I honestly hate to admit this more than anyone could ever know but I kind of want a boy. It's like I have so many reasons why I don't want one, primarily that I don't ever want to not follow my own dreams because I have a boy that makes me want to stay. But lately, I kind of want one. I think part of why I let the charade go on as long as I did with number twelve is because I loved having him there. I honestly love him so much and I always will. But I loved being able to tell him about my day, the silliest little things that aren't even relative to life, but he loved to hear them. I loved studying beside him for hours on end and only moving to get coffee or eat. I loved spending the entire day inside looking out at the beautiful winter night and just being so content.
That's what I miss the most, my best friend. I want that again. I want those conversations. I want the good morning beautiful text messages and the good night silly girl messages. I just want to feel loved, you know. That's vain and selfish and I know I'm loved. I miss that boy's love. I want to be loved. I want to be yearned for the way that I yearn for him. I want a happy ending. I want to be loved.
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