This life we live.

I did perhaps one of the most risk-taking things I've ever done yesterday. I got on a plane and came to Van to meet a boy I've never met. We've been talking since August. It's been a hell of a ride. At first, it was so incredible because we could talk about anything. All day, every day. It's never the hey, how are you? Good, you? Thing; repeat two hours later. It's never that way. We talk about everything. It can go from one conversation to another so quickly. We go from talking about the most trivial things to some of the deepest conversations I've ever had.
He's not my type at all. He's short and blonde with blue eyes. He's an artist. A filmmaker and actor. He's so incredibly intelligent. I was so happy to come visit him at the airport.
I don't think he's the one but he's certainly good for me. It feels good the way he treats me. I like it a lot. I spent last night laying in his arms for hours and hours. It sounds silly but I think he needs me more than I need him. I like conversing with him but I don't see this going anywhere. I see this as a friendship, a soulmate type friendship. He's kind and I've spoken with him about things I've never really shared with people. I'm trying to be open. He exposes me to new things; new ideas, new perspectives, new experiences. Tonight we are going to a wrap party.
I don't exactly know how I feel. He's kind though. Intelligent. Sweet. He is incredibly understanding and he speaks so nicely to and about me. He's probably the most open communicator I've ever spent time with. He says exactly what he's thinking and how he feels and I never have to wonder. It's also nice to be with someone who compliments me as much as he does. He is so respectful of how much I adore my independence. It's a really beautiful friendship.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I don't even know where to start. It's such a long shot. He lives so far away and wants to move even farther. I mean it's crazy right? I'm being naive to fall like this. In fact, I'm being the opposite of naive and I know it. I'm not letting him in the way I should. I'm keeping him at a distance. I'm being cautious and taking my time and moving slowly. I mean it's been 3 months, almost 4.
And it kills me a little when he's getting ready to hang up and says, I wish I could kiss you before I said goodbye, but you're so far away. Or when he told me yesterday he was looking at changing his flight home so he could have a day here on the way. Or that he wants me to spend New Years with him.
Tonight we were talking about puppies and I was saying how badly I wanted one and he said me too. I said bring him to visit! He told me he wasn't getting one until he moved to LA. But once he did, he'd really like if I visited him and puppy. He's looked into school districts there, found the best one.
It's intense. And fast. And I of course wouldn't make any rash judgements or decisions, especially not this early on. I told him that too. I said, look I am not in a place, we are not in a place to make any decisions about international moves.
I don't know. It's strange to me to have found someone I can Facetime for hours. That we can talk all day and it's not menial small talk... how's your day, good you, good. Two hours later repeat. We have full blown, in depth, intellectual conversations about anything and everything. I think what I like the most is that he doesn't stand down when we disagree. He's not mean or anything, we just can agree to have different opinions, as much as he tries to persuade me to agree with him. We talk about politics, the residual effects of Residential Schools, Rape, Emotional and physical abuse in relationships, sex.
I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I always have been. He's intense. He's incredibly intense. But I like it. I like how honest he is. He's straightforward and tells me exactly what he wants. How he views me. What he likes. He's still so respectful.
He said, "I don't want to be presumptuous and I don't know what your plans are but I'd really like to stop and see you for a day on my way home for Christmas".
He's emotional but he's not afraid of it. He's intelligent, educated. Athletic but artistic. He's not my type at all. He's probably more emotional than I am. He left a lucrative career to follow his "calling" as he phrases it. He thrives on pressure and success. He hates mediocrity.
I'm just so afraid of all this being real.

Leonard Cohen

"Music is the emotional life of most people".

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade.

I was so blinded by my perception of your light, I refused to see how consuming your darkness was.

Vulnerable

Arthur Golden

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears from us all of the things that cannot be torn so that we see ourselves as we really are. 

Thank you.

There are no words for the gratitude a person can have when they pray for something so imperative to their existence and they receive those deeply seeded intentions. 

Truth.

"Because if you're single and above the age of consent in this world, people will try to fix you up with someone until your dying day". 

Perhaps the best analogy I've ever heard.

"Members of the press, going to bed with a new woman is like having to learn a whole new operating system on the first day of work with the boss breathing down your neck. You can quote me on that."

Start.

Remind yourself.

Jaded.

Once you win my heart, you have it forever.

It can't be him.

I pray every day that someone new will one day love me like he does. 

How many days in a year, she woke up with hope but she only found tears.

This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looked so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her when she smiles. 

Absolutely.

My sister has been telling me for years the song "absolutely" by nine days reminds her of me. 

Holy shit.

http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/ive-tried-now-im-done

Maybe that's it, maybe I'm free.

"And there it was. I had it all-- all the truth and detail that I'd needed to know since that day on the mountain, in the withering snow, when Khader had told me about her. I think I'd expected to feel... nourished, perhaps and vindicated, by forcing her to tell me what she'd done and why she'd done it. I think I'd hope to be released by it, and solaced, just by hearing her tell me. But it wasn't like that. I felt empty: the kind of emptiness that's sad but not distressed, pitying but not broken-hearted, and damaged, somehow, but clearer and cleaner for it. And then I knew what it was, that emptiness: there's a name for it, a word we use often, without realizing the universe of peace that's enfolded in it. The word is free."

The passionate search for a truth other than our own.

"For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and the the other. Life our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel. Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on."

Every heartbeat.

"Every human heartbeat, he'd said many times,  is a university of possibilities. And it seemed to me that I finally understood exactly what he'd meant. He'd been trying to tell me that every human will has the power to transform its fate. I'd always thought that fate was something unchangeable: fixed for every one of us at birth, and as constant as the circuit of the stars. But I suddenly realized that life is stranger and more beautiful than that. The truth is that, no matter what kind of game you find yourself in, no matter how good or bad the luck, you can change your life completely with a single thought or a single act of love. "

Let it ruminate a little.

I finally told him I was hurt. I am terrible for that, voicing my feelings. I know it's something I have to work on and I'm trying to. I'm making progress. I told him that I was hurt that he knew I was going through all of this and he never asked how I was or if I was okay, not even once in the last 6 months. It's been my version of hell and he's made no effort to see how I'm doing. He made a comment about him being a bad friend awhile back and I told him, I don't think that he's a bad friend because anytime I've ever asked for something, he's been there. But I was absolutely hurt by the fact that he knew I was going through something so heavy and he never asked if I was ok. Not even once. He hasn't asked about it until last night and I told him in March. It hurt because it felt like he didn't care. I said that may not be the case, but that's the way I felt. I was very cognizant of the words I chose and to make it not be an attack but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt.
He said he didn't really have much to reply with. So, I left it alone for him to think about. My feelings are not invalid and I'm not being dramatic or ridiculous and he is entitled to feel that way if he thinks that and have his own perception, but it's not okay for him to disregard how I feel.

Evolve.

Love yourself.

Eggshells.

I've never come across anything more true.

Delusional.

Today a girl made a comment about J and girlfriends and then she said unless you were his girlfriend and you guys broke up. I was quite stunned to be honest. No one has really made any comments about us in awhile... Probably largely due to the fact we really haven't been ourselves lately and we've been fighting so much. But I think that her comment is the type of thing that makes it so difficult... If other people see it too, it can't just be me. I can't be completely delusional. Certainly, I let him get away with way too much bullshit. But there's gotta be something there on his part too, it's not just me.

Balance.

Luck or fate.

"Luck is what happens to you when fate gets tired of waiting."

Choose a side.

"'There is no man, and no place, without war,' he replied, and it struck me that it was the most profound thing he'd ever said to me. 'The only thing we can do is choose a side, and fight. That is the only choice we get--who we fight for, who we fight against. That is life.'" 

Love this article.

http://www.thebolde.com/brutally-honest-confessions-damaged-single-girl/ 

The one that loves the one we used to love.

"There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you're determined to dislike for no good reason." 

So much insight.

"The cloak of the past is cut from patches of feeling, and sewn with rebus threads. Most of the time, the best we can do is wrap it around ourselves for comfort or drag it behind is as we struggle to go on. But everything has its cause and its meaning. Every life, every love, every action and feeling and thought has its reason and significance; its beginning, and the part it plays in the end. Sometimes, we do see. Sometimes, we see the past so clearly, and read the legend of its parts with such acuity, that every stitch of time reveals its purpose, and a kind of message is enfolded in it. Nothing is any life, no matter how well or poorly lived, is wiser than failure or clearer than sorrow. And in the tiny, precious wisdom that they give to us? Even those dread and hated enemies, suffering and failure, have their reason and their right to be. " 

I accept responsibility for my actions.

Silencio.

"Silences can wound as surely as the twisting lash. But sometimes, being silent is the only way to tell the truth." 

Ever-changing perspective.

It's funny you know, I used to think sex had so much meaning. It was magical. But eventually you learn that sex is whatever you want it to be. Sure, with the right person it can be an incredible emotional and connecting experience. But it can also just be a completely physical therapy for your body and mind. Sometimes we need that reassurance that we are attractive and sometimes we just need the physical release. It's just nature. And for a long time I judged people who viewed sex as a strictly physical thing but I was wrong. If you're having sex for attention or to impress people then yeah, you should consider how that will impact your psychological and emotional stability. If you're having sex because you just need sex, then by all means. Play safe and enjoy it. 

How lucky am I to have found such great loves.

I love you. And I think I have since very early in our relationship. Within a few weeks I was absolutely captivated. It was everything is ever hoped for. You were everything I needed at the time. And I fell so hard into love with you. And I think as I age I'm starting to understand that it's okay to have loves like that. Great loves.  I've had 2 like this and another love that was different, but still great. I have to move on though. I've been saying it for so long but the truth has been piercing me so relentlessly that I know what I have to do. I will always be in some sort of love with you. But I have to walk away. Unrequited love is the most difficult, at least, it's the most difficult to endure interacting with someone. When you love someone and you know they love you, it can be difficult, but it's better than nothing at all. This isn't like that. Unrequited love isn't like that. Unrequited love chips at you. It fractures your heart with every smile at someone else, every moment you fail to share, every victory and every defeat, every laugh and joke and witty remark is just another fracture. It's all the reasons I fell in love with you and all the reasons I know you don't love me. And that's okay. I'd rather love deeply and unconditionally and alone than not love at all.   

Sounds like unrequited love.

"And then, after three weeks of that maddening, tortuous pain and massive, self-medicated doses, the wound healed and the pain receded from me just as the memories do, like landmarks on a distant, foggy shore". 

Sometimes you just have to leap.

Worry when I reach apathy.

Choose your values wisely.

I don't want to be strong for this.

You are going to have to be strong for everybody else who can't. 

I am the sun.

You have always found the grace.

Think about everything that you've been through, and you have always found the grace. 

Unaligned.

You can't kill love.

"You can't kill love. You can't even kill it with hate. You can kill in-love, andloving, and even loneliness. You can kill them all, or numb them into dense, leaden regret, but you can't kill love itself. Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own: and once you feel it, every moment of the heart reaching out, is a part of the universal good: it's part of God, or what we call God, and it can never die."

Please let me have this one.

I am so incredibly captivated by him. 

Why the hell'd you go and make things so complicated?

Why is life so complicated sometimes? 

I am a lost boy.

There was a time, I was alone. No where to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon, even sometimes he would go away too. Then one night as I closed my eyes, I saw the shadow flying by. He came to me with the sweetest smile, told me he wanted to take for awhile. He said, Peter Pan that's what they call me, I promise that you'll never be lonely. 

Owie.

Every part of my body aches. I'm getting to old for this. I don't honestly know how people survive this life, this industry. I mean C sits down in the day but she's 4-5 years older than me. My 10-12 hour days are killer. On your feet, constantly moving. There's no way to prepare your body for that. If you're busy, you're busy. And you don't even realize your pain until after. It's sheer exhaustion. 

It doesn't help that I have a sun burn and just laying here is noticeably uncomfortable. I wouldn't say it hurts but it's certainly not enjoyable. 

Trust.

Sometimes you have to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and just trust that everything will work out in the end. 

The greatest love of all.

Everybody's searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs. A lonely place to be, so I learned to depend on me. 

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity. 

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all inside of me. 

I remember it all too well.

Storms create rainbows.

It is important that we enlighten children on this. Helping them to understand this could fundamentally change the way we, as a society view adversity in the future.

It's okay to know your worth.

It's always about integrity.

Are we ever justified in what we do?

"Whenever we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn't be of our making, but wouldn't occur without our action." 

Goals.

Last night I was looking at houses forever. This morning, it's the first thing I wanted when I woke up. I have been thinking a lot lately. In fact, I looked at going to Mexico in August instead of Vancouver. Realistically though, what I want most in my life right now is to buy a house. I want to have my own place and to get a puppy. Yes, I want to travel but I also really want something to call my own.
The location that I want is really expensive, of course. I've been looking in a certain area for a few months and I've found a few places I love. Last night, just for the sake of it, I began looking at other locations. I have expensive taste and there are certain things that I want. I'm not really willing to compromise that. I'd rather have to travel further and live in a place I love than live somewhere I don't love in a location I like.
Buying a house is expensive and rather daunting. I've found stuff that is in my price range though so that makes me happy. I'm now trying to sift through. I'm sure once you get a real estate agent it will become easier but for now it's good to look and see what I like and don't like so that I have a better idea when I begin to physically look at places and begin the process.
It's crazy because there are honestly some beautiful, beautiful houses here. I can't imagine spending 6 million dollars on a house,  but you look at it and it's stunning. It's like the castle from Beauty and the Beast. I just started looking at places like that because I wanted to see what sorts of things there was here. I honestly don't know if I would want to have a house like that even if I could afford to pay for the entire amount. It seems so silly because it would be more about impressing others. It's just a house. How can you possibly need so much space?
I did however find a place this morning that I'm in love with. Not huge, just beautiful. It's exactly what I want in a location that I want. It's incredibly expensive but it's amazing. It's about 220 000 out of my price range though haha so I'll be needing to win the lottery to afford it.

Dreaming.

I'm dreaming of the house I can buy. I keep looking at places and I'm so torn because I really, really want to buy. I want to buy a place where I can have a puppy. And for that reason, I don't want an apartment. It's tough because I want to be centrally located, not super far away in suburbia. My dream is to live in QP. I love it in there.

People like you always want back the love they gave away.

Heavy.

Some days, getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Today feels a little like that. My heart hurts. 

Last night I wrote a long letter to J. I felt better, like I'd released some of the stress  or anxiety. Some of my harboured feelings. This morning, I'm exhausted. I feel heavy, like a weight is holding me down. 

Love and duty.

"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have--to hold on tight until the dawn." 

Sweat and tears.

Some mornings you get up, cry a little, go for a run and realize the beauty that exists in this world and the strength that you possess as an individual.

I should've known; maybe that's what makes the sting worse.

I'm running out of fight.

I didn't get home until nearly one... Been awake since 4. I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I am so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of fighting so hard. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. I've been saying it for so long. I know that I need to walk away.  4 and a half weeks. I'm praying for the best in 33 days. It's been so long. I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to step in a new direction. Move forward with my life. Please, God, grant me this wish. The opportunity to walk away. The strength to walk away. 

Sometimes, the people you love break you.

There's a difference between knowing love and accepting love.

I've started to verbalize what I want.

Crash and burn.

Sometimes I wonder if this madness is ever going to end. 

I'm not sure I can get back there...

Yes you can, you just pick a place and you start. 

Be you.

Whatever you are, be a good one. 

Never forget that.

Love is the opposite of power, that's why we fear it so much.

"I think that's why I'm sick of love".

She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would've done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are live that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and independence. After awhile you start throwing people out--your friends, everyone you used to know. and it's still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it. 

Shantaram.

"A man has to draw the line somewhere. Civilization, after all is defined by what we forbid, more than what we permit." 

After everything, the love still exists.

On Saturday, number twelve stopped on his way back to the states. It was really interesting and totally different than anything I thought I would ever experience with him.
He showed up and came in and sat down right beside me. It should have been weird but it wasn't. We just sat and chatted for like 2 hours drinking water with the soccer game on in the background. After about an hour, he moved my legs across him and we just chat. It was so normal. We sat and talked about everything. Eventually things progressed and it was honestly the least weird and weirdest experience concurrently. There was no insecurity, no judgement, no filter, no reservations. Just us. I think it was really good for me because at no point was I in my head over-analyzing and wondering where it's going or what's happening next. It was probably the most in the moment I have ever been. We cuddled, we chatted, we laughed.
At one point, we were kissing and I burst out laughing and he was like what are you laughing at and I was honestly just like this is so fucked up. But it's not. And that's why it's fucked up. I mean we have barely spoken in 3 years.. I think I've seen you once, maybe twice and this is where we're at.
He really opened up while he was here. He told me so much about our relationship and how he saw it and how silly and immature so many of our fights were. And he's right, they were. We were both so concerned about what other people thought about our relationship and we let it impact our thoughts about one another.
He reminded me how many times we would have a huge fight and then he'd end up laying beside me and we were perfectly fine when it was just us. And I genuinely think that immaturity and other people's influence played such a role in our downfall because we let it. It was so interesting to me to hear his perspective on so many things. He said after everything, we're still here: best friends. We always make it back.
I think more than anything that speaks to our love for one another. For me, that was a sense of closure that I needed. I truly believed in our love and for so long I couldn't understand how a love like that can't overcome all odds. And the truth is, it has overcome all odds. There's no bad blood. There's no anger or resentment. A few comments came up about different situations and how things might have played out differently and I just looked at him and said honestly, it doesn't matter now. It was so long ago.
We sat on the steps outside and just watched the stars and talked and ate supper. Just enjoying the beauty of simplicity. We talked about our futures and some of the stuff he said just blew me away. The things he thinks about and what he wants in his future. And he asked me about what I want. I think that's the nicest part. We can talk about our lives, past, current and future without it being awkward. It can include us, it doesn't have to though. It can be about other people and experiences with them.
He melted my heart a little at one point. We were just laying and chatting and he was holding me so tight and he said, "feel safe yet?" I know it's silly but the reason that tugged on my heart strings a little bit is because years and years ago I told him that my favourite place to be on the worst days was in his arms because I felt safe for awhile. There were a few other things that he remembered and mentioned and I never really thought he was listening to me half the time I was speaking when we were younger.
I think that's why I needed him and this experience with him this weekend. The last six months have been really tough. I mean really tough. And D is incredible to me but I don't lay in his arms to feel safe for awhile. Being with number 12 was solely unconditional love. The kind most people dream about. After everything, knowing your mistakes, knowing the best and the worst parts of you and still loving you for exactly who you are.
I needed that. I needed to feel loved for awhile. I don't need him in my future, not like that but to know that someone loves you as much as you always believed they did is humbling but validating as well. And to know that no matter what, you have a friend you can always go back to, that is the best feeling.

So much gratitude.

He is the best person I know. He truly is. On the last day we just went for a lemonade and talked and laughed and danced and sang in his car. I think he knew I was dreading not seeing him every day. I'm definitely going to miss that guy over the summer. And I know, he said we'll hang out but it's not the same as every day. When you have someone who lights up your day, every single day, it's tough to transition to not having it.
Even this morning, we were chatting and I was laughing so hard. He always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh. It's just who he is. And I am so incredibly grateful for him.
Sometimes you have to lose people that you really thought mattered. You have to step away and it's difficult. But sometimes, if you're really lucky, you meet someone new to help you grow and strengthen your character.

Hard truths.

I'm not the one who changed, he is. And now somehow, I'm the one who's broken because of it. 

Make your intentions known.

Be positive. Ask the world for what you want. I promise, it's listening. 

We make a really good team coach.

Sometimes I want to ask him why he is so good to me. But I'm afraid. I shouldn't be because he will probably say something along the lines of "you deserve it" or "it's just what I do". He is so incredibly good to me. I know that I deserve to be treated well and that I treat others well but at some point, I just want someone to love me back. That's the hardest part. One of these times I just want someone who is kind to me and tells me I'm beautiful and treats me well to tell me that he loves me. That he wants to be with me. I don't know if D is that person but I wouldn't be disappointed if he was. 

Today was stressful. It was long and exhausting. It was a blast. The kids had fun, I had fun but it was a lot of work. At lunch he said want to go for a drive? I said yessss anywhere. So we drove and he smoked excessively and we got a coffee. All afternoon I felt like I smelled like smoke even after I sprayed perfume. All my life I've thought it's the biggest turn off but for some reason, it doesn't really bother me when he does. After school we were sitting in his vehicle and he said something and I was like please can you do it for me, for alllll the things I do for you? And he's like hey hey I get you back. I always make sure what you do for me doesn't go unnoticed. And he does. So we're joking about today and dumb stuff and he said good job today. It went well, we make a really good team. "We make a really good team". A part of me went a little weak. We do make a good team and he is so good to me. He's jothing I ever imagined but he is so kind and generous and he makes me laugh. I honestly laugh even when he makes me angry, even when I'm so grumpy, he makes me laugh so hard byes my friend. And it's just nice. 

Perspective.

I went to Paint Nite with ED the other night. It was really interesting and I needed it alot. We talked about J and D and so much of it was E being like D is so good to you. Why are you fighting it? He probably can tell that you have a block because of J and you have to let it go because D is good to you. He's attractive, he makes you laugh and treats you so incredibly well.
J doesn't want a relationship but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows how much you bring to his life and he doesn't think you'll leave. He lets you get as far as you can and then he reels you back in when he thinks you're going to walk away.
You feel unappreciated at the restaurant but it's exacerbated by the fact you feel unappreciated by him in your friendship. And you should. You are always going to give more than he does. The only way he is going to realize it is if you leave.
If you leave the restaurant, your life really isn't going to change that dramatically. Sure, you'll have to change you're lifestyle a bit to account for less income but overall, it won't change. You will still be friends with the girls you are friends with. You still have all of your school and sports and you are busy.
His world will fall apart. If you leave, he will realize just how much he relied on you. And just how much you did for him. For him, he won't see you and he'll realize how much he misses you and all that you have been for him for so long. He'll realize how much he took you for granted.

When I think about it, she's right. My life won't change drastically... Especially in September when I'm back to school. The only thing is, when she said that I thought I would feel like I should want him to realize what he had and then try to win me back. But I don't. I don't feel like that at all. I feel like I want him to know how much he hurt me. How many days I sat in tears. I want him to know that he lost his chance.
And it bothers me. I'm angry with him. It bothers me that for a second I wanted him to feel pain. That's not who I am. I think what I really want is for him to feel that absence. The longing. The realization that he missed out. That he took for granted everything he had for so long.

Words I couldn't say.

Do you know what it feels like the moment you realize how little you mean to someone who means the world to you? 

Like a freight train, it hit me. And everything clicked.

The moment you realize how little you matter to someone really stings.

I'm soo upset I can't sleep. 

I'm basically the Incredible Hulk.

Sometimes this is the only way.

I'll be okay.

And at night, mostly I lay awake tears streaming down my face hoping I'll just fall asleep soon. 

Coincidence?

Today I posted this photo on Instagram. I received a message of gratitude later this evening. A part of me wonders if there's a connect.

Rested.

I am so fucking content right now. I don't even want to get out of bed. I think it was  1 when we went to bed. And I heard him getting ready to leave at 4 and I've been up for 45 and I still feel more rested than I have in months. 

Wow.

It's okay to look out for number one.

My students are so damn insightful.

"You were still art even when he stopped admiring you". 

Faith over fear.

What do you do when your perspective is altered? I mean in a way that makes you rethink everything.
Yesterday, my sister pulled some cards for me. She came and sat on the bed with me and we just talked. She thinks she's becoming a medium. I don't know what to think. I have a set of angel cards. I always find that stuff intriguing but I'm still skeptical.
The cards I pulled yesterday are life-changing though. They change a decision. A big one. And I don't honestly know what to do. I know I need to trust my intuition. I know that. But it feels like there is so much loudness around my intuition that I can't hear it, not clearly. I don't know what the right thing to do is. But I wonder if I'm struggling so much with the decision right now, that maybe that means it's not sitting right. Maybe I do need to revisit it.
I am terrified. Either way it's potentially terrible consequences. I need the strength of my faith to be stronger than my fear.

Integrity.

Heart melted.

Today I'm struggling to be grateful. I know I am lucky and privileged in life but today is just tough. 

This afternoon a girl I coached told me she was writing an essay about me and said what is it about, what's the assignment? She said, someone who has a heart of gold. 

Perspective.

How could I be so naive, so blind, so stupid.

I don't know if it's ever really occurred to me until now the biggest difference between him and I. The biggest difference between them and I. I didn't realize the immensity of such an inherent part of who I am. The side effects. I didn't realize why I find myself in this situation over and over with other people but it's so clear now. How did I not see it before. I'm always looking out for him. And he's always looking out for himself. 

DT.

No one else in the world is going to look out for you. You gotta do what's best for you. You gotta fight for you. Parents, coaches, teachers, friends... They're going to put you down and they might not believe in you. You have to figure out what you want and don't let anybody stand in your way. You are the only one who decides if you're successful. You're going to get bullied. You're going to fail. You're going to hurt. You're going to face adversity.  You look at the people you admire and I can promise you, they have one thing in common. They all got back up. They kept going. That's why they are successful. They didn't let anyone or anything get in their way. 

Straight into my soul.

We're not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. At least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. 

Thoughts.

Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds. 

Nothing has ever been more true.

It was after 2am, give me a break.

It's so frustrating when you can only sleep a maximum of 5 hours no matter how tired you are. 

Respect.

Today D asked me if he could have my leadership class. I knew as soon as he did that he wanted to give a speech, especially for B because I've been voicing my concerns about him. So he comes in and gives a 48 minute pep talk. He tells the story of his childhood and his family's escape from Vietnam. He talked about how you are the only person standing in the way of success in your life. I honestly sat in the back of the class in tears. That man is the epitome of perseverance. I have nothing but respect for him. 

Reading.

I just read about Cancers and then about Virgos. And then about their compatibility. Over and over I read about Cancers and it says you have to make the first move. My mom's told me that. A medium told me that. I'm just so terrified.
Reading about myself is always interesting. It talked about how logical virgos are and how sometimes their head gets in the way of their heart. How we disconnect ourselves from emotion. Instead of feeling it, we just step back and analyze it. That was a hard truth. And how being friends with a Virgo can be difficult because Virgos are always trying to give advice to better your life but it can sometimes be rude. It also discusses how you might be able to tell something is off with a Virgo but asking them about it is not the answer, it's better to wait until they are ready to talk about it.
I feel like that suits me. I am definitely not myself but none of my friends have really pushed the issue and I appreciate that.

Be who you needed when you were younger.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without D right now. He is the most loyal friend I have ever had. He makes a point to build me up every single day and I need that so much right now. Sometimes he does it in the most sarcastic, silliest ways but he always makes sure to make me laugh.
I was telling him how this parent told me I look tired and stressed and how I hate that because they are basically saying, you look like shit. And he was like, well even when you look like shit you are sexier than most women. I just laughed.
The next morning, he sees me down the hallway, kindly opens my door for my and then says, you look tired and stressed, you doing okay coach?
Just enough to be nice and open my door to throw out a comment he knew would make me smile.
He always thinks of little things. Of reminding me of my worth and that's nice.
I like to think I know my worth but the truth is, I forget it on a pretty regular basis. And that's really sad to me because I have a lot to offer the world, I know that. And yet, I don't feel that way. I see the negatives. The scariest part of that for me is when I see it in my students. I see incredible kids who do not see their value. I worry about kids who don't recognize anything they have to offer the world.
D is so confident. He is so sure of himself as a human. He's been through a lot but he gets up every morning, happy, brightening the days of everyone around him. I am so grateful to have someone who reminds me every single day what the most important part of my job is, why I do what I do.

Do not let your fire go out.

Heavy.

Chicago Med.

You might be surprised how things you once thought were sooooo important become less so as you get older. My life definitely became bigger, messier, far more interesting than I ever thought it could when I was younger. And you know what? It hasn't always been such a bad thing. 

Another hard day.

Life's Detours
Life doesn't always happen the way you want it to or the way you planned it or hoped for...
Detours suddenly appear; storms blow in unexpectedly. The road you're traveling -- that seemed so safe and secure-- changes direction without warning, and life becomes something that's not at all what you thought it would be. You find there's nothing to do but stop for awhile, figure out your options, and think about new decisions you have to make.
Life is forever changing. You can't always control what happens, but you can hang tough through it all and make the changes and decisions necessary and will help you grow in spite of the disappointments, develop courage in spite of the adversities, be creative and come up with solutions, and always keep love in your heart.
No matter how hard things may seem... life will change again, and it's possible that this detour will lead you to a place that will bring you more happiness and let you reach more satisfying places in your heart and life than you've ever reached before.
And if you need someone to lean on... give me a call.
-Donna Levine-Small

The day that you start believing love is overrated is the day you're wrong.

"To all those lost souls who forgot to believe in the immensity of love". 

Hard truths.

"Had she come home to see you guys, I probably would've gone to Mexico." 

Holy shit, what a truth. 

I always forgive others but I struggle to forgive myself.

Strength.

It's just so difficult.

I took two days off. I probably shouldn't have but I had to. I needed the break. Four full, consecutive days off.
I feel like I have to be strong all the time. I feel like a fraud when I walk into my classroom with a big smile on my face pretending that I'm happy and strong and that I make good choices. And I know I treat people with dignity and respect, most of the time. I know that I work hard and I give myself to others unconditionally. I love unconditionally. And I promote that type of kindness because I do believe in it.
But I feel like a failure right now, a fraud because I am going through something that is so earth-shattering to me that I don't always know how to cope. There are moments in the day when I have to utilize every ounce of strength in my body to hold back tears. When I have to smile and pretend that my life is going great. I love them, so very dearly I love them. And most days they are the only thing keeping me going because of the sense of normalcy they bring for me. The stability. They have no idea that they are the core of my strength. Their good mornings and smiles and jokes and hugs are the only thing keeping me alive.
I have cried on and off this morning. I've done absolutely zero school work. I was talking to D this morning and he said, hang in there B. And I'm so grateful for him in my life right now. And I know for certain that people come into your life for a reason. And he is here to teach me. He has taught me so much and he reminds me so often about what really matters in life. And I admire him greatly.
In all the moments that I feel like this is the end of my life, I know that it isn't. I know that I will be okay. I know that D is right when he reminds me how much worse things could be. When he reminds me how lucky I am and puts things into perspective. And I know that J is right when he tells me one day I'm going to look back and I will barely remember how terrible this all is. It will just be a distant memory.
I know they are right. I know that I will get through this. I know that I will be stronger and smarter and wiser because of this. And I am so grateful for the people I have supporting me. There are moments where I'm okay. The whole day is okay and I can live through some normalcy. And then I have moments of paralysis. When I honestly cannot fathom how I'm going to get through this. Over and over I think of this quote, "there is a loneliness that exists only in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly". I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. Day after day, I wake up and somehow keep surviving. Somehow I keep going. I'm just afraid one day, I won't have the strength to get out of my bed and keep on going. Or maybe, I'm afraid that I do have the strength to keep going. Perhaps that's the scariest of all. If nothing can defeat me, how many more of these tests will I have to pass.

Morning boost.

I walk in and D's like whoa jeans, you rebel. And I was like my ass looks better in jeans than sweats and he's like your ass always looks good. 

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm convinced there's something there.

I wonder if he knows how genuinely happy he makes me. He knows exactly how to make me smile. 

Last night we had this couple and as he sat them she told him that she was celiac and needed a gluten free menu. He gave her a spiel about the menu and then him and I talked about it before I went over. So she has some questions and we had a great conversation she was very nice. It took her awhile because she isn't used to so many option so when she ordered, she ordered a burger gluten free with gluten free fries and her husband ordered a burger with a gluten filled bun and croutons on his salad. All the gluten. So J asks what they order and he's like do you think he will find it funny if we take them a salt shaker full of flour? Extra gluten? And I laughed I said yes I think they have a sense of humour. Him and I were laughing so hard because I'm standing in the prep hall while he's filling a salt shaker of flour. I'm like what if they don't laugh? He's like well then we're fucked. We're getting a bad review and they will think we have a sick sense of humour. 

Turns out they thought it was funny but I just think it's so silly that we have those moments. There are so many things we laugh about. Silly inside jokes. That's the dream, isn't it? 

I was talking to B this morning and I said I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship anymore. It's been so long. And I think that's maybe the point for me. Maybe it's supposed to be that easy. The friendship. The comradarie. That's what I want. Sure we have our moments. We have ups and downs and he frustrates me immensely. But I guess at the end of the day, I know he'd be there. He is there. He makes me feel safe. Relaxed. 

I sleep better at his house than I have anywhere else in years. I don't know how it's going to go. Or what our journey will be. But on all the days I question why I put up with my frustration from him, I realize that isn't my body physiologically telling me something there? Isn't that "feeling of home" saying something? Isn't him showing me all his renovations and asking my opinion and acting with consideration of my opinion, doesn't that mean something? 

I wonder if he knows how much he makes me laugh.

I just want to not feel like crying for a night.

Don't look away, don't run away. 

Baby, it's only life. 

Fraudulent.

I know that I'm strong. And I know that I will get through this. I know one day I will forget just how difficult each day is. One day the rawness of the sting will dissipate. I know it could be worse and I should be grateful. I know that in the grand scheme of my life, this will one day be a bad memory that taught me a lot. I know I will be better and stronger from this. I know all that. But right now it doesn't feel that way. It just weighs on me. All the time. I have moments in days of normalcy and then I go right back to the heavy force of the unknown. I feel lost and helpless and fraudulent. That's the worst part I think. Fraudulent. 

I know he's right.

I know that he's right but it is so much easier to say. It really doesn't feel that way now. 

Breathe, then swallow, the breathe again.

Life is really tough sometimes. I'm not alone, I know that I have people that love and support me and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I guess I just wish that  someone was in love with me.

 It begins to grow difficult when you realize you're not easy to love. When you begin to question yourself despite knowing you have worth. It's difficult to be strong and composed and to not have somebody to hold you up in your moments of weakness. It's difficult when you start to question whether you're worthy of that kind of love. Why everyone else seems to find companionship so easily. 

Grateful.

Yesterday a girl in my class said to me, do you wear Lancôme? And I was like no why? And she said well you just have such nice skin! 

I have never in my life felt like I have had nice skin. In fact it is one of the things I struggle with the most about myself. I feel so privileged to be with kids who build me up like that. I spend my days with kids that tell me you are so beautiful or you look so pretty today. And I need that. It is the most humbling thing on a day that I don't fee good about myself. On the days I don't fee good about myself to hear that someone thinks I'm beautiful. 

Worth the wait.

Internet gold

You didn't need a new jacket.

Tonight I said, "I like that jacket. Is it new?"

"Yeah, I bought it because someone told me I always wear the same outfits to work". 

I laughed but my heart fluttered a little. I think it's very endearing when he makes a point to take my opinion into consideration. 

Heavy.

It's really difficult when a student asks if I'm okay. B asked the other day if I was okay. I said yeah. He said you look really stressed. I told him I was just tired.
And I am. I am absolutely fucking exhausted. I barely sleep. I am so stressed. I have cried more in the last two months than in the last 2 years. I hate it. And I feel so helpless. I can't even control my emotions.
I am trying so hard to be strong. I am trying to be grateful and positive. I know it could be worse. I guess I just don't understand. Why another test? Why do some people always have to be strong. Is it ever going to end? Is there ever going to be a day when it's easy?
I feel so weighed down. Everything is heavy.

The tide.

There is a tide in the affairs of men....

One of those.

Today has been a really tough day. I just feel like I want to cry all day. 

How convenient, for you.

I really hate it when he plays the boss card. 

Does he calm you?

Tonight my mom and I were talking about this. It's an interesting thought

Try not to miss me too much until tomorrow.

That one stings a little.

Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that we ignore the reality right in front of us. 

Defeated.

Maybe it's okay to feel a little defeated for a day.

Men's clothing matters!

On Friday I started criticizing his attire and before I could finish he was like let me guess, B is complaining that I'm not wearing brown shoes. I started laughing and told him no I was complaining that you have millions of dollars in beautiful clothes and never wear most of them. 

Well you can be damn sure tonight he wore brown shoes and a jacket he knows I love. 

When he does shit like that I wonder how intentional it is. I wonder if he's like ya she's going to love this shit. He knows me so well. Brown shoes are sexy men. It is what it is. Black is boring and requires zero thought. Brown shoes and belt are like a giant waterfall. Black shoes are the Saharan desert. 

Hard, cold and certainly more painful than any lie.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it 'cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than anything you ever imagined. And even when that truth is more cruel than any lie. "
-One Tree Hill

Princess Joseph, you silly brat.

I love that he makes goes out of his way to make me laugh. He hates when I'm upset and it's so awkward when people cry. I hate crying in front of him but he's so good to me about it. After that we talked about why I was really upset and then started talking about our massage place's new found venture into acupuncture. I just appreciate him so much. And I struggle sometimes and I wonder about our relationship and I'm frustrated by the lack of definitive boundaries and the up and down roller coaster ride but at the end of the day, I am so incredibly grateful for him and for what we have even if  I don't understand that. 

Gentle reminder.

"Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior. You're tougher than anything life throws your way, and you are."
-Brooke Davis

You should be here.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this.
You should be here.

Then you stand.

It's really hard sometimes because it's like my friends can tell something is up but they don't know what. I struggle listening to them sometimes because I'm hurting and I'm overwhelmed and I feel so disconnected from them. And I know I'm choosing that. I'm choosing for only D and J to know. I haven't really seen anyone and I barely talk to anyone unless they initiate a conversation or I'm purposely trying to ensure I'm not acting super odd to them. I am responding for the sake of not striking panic or curiosity not because I actually want to talk. I purposely avoid hanging out or make sure I'm scheduled to work so that I can say no. I saw B for the first time in like 5 weeks last week. It's super tough to be around anyone. I spent 3 days bawling to my mom, texting J while he was in China talking about it all and how much it sucks. And when I said thank you and apologized to him for my drunken ramblings he just told me he wasn't judging me, especially knowing what I was going through. I just feel lost. Helpless. I'm trying to be positive and stay busy and trust that I will get through this. I've been through so many things and this is just one more. Another lesson. I don't know how, I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it through this right now but I will be better, smarter, stronger after this. 

I'm really looking forward to D getting back so that I have someone else to hold me up, to remind me I'll be okay and make me laugh. 

Preach.

Momma.

One of my mom's friends gave her this card for Easter. And honestly, when I read it I couldn't have thought of anyone in my life who this rings more true about. My mom is the best person I know. Her goodness is unmatched. The way she treats others is inspiring. She loves unconditionally in a way that hurts her often but she carries that pain with grace.  She fights over and over again. She overcomes challenge after hardship after challenge and emanates fortitude. I don't love everything she's done in her life but she spends every day working on improving herself as an individual. And every day she builds up others. Her friends, her family, her students, any human being she comes across, she betters. She breathes kindness into every situation. She reminds me not to judge and to remember that we have absolutely no idea what battle someone else has fought, is fighting, or will fight so be kind. It's your journey so focus on what you can do to make the world a better place. She has no idea what sort of impact she is leaving on the world and to me, that's pretty inspiring.