So much for being fearless.

I have been thinking about BH so much it's actually kind of pathetic. I barely even know him at all. We've never had a full blown conversation. It seems ridiculous, I know. But every time I think about him I get butterflies. When I see him I get butterflies. When he speaks to me, I'm speechless. He just is e an attractive person and not just in the sense he's good looking. He just has one of those silly and fun personalities that draws you to him. He looks genuinely happy all the time. 

You know how you just connect with some people? You just meet some people and know you're going to get along. That's how I feel when I speak to him. I feel like we would just get along well. He is the type of person I need in my life to calm me down and reduce my overly-analytical brain to just having fun sometimes. Everyone told me just to go for it but I can't because I don't work like that. I'm afraid.

I know how silly this sounds because I'm basically building a relationship for the two of us in my head. I'm crazy, I know. I've just kind of always been like this. When I know I want something like this I just know. I cannot explain it or put it into words. I simply feel how I feel. 

He made me forget about number twelve the way number twelve made me forget about sunshine. And that's a bad way to go from boy to boy and I know that. But my heart and my head feel differently. My heart holds onto boys even when they're not in my life. 

It is imperative that I find a new man. I need to move on. I know I do and I want to. And I partially thought that I had. Emotionally, MV was a lifesaver. He's basically been my wife the last 4 months and it was easy to not think about number twelve because I was with him all the time and we did stuff together all the time. We talked all the time when we weren't together.  He's safe. He's safe because there's a love in friendship but no feelings of attraction there. It was easy because it was a cop out. Now I'm gone. Now I don't know what to do. 

Comig home I had to face my feelings about number twelve. They're still there, I just buried them deep down into a part of me I didn't have to think about. But they're surfaced, they're here. Now what?