It's just so difficult.

I took two days off. I probably shouldn't have but I had to. I needed the break. Four full, consecutive days off.
I feel like I have to be strong all the time. I feel like a fraud when I walk into my classroom with a big smile on my face pretending that I'm happy and strong and that I make good choices. And I know I treat people with dignity and respect, most of the time. I know that I work hard and I give myself to others unconditionally. I love unconditionally. And I promote that type of kindness because I do believe in it.
But I feel like a failure right now, a fraud because I am going through something that is so earth-shattering to me that I don't always know how to cope. There are moments in the day when I have to utilize every ounce of strength in my body to hold back tears. When I have to smile and pretend that my life is going great. I love them, so very dearly I love them. And most days they are the only thing keeping me going because of the sense of normalcy they bring for me. The stability. They have no idea that they are the core of my strength. Their good mornings and smiles and jokes and hugs are the only thing keeping me alive.
I have cried on and off this morning. I've done absolutely zero school work. I was talking to D this morning and he said, hang in there B. And I'm so grateful for him in my life right now. And I know for certain that people come into your life for a reason. And he is here to teach me. He has taught me so much and he reminds me so often about what really matters in life. And I admire him greatly.
In all the moments that I feel like this is the end of my life, I know that it isn't. I know that I will be okay. I know that D is right when he reminds me how much worse things could be. When he reminds me how lucky I am and puts things into perspective. And I know that J is right when he tells me one day I'm going to look back and I will barely remember how terrible this all is. It will just be a distant memory.
I know they are right. I know that I will get through this. I know that I will be stronger and smarter and wiser because of this. And I am so grateful for the people I have supporting me. There are moments where I'm okay. The whole day is okay and I can live through some normalcy. And then I have moments of paralysis. When I honestly cannot fathom how I'm going to get through this. Over and over I think of this quote, "there is a loneliness that exists only in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly". I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. Day after day, I wake up and somehow keep surviving. Somehow I keep going. I'm just afraid one day, I won't have the strength to get out of my bed and keep on going. Or maybe, I'm afraid that I do have the strength to keep going. Perhaps that's the scariest of all. If nothing can defeat me, how many more of these tests will I have to pass.