i hate hearing that song. or looking at a picture of you, of us. i hate seeing the happiness. the comfortability. the knowing i know you better than you know yourself. knowing you know me better than i know myself. i hate knowing that you could smile a certain way, or look at me a certain way and know exactly what i was thinking. i hate knowing we can have an entire conversation without saying a word. i hate that seeing any red tacoma makes me do a double take and fight back tears. i hate that she put out a new cd and all i wanted to do was drop a copy off. i hate that as soon as i heard the songs, all i could do was think of you. i hate the memories. i hate that there is nothing i can do, no one i can see that doesn't remind me of you. i hate that i can't go to a stupid volleyball game without someone asking me about you. i hate that i can't listen to taylor swift without fighting with everything inside me to not cry. i hate that i can't go to starbucks without thinking about what you'd want. i hate that i can't listen to sexy can i or any other song on my ipod or cds without somehow being reminded of you. i hate that i can't hang out with my friends, our friends without thinking of you. i hate hearing or thinking 'you belong together, you're meant to be'. i just hate that everything and anything that i do or say or see reminds me of you. i hate the memories of you. i know that's selfish and that it's unfair to wish away all the greatness that it was. it's selfish to wish you away. it's selfish to wish that i could forget you. selfish and immature. it's selfish to pretend to hate you. it's selfish to want to hate you. but i do, want to hate you that is.
mostly, i hate that i don't hate you.
because hate is just so much easier than love.
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