on the bright side.

"babe, you know that no matter what happens, where you go, i'm going to be there either way."

stupid alberta oil.

ps. you living two hours away all winter is hard enough.
it'd be nice if you didn't move further away all summer.

frustration.

honestly that doesn't help me at all. last night i was so flustered with everything so he told me we were going for a drive and he'd be here in less than 2 minutes. he is entirely clueless as to what to say to make me feel better. he always trys to be the voice of reason and tells me to look at it from other perspectives to ensure i'm not being narrow-minded. he reminds me that either way, everything is going to be okay. i guess right now is all we can deal with and everything else will happen when it happens, the way it's supposed to happen.

let's change the subject.

"So I was talking to the pops today and my uncle's company wants me to work for them all summer... It's 25 bucks an hour and lots of overtime hours meaning I could probably make like forty grand in the four months of summer."
"Well that sounds really good".
"Yeah, there's just one problem; it's up north".
"Oh."
"Does that make you think less about the first problem babe?"
"Um well no actually. It just poses the same problem six months later".

i hate when people cry.

So why are tears uncontrollably streaming down my face?

he passed all the tests.

yesterday he came with me and got interrogated as if he'd committed some sort of crime. and he took it so well. he answered all their questions and it meant so much to me that he would sit through such a thing. what a wonderful boy.

i'm only me when i'm with you.

you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half i'm only trying to let you know that what i feel is true.

hahahahahaha

okay dad, the couch.... because that's exactly where he slept.

i love my daddy.

the other night number twelve and i fell asleep before i was supposed to take him home. and my daddy knew he was there but he didn't think he was staying over night. it was honestly an accident, i planned to take him home. but we did, inevitably fall asleep. in the morning he took my vehicle home and his momma was nooot happy he never came home. my daddy however was like "oh b, i don't mind him staying over as long as i know ahead of time. the couch is alwys open."

it scares me.

love. love is a very, very strong word. i mean to tell someone you love them, to tell a boy you are in love with them is a big step. i love the kid to death, i really do; but to say that i'm in love with him is a scary, scary thing. i have only ever told one boy i am in love with him and i waited until after he broke my heart time and time again. it scares me, love. it's such a big thing to say. it just seems like a way to set yourself up for a broken heart.

frightening horoscopes.

"no matter how maddening their idiosyncrasies are, you love them. repeat that over and over again, until you believe it."

explanation of last blog title.

"i broke down crying; was she worth this mess?
after everything in that little black dress,
after everything, i must confess
i s t i l l need you".
-tswift.

the other side of the door.

he also told me he couldn't explain it but somehow still after everything, he still was so into me. despite our best efforts to make the other one jealous, and to start fights and to just annoy the other person cause we can; it's still me.

pink.

i missed him so much and last night we talked for so long. he opened up to me. he wasn't stoked on the fact another boy kissed me the other night (by not stoked i mean, "i'm going to kick his ass"). we were both just happy to be together because it's just been so long. he told me he might actually tell people he's seeing someone when he gets back. and he made sure i knew he hasn't touched a single girl since i was last there.

the fire isn't even warm.

last night we were just having a chat, laying on the couch and he was like i can honestly say i miss you. i don't think i have ever told anyone that before but i honestly missed you so much.

a wholeee night.

i got the whole night with him. and it was amazing. holy man did i miss him. he came over and we just cuddled on the couch for like a half hour when he first got here. i think i miss that the most; just laying in his arms, being. we went out and i'm glad we did... i mean i'm sure we both would've been content to just stay home and watch a movie but we decided to be social. and it was really fun. haha fortunately he came home we me and we fell asleep haha momma number 12 wasn't happy today.

i should say was.

he was home. he went with the fam to see his cousins for christmas. i hope he is home tomorrow. i should really ask i he comes home tomorrow or boxing day.

finally.

he's home.

surprise parties.

okay soooo funny. i was tired and grumpy and sick so i drove last night. it was v's surprise birthday and it was dress up and it was fun and like 3 dollar drinks and just a shit show. so i dropped brether off and then i forgot i had me's id soo i take it back and then dragon calls me like b, i'm sooo drunk! please come get me. l squared decided he'd call me to come get him 3 separate times and then waited till i was at home in bed to actually call to go home. so i head into sharks and there's dragon, kodiak, rc and bk. and it was soo funny. we're all just sitting in my vehicle waiting for bk and by this point i'm like seriously, like i wanna go home. so kodiak throws out the last post and starts going on this rant about how we will bow down to you and make sure the world revolves around you. baha. it was really funny at the time.

oh kodiak.

"don't worry bryce; it's your world, we're just living in it."

4 hours of sleep.

this morning i woke up with someone sitting on top of me. then i moved and he took my couch spot because apparently his bed wasn't good enough?? someone is bucking and we can all hear; clearly its britty. then my sister crawled on top of me and said we need to go home now, i can't drive though. so we get in her jeep and i start driving. we are stopped at the lights and she opens the door and bucks out just in time for the light to change. we continue our drive and she opens her window and bucks pretty well the entire way home. i drop her off and go home.
what a morning.

fml.

i am so fucking hungover.

i miss grade 12!

"memories within us,
dreams ahead of us."

just another wide-eyed girl.

damn that spotlight tell me things like,
i can't take my eyes off of you.

and you run a university??!

dear registrar,
you are an idiot. it is ever so (IN)convenient that you 'forgot' to schedule the most commonly taken first year university course's exam and had to add it afterwards. and you make it on a saturday night. wow, that gives me confidence about my university education.
sincerely,
b.

i'd like to make myself believe.

everything is never as it seems.

fearless.

i want to remember this.

the tswift song reminded me of banff.

there's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained; there's a glow off the pavement you walk me to the car and you know i want to ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot, yeah.
we're driving down the road, i wonder if you know i'm trying so hard not to get caught up now. but you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair; absent-mindedly making me want you.
and i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
so baby drive slow, till we run out of road in this one horse town; i wanna stay right here. in this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me. in this moment now capture it; remember it.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
well you stood there with me in the doorway, my hands shake i'm not usually this way; but you pull me in and i'm a little more brave. it's the first kiss, it's flawless, it's really something; it's fearless.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

only 4 more days.

b- "yes, but it's not fair. it defeats the purpose of pretending i'm okay!"

speaking of...

b- "a steam would be sooo nice!"
12- "yeah it'd probably help calm you down."
b- "do i sound upset?"
12- "no, we both know you are the queen of covering up what's inside."
b- "that i am, that i am. and yet, somehow you usually seem to know something's wrong when i don't tell you."
12- "awe that's almost a good thing though; someone's got to be there for you like you are for everyone else."

it's always 12.

even the day sunshine opened the letter was october 12th.
my life seriously perpetuates the number twelve.

more than a memory.

january 1, 2010

it's just a memory.

mele kalikimaka.

we haven't been that way in a long time. so that's a lovely memory to reminisce on; but in one week, i will say merry christmas sunshine; mele kalikimaka.
and then i can finally move completely and know that it's never going to be more than just a memory.

wailea.

i remember the first year he went. i was devastated. i changed my orthodentist appointment and he came to the school strictly to see me before he left. i swear his mother was going to kill him because he was going to be late. we've done that many times, rearranged our schedules and gone out of our way so we could see one another before a trip. i remember sitting in ireland's biology classroom waiting for class to start and my phone went off. i was like ahh okay be stealth. and i looked at my phone and i remember jc being like what, what is it? and my face had lit up. i couldn't believe it. he was laying on the beach in maui having a beer thinking of me. i remember being so upset because i had to go from speaking to him from 6am when he went to building opportunities until 1 or 2 am when we decided we should probably get some sleep. when i got that text message, we spoke non-stop through my classes and throughout all of holidays; only taking breaks when he was going in the water. i remember him saying merry christmas, and going golfing with maroon 5, meeting alice cooper. telling me about v and t. the entire time, he told me what he was doing and asked what i was doing. i think it was those three months we were closest; or at least, we talked the most. we had merry christmas twice and mele kalikimaka twice because of the time difference; same with new years. i think it was that moment; the moment i read that text message, that i fell in love with him.

maui.

i'm pretty sure sunshine's in maui; or at least he will be in the next day or two. that' s surprisingly hard for me. i haven't spoken to him in just under a month. so basically now we're at about two and a half months; seeing each other one day and speaking four ish times. i'm doing really well i'm happy without him but it's hard. it's hard to be in the christmas spirit when i'm used to having difficulty saying goodbye for a few weeks. there was no goodbye. it was just done; i just ended it. and now i have no idea whether i miss him, the friendship, or if i'm just reminiscing on things that are gone.
are we just holding on to things that we don't have any more?

oh gavin degraw.

young love is sacrifice;
young love is tough.
young love is i n n o c e n t;
young love is us.

add a lime.

have you seen the commercials for the movie 'it's complicated'?
haha well if you haven't, go watch it. it's quite funny.
for me however, it's even more funny because number twelve told me to go look at it the other day because it seemed quite relatable to the two of us. i laughed for so long because it is so funny. in case you don't have time here's the quick lowdown; husband and wife get divorced because he cheats on her. husband marries hot young broad. husband and ex-wife have affair. wife has new boy on the side. bahahaha
sadly, we really are that complicated.

rye and ginger.

i am just going to say again how stupid a saturday night exam is and how unhappy about it i am. i would LOVE to be at farside with the boys this evening but at least they'll have a drink for me.

sheer exhaustion.

i am sick and i am tired.
my body is hurting and my brain feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.
i was so tired that driving home from my exam this morning i almost fell asleep on crowchild.

all those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you.

the way you walk, the way you talk, way you say my name;
you're beautiful, wonderful;
don't you ever change.

can't help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain.

i've seen it all, so i thought
but i've never seen nobody shine the way you do.

chelsea too =(

everyone is done exams. sooo not fair.

alcoholism?

mushroom soup, girl cheese and corona.

halo.

i swore i'd never fall again;
but this don't even feel like falling.

the epitome of procrastination.

i'm not really trying to procrastinate i just really want to come home. i am just done with school and need a real break not a break to do homework like reading week was. i want to come home and i want number twelve to come home and i just am ready to be in rd. yes i just said that, what is my life coming to. i have history at 8 tomorrow morning and sociology at 7 saturday night. only two more days =( everyone else is like done exams(except for number 12 cause that's my luck) and i hate that they are all going out and partying it up and i am stuck in calg studying. alone.

stay gold ponyboy, stay gold.

hey jude,
don't make it bad.
take a sad song and make it better.
remember to let her into your heart;
then you can start to make it better.

who you'd be today.

i remember you once told me that you couldn't see yourself growing old. you just didn't think you'd live that long. we were sitting on the rocks of the ocean in west vancouver. we were at my aunt's for spring break just to get out of rd. i was speechless. we sat on those rocks for hours and just talked about everything. and you told me you just couldn't see yourself growing up.
do you have any idea what your death would do to the people in your life. if it was drinking and driving, you'd probably kill your brother. and your parents would be devastated; not to mention all of your friends. if you died, it'd probably damn near kill me. i honestly wouldn't know what to do. i don't know how you cope with something like that. i don't know if i could cope with something like that. please don't make me have to.

ken adams.

really drinking and driving? you of all people? you lost your brother's best friend to that and you say his best friend go through hell for killing him. and you're doing it now. that doesn't make any sense. and rationalizing that you waited a half an hour does not make it okay. rationalizing that you don't do it all the time doesn't make it okay either. drinking and driving does no good. you aren't invincible. you aren't immortal. what is it going to take for you to learn? i'll admit that two times i have driven when i probably shouldn't. and the one time i rationalized it because it was a few blocks and i wasn't drunk by any means but i'd had more than two drinks and that's my personal limit. and the other time was just one stupid thing to do. but you, you've had more than one or two chances. this is more than three or four times. and if you die, we lose. it's not a joke or a game. if you're gone, we have to deal with it. when you die, you die. that's it. the end. and you leave the people that care about you behind to try and pick up the pieces. please just stop this.

greasers and socs.

so getting in a bar fight and getting your face all cut up isn't a cool thing to do. i realize that you were defending a friend that was beaking and all but that's just not a cool thing to do... like at all. fighting solves nothing. i don't care how much of a douche the person was being but a bar fight? really? tht exudes class. oh and now you're gonna think you are all sweet and be like yeah man i got in a bar fight, i kicked her ass! sweet so someone tried to stab you and has it out for you and you're going to brag about it now? that is NOT sweet.

not sweet.

i remember when i was cool and drank and drive.

welll aren't we cute.

hah so i decided to send number twelve an email because well i just thought it'd be a nice change from a blackberry message for once.. a nice surprise. it's actually such a like lame cheesy think to do but we both knew it. haha so i open his reply this morning and he was like wow we are soo sweet hahaha. and then he asked me how the people upstairs are and if it ever puts me in 'onea them moods' bahaha oh babe. yes i does now pleaseeee come home.

i just can't wait to be king.

i'm honestly like a combination between a 6 year old and a seventy-five year old.

orgasmic.

fyi. sun-rype black currant peach juice is like the most delectable juice in the history of the world and as far as juice goes, it's actually quite healthy.

confounded much.

i am really weird i've decided. i mean last night i was babbling about coach and looking at fashion and tonight i'm watching the game babbling about basketball. it's quite funny that i'm just one of the guys and yet can be the girliest girl ever too. you could assume i have a personality disorder. i mean i enjoy going for beer with the boys but i never turn down wine with the girls either. i will finish a 26 of jagermeister with brando in a half hour or get drunk off caesars with the soccer ladies. i'll go for a manicure, pedicure and facial with my sisters then we'll go get sweaty playing soccer. i'll get my ass kicked at cod and kick ass at wii. i give girls boy advice and boys girl advice. i love to travel and see the world but i love home too.
and i wonder why i have no idea what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

toronto raptors.

as much as i love j.j. reddick; please stop getting your asses kicked by orlando.
they are called the magic, come on.

venti four pumps sugar-free vanilla, non-fat, berry blossom white tea misto.

starbucks is calling my name;
unfortuntely studying must accompany it.

dear santa.

going to march madness would be a stellar present also.

all i want for christmas.

if i can only have one christmas present for the rest of my life; i'd like a trip to north carolina to watch duke play unc in a basketball game. i would do anything to see them play live and be thankful for all eternity. i can only imagine seeing ty lawson and tyler hansborough playing. and coach k; oh my gosh to see coach k live would be mind boggling. my life would be complete after that trip.

mr. shakespeare.

love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.
it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

grey, black and blue.

does this darkness have a name? this cruelty, this hatred. how did it find us? did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? what happened to us? that we now send our children into the world like we send young men into war, hoping for their safe return. but knowing that some will be lost along the way. when did we lose our way? consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness.
does this darkness have a name?
is it your name?

lucas scott.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

invictus.

out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole;
i thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.
in fell the clutch of circumstance, i have not winced nor cried aloud;
under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody but unbowed.
beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror at the shade;
and yet the menace of the year finds, shall find, me unafraid.
it matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll;
i am the master of my fate.
i am the captain of my soul.

6 471 818 671

"At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred, seventy one million, eight hundred, eighteen thousand, six hundred, seventy-one people in the world. Give or take a few. Some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day; others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. six billion people in the world, six billion souls -- and sometimes, all you need is one."

atlas shrugged.

do not let your fire go out; spark by irreplacable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not yet, the not quite and the not at all. do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.
the world you desire can be won; it exists.
it is real.
is possible.
it is yours.

every moment counts.

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices. Or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world. That’s just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. Rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now.

it's all about the magic.

Name a wish, place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. But if you believe that it right around the corner. And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the serenity of it. You just may get the thing your are wishing for. The world is full of magic you just have to believe it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good.

Now believe in it with all you heart.

not fair.

so i believe i've gotten you sick on like at least three or four occasions. but you got me sick last time and i'm still sick two weeks later.

brooke, do you want me to spell it out for you?

Y.O.U. A.R.E. T.O.O. N.I.C.E. ! ! ! !

scars remind us the past is real.

i tear my heart open,
i sell myself short;
my weakness is that i care too much.

criminal minds.

scars remind us where we've been;
they don't have to dictate where we're going.

agent hotchner.

"what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us".
-ralph waldo emerson.

this is me.

i'm sorry it didn't work out for us.
i'm sorry i'm not who you want me to but.
but i'm not going to apologize for who i am.

i miss you very much, please come home; now.

one week. seven days. one hundred fifty-six hours. nine thousand three hundred sixty minutes. five hundred and sixty one thousand six hundred minutes.
approximately.

time takes it all.

i really, really just want this week to be over. i would like it to be about 10 o'clock on saturday night and then skip right to next wednesday. please. pleaaasseeee. i don't want to study or write my last two finals.. speaking of which, friday morning 8am final= not cool and 7pm saturday night= lamest test time ever. i am just ready to come home for break now. i have procrastinated because i have zero drive or ambition to study and i just want to go home and have a brew with sofa king. he's done, why can't i be?

you're sexy, deal with it.

please stop arguing with me for two hours about your size. i know you want to get bigger but i like you just the way you are. most boys are jealous and only dream of looking like you and most girls only dream of being with someone that looks like you. please suck it up now and recognize that you are sexy and deal with it.
thanks babe. =)

oh babe.

how this boy thinks he needs to get bigger, i'll never understand.

southern voice.

i wish boys were as chivalrous as they used to be.

a sock hop beneath my bed.

leave my door open a crack
please take me away from here
cause i feel like such an insomniac
please take me away from here
why do i tire of counting sheep
please take me away from here
when i'm too tired to fall asleep.

a fox trot above my head.

everything is never as it seems.

fireflies.

i'd like to make myself believe.

lacoste.

lacoste is like mary poppins inspired right now and i really really like it.

i'll be your french maid.

you make me wanna la la.

little blue box.

please feel free to take a look.
http://www.tiffany.ca/Engagement/item.aspx?GroupSku=GRP10001&selectedSku=23872722#f+0/0/2001/0/4001/4001

tiffany.

it's only 48 000 dollars.

simple elegance.

i have always wanted the same engagement ring. always. in fact, i told a friend who's dad owns a jewelry store. it is so extremely simple but that's what i love about it.

love is expensive.

total= $4440

coach=love.

coach.

some of my love.

i am sooo in love.

i was writing my christmas list and i asked number twelve what i want for christmas and he told me i want a coach bag; which is so incredibly true. so i go look on the coach website and i basically fell in love. like i am so unbelievably in love it's ridiculous.

note to self.

NEVER go on the coach website ever again.

you know everything about me; you say that you can't live without me.

and sometimes we don't say a thing;
just listen to the crickets sing.
everything i need is right here by my side
and i know everything about you;
i don't wanna live without you.

i'm only me when i'm with you.

you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half i'm only trying to let you know that what i feel is true.

elsewhere.

don't you see i've got to live my life for me
it's not right for you but it's right for me.

it's times like these you learn to love again.

so there's actually a semi funny story about the first time i talked to veronica. almost 2 years ago i was talking to sunshine on msn; back in the days when msn was cool. they were in maui and i was missing him and sofa king. so then he starts talking differently and telling me her name is victoria. and she starts going on about slutty things and i was laughing so hard and then she tells me her real name is veronica and that she was just saying victoria because it was more stripperish and scandalous like victoria's secret and i just couldn't help but laugh. she added me on her own msn and we talked from there. she was a really nice girl and i'm glad i got to get to know her a little bit. thanks for impacting my life.

immortality.

there's this girl and her name is veronica. i never met her but i talked to her and she was good friends with two people very important to me. just over a year ago, she died in a tragic car accident and every once in awhile i look at her facebook page just to remind myself how lucky i am. i remind myself to be thankful for the people i have had, have and will have in my life. i remind myself to be thankful for everything i have. and i remind myself to not take things for granted. i remind myself that it can happen to any one of us, at any time, without any warning. it's crazy how many lives a person can touch and not even know it.

416

dear people above me,
what the fuck are you doing that makes so much noise alllllll the time? do you like stop around in your high heels for fun? do you bang your glasses on the counter? do you accidentally run into the walls? or is the sex just really that good that you make that much noise at all hours?
sincerely,
b.

i still got a lot of leaving left to do.

i want to see it all. i don't want to miss anything. and i must promise myself right here, right now that i will never not do something my heart desires because of a boy.

take me there.

and i'm not as scared as i usually am.

let it go, see what tomorrow brings.

i also don't know when i turned into one of these girls. i'm glad i can still respect that his family should see him first. however, i'm wondering when i turned into the girl who's like counting the days until i see him. i don't have anything against them but it's just not me. i just really miss him and i guess i'm used to being able to drive 2 minutes to his house and crawl in his bed to wake him up and start the day. i don't know why but he makes me different. and i can't explain it and i just don't know what happened to me.

here.

i think it's really good that we have gotten to this point. i mean i am terrified of it; trying not to be. the compromise thing, the saying sweet things, the feeling the way i do, it feels good. i like where we are; here.

can you feel this?

he also told me last night that he was really glad i understood other perspectives. as much as i want to see him, it's been less than two weeks (it will be 2 and a half) since i've seen him and it's been much longer since he's seen his momma and daddy. and i told him i can wait one extra day because i can only imagine how much they miss him. and he was like thank you. thank you for understanding that they miss me instead of being mad and starting a fight about the fact i should see you first. and to me, like yeah as much as i miss him when he's gone, i miss my family too so i know what that's like. i mean if i could see him for even two minutes before he goes home, i would not complain at all but if i have to wait until the next morning, i'll be perfectly fine. he already told me that the day after he gets home, he's alllll mine; well i actually told him i was stealing him that day and he didn't object.

what a beautiful day.

we have reach the point where he may have accepted cute; finally. and we have just been talking like we used to and it's really nice. i really enjoy the fact that i can just talk to someone about anything again. i am really ready for him to come home now though. it's been long enough if you ask me. like the other night he asked me if i'd be home for new years and i asked why and he's like well i don't want to get my hopes up if you're not going to be home. and he doesn't say sweet things like that so it was just really nice to hear.

counting the ways to where you are.

i feel kinda of selfish. and i told him that last night. i was like i think you should stop at my house before you go home on tuesday. i know it's selfish but i just really want to see you. and he was like haha aww you're so cute.

so much for not drinking.

so last night was tsank's birthday and i wasn't feeling great but thought i'd go for a short while.. so went to the bowling alley, bowled a free game (i learned a lot last night) and then was thinking we'd go for a drink at chillli's and go home. however a turned into too many and i was actually quite intoxicated. it's been like over a week and a half, which is quite a long time for me. and then i woke up so late this morning and felt so bad and it's now three o clock and i should be studying.

i don't want you to feel any obligation towards me.

i'd rather you be mean than love and lie.
i'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye.
i'd rather take a blow at least then i would know;
but baby, don't you break my heart slow.

through my eyes.

i also told him about a boy who has been hitting on me so brutally lately. and he uses like the funniest lines and he asked if i thought he was hot. and well i don't really find him attractive, but i didn't want to be mean at all so i didn't really know how to answer. and my writing minded self, came up with uhhhhhhh. so he sends me this picture of him in the mirror trying to show off his 'abs'. baha and by abs i mean ribs. and i actually like burst out laughing. now i know how mean that is, but i couldn't help it. i mean he has a lot to compare to. number twelve is like one of the most ripped boys i've ever actually known and he just is a lot for any other boy to compare to.

honestly he just makes my days.

last night i said i wanted him to come home because it is so effing cold and i hate having to go home alone and this morning i woke up to,
"aww i completely agree; i miss you!"

slide.

i wanna wake up where you are;
i won't say anything at all.

i know it's never been your nature.

you've put yourself in danger cause you're playing with my heart.

profound.

i'm pretty sure that i knew all along he didn't do it. but in a way i kind of wanted to believe he did. i'm always trying to sabotage my happiness because then i can't get hurt. if i ruin it, no one else can. and that just seems so much easier than giving someone else the power to break your heart. and i think that i wanted to believe it's not real and we shouldn't see how it could be because there are so many things to go wrong. and today dragon was like no, you're hurting yourself. every time you push him away the two of you are just breaking your own hearts. not giving it a chance is just breaking your hearts because you both want to know what it could be like because you believe it could really be great.

wow. i feel stupid.

so maybe instead of behing mad for four days i shoud've just talked to him. no, that'd have been far too easy. so today i finally lost it. and he was like um believe what you want but i didn't do that; i specifically remember you asking me not to. and then i was like oh damn (perhaps a more foul word) dragon was right.

alright.

ps i don't really swear often i'm just really quite upset. i apologize. i'm just so flustered i have been avoiding studying because i'm just so angry and i want to talk to you but i didn't feel i should have to initiate conversation after that. and really i shouldn't have. and yeah i get you're trying to sabotage it and so am i (dragon made that pretty clear tonight) but i think we should both just grow up. i'm willing to try and see what we can do together, despite everything. so whad'ya say... on the count of two.

fuck you make me mad.

what was the point of that conversation. that's what i'd like to know. we haven't talked since tuesday, mature; i know. but still like what was the point of that conversation. you learned i'm still mad at you? like obviously i'm still mad at you but that doesn't mean we need to be immature and not talk about it. i believe you are the one that told me you don't just ignore someone and stop talking everytime things get tough. seriously that conversation was a waste of my time. if you want to know why i'm mad or what you can do to fix it, ask. don't just say hi and try and pretend i'm not mad. seriously. you can't even blame me a little bit for being mad about that. it is completely rational in my and everyone else's opinion. so maybe stop trying to drag out the fight and tell me what the heck you want from this instead of sleeping with other girls and lying so that you can push me away just like i am trying to use this as an out to not recognize i have feelings for you. fuck.

i hate this awkward small talk.

eh
hi
how are you
fine and you
good
good
yeah

she's wants to drive your truck with no place to go.

she needs to feel that fire; the one that lets her know for sure,
she's everything you want and more.

and he wonders, why wouldn't you just talk to me?

i can lie to myself better than i can lie to you.

they know you're the one i wanna give it to.

they heard i was good;
they wanna see if it's true.

i should've done the same.

i told him to pleaaasseeee take care of his heart.

taurus.

yet, so incredibly amazing.

cosmopolitan.

i just wanna know what the sitch is. and yet he knows i'm choked with him and he knows i'm not talking for a reason and he also knows he's more stubborn than i am. and that's so frustrating for me. i just don't really understand why he does this. i know he needs to know i care. but we both show it in really different yet subtle ways. neither of us are like bam some fancy way of saying we care. and today, i got the new cosmo and it's stupid because i'm a pretty big believer in astrology and we are like as compatible as can be. and that's not the first time i've read that. i find that incredibly frustrating because i always find myself falling for the taurus boys. and i hate it because they are incredibly flustering.

i got tired of waiting.

i wish he'd say something; anything.

this is just a dream.

this can't be happening to me.

love is a lie.

maybe i'm just really grumpy but i'm having some real trouble with the idea of love. i don't even believe in it anymore. i just don't see how love could possibly work. i thought i was so in love with someone for 4 years. he could make me smile with a single word, or a song, or even seeing his truck. he knew something was wrong before it was and he could fix it with a few words. it was exactly the way love's supposed to be. and then we stopped talking and now i don't even consider crying when i hear the song he learned to play the day after i told him it was my favorite. it doesn't even phase me when i hear the song he rewrote half the lyrics to so it would suit us better. how can love be real.
and then i see a couple who's been together for over a year and a half and she just basically dropped him. and you could see just by the way the looked at each other that they were in love, or what loev is supposed to be. and then in a moment it's just done. and it doesn't even seem to phase her. and i just can't comprehend it. we hurt the people we love most and feel nothing. that cannot be love. love must be some ridiculous notion we make up to just find something to believe in.
and it sounds like a big painful waste of time.

i'm have no heart anymore.

i got through both never be another and she thinks she needs me today without a single tear shed. wow. it really is over.

a tear rolled down her face.

"how was i supposed to know, she was slowly letting go.
if i was putting her through hell, hell i couldn't tell.
she could've given me a sign and opened up my eyes.
how was i supposed to see; she never cried in front of me."

kraft singles.

so i'm not feeling very well and i am laying in my bed thinking how amazing chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese will make me feel. so i finally get upstairs and i'm like aw, no white bread(girl cheese is like the only thing the REQUIRES white bread) so i'm like well i really, really want one i'll have to live with brown bread. and then i go into the fridge and there's no cheese slices. i am now about to have chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese; hold the grilled cheese. i'm actually quite upset about it and it really shouldn't be this upsetting.

johnny and june.

i tried sober, i tried drinking;
i've been strong and i've been weak.
but i still miss you.

it bit me!

oh did i mention jeeps are evil? i got out of big brother's keep tonight and like killed my leg. it's bruised a stupid amount and it's ripped half the skin off through my jeans. yep, sweet; i love scars.

addition.

so funny story. i've only met said new boy(baby ings) once and it was quite some time ago. the situation happened like this.
so i walk in the front door of my sister's house and say hi and i know all of them but one. so ings is like baby baxt this is my little brother, a. and of course baxt is like baby baxt, baby ings, baby ings, baby baxt. oh ps. you two are going to get married one day.
so a little awkward to say the least, especially as i'm wearing my lovely glasses and look like i just rolled out of bed. i don't even remember what he looks like but meh could be an interesting story.

volleyball.

so what do we think of volleyball players? ings little brother plays on the team and my sister(baxt) and ings just think it would be the most grand thing ever. and apparently last night baby ings was like tell her to come over. how do i catch her eye, win her heart. like how cute is that. plus he's a year older so hopefully a little more mature. and his brother is so sexy and like so nice and just like unreal. like love him. soo maybe it's worth a try?
i'm only nervous because most rdc volleyball players are douchebags. like so unbelievably arrogant and just i'm so sweet i walk around in spandex. fyi, not sweet.

if only i could take your hurt away.

i actually had a pretty good night; saw baxt's new pad, had supper with the other sister, casino with big brother, wings with him and the wife, billy's sober watching funny friends, driving the fam, chatting with gg. oh and getting hit on like 400 times tonight while i was wearing my jeans, hoodie and hair in a ponytail; wash and go is a great look some days. (or not shower haha.) i honestly got asked to dance like 4 times in a 10 minute span at blarney. then at billy's, couldn't even count. and claw. but that's common and i heart him. and you know, angry as i am a number twelve, i just still couldn't hurt him like last time. which kind of sucks because stirling is really really sexy and said i was a good luck charm. how great does that sound?

the time i wish i could lie.

i just don't really understand how you can be with someone else like while you were still with him and right after. one of my best friends is a mess because his girlfriend(on a break; who i'm good friends with too) is with another boy. breaking hearts isn't a game. he was like bud i just don't know what to do. i have always told him to take care of his heart. and tonight when i said it again, he said i'll try, but it's hurting a little. and hearing him say that while he's 5 hours away and i'm watching her with the other guy just breaks my heart.

stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known.

you're so naive.

and you wonder why i keep my mouth shut.

"Trying to hide your feelings from someone? Well, then, run like the wind, and avoid them at all costs. If you happen to catch their eye, there'll be no secrets."

virgo.

"Your minor setbacks today shouldn't set you off into a frenzy of worry or hyperactivity. Just take it all in stride and see what comes next -- you're sure to find that life gets better soon enough."

i told you i'm not bulletproof; now you know.

i know that you see what you're doing to me, tell me why.

three letters. w h y.

i just don't understand.

best replacement.

if anyone had to replace sunshine and big brother in the tripod; i'd pick you indefinitely.

sofaking.

i'm really stoked i have my tmgs back. we used to be really close. we'd talk everyday and for some reason, i've never been afraid to confide in him. he used to call me every day and tell me all the things he wishes he had, ask for girl advice, and tell me when he messed up. i'll never forget the maui call. the text saying b, i fucked up. i really need to talk to you. and the phone ringing two minutes later. i really love that kid to death. he always tried to tell me how afraid sunshine was. and that he truly believed sunshine loved me like no other. and maybe that was the false reassurance that kept me around. but at the same time, it was comforting to know that sunshine's best friend could see it too. there was never like a this is awkward kind of thing between us. we just made it work because i was close with sunshine and he was close with sunshine and he was with sichface and i was good friends with her and friends intertwined from there. i think the reason i love the kid so much is because he's so honest, and yet not at all. honest to me. he makes me laugh. he knows me. we can talk. and we can just have a genuinely good time without it being awkward. there's some sort of trust that makes it okay. i am really excited to have this back. yes, sunshine and i aren't friends and right now he isn't with km but i think this might be another time to rekindle our friendship. like when i used to see him in the hallways, he'd stop or move people out of the way so i could have a hug. if he saw me, he knew i had a bad day. if he read a text message, he could tell if i was lying; let alone a phone call. lately we have been hanging out more often but i'm just really glad to have such a great friend back. especially since we can be chill whenever but when we need each other, we're both here. like tonight he's like do you wanna tell me or no. just so supportive and so respectful of the privacy he knows i appreciate. anyways. i just am happy to have him back.

words i couldn't say.

i wanna be with you.

the angel sang a whiskey lullaby.

nobody knew how much she blamed herself. for years and years; she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. she finally drank her pain away a little at a time but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind.

count your blessings.

i'd like to point out that i have some really, really amazing friends. like today dragon and i talked for like almost 2 hours and we just can talk about anything. i really love her. and then i went and had supper with mlr and her momma and mal. and they just made me laugh. and then gg was like bb! and we hung out with hot b and others and like before i left gg gave me like 7 hugs because he knew i was really upset. and then i got home and tmgs bbm'd me and was like bud. what's wrong and we like talked all about why i was so upset and he's like bud that's so shitty. i know you aren't together and you kinda expected it but that was still a shitty thing to do, especially to you because he just knows that i really don't ask a lot. he knows i pretty much let him do whatever he wants and he told me that just wasn't a cool thing to do. and then we decided we can both drink our sorrows away together and make things better. and then brando just like made me laugh. he doesn't even try to make me feel better, he just beaks; as do i. and somehow we end up laughing in the most not funny, inappropriate times. i guess i'm just saying i'm really really thankful for the friends i have.

why does love always feel like a battlefield.

i can't even believe this week. there has been sooo many people breaking up. tmgs and km broke up.. or are "on a break". as did brando and hjr. and then ps and his girlfriend broke up. like i told dragon today that if her and kodiak broke up this week i wouldn't know what to do.

ps.

i never spelt my name wrong; brando refers to me as brook.

the one that always makes me laugh.

ahahahahaha admist my trying to be mad brando gets me everytime. he asked me what was wrong because about 98 percent of the time i'm like happy and fun and he wondered where my cleverness/wit and cockyness went.
i told him i was mad at number 12 because he just loves to drive me up the wall.
he's like man i never knew you guys did that!!!
haha and he did the ONE thing i asked him not to.
he's like really brook, you're setting yourself up.

was she worth this mess?

i can't resist.
before you go tell me this;
was she worth it, was she worth this?

this wasn't a challenge.

why did you have to do the one thing i asked you not to?

if you look a little closer.

i'm so mad i might tell you that it's over.

you lied.

you said you weren't going to break my heart.

you were the one that said he's not me.

all through this i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and you knew that before and you did everything you could to make sure that didn't happen.
and i hurt you, i know i did. and i'm sorry, it wasn't my intention, i was just afraid.
but now i just wonder if this is some sort of sick revenge. i wonder if you're really not who i believed you were but instead you were who they said you were. i just don't really know what to think anymore. i thought i knew you but i don't know anymore.

you always told me to be honest.

as i said before i am not a very demanding person. but i demand honesty. i don't think that asking for the truth, no matter how cold, hard or painful it is; is really too much to ask. and for all of you people who think that by lying you're protecting my feelings; you aren't. i am going to find out. for one, this is a very small town. and just because you don't live here anymore, doesn't mean people don't have my back. i am pretty well friends with most people and maybe it's because i can hear the truth and just accept it or maybe it's the fact i'm approachable, i don't know whatever it is, people tell me things. secrets, insecurities, failures, dreams, mistakes. i hear about it all and you yourself know that.

i can't even look at you.

did i mention that i had to hear it from someone else?

i don't need you.

i'm not a very demanding person. i don't ask much of others. i am extremely high expectations for myself and the people i love. i asked you to wait until i left, at least until you slept with another girl. and tonight; i find out you slept with her while i was stupidly sick because of you while i was a few blocks away.

you are so frustrating. and you know it.

i don't even really have a right to be mad. i knew all along he was sleeping with other girls and i never asked him not to, we never decided on anything or made any committments. i'm not the girl to make a commitment to someone or get attached. to me, we should be able to just hang out. and i'm not a slut by any means, i don't really think losing your virginity at eighteen years old is really slutty; especially when you have legitimate feelings for the person. but still i'm somehow upset. it's not even the fact he slept with another girl. that part doesn't bother me so much. it's that he did the one thing i asked him not to do.

whatcha say.

i'm a firm believer in the things happening the way they are supposed to. and it's sometimes frusterating, but it rarely surprises me. i had a pretty lame night. i'm actually really upset. i'll elaborate later. i just turned on itunes, because it usually knows me pretty well. and all i do is press play(it's on auto shuffle) and the song whatcha say by jason derulo comes on.
"whatcha say, that you only meant well;
well of course you did. "
that doesn't make it okay.

believe in love; just believe in us.

you say you've turned it off, hid your heart up on a shelf;
scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.
'cause loving him you lost too much of yourself.

the news.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. There are kids inside our school fearing for their lives right now. Terrified that someone's going to put a gun in their face and pull the trigger. And you want to know how I'm feeling? Our pain is not a commodity for you. It's not a news bit to boost your ratings, because tomorrow or the next day or the next week when we go back to school, changed forever by a day that will never leave us, where are you going to be? At the next tragedy thrusting your microphone in the face of the next fractured person asking them how they feel? Lady that is not journalism. You are not contributing anything to society. You are buzzards circling the carnage, but you prey on the living. That is how I'm feeling! But something tells me you're not going to air that."

oh whitey

Remember, it’s only in the black of night, that you can see the stars. And no stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, ‘cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get anything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination…

i'm so effortlessly funny.

bahaha i just realized the last blog title was, "i just wanna get lucky".

i just wanna get lucky.

It’s alright to cry over the sad or sometimes silly things we have done out of love. There’s always seconds chances and hope. Every once in a while we step up, we rise above ourselves. Sometimes they surprise us, and sometimes they fall short. But if you look close enough you find hope in the words of your friends, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

do you fall in love with rebounds?

Everytime. But it's not real love. Your head tricks you into it to protect you from the crushing pain your heart is putting you through.

now is the time.

This is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface.

it's a funny feeling.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you cant remember the time of your life when it wasnt. but one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong only because its so unfamiliar and in that moment you realize you're happy!

s this reminds me of you.

I think eventually we learn to define happiness for ourselves on our own terms in spite of the pain that people have caused us.

duke university.

I guess when I watch a game it reminds me that we all have greatness inside of us. You know, on any given day an underdog can rise up. It gives me hope.

seventeen.

Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, that feeling that you get at seventeen that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely, or laughed as hard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like someone else's memory.

are you feeling yoptimal?

They say we leave this world just the way we came into it, naked and alone... So if we do leave with nothing what then is the measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love or is life simply measured by our accomplishments and what if we fail or have never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet inspiration of a life gone wanting drive us mad?

hey i like the pink, better than all the black.

The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it everyday.Everyday we face the same truth, that life is fleading, that our time here is short and to honour the fallen, we must live our own lives well. We must take the high road while we can and allow our common loss to bring us together.

what's your comet.

The boy saw a comet and felt as though his life had meaning and when it went away he waited his entire life for it to return to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, and meaning. There were many who couldn’t understand and sometimes he walked among them... But even in his darkest hours he knew in his heart that it would return to him, and his world would be whole again…and his belief in God, and love, and art would be reawakened in his heart. The realization that we had always been meant for each other and every instinct to the contrary had simply been a denial of the following truth. I was now and would always be in love with him.

marriage.

"Remember tonight for it's the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore and simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds to souls yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space in our hearts."

screw the double standard.

don't be too fat or too thin,
or too dark or too light.
don't be too sexual or too chaste,
or too smart or too dumb.
be yourself; but make sure you fit in.

i cannot do this again.

i think i may have a bit of a crush on said boy's best friend.
fuck.

in the words of children.

it's okay; i forgive you.

every second of every day, it's there. and that's all there is.

"i've talked a lot about forgiveness. as you can imagine, a man like me has to believe in it. but i don't. forgivness doesn't exist. you're simply what you do and how you pay for it. so remember that when you practice whatever evil is in your heart. or when you cheat or steal or lust or hate or gossip or covet or whatever it is you do or you're planning to do or you have done. there is no forgiveness. there is just what comes next. take it from someone who's been there, who is there. there is only pain and guilt. and the misery of knowing who you are and what you did. so don't do it. just stop before it's too late."

oth

we all fail. some of us have the fortitude to pick ourselves up. some of us will never have that. some of us have grace in our hearts and the ability to show compassion. and some of us don't.

and then she was gone.

sometimes i think that we waste our words and we waste our moments and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

come on.

he's a cowboy too??!!!

stirling; see number 12's best friend.

is it bad that the boy i like's best friend is like so incredibly sexy that i want to like jump his bones right now?

we'll call that my bad.

b, you know that everybody has to learn the hard way.
you learned the hard way.
i learnt the hard way; oh ya thanks for that by the way.

uncertainty.

i really don't know what to think. i mean he is sending me some crazily mixed signals. and i just wonder if it's cause he is the exact same as me. unsure and scared. he doesn't want to get hurt again and neither do i. and i think that's why he says things like he does. to make it like he doesn't care when he has already shown me he does. i think he knows he can say anything and i'll still care because i know he's him. and that's enough for me. we both know it's there and we are both so afraid to admit it because that would mean that there's a chance we could get hurt. i know he's going to force me to say something first. it's who he is and especially after last time. he needs me to step up. i just don't know.

the future is brighter.

"missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

he had to let me go.

baby you know everything, tell me why you couldn't see; when i left i wanted you to chase after me.

here's to silence that cuts me to the core.

we decided relationships are silly, and both completely agreed. but of course the conversation couldn't end there. so we kept talking. first he defended himself; you know if i actually cared about a girl or was in a real relationship, i wouldn't cheat on her. i'd be entirely faithful. and of course i know it's true. if he was really into a girl, he would treat her amazingly and cheating wouldn't cross his mind. it didn't cross his mind. he then continued the conversation reminding me that i have to put myself out there, i have to say what i really want. he then tried to argue with me, knowing that he was right and brought up the fact that i keep everything inside and never tell anyone. of course he'd keep talking and he said that the idea of seeing someone is so much better. not only do you avoid the label "relationship" and the ones that go with it such as "girlfriend, boyfriend, ball and chain, wife, douchebag, prick," but you also can be together without things changing. you can commit to someone that's far away because you truly care about them and you want to be with them. and that's enough, you shouldn't have to change. you can just hang out and do what you want. you care about the person, that should be enough. nothing else should matter. but it all starts with actually telling the person you care. it's that simple.
and i said nothing. silence.
he gave me the opportunity to have exactly what i want. to be together, hang out when we can, not hook up with other girls, to essentially be dating without the label and see where it goes. and i never said anything. all i had to say was babe, i'm into you. and i could have had exactly what i want. and i couldn't find any words. silence.
he paused. he knew i wanted to say something, anything. so he wrapped his arms around me again and held me so tight i never thought he'd let go.

senator mccallister, i want you.

"it's this. it's just sitting here together, in a waiting room, both of us trying to pretend that we're not scared. that's love. not being able to concentrate writing a speech about the beauty of love because you're so scared that you might lose it; and nothing would ever be the same. and realizing that the one place, the one place that you feel most you is when you are lying next to her; just breathing."

on the count of two.

how about we do this together; on the count of two.
wait, on the count of two? nobody goes on the count of two.
yeah i know, it'll be our thing; something to tell the grandkids about.

photogenic.

do you ever wonder why some people are sooo good looking in pictures and then you see them and you're like uh... what happened to you? and then you see someone who's like sooo attractive and you see a picture of them and you are like how is that even the same person?

you try to speak, but you make no sound.

we talked for hours. hours and hours and hours this weekend. it has been so long since we talked like that. just laying in his arms, not afraid to say anything. i told him i wasn't afraid to hurt his feelings if it meant i told him the truth; and at first, he was like ouch. and then i reminded him that he isn't afraid to hurt mine either and he knew it was the truth. there is nothing that we can't say to each other, especially at that time. and we both know it. it is the time when i'm most comfortable and relaxed; a calm rushes over me. and i know i can say anything and he will just listen and tell me what he honestly thinks.
so how come when he gave me the opportunity to say exactly what i wanted, i couldn't say anything?

thanks dear.

he reminded me to just be.
to just live.
to just enjoy.
to just have fun.
to just be happy.
to just laugh.
to just be me.

the moisture of a kiss.

i do this so, this world will know that it will not change me.

here's what you've been waiting for.

relationships.
relationships are waaay too complicated for me. for us. we both are on about the same page when it comes to the idea of a relationship. the label of a relationship changes things. it makes people act differently. the label of girlfriend is derogatory; the wife, the bitch, the ball and chain. i don't want that label thank you. he made such a good argument. i mean in all honesty, the label relationship changes things; it changes expectations and it changes everything. it takes away from the idea of just being. if we want to be together we should be able to just be. and i'm really glad he reminded me of that. not because i wanted a relationship but because i just wanted to know where we stood. and it's pretty clear we're standing together.

complicated is an understatement.

love is complicated.

another round of applause please.

well, you guessed it.
i effed myself over... again.

lost, faith hill.

itunes, i'm afraid you know me too well.

i love you tmgs. with my whoooolllleeeee heart!

i cannot believe they are on a 'break'.
remember my previous blog about what to do if said best friend's gf is kissed by another boy.
holy f i never thought i'd see this day.

if only you know my true writing abilities.

oh and apparently i have been assigned more writing for publication.
new questions:
1. What determines the ethical base of society?
2. Is it impossible to be alone in a crowded room?

i'm actually quite excited because i find both of these questions very easy to respond to.

smiling uncontrollably.

he's just so cute. today he was just all about when i would be there tomorrow. like he was like and will phlg be there or do i get to see you first. and just so cute with the simplest what time are you going to be here. plus he was upset he had to wear clothes. haha i think that's the only thing he doesn't like about winter. it's cold meaning he can't walk around in next to nothing or nothing. and he has to have blankets on too. how awful must it be for someone with such a gorgeous body to have to cover up in the winter. actually, if i was that ripped, i'd probably walk around with no clothes on too. and then he tried to make me feel better about the fact that he was going to sleep for me right now and that my life would be better tomorrow even though i have to get up early because i got to see him.

procrastination.

whoever decided that an essay outline was a cool final assignment was seriously wrong. 

not only do i hate essay outlines but it has to include citations. that's garbage, maybe i'm just really smart and make up my own opinions.

sometimes i can't explain and i'm so sorry that i can't.

i've seen your act and i know all the facts;
i'm still in love with who i wish you were.
it ain't hard to see who you are underneath;
i'm still in love with who i wish you were.
i wish you were here.

you know it will always just be me.

i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch,
a better fuck then any girl you'll ever meet;
sweetie you had me.

tyler hilton.

everytime i think of you, i always catch my breath
i'm still standing here and your miles away
and i wonder why you left me
and there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight.
i hear your name in certain circles
and it always makes me smile
i spend my time just thinkin about you
and its almost driving me wild.
but it's my heart that's begging down this long distance line tonight;
and i ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no matter what i might say.
there's a message in the wires and I am sendin' you a signal tonight
you don't know how desperate i've become
and it looks like i'm loosing' this fight
but it's my heart that's breakin' down this long dusty road of mine
bt I ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i aint missin' you at, no matter what my friends say
and there's a message that i'm sendin' out
like a telegraph to your soul, i can't bridge this distance
honey, stop this heartache overload.
i ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no matter what my friends say
i ain't missin' you, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin you, yeah, no matter what your friends say
hey yeah, yeah yeah yeah
i ain't missin you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no.

dear itunes, enough with the tyler hilton.

so aside from the fact that the tyler hilton has been dead on each and every time, it's really starting to bother me a bit. i mean tyler knows what he's talking about for sure. but he reminds me of sunshine a little bit. sunshine hates tyler hilton because tswift thought he was such a lovely person she decided to put him in her 'teardrops on my guitar' video. therefore, to sunshine tyler broke taylor's heart and he is a horrible person. sunshine loves tswift more than i do and that;s saying something. we would argue all the time about tyler hilton, i'd purposely put that song on and be like oh i just love tyler hilton. i actually enjoyed arguing with sunshine, thoroughly enjoyed it. and he'd be like no, he broke her heart, he's a douche. and we would argue continuously for quite some time and i always tried to point out that he's actually a really great singer, he has a good voice, good lyrics. i see no problem. and obviously tswift wouldn't put him in her video if he broke her heart. come on, his name is tyler, not drew. geez.

indecision.

i wish i didn't have to be like the most indecisive person in the whole world. i mean good luck to any country i ever run. everytime i finally figure out what i want i like step back and i'm like well but this, this, this, and that could go very, very wrong. and then i am like well is it worth what i want. and then i fall into this contemplation stage that last me like forever. or so long that by the time i reach some sort of conclusion it's basically null and void and doesn't matter anymore.
i wish i could be one of those people that is like i want this, and go for it. just jump in head first and not look back. i could close my eyes and forget all the consequences and just really live. well we all have fairytales right.

interesting. i didn't know there was an 'us'

i just don't know how this is going to work.
like with us?

frustration.

i just wish that for once things could work out the way i'd like, the way i planned.

you are a douchebag.

well isn't it convenient you just happened to leave that out.

i was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance.

i had so many dreams about you and me
happy endings, now i know;
i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.
i'm not the one you sweep off your feet.

stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known.

my mistake,
i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.

you'll ask for me.

i am what you see; i am not what they say
but if i turned out to be, could you love me anyway?

why does doing the right thing always feel so bad?

doing the right this takes courage and strength.
and anything that hard is only made more difficult by not having your best friends by your side.
i'm sorry you had to go through it alone.

whatcha say.

dear number twelve,

what would you say if i said i wanted to be with you. i'm not actually saying that because to be honest i don't really know what i want. i just need to know if there's a chance we could ever be something again or if this is just the way it's always going to be. we have changed a lot, both of us. and now i guess i just want to know if it's ever in the stars for us t try it again or if it's just going to be like that feeling you get when you see an old friend, one that you haven't seen in so long that you feel this sense of calm come over you because you know they're okay at the same time as butterflies tickling the inside of your stomach because you are just so happy to see them. 

please tell me if you think i should say something or just let it go. 

on the topic of lethbridge.

i'm actually pretty nervous about thursday. 

i mean i'm quite excited to see ts and phlg and  antelope hunter and of course number twelve but i'm also like really nervous about antelope hunter and number 12. antelope hunter was better in the last week or so but he seemed quite unimpressed with me last time.. i mean i don't blame him because if we did kiss like i bbm'd my sister then i am just a baaad person. i can't keep doing that to him, poor kid. it was skanky the first time and now it's just mean. i mean really, kiss him and wake up in his best friend's bed. (i just realized how slutty that sounds; which is weird because i am so not like that). but now there like who knows what with number twelve and nothing with antelope hunter except like just loving the kid to death cause he's so funny. 

but what do i do about number twelve. like right now even if i was like i'm not going to sleep in his bed, we'd know that was a lie. and if was like yeah he's not going to hug me until i cry, well we know that's a lie too. i just don't know whether i should say anything, like if we should have a conversation about what we are or if i should just let it go because i really don't know what i want. i mean obviously i'm into him but i also know how many things are standing in the way and how awful the timing is. i know i should just let it play out how it's supposed to and i want to do that because what's supposed to happen, will. but i am just so torn as to whether or not i should even gauge where his head's at or just be what we are.

i just need a number twelve hug.

i really don't want to write this paper. 

what i want is to skip today and tomorrow and just have it be thursday.

storytime.

so i woke up at 630 for school and i was like aahhh i so do not want to go to class, i just wanna sleep. so then i decided to just sleep for like 20 minutes and not get a coffee this morning. then i get up and walk into the bathroom and i'm like uh-oh. my lights wouldn't turn on... so i try to turn on the bedroom light, nothing. walk out into the other room(naked i might add) haha and still nothing. so i try to look under my door and still there's no light shining and i was like this is soo weird. so i put on a hoodie and open my door just a crack to peek into the hallway and it's pitch black! i was like oh that's it. it's a sign. i'm going back to bed. and i did.

sex like runs your life. holyy.

dear people above me,

please learn to engage in quieter activities at quarter to two on a tuesday morning. 

it would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

sincerely,

b.

i never said good bye.

i wish i had've just given him a hug and said goodbye.

it starts with goodbye.

i hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
but i knew i had to do it and he wouldn't understand.
so hard to see myself without him,
i felt a piece of my heart break
but when you're standing at a crossroad
there's a choice you gotta make;

i guess it's gonna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gonna have to cry
and let go of some things i've loved to get to the other side
i guess it's gonna break me down, like falling when you have to fly
it's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.

old movie binge.

stepmom, check.
a cinderella story, check.
pretty woman, in progress.
wizard of oz.
alice in wonderland.
101 dalmatians
pearl harbour

pretty woman.

welcome to hollywood,
everybody that comes to hollywood 'got a dream;
what's your dream?

when i think of you, i don't know what to do.

i miss you like crazy, even more than words can say
i miss you like crazy, every minute of every of every day.

brushfire fairytales.

slow down everyone; you're moving too fast.
frames can't catch you when you're moving like that.

but the truth is baby; if you could read my mind.

it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

got away by some mistake

somehow you remain lost so deep inside.

if you asked me how i'm doing i'd say just fine.

not a day goes by that i don't think of you.
after all this time, you're still with me, it's true.

somewhat golden like the afternoons.

and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic;
but when i say let's keep in touch, i really mean i wish that you'd grow up.

just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.

these streets will make you feel brand new;
big lights will inspire you.

i care too much.

i wish i didn't feel guilty for things i shouldn't feel guilty for. like doing things for myself. i feel so guilty when i take time for myself and i really shouldn't because i rarely ever do it. i feel guilty when i don't put everyone else first. i feel guilty when i don't feel bad for someone. i feel bad that i don't feel bad. if i don't support everyone else, i feel guilty. and i just wish i could shake that feeling.

what can i say to convince you to change your mind, of me.

if you need a friend, i'll be around.
don't let this end before i see you again.

i hate myself for loving you.

in spite of everything that you said to me,
i will always love you.

i feel bad that i don't feel bad.

there are things about you that i miss sunshine.
but i don't miss the unhappiness.
and i wouldn't take it back if i could.

i don't know if i want to.

can you fix it?

i just can't hear it.

i wish i could follow my heart.

maybe that's all that matters.

in spite of everything, i still love you.

what do you do when you lose yourself.

i'm glad you're okay but all of this needs to stop. i need you to figure that out and i'm really afraid of what might happen if you don't figure it out cause i miss the old you. i miss the you that would rather stay in an play video games than stay out all night without calling. and i miss the you that cared about her real friends and worked hard at her job, i miss that you. i want her back.
i still love you.

a heart don't forget somthing like that.

the m e m o r y of the first love never fades away.

it's desperate; not moral.

the world is a dangerous place and we must learn to defend ourselves from those who want to hurt us; that stranger without a name, an employer who holds a grudge, the husband who won't let go. yes, we all try to defend ourselves so we won't get hurt; until we realize our pain can hurt someone else.

hahaha OOPS!

bahahahahaha i'm so funny. i completely forgot that when you tag a picture on facebook it notifies the person who's picture it is. so i just spent like 10 or 15 minutes tagging some japan photos that are from sunshine. and we have spoken oh i don't know maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 2 months... (not at all for about 6 weeks in the middle) and he just got notified oh i don't know at least 40 times on his blackberry. then i get a message saying "good gosh, going to town on the damned tagging!"
sorry, we'll call that my bad.
hahaha i hate so much when that happens.

in conclusion

basically, we convince ourselves we hate the entire scene of dating because it is so much easier to not be in one and just hook up. this means less chance of falling for someone and getting a broken heart. plus it's far less effort.
also, even if we become the two happiest girls in the entire world, we will always carrying the 'what if' feeling. and there will always be something missing.

words with phlg

yeah well what do i say?... number twelve, what if i said i wanted to be with you?
yes! just do it! like nike!
i just don't know if i want to be with him. i mean i do, to a degree; i just know it would be really hard and i, like you don't wanna get hurt.
oh but b as you so gently pointed out earlier, the biggest risks have the biggest payoffs.

what if i said i wanted to be with you.

i wonder what he'd say this time.

can people really change?

she said that she doesn't think people change. and it got me thinking.
i think people can change to a certain degree; but at the same time, there are some things that at the end of the day, you are who you are and it's probably who you've always been.

everyone but me.

"every girl wants to be the asshole that the asshole changes for...
except me of course; i was that girl and i fucked it up".

benefit of the doubt.

phlg and i had like the crazziesst conversation last night. like actually. my bbm can only keep record from like after 1pm it was so intense. we talked about giving people second chances and like relationships and all the crazy things we've both told ourselves to ensure we believe we can be happy without someone else. and it reminded me that her and i are more alike that i recognize sometimes. we both have been so hurt that we push people out of our lives if that have too much influence on us. we push away people that care about us because it always ends it hurt. and we both have mad trust issues. i realized myself telling her things that i should really do myself and if i don't then what do my words mean. i'm just a hypocrite.
she told me that she feels like when we aren't joking around that i just knock her down. and i was kinda choked she said that. i was like no i'm being honest. i'm honesty sucks sometimes and sometimes we are both hurt by each others honesty. and yeah i know her biggest flaws(and she knows mine) but i also know he best attributes as well and i love her in spite of those things because that's what best friends do.
i mean how many people in your life can you say man no matter what i know she(he) has MY best interest at heart. it's naive to believe that most people have your best interest at heart because in reality most people are inherently selfish. and i told her i'm not going to sugarcoat it, and i said you know that no matter what i say or do, no matter how much it hurts you, i really have your best interest at heart. and she was like yeah i know you do, i'm sorry; you're right if your best friend can't tell you the truth, who can. best friends always want to give the benefit of the doubt.
i said maybe you should give someone other than a best friend the benefit of the doubt.
and she said maybe you should too.

it''s that uneasy feeling.

say that you wanna be with me too.

the benefit of the doubt.

what's another chance.

age differences blow.

is it bad that i like a good friend's sister better than her?
i just feel like we are more alike. we are both much more passive and let things just happen sometimes. and she over reacts so much and we are like meh oh well. like yeah that sucks but you can't change it. i find her really easy to talk to and not intimidating. she confides in me and i'm not afraid to confide in her. i like trust her more than you. and that kinda sucks like a lot.

cooperation versus confrontation.

how can i be a cooperative person who tries to like avoid confrontation until necessary always be dragged into it. i am not stubborn but it seems every time that i just let it go someone keep poking at me. i'm like okay and they are like no its not okay and try to drag out and overexaggerate the issue and i am just like seriously let it go. it's not that big of a deal, if you need to win so badly, you win. because i of course don't know what i'm talking about. or when i'm like never mind it doesn't matter and he's like no it does matter. say what you were gonna say. and i just want to be like no why do we have to fight.
ahh i'm so frustrated.

i need a retreat.

i am so drained. physically drained. mentally drained. emotionally drained. i am seriously just drained, drained, drained. sometimes i feel like i just need a break. i don't want to talk to anyone because i feel like i'm supposed to have the answers to everything. like i'm an 18 year old girl, i'm struggling too. and i should probably confide more and ask for help but most friendships don't go both ways and that means that i am like trying to fix everyone else's problems so i don't have to face mine. i like being the friend that can be confided in without judgement and in confidence but sometimes i just want to be like honestly, i just need a break. grow up, it's not the end of the world, get over it. but i can't actually say that. i'm such a pushover when it comes to that i'm just like oh what, you're immature and still love creating drama, please tell me how i can politely tell you that is a stupid thing to be upset about. sometimes people overreact so much and i just don't know how to be like honestly, why do you care. you're 18 not 12. let it go.

my life revolves around killing people or saving the world.

i think i'm going to shut my phone off. just ignore everyone and retreat for a bit. like i'm so drained and i just don't know how come i always am the friend to go to. i like being that person most of the time but sometimes i just like need a break. i need to breathe.

false reassurance.

so what do you do when your best friend asks you about the character of a person and then said person goes and kisses your best friend's girlfriend at the bar in a drunken stupor after you reassure best friend that said person is a good guy and wouldn't ever hit on best friend's girlfriend.

hearts are too painful.

she said follow your heart; i say follow the yellow brick road.

why do i do these things that i do to myself

please don't break my heart.

i reeeaaallllyyy need to stop drinking so much.

1- it's expensive
2- it's murdering my liver
3 - i do really stupid things sometimes
4 - i say really stupid things sometimes
5 - i wake up with a foggy memory

alcohol, you are my kryptonite.

i need to stop drinking so much.

why do hockey players have to be so damn attractive.

b, he's a hockey player.
he's 18 years old.
he's in university.
he lives in a different city.
he's sleeping with other girls.
give your head a shake.

all i really want is you.

so baby if you know e v e r y t h i n g,

tell me why you couldn't see

when i left, i wanted you to

chase after me.

funniest conversation ever.

do you think i should get the morning after pill?
bahahahahahaha i think you should do what you want. BUT a condom would have been a much simpler choice. we can hope you're not extremely fertile.
i did use a condom, it broke bitch.
haha well it's up to you, i'd loving having two little ones running around in the next year but i'm not sure you're the best candidate for the second gapher
but i don't wanna go up to someone; excuse me can i have the morning after pill please
i would pay bbiiggg money to see that
yeah man but how shitty would it be if my ego got prego

ahahahahahahahahahahaha
gosh we are funny.

i love family channel.

i just love it. for the most part, lame as it is, its entertaining in a not sexually centered way. there's no profanity and it's just so family oriented. it's calming.

6 years later.

dear phlg,
you epitomize class.
you won the bet; if even only by a few short weeks.
tou che.

you never know how fleeting that happiness might be.

a very short time ago i said i wish i could cry but i just couldn't. and i assumed that that meant i had no feelings at all, that i'd become numb. i was wrong. i'm not numb i just don't know how to feel about this one thing i can't remember the last time i felt. this feeling is genuine happiness. and i think when you've been unhappy for so long, happiness is such an unsettling feeling. it is such an unknown feeling that i don't really know how to handle it. instead i'm looking for ways that i'm not happy, i'm just waiting for something to sabotage that happiness. it's kind of sad when you have been so unhappy for so long, so miserable for so long that you can't recognize happiness; that you can't just enjoy that happiness. well i'm happy, i like this feeling and i'm going to just let go and
be happy.

never judge a book by it's cover.

and yes, i learned my lesson in not underestimating people and expecting things that are unexpected.

when life gives you lemons

the craaazziestt thing happened to me last night.
so sunshine's parents were there, obviously, and his mom ask my dad where i was. and when my dad said that i was like what. really. weird. now you might think well your best friend's parents haven't seen you in a long time, obviously they'd ask how you were. but in the context of this situation, re: the not speaking for 6 weeks thing... baffles my mind. i find this mind boggling because he tells his mother everything. like i mean everything. and when the person you've spent the last three years being best friends with just up and tells you to not talk to them anymore, you'd think they would tell their mother. apparently, he's changed.
anyways, i saw her and said hi but she was in a conversation and i didn't want to interrupt so i just kept walking and decided i'd see her later. i asked big g to tell mommy b that her dress was absolutely gorgeously breathtaking. (it was like a sort of beige ish top half with a little bit of ruffle but in a simply elegant way, very fitted with black from slightly above the waste down, like a model's dress actually... and it was probably like a marc jacobs or something dress to top it off). but he said no you better find her, she'd rather hear it from you; which really meant, i'm terribly sorry but i'm probably going to forget that so i'm sure she'd appreciate you telling her yourself. so i semi-looked for her for awhile, just kind of hoping i'd see her but that never happened so me being me, i sent her a text message. and she's all cute like where are you, i'm by the stage! so eventually i see her near the very end of the evening but being her well-known, lovely self, she was surrounding by a see of people. finally there was only one or two other people around so i go so i can actually have a conversation with her. she's like OH MY GOSH you look GORGEOUS and gives me a big mommy b kind of hug(i really miss those). and she's just like honestly one of the most genuine people i've ever met, and i can say that because she was probably half cut like everyone else at that dinner and she's just a geuinely thoughtful person. like my grad gift for example and the way she tried to hide it. so last night we got to have a nice chat and she was so interested in my well being even if it didn't include her son and to me, that's incredible. so then jw is there and he is like one of the funniest people around. just like rich, arrogant and to me extremely hilarious. (i don't appreciate people who are not nice to other people, but i can only truly judge someone on the way they treat me) so he was like uhh brooke wtf where is my hug?? and so i gave him a big hug and got to talk with them and he's like uh why aren't we facebook friends or anything like this is silly, i'm hurt. and then out of nowhere just like lets go drink more. ahahaha and i just think they are so fantastic. they truly are a wonderful family and i was just so not expecting the evening to go like that.

i love f of t

so i went to the preview dinner, so unbelievably fun!! i got to see antelope hunter's mommy and daddy, whom i fell in love with all over because they are just so welcoming maybe. i'm not sure the word, but when i'm with them i feel like i am a part of the family, they make sure i know i am welcome and they just are such cute and nice and i love that family. then there is big daddy bahahaha my second father who is absolutely hilarious and i can't wait until saturday when i get to do that part all over. oh and ps his wife, when not with the little ones is absolutely hilarious, i know understand why they are married.

i wish i could cry.

you know how invigorating a really really good cry is?
it's refreshing and washes away everything. i just want to let it all go. but i can't. nothing comes out. it's like i have no feelings whatsoever. nothing.

writer's conference.

dear mr. m,
i feel like i'm off track again. i was doing really well for awhile. i was completely over him; in fact i'm pretty sure i just feel like he should be in my life cause he was such a big part of my past. and i feel shaken. i know that it is right around the time that you would send me home and tell me being at school was a waste of my time. then i'd be called into that stupid computer room and probably end up pouring my heart out and fighting with everything inside me to keep back the tears. i know this about the time i finally broke down. after three months you finally got me to cry. it was the most embarrassing and refreshing thing that happened to me in a long time. and i was writing so much and feeling so good about it. and i feel like writing, not this writing but my actual published/ in the process of publication writing is like gone. 'the well' as you so commonly referred to it as has run dry. i don't know how to fix this problem, but it seems severe. please help.
sincerely,
brooke

6:30am comes early

i'm going to regret this tomorrow.

do you blame me for being jealous.

boy+ex-girlfriend(who has repeatedly hit on him since and has told me she thinks he is just soooooo sexy and tried to be friends with me and has told me about stories about them having sex)+ girl who's in love with him(who he hooked up with to spite me)+ girl who hates me more than any other person in the world(and tried everything in her power to keep him away from me during and after we were together)= a pretty good flipping reason to be jealous.

oh did i mention they are in dorm rooms with excessive amounts of alcohol.
fuck.