arm's length away.

S and I talked about number twelve last night. And it's hard for me to do that sometimes but S is actually a good person to talk to about it beause she reaffirms that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm being mature in the way that I handle the situation etc. I mean that is a messy ass situation. It is hard and painful and disastrous. There is a fine line between love and  hate for both him and I. We love each other so much but hate that we cannot get over the other one.
I think that is what's hardest for me. Like I just cannot think of being with someone else even though I know that number twelve and I won't be together any time soon if we ever are. And it's stupid really because I feel like that would be unfair to any other guy I could date. I mean that my heart wouldn't be available to him even if he gave me his. And I don't want to date some big asshole because I don't want to put myself through that so then if I did date a nice boy I would just feel bad that I couldn't let him all the way in. I don't honestly know if I'll ever be able to let anyone else all the way in.
JP made an interesting comment about DK the other night. She was like would you ever date him. And when I told S she's like no that's weird he's like your brother. But it's not really like that. I don't look at him like a brother because he's let's be honest, he's a fucking smokeshow. But at the same time I don't think I'd ever want to date him either. He's a really nice kid, a good friend and I don't honestly know if I'd be willing to risk that again. I don't want to lose another friend and especially with DK I'd have the possibility of losing AM and PD. And to me, it's just not worth that. Another thing I don't think I could deal with is the way he looks at HJR because she's one of my closest girl friends. I love DK but I just wouldn't go there.