Then you stand.

It's really hard sometimes because it's like my friends can tell something is up but they don't know what. I struggle listening to them sometimes because I'm hurting and I'm overwhelmed and I feel so disconnected from them. And I know I'm choosing that. I'm choosing for only D and J to know. I haven't really seen anyone and I barely talk to anyone unless they initiate a conversation or I'm purposely trying to ensure I'm not acting super odd to them. I am responding for the sake of not striking panic or curiosity not because I actually want to talk. I purposely avoid hanging out or make sure I'm scheduled to work so that I can say no. I saw B for the first time in like 5 weeks last week. It's super tough to be around anyone. I spent 3 days bawling to my mom, texting J while he was in China talking about it all and how much it sucks. And when I said thank you and apologized to him for my drunken ramblings he just told me he wasn't judging me, especially knowing what I was going through. I just feel lost. Helpless. I'm trying to be positive and stay busy and trust that I will get through this. I've been through so many things and this is just one more. Another lesson. I don't know how, I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it through this right now but I will be better, smarter, stronger after this. 

I'm really looking forward to D getting back so that I have someone else to hold me up, to remind me I'll be okay and make me laugh.