I think love ruins everyone.

"Maybe.. You'll fall in love with me all over again." 

"Hell," I said, "I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?" 

"Yes. I want to ruin you."

"Good," I said, "that's what I want too." 

-Ernest Hemingway 

So much for being fearless.

I have been thinking about BH so much it's actually kind of pathetic. I barely even know him at all. We've never had a full blown conversation. It seems ridiculous, I know. But every time I think about him I get butterflies. When I see him I get butterflies. When he speaks to me, I'm speechless. He just is e an attractive person and not just in the sense he's good looking. He just has one of those silly and fun personalities that draws you to him. He looks genuinely happy all the time. 

You know how you just connect with some people? You just meet some people and know you're going to get along. That's how I feel when I speak to him. I feel like we would just get along well. He is the type of person I need in my life to calm me down and reduce my overly-analytical brain to just having fun sometimes. Everyone told me just to go for it but I can't because I don't work like that. I'm afraid.

I know how silly this sounds because I'm basically building a relationship for the two of us in my head. I'm crazy, I know. I've just kind of always been like this. When I know I want something like this I just know. I cannot explain it or put it into words. I simply feel how I feel. 

He made me forget about number twelve the way number twelve made me forget about sunshine. And that's a bad way to go from boy to boy and I know that. But my heart and my head feel differently. My heart holds onto boys even when they're not in my life. 

It is imperative that I find a new man. I need to move on. I know I do and I want to. And I partially thought that I had. Emotionally, MV was a lifesaver. He's basically been my wife the last 4 months and it was easy to not think about number twelve because I was with him all the time and we did stuff together all the time. We talked all the time when we weren't together.  He's safe. He's safe because there's a love in friendship but no feelings of attraction there. It was easy because it was a cop out. Now I'm gone. Now I don't know what to do. 

Comig home I had to face my feelings about number twelve. They're still there, I just buried them deep down into a part of me I didn't have to think about. But they're surfaced, they're here. Now what? 

Fear will destroy you.

My sister said to me, "you're not really open to a new relationship though and until you open yourself up to one it won't happen".  She has a point. I want to be open to new boys. I'm trying to be open to a new relationship but I'm scared. Terrified actually. She said "ya but you can't be scared. Being scared affects a lot". And she's right it does affect a lot. I just don't want to feel like that again. I was so broken and sad for so long and I never want to feel that way again. I know I shouldn't be scared I just don't really know what to do. I don't know how to move past the fear. 

Tinder.

Tinder is actually a ridiculous app but I can't lie, I love the attention. I love when it says I have a match especially immediately  after I like someone else. It is a shallow self confidence booster. 

Absolutely pathetic.

I'm sitting here another night, wishing I had someone next to me. 

This is how I feel today.

The three of you should be ashamed. You can never take it back.

JS and JS were both at post time tonight. It's really difficult for me to see them. I really hate it actually because I just want to ask them what makes them justify not attending their own father's funeral. I was there and my dad was there and I think I only met him once or twice. I knew what it meant to ME, her mom and her grandmother to be there so of course I went. I just remember being so taken aback because I cannot comprehend anything that could happen in my life where I wouldn't have the integrity and morals period to attend one of my parent's funerals. I mean I get things go wrong and people make choices and I don't honestly know the whole story. What I do know is that it's bad enough you're not in his life period when you know he's sick enough to die and his illness is terminal; it's disgusting to me that you couldn't even attend his funeral. It's embarrassing that you don't have enough courage to do the right thing. It really doesn't matter what happened before, what matters now is that you can never take it back. You can never fix it. You could've ended it on respectful terms but you couldn't even show up. It makes me sick. Especially knowing how S and M treated you. It breaks my heart.

DK.

Tonight when I first approached DK he was kind of standoffish. At least, it seemed like that to me. S was there and I don't know what that sitch is and maybe he was like jealous or being immature or something. But it was weird because when I was leaving I went to say goodbye to him. And when I did, he gave me another hug and he was like bye, I love you B. And I was kind of like pardon. And he's like I love you. And I was just kind of surprised because I barely ever see him anymore and I think sometimes he realizes that I'm the type of person he wants to have more of in his life. I think he so badly wants to grow up but he's torn because his friends aren't there yet. And he, with them are all so good at being immature little assholes that party too hard. I hope he finds what he's looking for soon.

I need a nice boy.

I'd just like to say that I think CN is like one of the sexiest people I've ever met in my life. Like he is a beautiful man. I always notice him. I was actually blown away a bit that he approached me to talk tonight. He's such a nice guy. I don't know what he's up to in life other than he lives in Kelowna but he's beautiful and he gave me like 3 hugs tonight and he's a really nice guy.

I feel sooo much better.

ahhhhh I love the gym so much.

Scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.

I know it seems silly and immature and whatever but a piece of me is pretty sad he never said Merry Christmas. I know, I asked for this. I wanted it. I never said it to him. I suppose a piece of me just hoped that he would reach out this time. This is the first Christmas in years that we haven't spoken. Even on the worst days, we still said Merry Christmas.
I drove by his house on my way home tonight. It's difficult for me because I know Christmas is here for them this year. I know that he's home and probably not for very long. I'm selfish because I want him to be thinking about me. I want him to fight for me. And he didn't. He is doing nothing to be with me. And I deserve more than that.
I always think of him. I think about how his school is and how his family is and how his life is. I wonder if he's happy, if he likes school, if he's made good friends. I want to know him still. I know that I can't. I know it. I can logically think about all the reasons why I cannot reach out for him. My completely irrational heart doesn't understand. My heart is saying you're always going to love him. My head is trying to tell my heart that it has to step in because  my hurt keeps getting broken. Over and over and it hurts my whole body; it has to stop.
Before I came home, I was nervous. I didn't know what I wanted. I was terrified to run into him because I didn't know how I would react. I didn't know if I would be happy to see him knowing how hard it'd be on my heart. I didn't know if I would be angry to think about how little he fought. I didn't know if I wanted to casually run into him or if I wanted him to call. I just didn't know what I wanted.
And now I don't know what I wanted really or what I want, but I know that I'm a little sad he didn't say Merry Christmas. I'm a little sad that Christmas is over and the chance is gone.

You say you've hid your heart up on a shelf.

I just want to meet a nice boy. I saw KH tonight and I should've pursued that when I had the chance. I mean my reasons for not were valid. On top of the whole number twelve mess and not being ready for a relationship, he wants to settle down and get married and have kids. And I'm not really there just yet, and I especially was not there a year ago. I want to settle down with a boy though. My life is about to change drastically and it'd be nice to meet someone who is willing to live a similar lifestyle because I'm not going to be going out partying all the time anymore or drinking on Sundays. I have to grow up and be an adult.
KH is a very nice boy. He's the type of boy you marry. To this day, he still calls me dear every time he sees me. He came and gave me a big hug when he got there tonight and before he left. He's polite and kind and responsible but he is also fun and sometimes irresponsible and full of chirps.
He's found a nice girl. I met her tonight and I already like her. She is social and full of comments and just seems good for him. He looks so incredibly happy when he looks at her. And I am so happy for him because he has wanted this for a long time.
None of that changes the fact that I want to meet a nice boy. I have always been under the impression that you'll find the right person when you stop looking. I'm not looking per se but I'm not opposed to men anymore either. For a very long time I kept my heart locked away. I wasn't ready to deal with everything with number twelve let alone any other boy at that point. I'm ready now, I think. I want to experience life with a different man. I want to see if my love for number twelve is as real as I think it is or if I was just young and naive.

I'm trying to get through the day after you.

You didn't give me a reason but I didn't really need one.

Devastating blow, worthy opponent.

My niece informed me last night that I'm no longer her best friend. Her new best friend is PP. At least if she's going to choose someone else, I'm happy she has good taste. I mean, he's a beautiful, tall, jacked NHL player who's actually a nice guy. It doesn't get much better than that. 

All I want for Christmas is you.

love is just love.

You know, I talk about marrying a rich man who can provide me with the forty thousand dollar engagement ring and I can live a high class life that is high profile and extravagant. But I think if I found a man that made me feel special every single day and he loved everything about me, I'd be okay. I'd be okay if I had to wear my Claddaugh ring as my wedding ring for the rest of my life as long as I had a good marriage; as long we love with a love that is more than love.

Always torn.

You know what's really weird? I feel okay. I mean I feel great. I'm okay. I am happy. I don't feel broken. I thought it would have been a phase, you know, like all the other times. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm nervous because I have a lot of really big changes all at once going on right now but I feel pretty good about life. I am excited for the new year. I sure hope 2014 is better than 2013. It's weird though. With 2013 I had a lot of terrible things happen, I lost a lot of people I loved and have faced some tribulations that are extremely tough. At the same time, I've become close with some of the most wonderful people. I've built some incredible friendships. I've had FUN which is saying something for me. I am proud of myself for how far I've come this year.
I mean at the beginning of this year, even three or four months ago, I would've said I'm going to get back with number twelve eventually. Now, I'm not so sure. I love him and I know that I always will. This time, I can say that I really do expect a lot more if we were ever going to be together again. I deserve more and so does he. We would both have to really put an incredible amount of effort in and we would have to be kinder to one another and commit. That's probably the hardest part for both of us: commitment.
I am not set on it though. I'm open to meeting new people and building new relationships. I haven't felt like this in six years. That's an incredible amount of time. I am actually just really happy right now. A piece of me is afraid for him to be home at Christmas. A tiny part of me hopes to see him out and about so that I know if I'm really over it or if it's just easy because I haven't seen or spoke to him. Another part of me prays I don't see him in the case that I can't handle it and I fall apart again.
I feel good and strong and happy. And I want to stay that way. I choose to stay that way.

Too pretty for your own good.

I'm honestly so embarrassing. I don't get giddy or nervous about boys like ever. Tonight BH came into Mox and literally like 30 seconds after he got there R is like B, BH is here for a Christmas Party and I was like is he wearing a suit and he's like yep he looks good. Then I saw him and I'm like drooling and I go to one of my tables and AD and TT literally stood at the wine tree and waited to tell me he was there. He went to the bathroom and as he walked up the stairs I was staring at him (OBVIOUSLY) and I literally walked into the fireplace. Like how embarrassing is that. Then I walk into the kitchen and KG is like your boyfriend is here. And I was like I KNOW I JUST WALKED INTO THE FUCKING FIREPLACE.
All in all everyone had a good laugh about it. But actually, why is he so beautiful.

Heart officially melted.

Last night I was serving this really nice family and the little girl whispered something so I said pardon me? And she said it really quietly again and so I was like I'm sorry I can't hear you sweetie. And her mom said, "you're really pretty". And I almost died, my heart just melted. You know those days when you just really need a nice compliment? Hearing something like that from a little girl is so nice. Made my whole day. 

Could've called that 4 years ago.

HJR just texted me. Apparently sofaking lost his licence, presumably for a DUI considering he is selling his truck. I am not surprised in the slightest. 

I hate him. I wish that I didn't care either way but I do. I don't want to care about someone who can treat people the way he treated me. It's who I am. Hopefully this helps him to realize his behaviours are dangerous. And hopefully he figures out what will make him happy in life. I want him to be successful and find what he wants out of life. 

I wish that I didn't care though. 

I love Tim.

Nashville wouldn't be Nashville, without you.

library thoughts.

Honestly, this is so rude but I don't understand how I am single sometimes. Like I know, I have standards but still. I see all these people in relationships and I'm like if someone loves you, how is it possible that no one loves me? But actually I don't think I'm a completely revolting human being so what the fuck.

Probably should stop going to Hudson's.

It's actually kind of pathetic how much I adore this boy. His smile makes me melt. Like actually. He is so beautiful. Yesterday  AD showed me a picture of him from a wedding they went to and he was all dressed up in a suit and I was like ohhh my gosh in love. And on Friday when we got to Hudson's he looked at me smiled and pointed with an overt heeeeyyyyyyy! And I was like oh my gosh I'm going to melt. I've never even had a real conversation with him like come on stop being a giddy school girl. He just makes you feel special. I can't explain it further. He looks at you like he's looking right down into your soul. 

Reflection.

I just read an article about suicide. It's crazy you know, how someone can be in that place. I suppose for me it's harder to understand that I was in that place. I have attempted suicide and I think what is difficult for me now is accepting that I was once so immature and cowardly to let myself get to that place when there are so many resources for feeling that way. I'm grateful that I was unsuccessful. I am so happy to have lived and loved and to feel the way that I do about the beauty of life. 

Where do you go when you're lonely?

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

He'd probably say it's alright and hold me while my tears pour.

He's got the kind of heart that any girl would die for,
so how could I want more?

And I think he knows it too.

And I think that's why time and time again I revert back to him. I love him. I always will. I think on some level I think that I love that he loves me and that's not fair. 

The Sun Also Rises.

This is hard for me to think about and hard for me to admit especially out loud to anyone. Sofaking and KM are still together and it bothers me. I'm jealous. Not jealous that she's with him and I'm not, jealous that they're in a relationship and number twelve and I are not. And in my head I can rationalize all of it you know? I know that there relationship is built on different things than number twelve and mine. I know that number twelve and I had some pretty honest conversations about it. Something tells me KM and sofaking haven't. Something tells me they just pretend I don't exist and none of that situation ever happened. 

But it did happen. It happened to me. I was a part of it. I made bad choices and there were bad consequences for me. And while yes I see the assault portion from another view and it doesn't always resonate that that happened to me instead of someone else, I consciously know that it was me. I was the one that ended up in the hospital with a police officer and a doctor humiliating me. And I'm the one that lost the boy I love. And the friend I truly cared about. 

And I know I'm better off right? I'm supposed to tell myself that sofaking lost me as a friend and number twelve lost me as a girlfriend and a friend. But at some point it's hard for me because I accepted what I did. I know that I made a choice and a bad one at that. And that's okay, I'm okay with that choice but sometimes it's just really not fair how it happened for me. 

I guess I just wonder if the choices I made a 18 years old are going to define the rest of my days. I know that I'm stronger than most people. It took me a long time to realize that but just because I'm strong doesn't mean I should always have to go through harder things. I mean it's petty and immature but I'm sad that I'm alone sometimes. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know. And I mean mom has cancer again and she's getting sicker and weaker and I don't know how I deal with that. She's my mom, she's my hero. She is stronger than I will ever be and you can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the strongest person you know lose their strength because it's out of their control unless you've lived it. And I want to be strong for her. I'm trying so hard because she has always been strong for me. 

And I think that's what I miss the most about number twelve. When I needed him to be strong for me, he was. He could hold me and it was like my strength came back. And sometimes now that's why I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to be strong for me. 

At some point I know that it's my own fault. I'm strong and independent and that's scary because I keep people out a lot of the times because I can convince myself that I don't need anyone. If I rely only on myself I can't get hurt. But if I only rely on myself I will always be alone. 

I see people in serious relationships and getting married and moving in together and I want that. And that sounds ridiculous I know and it's not like I'm like oh I want to be married and living with someone in 6 months. It's not like that at all, but I would like there to be someone that I could consider having a future with. Someone to just be here and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay even if it isn't. 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me. I feel like I'm never going to be enough for someone. That's how I feel. I know it's irrational and insecure and emotional but it's just how I feel.

It's always a little grey.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do. 

I want you.

Is it wrong that I want to fall in love again? I want to be in love. I want to have a companion. I want to have someone who sends me a morning message and calls me just to say good night. I miss that contact communication with someone, you know? I just want to feel loved like that again. It's not even that I'm lonely, I'm not. I just crave the physical closeness of a man.

Mcsteamy and Little Grey.

I like who I am.

I think it's easy to get tangled up in wishing and wanting things we don't have. I think because of where I am right now is why I'm okay. Don't get me wrong, I miss number twelve every day. And lately I have really felt like it'd be nice to have a boy around. I think, I'm actually ready to consider a new boy. And that is an incredible feat for me.
I also think that's why I'm less concerned about MH and BH. I think they're both beautiful but honestly, I like who I am. I'm content with who I am. I think that's why I wasn't really concerned to go back to Hudson's last night. A few months ago I would've been too embarrassed to go back there after he gave his number to SM the other night when she was talking me up. DICK. But I was just like fuck that buddy. I like who I am and if you don't too bad for you. I am not going to tip toe around and avoid going to places with my friends because of you.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I find as I get old I become more and more comfortable with who I am. I think that's a good thing. I am starting to like who I am. I've been fighting a battle of self-hatred for 22 years and I think it's time to practice some self love. Self-appreciation.

I want you to live.

Sometimes I think about BB. I can't believe his gone. His birthday is next week. I can't believe he's gone. It is just so mind blowing to me. Life is just short. We never know, we never know how much time we have.
I think about it sometimes. And it makes me think about why it's important to be a good person. It's important to live life. I think it's so annoying when people post all these live for the moment posts. I just want to actually live through the moment. I think that's what has made these last few months so incredible. I haven't slept as much as I should, I haven't been as healthy as I should. I haven't worked as hard as I should've in school. But I am happy and I'm having fun and I can honestly say I love my life right now.

I know I'm so fucked.

I am honestly so pathetic but I am still smiling about last night. It makes me feel incredible to have someone like MH hit on you. I have never ever been that girl and boys are just a really scary and uneasy thing for me. I'm friends with boys, I pick them up from the bar, I go to the gym with them, drink beers, watch sports. Boys don't ever hit on me. Like ever. And I think it's harmed my self esteem in away. I'm also not the pretty girl. Guys don't look at me ever and go "she's so hot," instead they go that girl can lay the throw down. In fact on Wednesday night I was talking with two boys and I said something and he's like yeah I bet you could beat the shit out of someone, and I was like why and he's I've seen you at the gym b. 

I am very very self conscious but I don't really show that. People just think I'm a judgemental bitch most of the time. But I'm not and my size has always been an issue for me. I'm not tiny and I'm never going to be tiny. In the last few months since I started working out with TH and following his resistance training program, I've started to see results.  And I love it. I feel so much better about myself. I know boys are looking at me and I just LOVE it. It's honestly pathetic. And that's why when someone like MH is giving me attention it literally makes me giddy an embarrassing amount. I slept so well last night. I went to bed happy and woke up happy despite my 6 hours of sleep. I need to feel like someone other than number twelve will be attracted to me, someone else might possibly fall in love with me someday. 

And I know how completely fucked up that must sound. But every other boy hat shows interest makes it my day a lttle easier without number twelve. And every boy makes me feel a little better about myself. And that's a really nice change for me. 

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I love him sooo much? Why is he so beautiful? 

Feeling pretty good tonight.

I'm sorry but when MH is sending you multiple winks and encouraging some things you melt a little inside. 

I'm thankful for good friends who remind me of my worth.

but actually I'm in love.

Dear BH,
I am actually like head over heels in love with you. Please have actually noticed me like I think at the gym last week. You are beautiful, kind, incredible at your job and I can't stop staring. The fact that you treat people as kind as you do and make everyone you speak to feel important is an admirable quality. I stare at you from afar often and hope to gain the courage to speak to you soon.
Sincerely,
BB.

Drives me crazy.

Also, pet peeve: when I can see you read my message and don't reply. Come on.

fuck.

Sometimes I'm an idiot when I'm drunk. Okay most of the time.

Love is timeless.

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch- it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance enlivens it, resonance calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins..."

This is from my favourite blog, doesn't post often but all the posts make me think.

http://universoul.tumblr.com/

I shall believe.

I think the only thing to say is I love you and one day everything will be okay. 

Someday I'll see you again.

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Would you?

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change just one thing about your life would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart, or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment, one moment that you've always wanted back?"

and we'll always be friends forever.

Goodbye may seem like forever, a farewell is like the end; but in my heart's a memory and there you'll always be.

Is it a fallacy?

Do you believe in true love? Or fate? Or the concept of a soulmate? Are any of those even real? Or are they just fictionalized portrayals of love created for girls to watch more movies. I sometimes wonder if true love exists. If we have a soulmate.
I am conflicted when I think about this because I think about someone like sunshine. We were literally so compatible in theory, but it practice it would never work. I loved him and I know that he loved me even if he never admits it out loud to anybody. And I'm okay with that because I learned so much from him about who I am from him. And I learned who I'm not. I have never gotten along with someone so well, even number twelve. He was probably the best friend I ever had at that point. I mean, as good of a friendship you can have in high school.
I think about the differences between number twelve and sunshine. And there are so many. I loved both of them so deeply, but so differently.
So I wonder, can you know that someone is meant for you? Is it possible to feel that? To know, without a seed of a doubt, that someone is perfect for you? I always thought I knew. Now, I'm not so sure what I think. I suppose I don't understand why you need to hurt, to know love. I don't understand why you have to take space to desire closeness. I needed those things but I cannot wrap my head around why.

Sometimes a little strength is all you need.

I started reading back over things I wrote about him four years ago. I don't know why exactly. Maybe to torture myself. Maybe to see that I am not the same person I was four years ago and neither is he. I think that's what is difficult for me. I always find myself reminiscing on what we used to be and how I used to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. But I'm okay. I haven't been this okay in a long time. I was pretty close to messaging him the other day and I'm glad that I didn't because I need to be strong on my own. I need to learn to be okay without him because every time things have gotten really hard in the last three years and I've felt like I'm going to break, I call him. And when I call him everything is okay but I relapse. Every single time.

No one can take your place.

And sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today. 

silly girl.

Weird day. Joined tinder. Hopefully I can find someone to shamelessly flirt with.

weird.

I'm a very disconnected person. And by that I mean, I disconnect myself. I choose to not let people close to me. When people get close to me I get afraid. Other people are so open and they tell me these details in their lives and I just don't always know how to deal with it because I am not like that.
I am a crazy person, honestly.
I spend time with people all the time and I love social interaction and being around people and working in the service industry. And then I just hit this wall where all that I want in my life is to be alone. I feel bad a little bit because JP has been trying to talk to me and so has my other roommate and I was honestly so close to just being like please fuck off. As kindly as possible leave me the fuck alone. I don't want the small talk about how was your day and work etc. I want to just spend five minutes alone.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I just need a hug. 

Is it over yet?

Tonight was just a very disappointing sad night. 

So sore.

First time doing hack squats you'd think I'd be smart enough to go easy on the weight. No no 45s on each side and 4 sets seems like a great idea. I can barely fucking walk today. Each step I make and even turning over in my bed is painful. F my life. 

Sex is the easy part.

How do you become a serial relationship enthusiast? I don't understand it. There are so many people who date person after person after person for extended periods of time each and I cannot wrap my head around it. Like the concept of getting into a relationship is daunting to me. After 6 years of on and off and the amount of myself I gave to number twelve in that time. I cannot imagine doing that 3 times to 3 different people in that six years. Officially, we've been broken up for 3 and a half years. When that happened and since then, the concept of another relationship scares the hell out of me. That is such a large piece of yourself to give someone. How do you split that between 3 or 4 or 6 people. It just blows me away completely.
It sounds awful to me. And maybe this is a product of my environment and my life and media and society and all the other things we blame on the world but I think giving your body away to someone is a lot easier that giving your heart and soul to someone. There are some choices I wish I hadn't have made drunk, choices that ultimately changed me in a way I could not foresee at the time. Giving someone your body is easy and can be done with just the wrong (or right depending how you view it) combination of substances. Giving someone your heart requires the conscious decision to be vulnerable. While I don't think loving someone is in our control, I absolutely think that allowing yourself to open up to someone completely, allowing someone to be able to break you is a much more personal and a much more difficult thing to do.

I can't say it out loud but fuck do I miss you.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to love him every day for the rest is my life. I'm okay with that but is there every going to be a day I don't miss him. 

Don't know if it really even matters to you.

I am a terrible selfish person. I sometimes think about horrible things. I sometimes wish that something bad would happen to me, you know like I'd get into a terrible accident just to see who would care, just to see if he would care. And I know it's stupid and selfish and ridiculous that it. But I can't help but think about it sometimes. I wonder if he was faced with really losing me forever if that'd change anything for him.

Exactly 4 years today.

I fucking hate the number twelve. It perpetuates my whole fucking life. November twelfth can s my d. Number twelve can stop breaking my heart any time now. 

The day you stop believing in love is the day you're wrong.

"To all the lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love."

-Lucas Scott  

I guess I'm wrong. 

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna be anything other than me. 

Conflicted.

I wish there was some incredible sign. Something that told you what you were meant to do in life. It would almost be simpler if things were the way they were in Lois Lowry's 'The Giver'. Everything is set out for you without your control. Your whole life is planned out for you: your career, your marriage, your children. It would be so much easier if someone just told me what to do in life. If someone said, look you haven't wasted the last five years of your life, one day your degrees will come in handy. 

I don't want to be a teacher. Every time Ithink  about it, I think about how unhappy I think I would be as a teacher. I don't hate it but I don't love it. I don't know what I love. Or who I love or what I want. 

Some day I'll be living in a big ol' city.

I'm kind of sad tonight for a number of reasons. Mom is gone. I came home but she's in Radium this weekend which really sucks. She left me wine and baileys and my favourite peanut butter squares thought just to make sure I knew she loves me.
Last night they retired BB's jersey in Medicine Hat. Their program has never retired a jersey before. It is just incredible to think about how many lives he truly touched.
Tonight I was lit up my the monsters. When I got home, JJ was so cute. He was all smiles and I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug. When I went to go to the bathroom I put him down and turned around to walk away and he started freaking out because he thought I was leaving. It honestly melted my heart.
When I went and saw S and W, they were watching Monsters University (great flick I might add) and S jumped into my arms and just like was so excited. W was cuddling his dad and he jumped off him and ran over to me. They both just sat in my chair with me and wanted to cuddle. S asked me to "sleep in her top bunk bed".
I wanted to go out tonight. I didn't want to drink but I really wanted to go out. I couldn't even tell you the last time I went to Billy's. I just wanted to see people you know. I sometimes long for the person I used to be. I was just sad because I don't really feel like most of my friends from here care at all if I even exist. I know that's dramatic and I chose this and I am so grateful for my leth friends. I haven't really put much of an effort towards people from rd especially in the last year or so but I just feel above it.
Tonight I went with ZG to a house party at TE's and it was just honestly so ridiculous. They went to Lotus and it was just everything that I'm not. Their conversations were actually painful to listen to. I didn't even know it was possible to be that annoying. I was just taken aback. I don't honestly think I was ever that stupid or that annoying, even when drunk. I wanted to punch every person there basically. I know I've done some super dumb and super annoying shit but that was just a whole new level.
I just feel out of place here now. If it weren't for my family, I really don't know when I'd ever come back here. I had to leave that house so I just got in my car, got a hot chocolate and drove. Tears were streaming down my face because the place that is supposed to be my home isn't. The person that I was here doesn't exist anymore. The people I used to spend my time with are still doing the exact same things they were doing 2, 4, and 6 years ago. I'm just not a part of it. And I was really sad tonight because I felt lonely and excluded but I  don't really know if I want to fit in here. I've never fit in here. I used to do a pretty good job pretending I did but this place just sucks the life out of you. You fall in to this habit of complacency. I don't ever want that.
I'm just really sad tonight.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart-- that's true strength. "

The little things.

I hate that boy so much. I am sitting here with my socks half off and half on my feet because they are too hot. If I take my socks completely off my feet will get too cold. What a stupid jerk making my pick up his annoying habits and drive me crazy.

Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.

The last few nights I've struggled to sleep. I know it's silly and I know it's difficult. I was talking to my sister the other night and I told her I'm sad because there is so much changing in my life in the next few months that it'd be really nice to have something stable. While number twelve and I were far from stable, he was always just a phone call or a text away and then I could visit and our conversation and his hug made everything feel like it was going to be okay. He's 1700 miles away. I can't just text him and stop by on my way home.
The hard part is that I know that this is better for us. Seeing him and speaking to him makes all progress I make go backwards. He makes me realize why I fell in love with him in the first place and everything in my life falls apart again because my heart aches for that love. My body yearns for his arms.
I guess I just wonder why people you love so much have to come into your life if you're going to lose them. Sure, I've learned an incredible amount from him and I've learned an incredible amount about myself from our relationship. Interestingly, I've learned a lot about other people and the way they react to certain things. I learned a lot about how different relationships are and how different people are in relationships.
I understand people come into your life because you're supposed to learn something from them. I sometimes just wonder what the point of the incredible pain in my heart is. What is the point of missing somebody every single day? What is this teaching me?

I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

Do you ever wonder if people from your past think about you? I sometimes wonder if people like sunshine or sofaking or tc think of me. I wonder if I ever cross number twelve's mind. Sometimes I think about them and how they're doing and I wonder what happened to us and how we got here. How did we get here? How could we be so far from the people we used to be? It was only 4 years ago. The person I was then and now are not even comparable. The people I thought would be in my life forever have been gone for a long time. 

I've been watching one tree hill and in this season it's four years since they graduated high school. It's hit me much harder than it did before. In fact I've been bawling for a good two hours. The changes in friends and family and life and dreams has all changed. Everything's changed. I don't even know who I used up be then. I have trouble wrapping my head around love. I have trouble wrapping my head around caring so much for someone and not speaking to them for years. 

I know you're supposed to come to terms with the fact that this is life. Things change in the real world and you just have to roll with it. But I don't understand it. I can't understand it. There's no course that teaches you how to make the right decision when you grow up. Or who to keep in your life forever. Who are you supposed to be? How do you get through the tough patches? Is it ever going to get easier? 

Blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

I sometimes wonder why I torture myself like this, at least, I think about it while tears stream down my face. 

I don't know what love is anymore.

I wish you were here.

I've seen your acts and I know all the facts. I'm still in love with who I wish you were. It ain't hard to see who you are underneath, I'm still in love with who I wish you were. 

I wish with all of my heart for you to be happy.

I've been laying in bed basically bawling for the last 2 hours. I'm watching one tree hill. I haven't watched it in a long time. It's hard for me to watch, especially these episodes. 

The combination of this show and the way that number twelve made me feel are the reason I believe in love, true love. I guess it's hard when you realize that you're gonna love someone forever who might not love you back. It's hard when you realize that you have to come to terms with the fact that every day for the rest of your life there is a piece of you that belongs to someone else. A piece of you that you can never get back. 

What am I supposed to do now? 

tired girl.

I am exhausted today. My feet hurt so much and I do not feel good. I'm not even hungover as much as tired because I didn't really drink that much. I have been going to the gym every day (except yesterday and today) and trying to be healthier overall and so drinking just kicked the shit out of my body.
Last night was super fun. We went to a super cool band called Dehli 2 Dublin and they were actually really good. I worked last night too and I couldn't believe it. I had a 79$ bill and a guy left me an 80$ tip. Like it made my entire night. I was so grateful.
I think that's something really incredible to me. If I were really rich, I would tip outrageous amounts to good servers. Like I generally always tip well. To me 15% is shit service and that's because I work in the industry and understand all of the potential things that could be reducing the quality of service. I always tip at least 20% depending on how much the bill is. I think that servers generally work a lot harder than people think. Sure you make pretty good money but you also have to put up with a lot of shitty people in a day.

You and me.

"I love you so much, you know that."

"Just not enough." 

Fraudulent.

I sometimes feel like a fraud. A lot of people ask me for advice (sometimes I give unsolicited advice too) but I sometimes wonder like why the fuck would you ask me? I can give advice and I can see alternative perspectives and I can always make sense of other people's situations but not my own. I'm just as fucked up or more fucked up than anyone else out there. I can often see the things I am doing wrong but I cannot change them because they are inherent to me. It's like look B, you are right fucked up but nothing you can do to fix it.
It's official, I am just completely and incredibly fucked up.

I'm so pathetic.

I cried tonight again. 

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Why do I love him this much?

late night thoughts.

I feel like I just want to experience what it's like to be with someone else. What it's like to date another boy and be in a relationship with another boy. This is so unnerving and so unnatural for me. The thought of even considering someone else is daunting to me. But I know that it's what I need. I need to experience someone else. I need to experience who I am with someone else. I want to experience who I am with someone else.

I couldn't agree more.

It always does.

In case my song lyrics weren't enough it's starting to kick in again. I'm starting to be sad and it's hitting me. I should have known. It's different though. 

And yes, I still love you too.

It never goes away, does it? 

It's going to feel like this forever. 

I told myself don't get attached.

This is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this. Come back, be here. 

This is falling in love in the cruelest way. This is falling for you and you are worlds away. 

But you're in London and I break down 'cause it's not fair that you're not around. 

You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry.

Maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. Maybe it's you and your sick need to give love and take it away. 

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.

Today I did pretty well on my reminiscent drive back to RD. I listened to some music because it felt right and I wanted to see how I would react. How incredibly fucked am I to ~test~ myself and my feelings. I did well except for a few songs. Austin by Blake Shelton of course got me and Need You Now by Lady Antebellum got me. I almost lost it during All Too Well by Taylor Swift too. You know it's cruel that I do this to myself but maybe in some fucked up way it's therapeutic. You know, realizing how strong I am now compared to then when I bawled through the entire CD and the entire drive home.

I cannot explain how much I love this.

“Don’t be so vain to think that you ruined me, that you wrecked me, destroyed me. I am the only one who has the power to do that. I loved you, and I ruined myself, I wrecked myself, I destroyed myself. And I will keep doing so for as long as I am breathing.” 
— Amanda Helm, "The Day I Learned That I was Broken"

love is just love.

It's funny you know, reading through my blog some days. There's moments of these other boys and when I say moments I mean moments. There's a few posts about a boy that caught my eye for a day or two. And always it goes back to him. I can always write about him. I always have something to say.
I'm trying to make sense right now of how I feel about everything but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad. I'm not broken though and I'm not falling apart. I'm sure that day will come at some point, probably a few times. Right now, I'm just sad. I mean I miss the boy I used to love. I know that he's not the same person and that's what I'm coming to terms with right now. It's hard to come to terms with the things we know are good for us sometimes.
It's hard. Love is always hard. I don't believe in this "love can heal anything" or "love is enough" bologna. It's not. Love, alone is never enough. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can come to terms with it.
I am well aware of the fact that love is not enough. If it was, there would probably be a lot less divorces. Most divorces don't result from a lack of love but a lack of trust, commitment, understanding, compromise, etc. I think we are so blindsided by the idealized notion of love and what love is. Love isn't some here today gone tomorrow phenomenon. When you love someone, you love them. It is nothing more and nothing less.

I guess goodbye made us strong.

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved. Sometimes life leads you down a different road, when you're holding onto someone but you've gotta let go. Some day you'll see the reason why sometimes, yeah, sometimes there's good in goodbye.

We can't take it back now.

You know, a long time ago I tried to convince myself that one day it would be easier. One day it would be better. One day I would be able to not feel broken when he entered my mind. I tried to convince myself it was getting easier when I knew it wasn't. I tried to convince myself that one day I'd be okay.
I am okay. I'd be lying if I said he didn't cross my mind multiple times a day. Of course he does. He will always have a piece of me and he will always be a part of who I am now. I think that's just what six years of loving someone does to you.
I don't wish my love for him away, or for it to dwindle. I wish for it to change. I wish to love him like my best friend again and not my boyfriend/partner/lover. I wish to love him in a way that doesn't break my heart when I think of him and all that we've been through together.
I wish for him to find what makes him happy. To channel the person he is so he can grow to the person he has the potential to be. I wish for me to let him go and let him love and laugh and live.

I'm sorry I broke you.

Today I spent the day with his sister. I realized that he's not the boy I fell in love with anymore. I think I've known that for a long time but it was one of those things I just wasn't quite ready to face. I didn't want him to be someone else. I think right now he's fighting an internal battle between who he is and who he wants to be. And who he wants to be is winning.
I miss the boy I fell in love with, not the boy that pretends he doesn't love me. m

Every time.

"Don't ever put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll drop it. They'll drop it every time."
-C. Barzak

I will always love you.

Never forget that you are loved.

Never doubt that you are loved. 

It's just so real.

I should have seen it coming. I mean I thought about it for a long time but I never had the balls to delete him. I guess I just always believed in us. I always believed one day we would work things out and it would be okay. I never thought it'd get here. I'm not mad. It's just really real. Six years. Done.
It's absolutely ridiculous that "deleting someone from facebook" makes things final in our day and age. It's pathetic actually. I mean I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face once again about him. And I hate myself for it. I hate it because I told him to stop talking to me. This was my choice, he just finalized it because he knew I couldn't. I have tried so many times because I know how much pain our relationship has caused me. I know exactly how much I've hurt, exactly how much I've cried. I know everything about us. I still get reminded of him every single day.
I can't explain it. I have wanted some sort of finality for 3 years. I wanted him to tell me he hated me or do something that made me hate him or just end it. I know that he did this because he knows it's best and he knows I couldn't because he knows just how much I love him. I needed this finality so bad. I told him to do this, I told him not to contact me anymore. I should've known. It's real.

Fire and gasoline don't mix.

I'm not really sure how to react right now.

He deleted me from facebook.

R.

I met a boy last night that I have a [crush] on. I say [crush] because I mean we hung out for 6 hours let's not go picking out the wedding cake just yet. I don't know. It was so weird because he was so not my type. He isn't a jacked hockey player who is ridiculous and oblivious and immature. He doesn't have dark hair either.
He has these beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair and he's a nurse at the hospital and he's brilliant. He can have an intelligent conversation but still makes fun of people and is funny. He was kind to me. I am probably definitely over-analyzing but he made a few comments and did a few things that were just nice. When I was cold and we were outside he started rubbing my arms to warm me up. And when I put on my slippers after the bar to drive instead of my boots he told me it was adorable that I like to drive in sock feet. He also came back to MV's in my vehicle and when we got there he made sure he sat on the couch with me.
It's so ridiculous and childish and high school giddy but it just feels so nice when boys are nice to you. I cannot explain it to most people because I'm just not like other girls. I know 99.9 percent of girls say "I'm not like other girls" but I'm not. I'm not the girl that guys are attracted to, I'm the girl guys know they want on their side. The girl that will take care of them, be a mom sometimes, always be a friend, tell them the truth, defend them to the ground and have fun doing lame stuff most girls hate like watching hockey or drinking scotch.
I cannot explain that to my sister or my friends because they are always the girls guys like. My friends are always in relationships or seeing boys. It's funny because everyone relies on me for all their relationship advice and it's like look I've had the most fucked up poisonous relationship for the last 6 years, why the fuck do you want my opinion? I know the answer to that actually. It's 1) because I have literally fucked up my relationship in every way possible and 2) because I'm honest. I look at things from the most objective perspective possible when it pertains to other people and I try to really take into account all participating perspectives.
When it comes to myself I feel like I'm a combination of jaded and cynical and sometimes short-sighted. Or naive. When it comes to my own situations I sometimes miss things, but usually I know what I'm doing even if I know it's wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is sometimes it just feels nice to have boys who are nice to you.

I want you.

I need to find a boy. I want a boy that will cuddle with me to watch a movie at night. A boy who will hold me close. A boy who will respect that I can't give him my heart just yet but try to win it anyways. A boy who will be there just to talk about nothing. A boy that strives to make me smile every day. 

Sooo tired.

I was I didn't feel like death. And also that I wasn't the worst procrastinator of all time. 

bedtime for this gal.

Some days you just have to go to bed.

That's the way I loved you.

I was driving today and The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift came on. And when it did, I realized everything. 

"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all

And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I'll be screaming and fighting

And kissing in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

And that's the way I loved you
I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you"

This is exactly how I feel about MV and Number Twelve. MV is perfect, he is incredible to me but there is absolutely nothing there. He is everything a girl would want a man to be. But it's not enough. I don't feel anything at all. 

I am almost mad at myself. I'm mad that I cannot feel anything for anyone. 

I feel like all of my friends are getting married or having babies or moving in together and it's just so frustrating because all of these people are finally getting their happy endings and I have to start all over. I put my heart, soul and everything I have into nearly 6 years with number twelve and now I just have to take all of that as ~life experience~? How do you even start over after that long with someone. 

Strength.

So last Wednesday I started to write about it. I was tired though so I went to sleep. In my class on Wednesday, I got super emotional. It was overwhelming actually. We talked about personal life changing experiences. We had to write about a significant person, a significant place and a significant event.
People began to share these incredibly personal stories with people they've known for only a few weeks. One guy spoke about the testicular cancer, another girl spoke about losing a friend, and the guy right before me spoke about the racism he encountered in Calgary because of the colour of his skin.
When I went up I think I was just so blown away by the emotional toll I had just encountered (I was one of the last to share). So when I went to speak about my sister getting pregnant and J being born, I burst into tears. I remember how sick B was and how they thought she had cancer so when she told us we were relieved. And since she's built such a wonderful life for herself and for him.
I felt like even though I got super emotional about it, I felt like I half-assed the story I shared after everything I encountered this year. I felt like there are a lot of more horrible and more personal things I could have shared. So I was talking to MV about how I kind of felt like a coward for not really opening up the way that I should have. And he spoke to me about it and he was just so kind and so supportive and I didn't really know how to explain it. He reminded me that I have been through a lot in my life and it's okay if I'm not ready to share with other people. He reminded me that being strong isn't relative to someone else. Everyone has strength in different moments. It's okay to be silently strong. It's okay to be strong without showing the world how strong you are. It's okay to just be strong instead of act strong.

You're not sorry.

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade. 

Why love.

I have found companionship with MV. I think that's what's the best part. We have talked like all weekend since I left and it's just nice to have someone to talk to. I honestly like miss hanging out with him and it's just so weird because it's just literally that notion of someone next to you. He keeps me from my own thoughts. And I think that's so important sometimes. Like we have our spots and his house and his spare bed is amazingly comfortable and it's funny because I always fall asleep. I fall asleep because I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel secure and content. 

It makes me think like do we even need relationships? Do we need marriage? Do we need ~love~? Or do we just create this ridiculous notion of what we think life is supposed to be? I mean I was in a relationship (essentially) for 5 years and now it's over and I'm consistently happier than I have been in years. I don't doubt for a second that there's a shortage of love between 12 and I. I know there's an overwhelming  amount. Does that mean it was a good situation or relationship or whatever? Love isn't enough. 

Into the Wild.

"Rather than love, rather than money, rather than faith, than fairness... Give me truth." 

Probably should be shitfaced?

I had close to 16 shots tonight. I would say at least 12 and I feel completely sober. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

Best person I know.

Tonight I had a bit of a breakdown in class. Remind me to talk about it tomorrow and remind me to say once again how incredible MV is. 

It's okay to let go and move on. You're worth it.

As I reread my last post, I thought to myself you are cheating, it is emotional cheating. I also realized that it's okay for me utilize the friendships I have in my life. It's okay to appreciate those people and rely on their strength during my weakness. I know that people have used my strength during their weaknesses so what makes me so special that I shouldn't rely on other people.
Perfection is in my nature. Idyllic dreams and overachievement and high expectations have driven my life for so long. And yes, while these are a part of who I am, they are not all that I am. I am not better than other people. I always tell other people to rely on me but I never really rely on them. Relying on MV and TT has changed my entire concept of friendship in the last week. MV shows me every single day the way that a boy man should treat me. Every single day he shows me that I deserve better and that it's okay to have people in your life that support you and believe in you and strive to be a part of your happiness.
I'm not cheating on getting over the last six years. I'm finally utilizing supports that actually work. I'm taking steps to put myself first and infusing people who support me every day to move on and life my life. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss number twelve because I absolutely do, every single day. But I don't feel broken anymore. I don't feel fragile. I don't feel like at any given moment if the wrong song comes on, or I watch the wrong movie, or see the wrong person that my entire world is going to come crashing down. I feel like I'm going to be okay this time.

Is emotional cheating a real thing?

I think I'm cheating. I mean in the sense that I'm basically having an emotional relationship with someone so I don't think about number twelve as much. I mean MV does everything for me. I talk to him most of the day. He cooks for me. We drink really good wine together. He's who I rely on at any moment I feel weak about number twelve. The best part is that I usually do something slutty and seriously regret it the next day and I'm embarrassed and angry at myself etc. But sleeping with him isn't even really something I'd want to consider. I mean he's wonderful, yes I don't have bad things to say about him. But he's not the boy I'm going to end up with so why waste my time ruining a friendship with someone I actually trust and respect? I also usually end up feeling like I've cheated on number twelve. But this time I don't feel like I've cheated on him, I feel like I'm cheating on the whole getting over the last six years. I don't even have to commit to a relationship or tell someone about myself and my history; I just have someone there every day who treats me well and does nice things for me.

But actually.

I'm seriously considering asking him to marry me and maintain an open relationship. 

Love those four.

Okay I feel a little bit bad about this but fuck it was funny. Last night MV went and hung out with K after work instead of us and my comment was "guaranteed after she goes home, he'll call me" which he absolutely did. So he walks in and MS and I looked at each other and both started fucking killing ourselves laughing. His shirt looked like it belonged to my niece. It was so small for him like beyond tight shirt Tuesday tight. So obviously we made fun on him a bit. And it was all in good fun. But he went back to his house to get something and when he came back I once again looked at MS and was like how much you want to bet he changed? He's like no way, no way. So he walks around the corner and I start laughing again because he did in fact change his shirt because we were giving him so much razz. And honestly he's like fuck I knew you would notice B. And I just laughed.

I have been an alcoholic lately but fuck I love those guys. MS and AL and MV and TT are just my lifesavers these days. 

Cheer up kiddo.

I just got a pretty nice compliment. I don't always know how to take work compliments. I was told that during revenue MM (aka owner of our mox) only has 3 potential servers in the entire place. I knew who the first was immediately. I have served him multiple times so I wondered if I was two (I was). I asked who three was. We don't even have a three anymore because KD is gone because she had a baby. That is a hugeeee compliment. I don't really feel appreciated most days, but that was definitely one. 

Grateful.

Sometimes your heart breaks in a good way... Like when you realize how lucky you are to have certain people in your life. How lucky you are to have friends that would do for you what you would do for them. 

And to love.

I think in the end all any of us want is to be loved.

Here's to me, and them.

Tonight I realized that I really lucky. I'm lucky to be who I am. I'm lucky to have the friend I have. I'm lucky to have a friend who calls after a date because he's excited to talk about it and encourages me to be better, to do better. 

I realized I'm really happy. It's nearly 4am and this is the earliest I've been home all week. I am laying in bed thinking about all the breakdowns I've had a few says after I took steps away from number twelve... I'm not broken this time. I spend time with people who build me up every single day and they have absolutely no idea they do. 

This girl inspires me all the time.

This passage changed my life. I have to remind myself of its truth often. 

Harry Potter had my heart first.

I really love this.

I can always find a way to not give myself a chance.

I have been thinking about it a lot, especially on my drive today. NC (number twelve's sister) picked me up from school today and we basically toured southern Alberta for her job. She's a Labatt rep so she basically drives to liquor stores and sets up the marketing stuff and has people sign things. We were talking about my week etc. and how fun it's been and what I've done and she's like well it kind of sounds like you're dating... are you sure you're not? And I was like absolutely sure. And then it got me to thinking about it. And I was thinking about how I think he's a brilliant man to marry but my heart doesn't jump when I see him. Obviously he makes me very happy and I have a great time when we hang out but in my head I'm not like I want to kiss him or bang him or any of those things. And I feel like those are some important features of a relationship unfortunately.

Nonsense.

Have you ever had a friend where you love them as a friend but you're unsure of  how you feel about them as more than a friend? Male/ female friendships in my life have a complicated history. Maybe it's just I find him attractive but that's all. I honestly love the kid. He's a wonderful person and a great friend. He's good looking and kind and fun. But I don't know if I feel like there could ever be more. You know?

He exists now only in my memory.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. And now you know he saved me, in every way a person can be saved.

-Titanic

I sent him this today.

I apologize slightly for the last message. It probably seems very random to you. I don't need a reply to this, only for you to read it and think. I don't understand who you want me to be in your life. We're not friends, you don't just not talk to a friend for a month and message them two hours before their birthday. You know that's not fair especially not with our history. The way I see it is this, I am always going to be here to support you. I think you need to figure out if you want me to be a support in your life and even more you need to figure out if you want to be a support in mine. I have never stopped believing in us or in you. Why? Beats the absolute fuck out of me. I know that you haven't figured that out yet and that's okay. When you do, you know where to find me. Until then, I wish you the very best and I am always praying for you and believing in you even when you don't believe in yourself. When you struggle, know that there is always someone who loves you. While I cannot place the love I have for you in words, I deserve to be treated better than someone who is pulling on my heart an hour before my birthday. I deserve to be happy. And if you don't want to be a supportive part of my life and contributing to my happiness then don't be in my life at all. I love seeing you and speaking to you but I am not a doormat. When you're ready to treat me like a human being, a friend, you can contact me. Until then, good luck, be safe and have fun.

Boy Meets World.

"We're going to be together forever. And I know that. But you still need to find that out. You know where I'll be."

Only God knows why.

Goo to sleep.

Why am I wide a fucking wake right now. 

Love.

Some days I just don't understand. 

Story of my fucking life.

NEVER stop thinking about him, even for a moment because that's the moment he'll appear.
-Carrie Bradshaw

This guy.

How I feel.

Happiness is a condition, enjoy it while it lasts.

I feel good, happy. I have zero motivation in school which is a bit of a problem but I'll make it work, I always do.
I think I've finally found some people that build me up instead of tear me down. I thoroughly enjoyed last night with MV and TT. I always enjoy TT and MV and I have always gotten along. I suppose I just thing TT is similar to me. I like her mind. She can have in depth real conversations.
MV is a whole other story. He is just a kind, good guy. He is the boy you want to marry because you know he will always take care of you. I think last night I saw the real MV. I have always had some insight into his heart because he trusted me enough to show me but last night was another level.
Sometimes he comes off as a really big asshole, especially since he came home from Thailand. I attribute it to how much he's been around JD. I think it would be better for MV to realize that he should be the one setting the example and not following JD's example. Mostly, I just think he's like everyone else, struggling to find his place in the world, especially after graduating from University last spring. I think that puts you in a very tough position. I mean, what are you supposed to do when you graduate. Everyone tells you from when you're little that after high school you go to university but that's easy it's school to school. How are you supposed to transition to real life, to a job, a mortgage, a family?
No one prepares you for life's transitions. I think that's something missing. I don't think we should be educating students in geometry and algebra... We should be teaching them how to do taxes and how a mortgage works. We should teach them qualities of good relationships, hard work, communication, compromise.
I think sometimes it's hard to figure out who you are. I know it's hard to figure out who I am. But I realize that I'm happiest when I'm just with my friends and I let myself do fun things. Obligation will destroy you if you let it. So choose to be happy, Choose to have fun. Choose to stay up too late, to sleep in, to laugh and eat too much sugar and drink incredible wine. Choose to love yourself and your life and all the wonderful people in it.

Time to wife up.

A boy made all of this for me tonight. He made it just because. I honestly love that kid so much, he always makes me smile. I think it's just nice to have people in your life that bring you up. MV is one of those people. Based on the photo below you can tell he's a better wife than I will ever be. He made homemade red wine apple cider then he made homemade caramel popcorn, then he made home made stuffed apples with homemade caramel

And homemade vanilla whipped cream... Hello jackpot! Then we watched The Guardian. It was just such a nice night. I'm very grateful for some of my friends and the experiences I've been able to encounter recently.

To be yourself is all that you can do.

I realized something though. I have become much more content with who I am as a person. That night I said something like oh I hate C. And MV was like you know she's one my best friends right? And I was like I didn't know that but I could care less because it doesn't change my opinion of her. Not too long ago I would have probably said like... Oh I'm sorry he's just not my favourite person. But that's a lie. I just don't like her and I think she's fake, so I said exactly that. I don't care if she likes me and if that's gonna make MV or anyone else not like me then I probably don't need them in my life. 

Good friends is all you need.

Do you know those nights where you're the perfect drunk, you're having the best time but not too drunk, you don't have a terrible hangover, you just really have an amazing time? That was Saturday for me. I just had a really great and fun time. 

Late night thoughts.

It's sort of weird you know, NC. She was with DVZ last night and they were talking about me and I never really knew how NC felt about me when number twelve and I were dating. I mean she wasn't around much because she was already at university. But everytime she sees DVZ she always tells her how much she likese and how much she hates the way her brother treats me. It's just kind of weird you know, to have that kind of relationship with her. I guess it's hard because it sometimes feels like she's secretly hoping it'll work out for us. She always tells me to find a new boy because she wants me to be happy but I think she knows that I don't want another boy to makes happy, I want her brother who lives 2000 miles away in another country to contribute to my happiness. 

I will never hate you.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.

something to think about.

I've been having the most fucked up dreams lately. The other night I had a dream about sofaking. I dreamt that KH was dating him and somewhere we saw each other and he started talking to me. First, I find it hilarious because KH would never ever date him hahahah. But it was so weird because he started speaking to me and I was quite unsure of how to respond. He said he wanted to talk later about everything and he handled it poorly. Then KH started fucking loosing it on me. And she was dropping every name in the book and telling me that I couldn't possibly do this again.
I told her I wasn't doing anything I was just trying to resolve some issues that had been long held in the quietest place of my head and heart. Which is true, if I'm perfectly honest, I would love to have a conversation with sofaking to just understand how things happened and why. I know it's unrealistic but I think that even though it doesn't always upset me, it's something I will never forget.

The next dream I had was really awful though. That is the one that stuck with me. I dreamt that some guy was shooting me in the face with a gun. As he pulled the trigger, I opened my eyes.

Last night I dreamt again about some guy chasing me with a gun. It was so scary because he was trying to kill me and I don't know why. I don't really understand what this means. I just googled what it means when you have a gun in your dream. These are the two responses:
1) you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in a situation or that you are being targeted. 
2)To dream that you are shot or being shot at represents a form of self-punishment that you may be subconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that  you need to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

This is what it means to be killed, or try to be killed: 
1) To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.
2) To see a killer in your dream suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something
3)To dream that you are murdered suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. The dream may also be about your unused talents. 

Never forget

Life is hard sometimes.

This is one convo I needed to see

She gets her happy ending.

I always loved Carrie Bradshaw. 

Story of my life.

Change.

Today I did it. I finally grew the balls to email the girl from England and find out my options for next year. 

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.

I needed to hear that from PL last night so embarrassingly badly. It's pathetic I know but I just have never been the girl guys like. And I needed to hear that someone else. I needed to know that there can be someone else. At the same time it made me realize how damaged I am. How heartbroken I am. I don't see myself that way and the possibility of a relationship is just not even fathomable. The possibility of another boy is unfathomable. I just love that boy and I've loved him for so long I can't even comprehend it anymore. It is immeasurable, indescribable, it simply is one of those things that cannot be explained. 

Silly boy.

I really wish that I didn't miss him the way that I do.

Last First Studio

Last night was crazy. I am honestly so taken aback. I'm very glad I decided to stay sober though, it saved some regrets and made for an entertaining evening.
RD was there, aka mattress boy. He was so unbelievably wasted like falling over wasted. And he gave me a big hug and kept pulling me closer to him. Even sober, I probably would have taken him home but I was relatively certain he was still in a relationship. I of course, asked TK and she's like yes they are definitely in a relationship he is off limits. I was fine with that. I think he is almost undatable. He is the type of boy you want to able to call when you need to bang but he is not the boy you want to be in any sort of relationship with.

Earlier, PL came and gave me a hug, then he tried to kiss me and I was like haha weird he must be wastey pants. So I was like TK, P just tried to kiss me. And she, also intoxicated was like yeah probably because he's in love with you. And I'm like whaaaat. And she's like yes he thinks you are like the most gorgeous girl in the whole world and wants to do terrible things to you. And I was just like uhhh. I honestly thought she was kidding.
Later in the evening, he found me again and actually told me all of these things. He told me for probably 15 minutes that he thought I was beautiful and blah blah blah and eventually asked me on a date.
I was speechless. He isn't my type, he is honestly a sweet guy most of the time but for me my issue is that I'm not ready. I wish that I was but hearing that just solidified that I'm not ready for another relationship. I still have lots of growing and healing to do on my own.

THEN TK started bawling on the way home and I'm like wtf is wrong. She was upset because MH(aka one of the best looking boys in history that I've ever met) was uninterested in her when she made an effort. And I love TK and I think she's a beautiful girl but she's just not his type and I tried to explain that to her but it didn't really sink in until later after she was home. She said she's better today and I really hope so!

First studio.

Tomorrow remind me to tell you about all the crazy shit that happened tonight... Like TK's former roommate confessing his love for me and RD hitting on me while he has a girlfriend and TK bawling about MH not being interested in her. 

Oh, almost forgot JD asking me to do MDMA on the weekend. 

Just be grateful.

I find it kind of weird the way our world is now. I find boys I'm friends with who are nice and treat me well and all of a sudden nice turns into an "is he hitting on me". It's sad because I'm so used to asshole makes that I cannot even comprehend guys that are just good nice supportive friends. 

What the fack?!!

That awkward moment when you realize someone you hooked up with now has a child. 

Pathetic.

Dear self, 

Quit being so girly, it's embarrassing. 

Sincerely, 

Love isn't enough. 

Believe in yourself.

I guess sometimes you just have to trust that who you are is enough. 

Sometimes we need it.

I had a major emotional breakdown tonight. Like it was pathetic and embarrassing and I cried for like two and a half hours. 

Tonight I want to cry.

I've just drunk enough to let go of my pain, to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes; tonight I wanna cry. 

Breakdown.

Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who's always put together. 

Fearless.

“@disneywords: Belle loved a beast, Jasmine married a thief, Ariel walked on land for love, because love means facing your biggest fears.” 

Love this. 

Clauddaugh.

I've been told so much about my ring. I may not be in a relationship but I have to wear my ring this way because my heart belongs to someone so it's unavailable to give away.

I wish it wasn't this way every day

I'm so pathetic. I have two glasses of wine and I'm almost in tears because I miss home so much. 

a little email.

Sometimes it is difficult to talk to JP about Number 12 because she doesn't really get it. She's never felt that way about anyone. She asked me tonight how often I think about him or our relationship and if I run scenarios through my mind. I said well those are all different things. She said do you think about him every day?
I responded with absolutely. At least twice every day. I always think about him. I didn't really let on just how much I think about him. But I can honestly answer that yes I think about him absolutely every single day. In my head I thought, I think about him almost every second of every day.
I know right now it's heightened because I'm concerned about him. I know it's pathetic and I'm sad because I miss him and all of that and I'm sure that he's probably perfectly okay. I know he believes more in no news is good news but I just want to hear that he's okay.