Love. Love. Love.

He invited me to Mexico with him today. I honestly fucking love him. I cannot even put my feelings into words. 

Ease and grace.

It's nothing new but he's honestly the best and worst. I am accustomed to it now so while he frustrates me sometimes, I've altered my expectations. It's interesting because I've been so busy that I haven't seen him much or spoken to him. And I honestly felt a little bad on Sunday because he ended up having to be there and serve. He's good with that; he doesn't pressure me into talking about it but he's there and makes sure I know it.
He's been making a bit more of an effort to bring things up or have a chat. But yesterday and today were really interesting. He made me Dukey's emergency contact at doggy day care. When he told me, I laughed because that's probably the silliest thing I've ever heard but endearing none the less. He showed me his first day report card with pictures and everything today and he had to fill in my "relationship to dog". We died laughing about all the possibilities he should have written, especially one along the lines of "play thing" and "no strings attached" female friend.
It was nice tonight because I texted him to see if I could visit Dukey and he wasn't home and I hate pressuring him into hanging out but I genuinely think it's just not in his nature to initiate that sort of thing. He is so awkward about that sort of thing. He was like I'm not home and I said okay well it wouldn't be for an hour or two but it's completely okay. And of course he's like no no let me know when you're done. So I did and again he's like I'm on my way home and I'm not busy, it's fine with me if you come over. Which is really his way of saying come over, I'm too stubborn to tell you I'd like to see you and I'm concerned about you.
I went there and we ate chocolate and drank wine and played with the baby and watched soccer. He is honestly just the best friend. And I know I say it over and over but that's the type of relationship I want. It's so silly.
He put all this travel stuff together for me and offered me his men's belt that's a very secretive money pouch. He's just thoughtful like that. He was so concerned I wouldn't have all the things I would need.
It's that sort of stuff that really kills me. I mean of course I would do it for him. It's just like after all of our clashes, struggles, challenges; it's just easy. It's low-key and comfortable and we're friends. That is what I want in a relationship.

I knew this was happening again.

I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry. 

A split second.

Mom is in the hospital again. 

Shot to the heart.

I found box of my writing from high school tonight. It was emotional to say the least. I didn't read much. I think I might just throw it out. 

What it feels like to laugh again.

Love yourself.

I can't explain it.

I'm more than consciously aware of how terrible of a decision it would be but can I just say fuck I am attracted to him. He is so sure of himself and I think it is so sexy. 

Brooke Davis

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything it throws your way. And you are... You are." 

Be good. Find good.

Teachers.

Nathan Scott

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And that someday is yesterday. And this is your life." 

Little things.

Today I opened the door for D's classroom and a girl in his class said to me, "you look so pretty today". I was speechless. I was wearing my glasses, my hair was in a messy bun, I had a blue scarf with mustard yellow pants and a black shirt. I didn't feel like I looked good today at all. We need more people like that in the world. In leadership, we talk about that all the time. And I wonder if that kind of thing can really make a difference. It's like we are afraid to sound creepy or overbearing when we compliment others. I asked my kids how many of them feel uncomfortable when someone compliments them, more than half raised their hands. That's a problem to me. We need to build a culture that encourages building each other up, little by little. 

Cool.

I am furious still. Last night I sent J a picture of the Chelsea fixture. And I said what do you think about going to this? And he said I'm already booked with T, hospitality packages... Stupid expensive then something about being a red member and tickets going on sale in December. All I replied was cool. So he said cool back. 

I'm upset because for over 6 months he's been asking me what game I want to go to this year. He asked me before the fixtures came out, when the fixtures came out, in the summer, and in the fall when he asked me to the other game I couldn't swing I told him specifically this is the game I want to go to. Every time I have said this particular game. And now he's going with his brother without even a mention of it. And I get it, they're brothers, they cheer for the same team and it's a big game. My frustration comes from the fact that he's asked me. He is the one who, on numerous occasions has asked me which game I want to go to. He is the one who asked me to go in the fall. He is the one who has repeatedly asked me when I want to go. He knows that's the game I want to go to. And the fact that he makes a comment about how expensive it is also pisses me off. I can make something like that happen. I could've made the fall happen but it would have been irresponsible especially for a game I didn't care that much about. And now I am just so annoyed with him. 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Do better.

And start treating myself like I do.

I just want to take your time.

I'm going to step back from D. Yes, he's good to me but the more I think about t, the more it stresses me out. While I love J and I'm grateful to have him in my life, I cannot do this again. I cannot have another J. It will kill me. I cannot do another all over the place crossing professional lines but never fully crossing them garbage. I can't do the says he's here for me but makes it difficult because he's all over the place again. 

At some point you have to protect yourself. 

How do you balance self-love?

I think that that's something that has come up a lot for me lately. And I'm hoping that one of these days I really start to believe it. Not for a little while, while it boosts me up but down to the core. I don't see myself the way that others do and I know that. And I know we all look at our flaws and focus on things other people don't even notice about us until we point it out, but I think that my self perception is even more distorted than most. I have spoke about this before but I am consciously aware that I'm in pretty good shape and that I am not the size that I see. I've never been a tiny girl and it's always been a bit of a complex for me because I don't possess the petite, short, or overly feminine qualities of even focusing on makeup or hair or nails. And that's a very catch all judgment of women and a poor description of the beauty and abilities and unique talents that women possess. But those are things that society tells us women should be. Well I'm not petite and I played sports and I was one of the guys. And now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that who I am as a human being is beautiful. I spend my days building up children and teaching them to love themselves for who they are. Teaching them to find their strengths and passions and own them because they have something exquisite that only they can bring to the world. Teaching them to assess and block out the negative energy and comments and attention they will receive. Teaching them they're stronger than that. But I'm a hypocrite because I don't believe those things myself. I'm trying to, I'm working at it, I want to. But it takes time to change the core of a person. It takes time to develop positive thought patterns about the goodness of myself. To learn to love myself as unconditionally as I love others. That's always been a weakness for me and I think a part of that is I'm afraid to become too self-involved. I know the type of full-out commitment I have when I finally decide to do something and I'm afraid I'll lose an altruistic part of me. I'm afraid I won't be able to balance self-confidence with humility.  

Thanks? I guess?

Last night this girl I was serving told me I looked like some celebrity. I don't even remember her name but I was like oh I don't know her and the girl was like she's really pretty. And I was kind of taken aback, so I said thank you. And I this girl told me about her and said not to look her up because she's apparently not very nice but she's pretty so just look at her pictures. She's 44! 

Like okay so do you think I'm pretty or do you think I look nearly twice my age? 

Speechless.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/09/dear-miss-independent-stop-carrying-the-weight-of-the-world/ 

Me too.

Give credit where credit is due.

I'm really hard on him. And I know why I do it, because I expect more from him. I expect him to be willing to do for me the things I would do for him. But I forget that he is. He is willing to be there for me when I need him to be. I try to balance him as my friend and my boss and my extraneous feelings. But he deserves more credit than that. Any time that I tell him what I need from him, he's there: whole-heartedly. 

Tonight I asked him if I could take his dog and he told me he probably couldn't go far but to come anyway. So I did and Duke went for like 5 minutes before turning around. Then I sat and talked to him for almost 2 hours. He asked what was up and finally after an hour I started talking about it a bit. He reminded me that he couldn't do what I do and that I care. He's good at telling me funny things and getting my mind back to normal. He has proved he's there and I should give him credit for that. 

He's earned the benefit of the doubt.

What is it with me?

I'm frustrated today. Or sad. Or something. I don't know. I get down on myself sometimes. I know that I have a lot to offer the world and not in a cocky way but I know that I have strengths. Don't get me wrong, I'm also very aware that I have weaknesses. I am the type of person that does things whole heartedly. When I decide I'm in, I'm all in. It may take me 2 years to decide I'm all in, but when I do analyze every possible outcome, I'm all in.
I feel frustrated that I'm single. And I know that's stupid. There are so many cliches I could list right now it's not even funny. I just haven't found the right person, it's not the right time, I'm too independent, I'm too busy, etc. But eventually I just get pissed off. I do have a lot to offer the world so what's the deal. Why does everyone else find someone? How come everyone else gets love?
Realistically, I haven't been in a relationship in years. Years. 5 years. I know I wasn't ready for the longest time and that's okay. But what gives now? I don't understand.
I am a good person. I love unconditionally. I work hard. I'm smart and motivated and funny. I take care of my body by eating healthy and working out. I cook. I've got an education and a job. I'm attractive. I genuinely care about others and their well-being, sometimes to a fault. Altruism surrounds my core. So what is it? What is wrong with me? How come men don't want to be with me? How come I'm always alone? How do I drive people away?
Sure, I'm overly analytical. I'm incredibly awkward when I'm interested in someone. I can be overwhelming. I'm too sensitive sometimes and I'm often too critical of others. I'm definitely too critical of myself. I can be harsh and judgemental and I don't handle laziness or incompetence well. I work myself to the point of exhaustion and then usually need significant time to regenerate. I'm miserable when I'm hungry. I'm a poor sleeper. I'm selfish sometimes and I overstep my boundaries, but my heart is always in the right place.  I am a terribly embarrassing drunk and I'm immature sometimes.
I could write a list of my strengths and weaknesses for hours. But the thing is, we all have them. We all have things we like about ourselves, things we're proud of and things we're not so proud of. I have made my fair share of mistakes, I still do; every day. So how come everyone else can find someone? How come everybody else has somebody to love them back? It's not fair that I have to be alone. I know, life's not fair. As I sit here, fighting the tears in the corners of my eyes I just want to know what is wrong with me? What is it? What is the reason men don't want to be with me? Even for the people who aren't married and go through break-ups, they have someone; at least for a little while. Nobody has wanted to be with me for over 5 years. What does that say about me as a person? Please, somebody tell me what is wrong with me because I'll fix it. Or I'll try. I really don't want to be alone forever.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character".

Revitalize yourself.

I took yesterday and today off. I feel a little bit guilty but I really needed it. I've been so overwhelmed and not taking care of myself. I need to make more time for myself. I think it will be good when I move because I will have a table to sit down and work at so hopefully during the week I can accomplish more so in Saturday's I can relax. It's funny you know. How just not being immersed in children with attitude can replensish your energy. Sleeping, working out, cooking and meal prepping, cleaning and just doing work at home in sweats can heal you. I've been purging a lot. Anything I don't wear/use regularly: gone. 

We have so much stuff but what does it really mean. Do we need it? It's just heavy. It's unnecessary weight we carry around. And I need to release some. Start new. Refresh. 

It's true. Blink and you miss it.

You have the power to decide.

Define your worth before someone else does. 

Note to self.

"The person who broke you cannot fix you. Remember that."

How healing laughter can be.

Long term goals.

Well it's official. I'm moving. 

Walk humbly with God.

How we walk with the broken speaks louder than how we sit with the great. 

Confused.

A part of me doesn't understand men though. I mean, I inherently over analyze everything and I know that I'm doing that right now. So on Tuesday, he bought my dinner and made a special trip to get me a coffee even though he didn't want one. On Thursday, we went for coffee on our prep and he didn't get one, drove, and wasn't going to let me pay until I forced him. On Friday, he said are you going to go for a drink and I said I don't know maybe. He's like maybe ..what do you mean, are you going or not because I'm not going unless you go? I was still on the fence but he convinced me to go. As soon as I sat down, there were 2 lemon drop shots placed in front of me, that I of course didn't pay for. 

I'm mostly perplexed by our conversations and the fact we've talked about it so candidly and he says and does the things he does but it's still in the pre-phase. I don't understand why we 

haven't crossed the line to be honest. 

I know it's a terrible idea and so does he because well it crosses sooo many lines.  Comments are being made about us now by a few people. We were walking down the hall together the other day because we were leaving and H said to us, "you two better be careful, people are going to start talking about how much time you spend together".  D and I laughed and he says, "nah, if we were sleeping together we wouldn't be caught anywhere near each other". 

He has a point. Another day RD said, hey b, where's your buddy D? I said beats me?! The entire staff room looks at me like what are we missing. 

When we went for coffee I know people were talking because we left together on our prep that's the same. 

In the dance, this kid who has already asked us why we aren't together and told D that he likes us together grabs my hand, grabs D's hand and pulls us towards each other and both of us just burst out laughing. 

Needless to say, people are talking. 

Fun.

Content.

It's Halloween and I'm perfectly content at home. I am looking at social media at all the people going out and I don't feel like I'm missing out, at all. I was invited to do multiple things tonight, originally I was supposed to work. But I feel content at home, doing school work and watching hockey with a glass of wine in hand. I just feel over it. I was too tired to even conceive the idea of going out.
I honestly am really happy. I wish I had someone to share nights like this with but I'm okay without him.
I am thinking of moving and I am so torn. I think it's the best move financially for now. I should really do it and I know that I should. It's not like I'm really giving up my independence either.
I don't know we'll see.

Fun.

Comments all across the board. What do you do when you know something is a bad idea but you want to do it anyways. I mean getting involved, even if only sexually with someone at work is a bad idea. I know that. But I mean, I want to sooooo bad. 

Yesterday morning we're standing in the gym and he says, "I'm so stressed," so I asked why. He said because somebody thinks I would be fun to sleep with. No one has ever said that to be before. I'm like you're kidding. He's like no one has ever said they think I would be "fun" to sleep with. What the fuck does that mean? Fun? Not wild, or crazy or exotic in bed, fun? You think I'm gonna crack a joke or what?!  I'm flattered but come on, why the word fun? 

I nearly died. 

Haha so later in the day he says we should've dealt with this last week but we had other things to think about... Like how fun I am! 

I laughed and said hey I could've said I think you'd be boring. It would probably be terrible. He just looks at me with the most intense confidence and says it wouldn't, I'm certain of it. 

Again later a few of us were talking about the song ignition and one girl said how come that's not on the playlist. He's like that's on a VERY different playlist. The other girl says ya haha the one that require Kleenex and a hand. He just looks at me and smirks. 

Oh the places this disaster could go. 

Here goes nothing.

I said something this morning and I can't take it back.
I told D that I wanted to sleep with him which on one hand was a really stupid thing to do and I haven't even looked at my phone because I don't want to see what he says. I'm half praying he says absolutely nothing and we don't talk about it.
On the other hand, I am really proud of myself. The message I sent to him this morning is probably one of the most honest messages I've ever sent. So despite the repercussions, whatever they may be, I am going be proud of myself for saying how I feel.
I am a little stressed but fuck it at the same time. I keep walking past my phone but I flipped it over so I cannot see it.

Silly adults, that behaviour is for kids.

I needed to see this today. Sometimes it's so tough being an adult. I get frustrated when I feel like adults are acting like children which happens more than you think. I get so tired of being hated and spoken about. The gossiping about things that are completely untrue. I sometimes wonder why this consistently happens to me especially in work places with usually with women. And I can honestly see the things I did at the restaurant to at least give off the impression that what they said was true. But here, I've honestly done nothing wrong. I don't think that what I am doing is wrong in any way and that is frustrating. I know who I am and that I just have to keep to myself and hold my head high.

Kind words.

Today I walked out of my classroom as a grade 9 I've never met before was walking in. The first thing she said to me was, "you're pretty". I was so taken aback. To hear someone just say that so confidently. I needed that today. 

I absolutely adore this.

Choose love.

"It's a frightening thought that in a moment you can fall in the type of love that takes a lifetime to get over. " 

-Beau Taplin 

Timing is everything.

I have been really steeping back from J lately. To the point in fact that I've thought about giving up completely. After last night and this morning, this was the first picture that came up this morning and I can't help but notice the timing.  

Last night it was weird. There's this girl who's like 45 that is a bartender and I fucking HATE her, J can't stand her. She always like touches the other bartenders while she moves beside them but not like in a puts her hand behind your back so you don't run into one another like basically gropes you walking by,  especially J because she just loves him and he is actually so squeamish when she's around it makes me laugh.  So we're in the back and J is imitating her to C and H but is still like reasonable about the inappropriateness of it and then he fucking like basically raped me like hands allll over like waaaay more intrusive than C or H and we all were like laughing but then this other girl came around the corner and J's like should I do it to her? And we're like J she's 17 so she's like do what? And so he does it to me only this time he's literally like behind me fully englufing my body like just coping a feel of alllll the places like if any other human being did that to me in a public place I would punch them. It was so weird but it basically made me want to say if you're so comfortable to do this in front of other people without my permission, a) what would you do if you had my permission and we were alone and b) why are we not doing this naked at your place of residence? 

Confidence really is key.

I want to fuck him oh my gosh. He is not my type at all but he is so attractive. The way he dresses and the way he speaks to students and the way he speaks to me is just oh my gosh. His confidence is honestly one of the most attractive things I've ever seen.

Silly girl.

I might start looking at somewhere else to live. I like my place but it is really expensive by myself. It would be different if I were in a relationship and splitting my rent but right now what I am paying is an exorbitant amount of money alone. It scares me a little but it's not the worst thing. I mostly just hate moving.

Thoughts.

I'm in a funny place but I'm doing well.

So many souls to be thankful for.

I want to do life with you.

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes this.

T Bossman.

I hate when you admire someone and then they do something that makes you lose an incredible amount of respect for them. Why'd you have to ruin it?

Bitches being bitches.

Fuck I hate women. Girls are just the worst sort of bitches. 

Thanks kid.

Today I was telling LG and BC how shitty I felt about myself because I've lost 10lbs but it's not good 10lbs. It's not fat, it's definitely muscle from not working out or eating well and from being so sick this week. 

Tonight when J walked in, he smiled looked me up and down and said you're sooo skinny! 

I said ya I lost 10lbs this week but not in a good way. But thanks for saying that because I have been feeling shitty about myself. He's like that's not healthy but you are very skinny. 

So that made my whole day basically. I haven't been feeling good about myself and that definitely helps to hear something like that from him. 

As we age.

II think it is so good for me to have other men treat me well. To know that there are more men out there like that. I like that D opens my door and buys my coffee and is genuinely nice to me. He's a gentleman and I find it so refreshing to spend time with men like that. 

The last few days he's been so good about me being sick. Last night he told me if I needed anything to let him know. It just feels nice to have people who are like me because even though he lives on the other side of the city, I genuinely think he'd come bring me whatever I asked for. And I would do the same. But I think that's rare. There aren't many people out there like that. 

The more time I spend with older men, the less interest I have in any even remotely close to my age. At this point, I don't even know if I'd consider someone younger than 30. That's 6 years age difference and it'd have to be someone pretty incredible to change my mind. I can't be bothered to put up with the immaturity or the partying. I want someone who's settled and grown up and has goals for their life but the ambition and the commitment to actually achieve those goals. If you're 30 years old and you have yet to achieve anything, what's the point? I don't want to babysit. I want a mutually exclusive relationship that's mutually beneficial. I want to build you up but I want him to build me up too. I think at this point, I've really started to change what I'm attracted to. I wouldn't say I only cared about looks but I will say that looks become less and less important to me. Neither DT or J are "my type" but there are many things I find attractive about them. At the end of the day it really is about how the other person treats you and what you can build together. 

Head spinning.

I cannot sleep at all. Fuck. 

Speechless.

I'm physically shaking right now because he asked me to go to London with him tonight. This is literally what I wished for, for the last year. What an experience it would be. I am in complete shock. I really hope I can make this work.

I can honestly say I was stunned. He said, what are you doing September 27-30, pointing to the calendar where it says J gone. And I said I don't know but I can take care of Dukey for you... Where are you going?
He said no, I want you to come with me to London.
I said oh.

Hello darling.

So tonight I walked into OJ's and A says wow shorts really accentuate your ass. And I was a little thrown off but he looked fucking good. Like he's growing a beard and I think he and H have broken up like I'm intrigued. He's a babe. I've always thought that so we'll see. Maybe I'll visit him a tad more often and put the feels out. He gave me 2 free drinks tonight so that was pretty nice. 

Nothing lovely.

Overwhelmed.

Teaching junior high is fucking chaos.

First official teacher organizational day.

Well here goes nothing. 

Build yourself up.

I feel like I'm pretty good at building other people up. But the problem is that I never build myself up. I am the first person to put myself down. Even when I have a major accomplishment, I tend to focus on my errors instead of my accomplishments.
I'd really like to be better to myself. I know that it's a weakness for me.

I'm actually laughing so hard.

Heavy.

Sometimes I  just get so incredibly tired of being alone. It's like everybody has somebody, except for me.

Fuck.

I wish I didn't miss him so dearly when he wasn't around. 

Progress is appreciated.

So today I had two really nice moments with him and I'm really happy he's being like this. This afternoon I made a comment about the tennis balls outside my house this morning being a sign and the European lady who was grilling me about playing tennis and he said I'm serious B, I'll teach you and E. I'm like yeah I need to go get a racquet. And he's like no I have an extra one. So that was nice. 

And then tonight I said ugh the bald Man U guy is here and I told him his jersey made me want to puke and he said have you ever even been to a game in the flesh? And I said no. And he said wel you're not a true friend. So now we HAVE to go to a game this year. And he said okay, Chelsea in January.  

Soo maybe we're going to a soccer game? 

The Kite Runner

The only sin.

Naive thought.

Progress. A good start.

Today was interesting. It was our first day of work together since our little chat. He made a point to say hello as soon as he got there and he made a point to come say goodbye before he left. He's trying. And I appreciate that. He jokingly waved his tennis racket at me as though he were going to whack me with it and I said, "E and I are going to learn to play tennis!" He's like really!?!? Gooooddd! Finally! (He's being trying to convince me for like 2 years). So then I said yeah I know I really want to learn. And he says, I'll teach you! 

He knows he fucked right up and he thought he lost me. I hope he realizes how valuable I am. Because it broke my heart not to have him around and I hope he realized it broke his to lose me. 

Silly.

Last night went pretty well, I guess. I mean we really danced around the issues and talked about other stuff. The first thing he said when I got there was, "I'm sorry". He has probably said I'm sorry to me 4 times in his life. He said, "First of all, I'm sorry because your feelings are clearly hurt and that's not okay nor is it my intention. I don't want to make you upset".
I appreciate that he started out by apologizing instead of on a confrontational basis. He rarely takes responsibility for doing anything wrong so it was nice that he started off that way. We talked a little bit about it but mostly, I am just happy to how he responded. I told him that too. This morning was the most I felt like you cared about our friendship in months. And he's like obviously you feel like this is one sided and we can fix that but you have to talk to me when you're upset about something. So we'll see how things go from here.
DVZ asked me today if I had a key to his house. She's like you guys are seriously dating without sex. You're married. It's ridiculous.

Speechless.

Jesus Christ. That did not go how I expected it to go. My heart is pounding in my chest and there are butterflies the size of fucking rabbits playing tag in my stomach. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I matter, at all, to him. He said I feel like I've lost a friend and I don't even know why so when you're ready to fix it we can talk about it. 

So I guess we're going to talk about it this afternoon. 

Steve Toltz.

People aren't looking for answers. They're looking for facts to prove their case. 

Insightful book.

When you're falling, the only thing you have to hold onto is yourself. 

-Steve Toltz

Ugh.

I'm really annoyed at him tonight. He had CG find out through other people why I was mad at him. That really bothers me. You clearly know I'm upset with you, you're 30 years old. Just ask. 

I'm flustered because he wasn't even told the real reason. The reason he was told was really downplayed and makes me look very dramatic. The thing is, it's not the coffee. It's the coffee as the straw that broke the camel's back. He is shitty in a lot of ways and I think the worst part is that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. I think he was genuinely completely oblivious to why I am upset with him.

He tried a little harder tonight but that's not saying much. It's still only work related conversation. But I asked him for his manager code because he changed it. Only I asked him in the most professional way, "may I please have a code so I can discount this and void this and this?" So he texts me it and tries to make a joke about names because the discount was for a girl who works at their other place. I didn't answer. It's not a joke, it's not funny and I'm still upset. 

This is going to be more difficult than I thought though. Staying upset. I'm not really the type to hold grudges or stay angry and I think that's why this has gone on this long. It's also why he is the way he is about it. In his mind he's thinking, oh well she'll get over it... Because I always do. But I'm really trying to stand my ground here. I reached a pretty critical breaking point and I deserve better. 

Done.

You crossed the line too many times, I'm gonna put you in your place. You played with dynamite, don't be surprised when I blow up in your face. 

Holy shit he's John Mayer.

You are an expert at keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests. All the girls that you run dry with tired lifeless eyes 'cause you burned them out. 

I should've known.

Don't you think I was too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so? 

I added this to my note.

You never initiate us hanging out and you don't want anyone to know we're hanging out and it makes me feel like I'm intruding and then when I go to leave you say bullshit like, "Duke's going to miss you". Like am I that fucking terrible that you don't want anyone to know? It'd be one thing if we were sleeping together and you didn't want your staff to know but at this point it makes me question my self worth, like something's wrong with me and I have nothing to be ashamed of as a person. 

It didn't have to be this way.

Your emotional polarity is exhausting. I never know which side of you I'm going to get. For a year and a half I've been playing along with your incessant mind games and it's not fair to me. I lack complete understanding of what you want from me because it changes every 30 seconds. It's a game to you and l am not a game. Even in the last week, you couldn't just ask why I was upset with you. You had to be more stubborn, you couldn't concede that you might actually not be perfect.  Cool, your prize is losing someone who genuinely cares about you.  

I'm grateful for what you've done for me. You taught me to value myself but unfortunately for you by doing so it's going to cost you me because I don't feel valued by you at all. I deserve to be valued. I am a good person, in fact a great person with such a multitude to offer the world and I have done nothing but try to be here for you the entire time. I've tried to absorb your mood swings and adjust my actions to your emotions on any given day.  I was too stupid to even realize how much you were using me and playing with my head. I recognize it's partially my fault for being so naive and giving too much and rationalizing your behaviour every single time. That stops now. I have enabled your behaviour for too long. I will do my job and the required responsibilities that accompany it. Stroking your ego is not in my job description. It really sucks because I would've done anything for you but you took advantage of that so polite cordiality is the extent of this relationship. 

This is the draft of writing I've written to him to explain myself. Not that he deserves an explanation but I need to release it. I don't know when or if I'll send it but I need to formulate my words because I want him to understand how much he hurt me for no reason at all. It didn't have to be this way. 

Heart's break.

I'm sitting in my vehicle, fighting back tears outside the gym because I don't want to lose him. I so badly want him to fight for it because I can't be the only one fighting for it. 

Awkward.

It's so awkward. We are so awkward. Today he came back to get something and literally walked in the front door as I was walking by and I didn't say anything. So neither did he. It was so awkward. I walked away to do something and passed him twice and he just got his stuff and left. 

It kills me he hasn't asked what's wrong or why I'm upset with him. But I think he knows it kills me and that's why he hasn't. He's stubborn. He likes to win and to be in control. I would bet he thinks I'll be over it in a few days and we'lol be back to normal. But it can't be like that this time. I can't let it. I have to be strong. It's devastating. It's heartbreaking. I hate it. I miss Duke. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss it all. 

Tonight the only words I spoke to him were, "may I get a latte with baileys?" And "thanks".  That's it. That's where we are. I despise it. 

I can't believe I didn't post this before.

Cold, hard truth.

The idea of losing J is devastating to me. It's honestly atrocious and I dread it. But I still feel like I'll be okay. Whether it's J or anyone else. And I have him to be thankful for that. 

Steve Toltz

"The past is always the worst thing happening to the present at any given time." 

What's the point of all this? What's the lesson.

I hate how fucking well he knows me. All these stupid books he chose for me. And I hate that he specifically asked me if this book reminded me of him.  I'm actually laughing out loud as I read, "I needed any doctor, just as long as he wasn't too fat (one must be as suspicious of obese doctors as of bald hairdressers)". 

The words you need to hear will always find you.

You'll always be my favourite love, even if this is where it ends.

A fraction of the whole.

It's taking everything inside of me not to text him right now and ask, "why the fuck did you choose this book for me?! Was it your goal to have me read about you and how you function as a human?" 

What do I do.

I am so torn. 

Have a little fun for once.

What's the age difference limit for a girl? I mean how old is not creepy?

Who cares? He's a babe and I am satisfied.

Backfired.

He is so frustrating. He's so oblivious. I literally texted him, "your coffee awaits you." And he texted me back, "Thanks! I owe you!"
Are you kidding? Not even for a second was he like where are you or why aren't you watching the game here. He texted me about the game and I just never answered. I'm dreading work tonight because I have to stand up for myself. I can't just laugh and be happy because I'm not. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. He is exhausting. His incessant mood swings are and complete lack of thought about anyone else are killing me.

This is without a doubt one of the funniest most ironic things I've ever seen.

All or nothing.

I'm so emotional. I have no idea why. I'm sitting in bed reading and enjoying a coffee and I glanced over and saw the canvas my sister painted for me. 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." 

I don't know why I'm so emotional. I don't feel strong lately. In fact, I feel just the opposite. As I think about all the people I know in relationships and getting married, I feel incredibly lonely. And I think my problem is not that I am dying to be in a relationship. My issue is that I just want to know that it's going somewhere with J. I want to know that it's not all wasted. And I can justify all the things he does wrong and rationalize the behaviour that hurts me because I care about him and I want it to work. At the same time, I'm a pretty big believer in not abandoning something or someone when they do something wrong because it's important to me not to forget all of the things they've done right. And he has done a lot of things right for me. And I'd be lying to say that he hasn't put up with some of my wrongs. 

It just feels like it's so easy for everyone else. Relationships, dating, even hooking up with people seems so much easier for everyone else. Now that's probably partially a delusion but I genuinely just think in part that it's unique to me. I feel everything so deeply or not at all. jay Blue, recently divorced 44 year old. No feelings. None. It was fun and I am young and on vacation and have nothing to feel guilty about. But I think about sunshine or number twelve or J and it's just so deep. Every encounter with them penetrates the deepest cave inside my heart and I don't know how to combat that. How to protect myself from that. I am an all or nothing person. Absolutely all of me or absolutely none of me. And that's a dangerous way to live life. 

I've been encouraged so much to do something about J. Say something or back away gracefully now before it explodes. And I don't feel strong because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I lack the courage to do either of those things. If im honest, I'm afraid I'll lose him completely. And I think right now even though I realize that he doesn't always treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, I'd prefer to put up with that, than to not have him at all. 

Heavy.

I had a tough night last night. I was sober. Like really sober and hard thinking.  Last night I said I was going to Canmore on Saturday and he's like are you partying? And I'm like what difference does it make to you. And he's like are you? And I was like no why. He's like well I was going to encourage you to bring a helmet... Maybe some elbow pads. 

And granted it was a good joke and M and him laughed. I'm just I don't know. 

I had told him minutes before that I hate that he's seen me like that and it felt like a very personal attack after just confiding that I'm already clearly upset and embarrassed about the situation. And I know he didn't mean anything by it, I know. 

But I think on Sunday I'm going to prove a point. When we were talking about Community Shield he's like yeah, We can watch it if you get over your hate for me by then, I guess. So I was like you guess? Don't act like you aren't getting a coffee out of it. AND the pleasure of my company. And he said, "hahaha coffee sounds nice". 

So I'm going to drop a coffee at his house, get in my vehicle then just say door but leave. I'm not going to watch the game with him as I have the channel for it. I'm just going to drop his coffee off and when he asks why I'm leaving I'm going to say well you only requested coffee so that's what you get. It will suck because I have to work that night and Monday and I'd rather not see him after but at the same time it's like fuck you. And he's probably going to be like are you mad. And I'm not mad. I'm exhausted. Trying to balance and absorb his highs and lows is absolutely exhausting. I never know what version of him I'm going to get. 

I've still got a lot of fight left in me.

"This is my fight song, 

take back my life song.

Prove I'm alright song.

My power's turned on 

Starting now I'll be strong. "

Stupid girl.

So how did it go taking a step back from J? IT DIDN'T. Instead, I stayed at his house last night. I am so fucking stupid. I know that I am stupid. It doesn't change that he melted my heart this morning.

 

It melts my heart that he did that. That he did the pillow and blanket thing. It's those things that kill me. When I got there last night I said I wanted a pair of socks and he said okay, go get some you know where they are. This morning Duke didn't want me to leave and I just wanted to cuddle Duke all day long. 

My favourite prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage, to change the things I can. And wisdom, to know the difference. 

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can.

I hope that when the moment presents itself, I have the courage to say, "I think you take me for granted. Personally. And professionally." 

From Cabo somewhere.

I was kind of bitter to S last night about J. And I know I shouldn't have been but I just feel like, I don't know. I guess there's still a part of me that wants to look J square in the face and say what exactly do you want from me? What is this? Why?
I guess I just don't really understand or know where his head is at. I mean realistically, there's chemistry. It would be silly to say that there isn't. It's clear that we care about one another.
But I think there's a sense of hesitancy on both sides despite a recognition of mutual feelings outside of friendship. I think it's so difficult.

DILF.

So I may or may not have hooked up with a 44 year old man in Cabo. It was pretty fun if I do say so myself. He was really attractive but very clingy. His life is in shambles post-divorce, in a relationship with a married woman. I think he's lonely and needed someone and I just wanted to fulfill the hot dad category on the bucket list.

Ugh.

He frustrates me because I'm pretty sure he went on a date tonight. Then when I got there he was awkward beyond belief and then tonight when I asked him about Galapagos, he started texting me about tomorrow morning and if I'd be up watching the boys.

How the tables have turned.

Today was fucked. Number twelve came and brought me a coffee this morning and I think it was the most satisfying thing in the world for me and the most earth shattering thing in the world for him.

Torn.

I am so incredibly torn right now. I cannot decide whether or not I want to absolutely experience Galapagos and allow my sister's ideas to guide my trip or to maybe pull back a little bit and save some of the money for a down payment.
I am so torn. I texted J and said, "do you think I should be a responsible adult and invest in my future or take full advantage of the blessing of my trip and the experience as an investment in the soul? I am incredibly torn. "
He texted back, "travelling is the only thing I don't feel guilty about spending money on... but money in the bank is nice too. So I'm no help."
I was like yeah that was not helpful and sent him a picture of Ozil to show him my disapproval of his response. I am a highly indecisive, overly analytical human being so as I explained to him, this trip has become more about what my sister wants specifically than what I want. And it's not that I don't want it, it's that I am less assertive than her. I told her to tell me what she'd like to do and she did. And honestly, it all sounds wonderful. And they've booked the trip based on that and it's really very incredible and I'm so excited. If there is anyone in the world I don't mind spending money on, it's her.
There's a part of me though that looks at it and wonders, should I spend this money on the trip or on my future. I could cut out some stuff and probably spend much of the money saving for a house or going to an Arsenal game.
At the same time, a part of me is thinking you're not spending it all so you already have more than before... enjoy the experience.
Thoughts?

Look Who's Back.

"In retrospect, perhaps using golden swastikas as tree decorations was a touch excessive".
- Timur Vermes

FUCKING EXCITED

I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO GALAPAGOS!

Love this book.

"Are you swift as a greyhound? Tough as leather? Are you hard as steel?" 

"I...."

"No, you are not. You are as slow as a snail, as fragile as an old man's bones, and soft as butter". 

Anomaly.

We are just a whole new level of fucked up. Or maybe we are so normal that it's mind blowing. Or both. Or neither. 

Last night I talked to him most of the night at ME's birthday in the party bus. Then today they celebrated his birthday in his family even though it was 2 weeks ago. So we spoke the other day about me working out there tonight because the gym would be closed and I thought he'd be working. So last night he told me it was still good for me to come there but I felt bad in case I was interrupting his day off. And he said no it's no problem. So I went there and worked out and played with Duke while he was upstairs building his bed and it is just so normal. He's not like do you need anything he just let me in and asked me about my day then we did our stuff then when I was done he comes down to talk to me. I don't know anyone else in the world with this type of relationship. I said thank you and that I like working out at his house once a week because I do different workouts than I would at the gym and he's like okay whenever you want!

He showed me his birthday presents and joked with me about Ozil. It's just so normal. And that's what makes it not normal because we're not in a relationship. But if we were, I don't think much would change other than sexually and perhaps we would hang out a little more but it wouldn't be all that different in terms of what he does for me or what I do for him.  

This is how he gets me every single time.

A girl can dream, right?

So yesterday I was getting ready to leave and he said, "AUGUST 8!!!" And I said, August 8th what?" 

He said, "8am my house. Arsenal party! West Ham." 

When I told him I was away for a wedding that day he said well now I have to go downtown. 

So was it really an Arsenal party or was t just you and me going to watch the game and you're planning it a month in advance? 

It's stuff like that that I don't understand. Like he literally thinks of future plans with me. He invites me to things he knows I can't say no to. I lack so much understanding about him. 

Lately though, I've been thinking about him in a very different manner. I had kind of shut off my physical attraction to him. Not entirely of course because that's impossible. But in the sense that I never really allowed myself to go there. I wasn't like thinking about how attractive I found him anymore because I had put all thoughts about the possibility of us at the back of my mind. More and more lately I'm letting them permeate. It's silly really how different it's been and the ridiculous conversations I make up in my head as to how to go about it and where to go from here. 

In fact this morning I thought, perhaps I just work out only in my sports bra tonight then hope he just comes down and drunkenly finds me irresistible and takes advantage of me because I'm sure he will have indulged during his birthday celebration prior to my arrival.

He kills me with this.

Ridiculous.

I think the hardest thing with him is he is so hot and cold. Like last night I never really spoke to him much until the end of the night because it was busy and I was basically bartending. And as much as I appreciate that he trusts me enough to rely on me in instances like that it's still frustrating because it's like okay but you just expect me to do more but I don't really get anything out of it. And I keep praying that he'll make it up to me at some point but at the same time it's still frustrating. I mean I literally bartended/ran food/ helped other people for most of the night last night after getting absolutely crushed all afternoon.
But then he was showing me videos of Dukey and I asked if I could workout there Sunday and he's like of course!
Last night when I got home I sent him a video of a bulldog in a child's swing which led us to a discussion of underducks and and him enlightening me on some sexual meaning of underducks AND I told him that he was like Christian Grey ahahahaha. I told him I always wondered if there was a sex chamber behind his mirror. He said there is not.

Shot to the heart.

JPB.

The other day S asked me if I want to be with him. She made me realize that I've been a bit blind to his side of this situation and she thinks the ball is in my court. I don't know if she's right but both S and ME asked me in the same day, do you want to be with him? 

My first thought is well I don't want to be with anyone else. I think I've spent so long pushing those feelings away for numerous reasons especially fear but if I'm really honest, yes I do. I want to be with him. It is always about him because I want it to be him. 

Wise.

It's okay that you chose her, we always choose the wrong person for ourselves. After all, I chose you.

Sobering.

It's literally never even occurred to me that I might be the reason we aren't together.

A new perspective.

I don't know if I've ever fully understood something number 12 said to be years ago until just moments ago. I remember bawling one night. I was heartbroken because he said I can't be with you. You just don't get it. I don't want to be with anyone else. If I were going to be with someone, it would be you. And I didn't. Not until now.
Do you think it's possible to not want to be with anyone else but to be unready to be with someone? I wonder if all this time, I've been the problem in the J situation. Am I the one sending mixed signals? Am I the one in between us? Keeping him at arm's length?

Look who's back!

I'm reading this book of his about Hitler and it's absolutely ridiculous. It is hilarious! He is Hitler in this book. The entire sense of humor epitomizes him. I think it is so funny and it reminds me so must of his disgust for sillyness. He told me it was silly but this is even sillier than I thought.
I told him yesterday he's more like Hitler than I thought and he said, I'll take that as a major compliment!

Frustration.

So tonight he comes into work with my Arsenal kit and my contacts and he's like look! I brought you presents! I was so happy because he bought me a Koscielny jersey for taking care of Dukey and then he picked up my contacts because they wouldn't leave them outside his house annoyingly.
Then he started talking about sleeping with B right in front of me and it just deflated me a little. I really could care less that he's sleeping with her like I'm well aware that he does and he doesn't owe me an explanation but I don't want to hear about it.
So whatever he was pissing me off and wouldn't let me leave and it is so frustrating because sometimes I swear he does it to annoy me. My sister thinks it's because he wants to spend time with me but who knows. So I was mostly annoyed because it was so slow they didn't need me and I wanted to go to the gym. Hes like nope your closing then you have to go walk Duke. So finally when I leaving he's like bye and I'm like why are you saying bye I'm going to your house to use your gym now because mine is closed. And he's like okay! I'm like for real? He's like yes! Go! Duke will love it! Feed him when you get there, here's my keys! I'm like okay because as annoyed of him as I was, I wanted to work out. So I did and like 20 minutes in he sends me this picture with the caption, "he hasn't moved since you went down there". Which I mean, how adorable is that for him to a) notice and b) tell me.
So whatever I work out and when I came upstairs he's like want some wine?! I was like nope not after that.
So then I just sat and played with Duke for like an hour and we talked and playef and whatever. And he's so frustrating, halfway through he's like, I'm sorry I'm so rude facing the other way and turns towards me to talk.
So as I'm getting ready to leave he says, Duke is sad that you're leaving!
Like what the fuck. You can't just say shit like that. My sister is convinced he's trying to hit on me with that sort of stuff using Duke and letting me come work out, offering me wine etc. But I don't honestly know what to think. I have no idea what goes through his brain. He is so confusing and hot and cold and I just don't know what he wants or why he is the way he is.

Great novels. Great human.

I'm looking forward to Mexico for the break. But I'm also looking forward to a break from him. I think it will be good for me. My fear though, is that the stupid books he chose will remind me of him every single day.
I started reading one last night and he's like it's absolutely ridiculous but it's so funny. And I was like okay. So I started reading it, and it is HILARIOUS. I was laughing out loud often. But it reminds me of him because it is his sense of humour. It is exactly how he would act in the character's situation, in fact, he reminds me greatly of the protagonist.
I fear that each of the novels he's given me are exactly him because they are his favourites and thus it will be like reading about him every day. And I don't know if I want that.

silly boy.

It's like the silliest things. I mean after I went and saw Dukey yesterday afternoon, I stopped and dropped off something for the post office for him on my way downtown. I was laughing because he's like really you trust me with this? And I'm like ya you're great thanks. And he literally tosses it at me like he's throwing it in the garbage and cackles at me. I was like seee yaaaaa and walked away to nearly eat shit in my high heels. Like he is so silly and childish but it is refreshing because he isn't immature like an 18 year old male.

I was talking about my nephew to a girl the other day and I'm like ya he acts like he's 7. He can say his ABCs and count to 20. And another girl walks up and says, who? J?
I nearly died. He laughed when I told him too because it was so funny.

No words.

New books. See ya social life.

Kindness versus weakness.

Sophia Bush.

Still surprises me.

You know, it's funny. It never ceases to amaze me how intrigued I am just listening to him speak. Today we got on the subject of divorce and he was very interesting. I said I felt bad for this girl and he's like why. And I'm like I don't know, that's got to be pretty tough.
And he was just so blatantly like I don't. It's pretty fast. I don't believe in divorce. You made a vow, stick it out. There's a select few situations that warrant divorce but 90 percent are because people just don't want to work through their problems.

I like when he talks about stuff like that. I like when he shows me that side of him. He's so full of shit 90 percent of the time that I really value when he talks about real things.

NEAT

I'm looking at Galapagos travel and SO EXCITED now.

Silly girl.

I think I'm skinnier than I think.

It's okay to want this too.

Always remember you have yourself. That's enough.

This.

And so it begins.

I am sooo tired. My sales went from like 350 to almost 1800 after everyone was cut. My poor feet are so tired and I am so unbelievably grateful that J moved my jeep close for me so I didn't have to walk all the way to it.
I can tell it's going to be a QUICK transition back to last summer. Tonight was a 5pm-1am kind of night even though tomorrow is going to be like an 11am to 8 or 9pm kind of day. But it's good. I want the money. I got so fucked from the stupid school board paying me out all at once.

Goof.

He's so stupid. After I left on Thursday night, he went out with his friends. So on Friday morning he was like can I drive your jeep? I left my car at work. And I was like of course.
So last night I was like hung today or what? And he's like not just today, always. Oh, you mean hungover?
Haha the funny thing is I KNOW he is hung because I can see it when we're in the office and he's wearing his dress pants. S and I have talked about it before and it just makes me laugh how stupid he is.

Thank fucking GOSH.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY OUR TRIP IS BOOOOKKEEDDDD. I cannot wait to lay on a beach for 7 days and not be interrupted by anyone.

So much to do.

I am fucking EXHAUSTED.

My love.

He's been so funny lately. Like Monday when I was there was nice and he told me to visit Dukey more. Then tonight he was in a great  mood playing around, smacking my hand and calling me, "my love".

Interesting thoughts.

Again tonight he says to me, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BEDROOM YET?!?!

I have wine.

I know I'm overthinking it. I KNOW I AM. But I honestly have no idea what J wants from me. I don't know what he sees us as. We talked about some stuff tonight and like a girl from work called him while I was there so he kind of told me about the situation because obviously I was right there and knew a good portion of it already. And then after I left he texted me like please don't say anything to ANYONE about that. I know what girls are like and I don't need to get involved in that.
And I was like sooo I should take the Facebook post down then eh?
And he's just like ha, clearly unimpressed with my joke but he has MADE that joke before when I've asked him not to say something to someone about something him and I have spoken about.
I was like look, don't take this the wrong way because it has no reflection on you but I try to minimize speaking about any interactions I have with you outside of work with anyone from work because I know what girls are like and I don't need the headache.
And he's like Yes, good.
And I know he's probably thinking about it the same way I am but sometimes it's like are you ashamed that you and I hang out? Like do you not want people to know because of what they might say or because you like to keep me at a certain distance and other people knowing would impede on that.
But at the same time like why would he be like "you can come over, Duke will love it, I have wine!" if he didn't want to hang out. Like you are dangling two of my favourite things in my face, you clearly know that I'm going to come over.
And like I know that he talks to JB but I wish that he wasn't texting her while I was there. And I know they have a different relationship but still. It's things like that that just make me feel like one of his bitches. Flavour of the week. Or in his case, flavour of the night.

Aka-awkward.

ALSO, THE MOST AWKWARD THING HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT.
So I'm on the patio serving  table and I turn around and C (M aka Court's best friend) is there so I of course say hello. So I talk to him for a second and he's like I'm so glad I saw you, it totally reminded me to invite M!
And I like awkwardly giggled like uhhh hah I'm glad I remind you of him or something awkward and b-lined inside.
Like really, that's what you just said out loud. Hey B, I know it's not awkward for you at all that you slept with my best friend on the first date and he's now dating another girl who works for your employers BUT you remind me of him so I'm going to remind you of your interaction with him.

We have a relationship based on Dukey.

Crisis averted, I think.

Okay so I was really concerned about asking J to Galapagos. Crisis averted. (Kind of).
My sister is going to come now and honestly I KNOW we will have an EPIC time so I am SO happy. But if I'm honest, a little piece of me wanted to ask J. A piece of me wanted it to be him. A piece of me wanted to know what would happen because it would solidify things one way or the other. I think that's the hardest part sometimes and that would've been very telling.
Needless to say I am BEYOND excited to go with my sister, it's still SO surreal.

I must admit, it's pretty nice.

He's been so silly lately. He's been so much more like he used to be.

Baffled.

Can we talk about how fucking bipolar that man is?

Followed by such an empty threat.

Pretty adorable thing to say.

Late night thoughts.

Is happiness real or is it an illusion?
Is love real or is it an allusion?
What is love? Do soul mates exist?
Are people in relationships really always happy?
Are single people missing out?
Can you be successful in life and a relationship?

Thank you.

It's unbelievable how a single random act of kindness in the morning can change your whole outlook on the day.

Isn't that the truth