It's complicated.

And then of course I said merry Christmas to number twelve. I just texted him, we haven't spoken in exactly 14 weeks. I knew that I'd regret it if I didn't say it. I would regret not being the bigger person and swallowing my pride because it is Christmas and I really do wish the best for him. I want him to be happy, I want him to find love and live life to its very fullest. And that's hard for me a little bit because I wanted to be that love so badly. But at this point in my life, I'm just not. I'm not that love and I might never be. And that's okay with me because I'm young and I have so much life to live. I have so many things I want to accomplish in my life and none of those things are around here. I have things I want to find and people I want to meet and places I want to go. And so does he. So for the first time I've ever really been okay with it, I want him to find a love and a life without me. The happiest kind. Because at the end of the day I will always love him. He will always be my first real love.