rant.

I feel like I go through phases. It's like I can't live it up and have an excessive amount of fun without doing things I regret. If that makes sense. The rest of the time I am loving my life as a nerd. When I study and spend time on myself. But then I fall into this shell of comfort and isolation and people become upset that I'm not hanging out with them and I feel left out because I'm not going out and doing anything. And when you do that, eventually people stop inviting you to do things because they get tired of hearing no.
And I can understand that because I know there are people that I can only invite to do things a certain number of times before I get annoyed and quit inviting them. But for me, that's easy because I'm gone most of the time so I forget by the next time I'm home. And the people I want to see, I make an effort to see. The people who make no effort to see me, too bad for them.
I just want to find a balance. I feel like that's something I miss about being with number twelve. When I was with him, it was nice because we could study and watch movies and make dinner together and just relax and be homebodies most of the time. But when I went out, I wasn't ridiculous because I knew that he would be at home waiting for me later. We very rarely went out together. In fact, I don't think we have ever gone out together in RD; at least, not to the bar. Only a few times in Leth did we go to the bar and in RD we drank a few times but we always wanted to go home before the bar because what's the point when you already know who you're going home with. When we went to the bar in Leth we'd go for like half hour to an hour and want to go home anyway.
I think that's what I'm looking for. I mean I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with K and chirping and just hanging out on a Friday or Saturday night but it's not the same because when I need a hug or I just want someone next to me, K can't do that. I want someone to be physically near me sometimes. I don't need them to speak I just want them near me. I think that's why I was so flustered when DK believed the whole 'teasing' thing. Like that's ridiculous. I don't stay in his bed to 'tease' him. I stay in his bed because someone is physically near me and I feel safe.