I made a fool of myself on Friday in front of a lot of people. Primarily DK but he'll get over it in a week or two. What I'm more upset about is RD. Not that we were anything, but now we won't be anything. And I honestly don't even know what I liked about him or why it mattered. It was just dumb bar hookups.
But I think that because this is the first boy I've given more than one chance and actually hung out with and enjoyed conversation and made a point to hang out with. I don't know. I just haven't given myself the opportunity to feel anything real since number twelve. And I'm still not sure I am ready to.
But for some reason I keep playing in my head the way I'd apologize again to RD and try and make it up to him. Explain that I was just being ridiculous and I got scared. I kind of told him I was afraid from the beginning because of how long I'd put this situation off for. I don't want to be with someone. But at the same time, I miss having someone there for me. What I miss most is talking about the silliest things. And I can't say that I don't miss number twelve or that I won't because I think that I always will but that doesn't mean I have to sit at home and wait for him either.
I just keep thinking that maybe there is something I could do, something I could say.
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