there's gotta be something more

there's gotta be something more,
gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard times
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
taking a chance I might find what I'm looking for...

studio 54

Oh and just to top off my night... I am going to get drunk again tonight. It`s the first studio of the year.. better be a good one.


FYI: this was supposed to post on thursday night. I am notttt getting drunk on a sunday night

Flight 93 and one of the best girls I know.

I went to the library today haha felt good to be home. I also went to the gym.. super half-assed it but I haven't worked out in a bit so I didn't want to be hurting tomorrow. It was a pretty good day actually. I got my prescription and had some dinner and I was watching criminal minds and it just so happened that Flight 93 was on after and I wasn't paying attention and now I am recording it and completely intrigued. I forgot it was 10 years tomorrow. It's a pretty big thing if you think about it. Last year when we went to New York, we went to ground zero and I honestly can't put into words what the energy is like there. It's so intense how many innocent souls are just there and the church across the street has like a million memories and badges and photographs etc. It's just insane. 9 years later and it's not even close to being rebuilt. I'm a bit nervous for tomorrow to be perfectly honest. There are insane people out there that thrive of the idea of being remembered and tomorrow would be a brutal way to do that.
Tomorrow is also the 7 year anniversary of HJR's brother dying. I felt so bad today because she mentioned it and she doesn't know if she's gonna go to sask tomorrow and visit the spot. I tried to remind her that M is watching over her every day and that he will take care of her on her trip and that he knows she misses and loves him. She felt a bit better but I can't even imagine how hard that's gotta be. Like if one of my sisters died, it would legitimately be the death of me. I don't honestly think I would ever get over it. I wish I could give HJR a big hug and tell her how wonderful she is. She genuinely cares about people from the bottom of her heart and she is just a wonderful person. Tomorrow is close to her heart because her dad is a firefighter too. It's just crazy how interconnected this world is.
Anyways I can't take my eyes off this movie so I'll post later.

weird.

Oh, and PS I had fucked dreams last night. bahahahah I dreamt I married a girl (who knows why, I swear I'm not a lesbian) because afterwards I consumated my marriage by sleeping with number twelve. hahahahahaha I know fucked right. Oh well, as always, the dream ended in his arms. Which is hopefully the way God has planned my life. (The ending in number twelve's arms... not the lesbian wedding).


And for the record, I have nothing against homosexual relationships, they are just not for me.

nerd alert

I think I'm going to head to the library today and the gym. I like the idea of spending some time early on in the semester and hopefully keeping my days balanced etc. so that I don't get overwhelmed. Besides.. what else would I do today. I want to get a job but I feel like that's a job for monday morning since I don't have class until 3.
Well I guess that means off to the shower for this girl. Later gators.

I still miss you.

alright, it's setting in. I don't regret what I did on Wednesday, but I do really miss number twelve. It's the little things I miss most. I was looking back at old pictures of us (poor choice) and it just reminds me of all the things we did. I can look at a picture of us and know absolutely everything about that night. I think that's what is hard.. I just love everything about him, about us.
Antelope hunter and I had a chat last night about summer and I feel better to know that he wasn't trying to be mean he was just always with number twelve. I'm happy they're really good again but I'm sad that I never got to be apart of our little triangle. I used to have such a great time with those boys doing absolutely nothing. We would make food after their hockey games or go about doing our daily to-do list together. It was just really good and I miss it.
Hopefully everything will work itself out.

moving on.

So I kinda had a woops last night... I went to Earls for dinner with NC and MW and some of the girls then they went home and I went to Blarney Stone and met a girl I've been in classes with all of last year, JN. She's pretty entertaining and her friends were nice too. I was just going to go for a drink or two but then she bought me a shot and THEN RD showed up. So we were chatting and drinking, I also had a good chat with NE (NC's roommate) and he was really nice. And then RD and I drank like a lot together.. like waaay too many shots and my sister was like seriously stay the f away from her.. keep your hands off my baby sister etc. and him and I had a good laugh about it. Only JN and her friend left and I was still drinking and having a good time and I kind of ended up giong home with RD.
I actually had a really fun time last night. I like his friends. AE is also a huge black dude that could drop any-mother-fucker. hahahahahahah I don't know. I feel like as skanky as it was, I'm better today than I have been in a really long time. After everything with number twelve this was just kind of a ``I`m fucking done`` thing.
Well, you know what they say... The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

slow down, close your eyes, and just enjoy the ride.

I don't have class today, just a seminar at four. So NC and I are going to get our books and food cards etc. and I think go for lunch. I'm a little bit nervous about this situation. I really don't want to get fucked over again. I wish she would accept me for me being her friend instead of being number twelve's ex-girlfriend or his friend. When she was drunk the other night she said a bunch of stuff about how I'm her friend independently from number twelve and why we're such good friends, etc. I just wish she'd acknowledge it or realize that it really bothered me that she ignored me the whole summer ( I tried twice). I guess I will see how it goes. I hope that the other night shows her that  appreciate her as a friend and not just number twelve's sister, whether he likes it or not.
I suppose because she is number twelve's sister, I take everything more personal with her. It seems like, I didn't do something to her but her brother so she's mad. But I'm confused because I have been really nice to number twelve, just honest for a long time now and it's me who been repeatedly hurt. I guess I'm tired of him making everything out to be my fault when it's not. It is and always will be a two-way street. Every relationship or friendship for that matter takes two. Well I have to go get ready, but wish me luck.

breathe.

I have had the worst headache for like the last three days and I don't know why. My sister said it's likely stress and dehydration. I feel stressed outbut I'm not exactly sure what about. I'm feel like I have so much to do but I do not. Everything for school is done, except buying my textbooks which won't take long. I don't always like buying them before class but I guess I can always take them back. NC and I are supposed to go tomorrow so that should be good. I think that I feel stressed because I am usually so last minute but this year I was here a day early and settled and then I had another day today to get everything done and now tomorrow I have no classes, just a seminar.
I think I'm gonna go look for a job today but we'll see. I'm exhausted right now and I want my head to stop hurting. I took a nap today but I am still so tired. Tomorrow I'll hopefully go to the gym and get my books and get some homework done for my Athabasca class.
I'm in bed watching some one tree hill hoping I'll fall asleep soon.

if you still love me, don't just assume I know.

We keep saying that we're okay,
but I don't want to settle for good, not great.

damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive.

I'm pretty flustered with a lot of friends right now. I'm really happy that I'm geting back to hanging out with PD and AM and I actually really like DK as well despite the fact we have less of a history. The other boys are there for me when I need them and that's what matters. Even SC was super nice to me when I saw him the other night as well. I'm annoyed with antelope hunter because I feel like he's been treating me different on account of  number twelve and it's not fair. I am always the one that's there for people, it's why NC called me because she knew I'd come through. And I am tired of just letting people use me, you know? I feel like they take advantage of the fact that I am the reliable one, the solid foundation, the strong one. I am always the one that is strong for everyone else... but who is strong for me?
I guess that's why I feel in love with number twelve. he always used to tell me that he wanted to be strong for me because I was always strong for everyone else. And for a long time, he was my rock. But right now I guess life is telling me I need to be strong for myself.

one day you'll see I was worth it all.

Well I'm all moved in, bought all my school stuff except books, my room is completely unpacked, I have groceries and a printer. I'm all settled in. I guess it's time to tell you everything I've been avoiding facing.
I had a really fun time at my party. Prior to that I had a horrible experience on my vacay including a death of a 17 year old boy right in front of me. Number twelve and I started fighting again because I'm just so tired of him telling me he cares and showing me the exact opposite. Both silence and actions speak much louder than words and that's where I'm at now.
On Friday we had the staff party and I dressed up like Alan from the hangover (I know I am effing hilarious). I actually was really upset after it. JC ended up getting the scholarship and I really felt like after all my years and hard work there that I deserved it. But apparently they think otherwise and it just kind of solidified that my time there is done. Also, when I was out I saw PP. I think he's gone to camp this week and hopefully he'll make the NHL this year. He comes from an interesting family to say the least, but he is honestly a really nice guy. I bought him a teuila and he's like oh B, I can't I have camp this week and I'm like I don't care if you're some big hockey player, take the shot. And the ZG was paying for a drink for each of us and he handed her some cash and she's like nah I got it. He arugued and she uttered something along the same lines. Needless to say him and I ended up having a 15 minute heart to heart (that I remember NONE of) and I'm assuming I basically said you're a great guy, I effin love you, you're a good person blah blah. hahah embarrassing. Oh well. He is a very good looking, really nice and good guy.
Saturday was a whole nother story. I worked until like 11:30 at a wedding and then I went to DK's house to meet PD and AM and DK and they were really funny. Except DK is dating MK and I find her soo annoying someimes. She is so whiny and I don't exactly know why he's dating her. But anyways I took PD and C to the bar and it was majorly lame so we left. Then I went home and went to bed and it was like 1:30. So I finally fall asleep and then I get this call from NC (number twelve's) sister. And I was like wtf she stopped talking to me all summer and ignored my texts etc. Why the f is she calling me at 2:30 am??
So me being me, I answered the phone and she was bawling her eyes out and flipping out about how number 12 and antelope hunter took her out and how she is so drunk and doesn't know where she is or what bar they went to and why she's so drunk and blah blah. And so again, me being me I go pick her up. Then I get her in the car and she started puking like a disgusting amount and she's thanking me excessively. Finally I get ahold of number twelve and I'm like where the fuck are you. Get the fuck outside. I have your sister, let's go. So I get to lotus and he comes up to the car and tries to tell her to come out and she is too drunk to function so she's like no I'm staying with B. I only trust her. You left me. And having a yelling match with him. And I'm like seriously C, get in the fucking car. Then some stupid broad comes up and starts telling N and I what to do and I just drove away. So I get NC to her house but she doesn't have her keys and she's too afraid of her parents to ring the doorbell or anything that might wake them up because she is beyond retardly drunk. In this time number twelve has called/texted/ N and I thanking me and I was like fuck you. And he was just ugh. I took N to my house because she was so afraid of her parents and number twelve was still being a dick. Then SH calls N's phone and says she wants to talk to me and she starts telling me to take N home and their parents won't be mad etc. And I was like okay it has absolutely nothing to do with you so stay the fuck out of it and hung up. Like I dated the kid for 3 fucking years, I think I know his parents better than you sweetheart. I was so annoyed. Then I got her in my house and she was permanently attached to the toilet. After 2 hours of non-stop violent puking I called her mom and she came and got her.
Next day number twelve texts me and says hey thanks for taking care of N and I'm sorry if I said anything I shouldn't. My response was basically this: "For the first time in a long time, it wasn't about you for me. It's not about what you said, it's the way you handled the entire situation. You're clearly not ready to have any sort of mature relationship of friendship with me yet and I'm tired of you treating me like this. Hopefully one day you'll figure it out, but for now I just don't deserve to  be treated like this. You're not sorry and it's not okay."
He responded with, " Oh I agree but I also don't even know what direction to comment. Have fun in L."
I replied, " You don't need to comment. Just grow up and stop treating me like this? I'm over being treated like this. It's been over a year and it's not fair to me and I don't deserve it. You mean a lot to me but I can't just let you treat me brutal all the time. I want great things for you in your life, you know that. I just wish you'd grant me the same respect."
He didn't answer. And to be perfectly honest, I'm okay with that. I just don't want him to talk to me at all or be in my life at all if this is how it's going to me. I'm hurting but a whole lot less than usual. I'm so proud of myself for really standing up to him and telling him how I feel and that it's not okay to treat me like this. I'm so tired him putting all the blame for our relationship failing on me. I may have cheated, but there were things that led me there. And I worked my ass off to fix things by being honest and working on myself and our relationship and he isn't mature enough to deal with it in a reasonable way. So I just have to let go for awhile. I love him so much but I refuse to be a doormat. I'm better than that. And now I'm going to show him what he's missing.

never gonna slow down.

I've been so mia lately because surprisingly I've had a life for the past two weeks. Shocking, I know. However, tomorrow I head back south and I will thus, become a boring nerd again.
So, prepare yourself for the future plethora of blog posts to catch up.

rest in peace tucker.

I went to seattle and spokane for a few days with the fam. It was really good.. well almost. I'll explain tomorrow. I am just exhausted.

a few words and a lighter heart.

So this morning based on my horoscope I kind of got the courage to tell number twelve that we needed to talk about everything. i got the courage to tell him it wasn't okay to treat me like he has been. And it's not okay to use me. I think that's one of the first times and few times I've ever really stood up for myself and said it how I saw it. I can stand up for everyone else, but when it comes to me I just kind of let people use me.
So I told him that we needed to talk or we were goign to have the conversation at the wrong time in the wrong place and he would likely end up embarrassed. He picked me up around for and we went for like a half hour drive. Then we sat outside my house in his car for another hour and a half just talking. And for the first time in a long time, we were both completely sober, speaking honestly about ourselves and our relationship and everything in between. It was really nice to just talk, you know. I mean I feel like we got a lot out in the open and we can move forward in our relatinoship. Not like a dating relationship just like the relationship that two people have with each other, you know? We opened up some old wounds and we closed some other ones. It was just a really good heart to heart discussion of where we're at.
And there are things that I worry about for him and don't agree with but at the end of the day, I love him and I'm really proud of how far he's come. I proud of who he is, who he wants to be and why. I understand why he's been the way he's been. And I just really want him to be happy in life.
I have to go meet DM before he leaves for Europe tomorrow for coffee and then I'm going to the gym. But for the first time in a long time, I'm going to the gym to work out instead of forget everything else.

just because.

And every day I ask myself,
why am I so absolutely, indefinitely, unconditionally
in love with that boy?

complicated situations only get worse in the morning light.

I am just such a mess. I'm so sick and I got sent home from work tonight (which is probably good considering I work in a restaurant). But I am just feeling so awful. I started crying on my way home because when I used to get sick, all I wanted was my mommy to make me girl cheese (yes I know it is grilled) and chicken noodle soup and watch disney movies and drink ginger ale. But today, all I want is for number twelve to come and hold me in his arms and tell me I'm going to be okay.
Is that how you know you love somebody? When the one person that gave you birth and comforted you your whole life has been replaced as first choice and the one person that you feel empty and broken without is the first person that comes to mind.. is that how you know you truly love someone?
I'm just sitting here, bawling again because I'm so madly in love with a boy that is afraid to love me back.

take a picture it'll last longer.

I totally forgot about saturday. So last night I worked for a bit and I was so tired but I decided to go to HM's going away party. So I went to Post Time for a bit and it was so nice to see some old friends. But the funniest thing happened.
I saw number twelve's cousin TW there and I was like oh fuck perfect. I do not want to deal with number twelve tonight. I was sober though so I was like oh well if he shows up I'll just leave. So AP came with TW and he's like OHHHHH MY GOSH BBBBB!!!!!! I haven't seen you lately. I've been looking for you at the gym. Your so sexy blah blah hitting on me so hard core right in front of TW who is at this point just rolling his eyes going shutt up. And so he keeps going on about it all night around TW and it was just hilarious I thought.
Also, I got the pleasure of seeing NH and number twelve's other friends as I was leaving. FUCK I HATE HER. They all just like stared at me and I wanted to be like take a fucking picture it'll last longer.
Speaking of taking a fucking picture on thursday night sofaking's brother came to the golf course. Keep in mind that sofaking is who I cheated on number twelve with and the suspect of my assault. I haven't seen or spoken to him since november. So as his brother walked in I became instantly nauseas. I was so shaken up it wasn't even funny. I didn't know what to do because I was so afraid of sofaking showing up. Anyways H served them for me and he didn't show up but it definitely set me off balance a bit. But all night while i was serving tables his brother just like stared at me and I was like take a picture buddy.

shine on.

never gonna grow up,

never gonna slow down,

we were shining like lighters

in the dark in the middle of a rock show.

something beautiful.

I finally had a really good weekend. I remembered how it felt to just be genuinely happy. To absolutely and completely immerse myself in a good, happy place and just indulge in fun and happiness and thoroughly enjoy the little things.
On Friday I went to tswift. She was surprisingly unreal and she puts on a really good show. We ordered a bottle of champagne up to our room while we got ready. Then we had some drinks and dinner and went to the concert. Afterwards we went to earls and then we went out to the bar. It was just a really good time. I felt pretty, I had fun. It was super enjoyable and I just felt good the whole night. I felt pretty and happy and myself again. We met up with goudy and friends of b's and it was just so nice to have zero drama.

Also, sunshine was texting me for like three hours that night wtf.  Today I went for lunch with the fam after work and then I went to the beach with phlg and ps and ck. It was really fun and just nice to bask. We played football and frisbee and volleyball for like 3 hours in the water. It was perfect.

Also, download all the music you can find by the band NEEDTOBREATHE. They are absolutely incredible.