels. Right now he sends mixed signals, left, right and centre.
I guess I just want to know where his head's at but I have no idea how to ask.
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