remind me.

I have the house to myself all weekend. K went home, and I have to work and I have two midterms next week. I like it most of the time, being alone. But every once in awhile it'd be nice for someone to be here. I try to pretend I'm all strong and tough about everything that went on with number twelve. And I mean I really am doing pretty well. I'm a whole lot better than I was, and most of the time, I'm okay.
But there are days I'm not. And there are things that make me sad. I mean, I'm independent and I'm not entirely sure I want a boy. I mean I was talking to my cousin today and she's like oh hey how's the love life and I was like non-existent. And she's like oh no! Why? And I really had to think about it. I mean honestly, I'm not the girl that boys like, I'm the best friend. But at the same time, I know I don't give off the "I am an easy fuck" or "I want a boyfriend" kind of vibes because I'm not a slut and I don't really want a boyfriend. I'm not needy like that, and K puts up with my neediness hahaha. But seriously.
I thought about it and to be honest, I'm not sure where I'm at about number twelve. I don't think I'd be able to open my heart. It doesn't help that K has exacerbated my trust and commitment issues either. But at the end of the day, I just don't think I'm ready. I have crushes. But I don't act on any of them. I mean yeah, I'd love to have someone to talk to all day every day and I'd love to have someone to come home to at night just to be there with me. But I don't need a boy to get me through my day. I don't need a boy to feel worth or to be happy.
I guess the most frustrating part of that for me is that I have so many friends in relationships that don't understand that. They always have a boy around and they don't know how else to be. They cannot comprehend that I don't desire that. I don't know.
I'm afraid that my independence intimidates men. I mean, if you knew a girl who didn't need you, why would you want to date her? What would you bring to the relationship? I don't see it that way, but most guys do. As I've said before, no, I don't need a boy to take care of me; I want a boy to take care of me. And that's a big difference.