number 12.

And of course, number twelve. We went for coffee on Friday morning. It was good, really good actually. He came and picked me up, we got a coffee and just drove and talked for an hour and a bit. I don't exactly know how to explain it, the words to use or if it will even make sense, but I'll try my best.
For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved. It was like this giant weight had been lifted because I knew that right now we are exactly where we are supposed to be: not together. I have and will always love that boy, I can assure you of that. This time, the butterflies were different, they were settled. My stomach dropped as I opened the door and I shakily put on my coat hoping he wouldn't notice and my knees wouldn't give out as I followed him out to the car.
We just started talking, and like always after a few moments it was completely normal, natural. It felt right. We discussed life and our families and work and school and just caught up. Usually when this happens I just want to say, "I still love you and I don't know how to get over you and I wish we could be together" which is when he replies, "I hate that I can't get over you and I've tried everything. But we just can't be together". (This conversation has actually happened before and it is the second worst conversation I've ever had in my life). This time wasn't like that.
This time, I knew somehow that this is where we're meant to be. I didn't have to convince myself that one day we'd be okay and I didn't have to try and convince myself that we have things to do in life that require independence. I just knew that there are things in life that we need to do on our own. That's the way it has to be and I was okay with that because somewhere, somehow love remains. And one day I'm going to marry him.
I know how absolutely ridiculous that sounds. And I am not the girl that devotes her life to a boy, and I think that's how I knew this is what's right for us. This is what's right for me. I have too many things I want to do in this life that I cannot and will not give up who I am or what I want for a boy, any boy no matter how much he makes my heart race or how happy he makes me. He cannot make me happier than I can make myself. And that's the key.
We've been through this before. We've discussed the fact that we both have things that we want to do in life that wouldn't necessarily leave us together. We've discussed that we don't want the other person to give up something for the other one. And I love that he wouldn't want me to give up my dreams for him and I love that he wouldn't give up his dreams for me too. Most girls want that, a boy to give up what matters most to them for her. But I wouldn't want that, I thought I did at the time, but I would have less respect for him if he did because his dreams are realistic and they are important to him. I fell in love with him because of his ambition and his stubbornness and all the qualities that direct him in the direction of success not in spite of those things.
So I guess that for now, this is it. This is where we stand. This is where I stand: I want nothing but the best for him. Cue Rascal Flatts lyrics to My Wish and in ten years you can cue the lyrics to Then I Did.