dan scott.

"Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can hurt you. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big plans, to find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older, you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize the plans that you made were simply plans.. Because at the end when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."

a quote from my old writing.

"The truth is, most of the time love doesn't need words. Love is just love. I think that love is terrifying. Not so much love, more that the someone you love won't love you back. Or that no matter how much you love them and they love you, it might not be enough. Love alone, is never enough".

it's an addiction.

i have been cleaning my room for at least two hours and it's still not clean. also, i have way too much clothes because 3/4 of my wardrobe is full here and half of my clothes are in a different city. oh boy.

it's always gonna be there, isn't it.

look at me talking like i'd actually just sleep with someone i barely know. they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. but really if i'm honest, i don't really want to get over number 12. i don't believe we're over forever. sheesh i wish i could think about someone other than him sometimes.

but seriously, hockey players are sexy.

i've found my new love interest if i can't ever have nuber 12 again. yes i love that boy and miss him every minute of every day. however, i've come to the conclusion that sc is extremely sexy and i think he'd be fun to bang. however, he seems like a nice guy too. weird. he dated a girl for a long time and i'm not really sure where they stand though so i don't wanna enter in on that parade.

all i want for christmas is you

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is... You

number 12, i need your arms.

like i said, no sleeping anytime soon.

missing you.

i have so much to say. and i'm way too exhausted to say it.
it's funny though, i'm not going to fall asleep for hours, i assure you.
i miss number twelve's arms that's for sure.

let's live it up

Im   a survivor. its what do. sometimes wish there was more to life that surviving. I wish there was living, not just surviving for me. I'll survive, know that. I want to live.

hey, hey, set me free.

stupid cupid, stop picking on me.

believing is half the battle.

i know it's kinda weird but i've been really spiritual/religious lately. i've been really focusing on trusting that everything is going to be okay, that God is going to take care of me like he always does. i've been trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and that everything happens the way it's supposed to. it's been tough but i'll be alright.

mrs. roosevelt.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

i love that family.

i also remember the first time i met his sister. we picked her up from work at peak and i remember being soooo afraid. everyone told me she was a crazy bitch and even his mom was like she might be a little short or snappy or rude to you and interrogate you but don't worry, we like you. and i was like uhhhhhhhh so sketched out. when i met her, she was so nice to me. and there was never like an i don't like you phase which apparently, with his sister was very very rare. now i really enjoy her company, she's loud and chatty and gorgeous and just really nice to me. i guess i'm hoping there's still hope.

she don't know she's beautiful.

i remember when i first started hanging out with number twelve and i went to his hockey game for the last period after work one night. and i remember looking like garbage because it had been a long day and i was planning to go watch a movie at number 12's after anyways. so i went and sat with mlr and kh and went and talked to antelope hunter and number 12's parents etc. and a week or so after one night he was like you're so beautiful. and i was like haha okay right. and he's like no really. mom pointed something out that made me realize something i like you so much. and i was like why? and he's like well she said she likes you a lot and she really respects you and how confident you are. and i was a little confused so he continued to tell me that so many girls spent hours to go gossip at a hockey game and bang a hockey player whereas i went to hockey games to bring his mom tea and come over after and watch a movie and bake something. and he was definitely not getting any so it wasn't about that. and that's why he fell for me, because i was me.... it helped his family liked me too.

i fall in love all over, every time i look at you.

s made me realize something the other day. she said something about being herself and to be herself means not leaving the house without getting dressed cute and wearing makeup and being girly etc. this made me realize how important it is to be yourself. last night i was going to get ready for the hockey game when i realized something. this isn't who i am. i'm not the girl who gets done up to go do stuff. i'm the girl who wears her hair in a ponytail and is the guys girl and just is content with who she is. and i've lost that lately. so i decided to leave my hair in a ponytail and just go as me. it felt good to be me.

he's the one.

yesterday i went to drumheller with dragon and we met s at the game. c played against kodiak which is odd seeing as he's no longer a kodiak. but anyways it was really nice. i felt good because dragon and i had a really good chat on the way there and s' energy can cheer anyone up. plus hockey is wonderful and the game was so intense! c was losing 4-0 and c scored which bumped up their confidence and they came back and tied 4-4 with 1 second left then they won in overtime. i really needed a night out but it really made me miss number twelve.

hamilton wright mabi

"blessed is the season which engages
the whole world in a conspiracy of love".

love actually.

"but you know, the thing about romance is... people only get together right at the very end".

love sucks.

i neeeeeed to get laid sooo bad. it's not even funny. all i do is think about number 12 and it's getting ridiculous. i just want him to come on over and ravish me for a long while then stay for the night and ravish me a few more times. that is all.

i love that boy.

i may have blogged about this already but i remembered it tonight so i'm going to mention it now. i totally was a mess the other day. like freaking out, going crazy and being upset about number twelve. and i was talking to number 12 and telling him how  upset i was and i was all over the place. so mid conversation i was like, "i'm sorry, i'm just crazy". and he responded with, "all the best people are. i believe alice in wonderland says so". and it honestly just melted my heart. i am absolutely head over heels crazy about that boy.

wheuuu!

ahhhhhhh i am so fucking jacked right now!!!!!! i just saw my marks for three of my classes and i got an A in psych, an A- in nas, and get ready for it an A- in histroy. i am so effin jacked on the history mark. i legitimately thought i was going to like fail that class and this is the most exciting thing of my life. wheeuuuuu.

the cheesiest thing i've ever said and actually meant it.

her: what do you really want for sure for christmas?

me: number 12.

viscious cycle.

you know, it's funny. i had a really good day yesterday. i thought i was doing better. but each day that gets better is followed by a day when it's worse. it hurts more than i thought it could. and i feel more broken and empty than i thought imaginble.

he's him.

i was never this girl. i never let myself need anybody. i always made fun of girls who acted like their lives were over because they lost a boy. and now, i'm that girl. i feel like my life is over. like i don't know anything. that'd i'd give up anything for him. how does one boy captivate your heart and soul like that?

without you it's hard to survive.

her life was stole, now we'll never know.

love is funny that way.

I figure that if the rest of my life goes downhill from here,
if nothing goes right and I'm stuck on my deathbed wondering
what the high point in my life was, I can be comforted in the fact
that I probably loved you more than anything in the entire world.
that you were my high point.

how did i become this way?

i'm reading old blog posts about number twelve right now. good call b. way to get over that whole bawling excessively thing. i'm pretty sure reading about how and why you fell in love with him is not going to help the situation.

keith.

baby, you're my better half.

i wanna be your everything.

you meant more to me then, than i think you ever knew.

all i know is i love you to much to walk away.

it's funny. i just gave him the key to my world. to my secrets. i'm not scared. i'm not worried. the only thing i think he doesn't know, is how much i really love him.

because i do.

I'm so scared that I will want to love you
forever, and you will want me only
for a few moments in your life.

you're the one thing that i know for sure.

we were talking about life. and he said he hates thinking about the past because it makes him very angry. he makes him angry about the choices he's made. his regrets. everything. and i said everything? he said yes, everything.
what do you do when the only person you're in love with tells you they regret everything? years of friendship, years of being together, all of it. how do you respond. i don't think anyone has hurt like that before. in that moment, my heart shattered. and everything i've ever known broke into pieces. and it's funny you know, i'd still do anything to be with him. i'd give up my life to be with the boy that told me he regrets our everything.

if you're calling 'bout my heart, it's still yours.

because it's a humbling experience to put yourself out there,
give someone your heart, to open up to them and be faced
with a vulnerability that only comes with this sort of statement.
because what is worse than when one you love
forgets to love you back?

i can't help falling in love with you.

i've spent some time with number twelves sister lately. it's really quite nice. i've come to the conclusion that his family is literally incredible. and i'm so jealous, i'm happy for him but i'm jealous. i suppose that they have their issues like all families do but they're strong. i like his sister. nc is really nice and she's chatty and just genuinely a really good person. she loves a boy and he controls her and i worry about it. but i've been doing my best to support her. i like learning more about their family, just little things that boys don't find interesting or important. i feel like the more time i spend with her, the better i understand him. and honestly it just makes me fall even more in love with him.

i lied. i'm in tears right now.

well i think i've broken out of the crying phase. at least for now. now i just don't feel anything. i think it's been two whole days since i've cried. althought just thinking about him makes me almost burst into tears. i'm really not sure what to do anymore.

that's all it takes chuck bass

three words. eight letters. and i'm yours.

Jesus take the wheel.

i'm sorry for the way i've been living my life.
i know i've got to change.

she loves you and she's sorry.

mr. twain

what hurts the most.

antelope hunter's rules of opposite sex interactions.

1) she must be shorter than him
2) she must weigh less than him
3) her hair must be longer than his
4) he must be stronger/more muscular than her.

these make me laugh. generally, i follow them. but really, you can't choose who you love. life would be much easier that way though.

hepburn.

i believe in pink.
i believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
i believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
i believe in being strong when everthing seems to be going wrong.
i believe happy girls are the prettiest girls.
i believe that tomorrow is another day and
i believe in miracles.

audrey.

your heart just breaks, that's all. but you can't judge or point fingers.you just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.

miss monroe

i believe that everything happens for a reason.
people change so that you learn to let go,
things go wrong so you'll appreciate them when they're right.
you believe lies so you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
and sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.

dear s,

bahahahah all the sex chat on your blog was wonderful. i love it s.

greatest i still love you cd of all time.

austin- blake shelton
i still miss you- keith anderson
the last kiss- taylor swift
more than a memory- garth brooks
the best of me-jason aldean
everytime i hear your name- keith anderson
my wish- rascal flatts
everything is you- eli young band
not a day goes by- lonestar
invisibly shaken- rodney atkins
what hurts the most- rascal flatts
goodbye my lover-james blunt
breathe- taylor swift
need you now- lady antebellum
if i had eyes- jack johnson
miss you like crazy- the moffats
goodbye- miley cyrus
back to december- taylor swift
these days- rascal flatts
run- george strait
it matters to me- faith hill
broken- lifehouse
more than anyone- gavin degraw
honesty- rodney atkins
just to see you smile- tim mcgraw
speak now- taylor swift

you are the wind beneath my wings.

did i ever tell you you're my hero?
you're everything i would like to be.

dancing where the stars go blue.

Where exactly did you first kiss the last person you kissed?
in antelope hunter's kitchen.
hen exactly was the last time you kissed them?
thursday morning.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
not enough.
Where did you sleep last night?
my bed.
Are you legal to drink?
you betcha.
Do you straighten your hair?
if i'm motivated enough to actually do my hair.
What's the closest black thing to you?
my computer.
When is your birthday?
september.
What color shirt are you wearing?
black hoodie, pink and grey sports bra.
Do you have a best friend?
kinda. how do you define best friend.
What are you saving your money up for right now?
i'm pretty sure you require income to save money. but i wanna go to europe again.
Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for?
i'm really not sure about that right now. i sure hope so.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
would i recommend it, no. did i look like this at the library, yes.
Do you have any jewelery on?
my ring.
What flavor ice cream did you last have?
oreo cheesecake blizzard and my oh my was it delicious.
How many pillows do you sleep with?
well i used to sleep with three until one got stolen.
How was last weekend?
ugh. don't even ask.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
i love someone.
Who was the last person's voice you heard?
my history prof?
What kind of pizza was the last kind you had?
pepperoni.
Have you had the chicken pox?
yes a long, long time ago.
What's your current problem?
what isn't my current problem.
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around?
i'm really not sure. i used to. but i'm struggling to believe that being a good person gets you anything in life.
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
always.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall. i love layers.and i love back to school and my birthday.
What was on your mind mostly today?
history, my crazy sister, fighting with big brother, number 12.
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
yes it's an awful habit. i don't reccomend it.
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
no. i'm having a rough little while.
What was the highlight of today?
the glass of wine i'm enjoying to regain sanity.
Do you hate anyone?
i'm pretty damn close to hating sofa king but hate is a really really strong word.
In the next 5 months, what are you looking forward to most?
having three and a half weeks to relax, finishing year two.
Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now?
yes.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my momma.
Have you ever wasted too much time on a certain boy or girl?
i like to think that nothing is a waste of time. i've learned alot from everyone i've given my time to. even if that lesson is that they aren't worth it.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i really wish he is.
Has anyone disappointed you recently?
myself. and yes many.
At this moment in time, do you wish you could trade places with someone?
sometimes.
What color is your hair?
three colours of brown plus natual highlights from the sun.
What's the weather like outside?
cold and windy beyond belief.
What are you doing tonight?
getting ready for bed soon.
If you could push one person off of a mountain, who would it be?
that's rather harsh don't you think?
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
i'm not sure. i hope so but only time will tell.
Do you want to fix things with anybody?
so very badly. i'm not quite sure how though. i need to fix myself first.
Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
does wine count? then no. hard liquor, probably but i thoroughly enjoy me some grey goose.
What do you do during a thunderstorm?
enjoy it.
When is the last time you were amused?
with number 12's sister yesterday. she is hilarious.
Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
doesnt everyone have that in there life?
Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?
i bought them from lulu lemon at chinook i believe.
What do you think about nude beaches?
um not really crazy about the idea. i'm not really confident enough for that.
Where is your best friend right now?
cowtown, medicine hat and dead rear.
Do you drink on a regular basis?
drink casually yes. binge, no.
Have your parents ever searched your room or personal belongings?
yes, it's not as fun as you think... don't try it.
Have you ever been caught skipping class?
yes but it was a joke and i'm a good student/
Who has your heart?
number 12 of course.
Ever been suspended?
haha no i'm not quite bad ass enough for that. however, there are a few things i did in high school that if caught, i would've been.

just thinking of you and the way you look tonight.

"it doesn't make you noble to step away from something that isn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. especially then. it just made you a quitter. because if you were the problem, chances were you could be the solution. the only way to find out was to take another shot."

mental break from studying.

if you married the last person you texted what would your last name be?
texted: carreau
bbm: good
(is it weird they're both females?)
what would happen if you had a kid with the last person you kissed?
i'm 19, i'd flip the f out. however, if it had to happen, he is the one i'd pick.
what did you do today?
studied for hours on end then wrote a three hour exam now replenishing my brain to study more.
do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
probably but i wouldn't do that.
who will you be sleeping with tonight?
my blanket
do you do your own laundry?
yes it'd be weird if my roommate did it.
are you getting engaged any time soon?
nope, again 19.
what's the best part about being single?
if you do it right it's an absolute blast.
do you watch the hills?
nope, it's over now.
wearing any bracelets?
nope, never.
last thing someone bought for you?
gas i think.
do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
perhaps a bit but it's usually pleasant.
are you any different now than you were a year ago?
not even the same person i don't think.
are you taller than your mom?
you betcha.
is anything upsetting you right now?
more than i'd like to admit.
what's the farthest away from home you've ever been?
japan.
do you hate being alone?
depends when you ask me. today it's nice.
who was the last person you cried in front of?
number 12.
what's on your agenda for tomorrow?
chiro, meeting for history education, studying like mad, writing my psych final i hope.
if you could be with one person right now, who would it be?
number 12.
does anyone know your password except you?
yes, lots. it's been the same since grade 9.
did you have a good day yesterday?
pretty good for finals week i suppose.
does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
depends who it's with. most likely not.
have your parents ever caught you drinking?
yes but it's really not an issue anymore.
last december, what was your love life like?
i was letting go of someone i thought i loved and falling hard for the one i truly loved.
do you wash your hair in the shower?
isn't that the point?
what is your biggest fear?
not being enough.
when was the last time someone held your hand?
wednesday i think.
last nap?
not recent enough.
have you ever been kissed in a car?
yes mam.
how are you feeling right now?
stressed out, exhausted, lost, sorry, broken.
have you ever been with someone who treated you like crap?
i slept with someone who did and i've been friends with plenty. i'm not big on dating.
where would you like to be right now?
if i can bring a friend, somewhere hot. if not, calgary with that friend.
could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
easily.
what were you doing at 10:17 pm last night?
studying and fighting with big brother.
are you afraid to grow up?
kinda. but i think i'm ready.
what was/is your worst subject in school?
currently history is kicking my ass.
do you have a secret that you've never told anyone?
a secret of my own, nope. someone else's secret, yep.
last time you fell?
no idea. i fall a lot.
last place you took a plane to?
home from vancouver.
have you ever been around someone that was high?
yepp.
two words to explain why you last threw up?
probably alcohol.
what are your plans for the weekend?
going home and drinking excessive amounts of wine.
ever kissed someone who smokes?
no. actually, yes i have. i forgot about that stupidity.
how many children do you plan on having?
either zero or four.
what is something you wish you had more of?
money, time, energy.
what were you like a year ago?
strong, happy, finding myself. if i'm honest i kinda miss it.
how many times is 'a' in your full name?
3
what time was it two hours ago?
5:15
what's the weather like outside?
dark and windy as f.
who are you currently texting?
no one.
bbm: ps and dream team chat.
are your fingernails painted?
no, i have zebra print acrylic nails.

don't look back, unless it's a good view.

and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
- the beatles

touche.

the only thing worse than an empty bed
is a vacant heart laying in one.

thank fucking goodness.

"you may feel as though you have reached your limit with a certain situation. you have suffered from the headache and the stress; you've been through the hand-wringing and you've spent tense moments pacing the floor, and you just don't want to take it anymore. guess what, virgo? you don't have to take it anymore. a difficult time is coming to an end. the light at the end of the tunnel is the sun, not an oncoming train. little by little chaos is dissipating. and your life is about to become amazingly, fantastically, enjoyable fabulous."

it only takes a moment.

sometimes you don't realize how much you miss something
until it comes back into your life  for one silent moment.

21.

ps. it's tswift's birthday today.

how do you know when you turn crazy?

wine and sex are the only things that can make me feel better right now. well perhaps laying in number twelve's arms after sex wouldn't be awful either.

to girls with boys in different towns.

fuck me it's been a long day. i spent 10 hours in the library today. and had a lovely chat with number twelve's sister only to make me miss him and wish things were different. like i literally mean fuck me, i'd loveeeeee to have some sex right now. i feel like it would be so relaxing and destressing and it would get my mind off of anything for awhile. ugh that'd be nice.

it's a game of give and take.

you can't hurry love
no, you just have to wait
she said trust, give it time
no matter how long it takes.

i have so much to say and no time to say it.

i love how for finals the library goes from being dead to mildly busy around midterms to packed around finals. all these kids who need an a+ just to pass the class because they have spent the last three and a half months drinking their parents money away.

i am fucking AWESOME.

bahahahahhahaha i just watched s' video about body size. it's incredible. however, i especially love one part because it's something either me or her would say.

i remember the moment.

is it possible that anyone loved as fiercely as we did on that day?

it takes every breath, leaves every scar.

if i'd knew then, what i know now,
i'd fall in love.

watch me strike a match on all my wasted time.

go and tell your friends that i'm obsessive and crazy,
that's fine. i'll tell mine you're gay.

and by the way,
i really, really hate that stupid old pickup truck
you never let me drive.
you're a redneck heart break
who's really bad at lying.

state the obvious, i didn't get my perfect fantasy.

and if you're missing me, you'd better keep it to yourself.
'cause coming back around here would be bad for your health.

as far as i'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn.

and if you come around saying sorry to me,
my daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be.

truth comes out a little at a time.

you'd better be careful what you do, i wouldn't wanna be in your shoes if they ever found you out. you'd better be careful what you say, it never really added up anyway. i've got friends in this town.

love, always. love, all ways.

a coward is incapable of exhibiting love;
it is the perogative of the brave.

you never know.

i apologized to jv today. i really like her a lot, she's very nice and a really fun time. she was one of the nicest people to me last year when i visited. i found out about a week ago that when number twelve and i were on a break they kinda had a thing and i pretty much killed that without any warning. i felt like such a dick when i heard that because i'm not like that and she is such a nice girl. i felt awful to think that i destroyed a relationship of his with someone that might've been better than me. someone that wouldn't have broken his heart. a couple that didn't hurt each other so much. i know there's nothing i can do now and she told me to not worry about it about 17 times and that i didn't need to apologize but i felt i did. so i feel a little better.

dry eyes.

i am exhausted. like beyond imagination. i think i counted about 10 hours at the lovely library today. in fact, i was there so long i sat by myself, and with 3 other groups who were each there for minimum 3 hours. yuck, finals here i come.

gotta love finals.

ugh. i was up by 8, at chiro by 9, class for 10, library since then. i finally came home about 10 minutes ago because i decided to eat something. i imagine i'll be here for less than an hour then i'll head back to the library.

i breathe out, i breathe in.

i spent some time on me this weekend. zoo lights friday then hanging out with number twelve. cuddling all night can be incredible therapy. yesterday i relaxed all day. watched a few movies, took care of me, talked to baby momma next door and went to bed early. today i spent some time at the library then talked to all my family, again to take care of me. it was a nice few days, now back to cracking down tomorrow.

maturity is a rare thing.

i am seriously so over your grade 8 drama. you get all your little friends to delete me off facebook, real mature. like that cuts me really deep. not. it makes me realize how much more mature i am than you and reiterates that getting the f out of rd was the best thing i could do for myself to actually grow up and learn how to move on. you're immaturity doesn't hurt me, or prove your point. it makes me smile, laugh even that you're that petty and immature that you think deleting someone from facebook is like a big deal.
also, it points out how weak you are. being a 'bully' via the computer screen is really easy. having the balls to actually say something real is entirely different. it took everything inside of me to apologize to you, it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. but there's this thing called courage, and respect. maybe give them a little look up in the dictionary... if your feeble mind can even read. perhaps attempt taking a class or two. you never know how much you might learn and grow as a person. anyways, good luck with your life. i hope you get places and figure out how to grow up a bit.

step up.

no matter how hard it gets,
this  l o v e  will have no regrets.

you don't really wanna stay, but you don't really wanna go.

you're hot then you're cold,
you're yes then you're no.
you're in then you're out,
you're up then you're down.

xoxo.

wish me luck. xoxo

you're the one that changed me.

you'll see it'll be
you and me always,
always.

life throws you curves, you learn to swerve.

i'm hurt. and i'm upset. and a part of me is afraid that we'll fall back into it. but i don't want to. i'm better than that. i deserve a real relationship. and i'm really not sure how to feel about the whole situation. i mean yeah, i miss him and it hasn't even been 24 hours. but at the same time, i know i need this space. i know that i have to move on. if he isn't ready for this then i guess we just have to take some time to figure out what's best for us. and right now, i can't be his best friend. i'll always be a part of his life but for now i just have to try to move on. the hardest part of that is that i don't want to move on. i want to be with him. but he's not ready and i respect that. he knows how incredible it is and how different it is and that we may very well end up together. but right now and for the last six months, he's had me at his beck and call. and i get my hopes up and i think that maybe, just maybe he believes me. he trusts me. he can let it go. only to have him shatter my heart. and i love him, i really do. and those are big words for me. i love him. right now, what he needs most is to realize how much he loves me back. how much he needs me. how much he wants me. so for now, i have to let him realize how much he misses me when i'm not around. and i have to try and be the best version of me that i can.
i have to trust that our love is strong, that it can conquer this.
so i love you number twelve.

broken hearts and broken dreams.

i do not feel good right now. my stomach is in excruciating pain. if i'm honest, everything hurts. my head hurts, my neck, my brain, my arm has shooting pains. yeah i'm a mess, i know. i'm super stressed out. i'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. my heart hurts the most. i just want it all to stop.

they say i need to get on with my life, they don't realize.

cause when you're talking out loud and no one's there
you look like hell and you just don't care
drinking more than you ever drank
sinking down lower than you ever sank
when you find yourself falling fown upon your knees
praying to God, beggin him please;
that's when he's more than a memory.

people say he's only in my head, it's gonna take time but i'll forget.

when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone,
driving cross town just to see if he's home.
waking a friend in the dead of night,
just to hear them say 'it's gonna be alright'.
when you find the things to do not to fall a sleep,
'cause you know he'll be there in your dreams;
that's when he's more than a memory.

i do this so, this world will know that it will not change me.

as long as one heart still holds on, hope is never really gone.

when i get where i'm going.

it's been exactly five years since my grandfather died. i remember it like it was yesterday. i remember spending a month missing school like 3 or 4 days a week to go see him in the hospital in edmonton. i loved him so much. we would do puzzles together and watch the hockey games on mute. and sit in his office and pretend we were big, wonderful accountants like him. we'd play board game after board game. he'd take me to the park. he really loved me, and i really loved him. i guess i just have to believe he's in a better place now.
i love you and miss you poppa, every day.

i've missed you every minute since you left.

when i get where i'm going on the far side of the sky. the first thing that i'm gonna do is spread my wings and fly. i'm gonna land beside a lion, run my fingers through his mane where i might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain.
yeah, when i get where i'm going there'll be only happy tears. i will shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years. and i'll leave my heart wide open, i will love and have no fear. yeah, when i get where i'm going, don't cry for me down here.
i'm gonna walk with my grandaddy and he'll match me step for step. i'll tell him how i've missed him every minute since he left and then i'll hug his neck.
yeah, when i get where i'm going there'll be only happy tears. i will shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years. and i'll leave my heart wide open, i will love and have no fear. yeah, when i get where i'm going, don't cry for me down here.
so much pain, so much darkness in this world we stumble through. all these questions i can't answer, there's so much work to do. but when i get where i'm going and i see my Maker's face, i'll stand forever in the light of his amazing grace. yeah when i get where i'm going. yeah when i get where i'm going, there'll be only happy tears.
hallelujah.
i will love and have no fear.
when i get where i'm going, yeah, when i get where i'm going.

you mean well but you make this hard on me.

i learned the hard way. that they all say the things you wanna hear. my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words. your help just hurts. you are not what i thought you were. hello to high and dry. convince me to please you, make me think that i need this too. i'm trying to let you hear me as i am.

he was a good man.

i've heard tales those streets are paved in gold, they're
full of pot holes and empty souls who never learned,
love is something you gotta earn.

princess sarah, never grow up.

to you, everything's funny. you've got nothing to regret.
i'd give all i have honey, if you could stay like that.

i'd give all i have honey, if you could stay like that.

wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
always a bigger bed to crawl into.
wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
and everybody believed in you.

hearts stop beating.

It's 1:37 right now. I just wrote two pieces that will likely be published in a year or two. I got the book back finally, the published one. It's got about 20 ish pieces of my prose in it. I forgot how relaxing writing the truth can be. Not for a blog, but for someone who knows you. For someone who knows me and my writing and believes in it.

this is what 'i don't love you' feels like.

a few years ago i thought that i was in love with a boy. i was absolutely crazy about him. i did everything he ask, everything i thought he'd want, i tried to be be everything that i thought he wanted. i gave up pieces of myself for him. i gave up who i was like i was nothing, like who i was, who i am wasn't good enough. i loved him, so i was willing to give up everything.
i've learned a lot since then. i learned that my relationship with him was toxic. and that you don't have to give up who you are for anyone, no one is worth that, no matter how much you think you love them, nothing is worth giving up who you are. it took me three years to realize how much i'd given up. but when i did, i realized that it was the best thing for me, that i wasn't such bad company, and that i had better, other people in my life that were worth my time and energy, people that deserved to know me. it took me a long time to let him go but when i did, i moved on. and i realized that that wasn't love, how i felt for him wasn't true love. i cared about him and i always will but i really don't think that was love.
love is unconditional. when you love someone, you love all of them. flaws and all. and when life gets hard, when your relationship gets hard, it's hard together. true love isn't a fairy tale that knows no pain. it's two souls facing it together and diminishing it with unconditional love. you don't get to choose who you love. you just fall in love with them. and if you're lucky, the luckiest person in the world, that person loves you back. but it has to be unconditional. you don't get to change your mind or take back your love. you just have to trust that your love, our love, can conquer anything. and that belief is what moves it into reality.
i thought i was in love with a boy a few years back. turns out that back then i knew absolutely nothing about love. i thought i'd dealt with a broken heart before but this is different. sure i still think about the boy i thought i loved a few years back. i wonder how he's doing and i hope that life is treating him well. but i moved on and i could get past it. and moving on let me really fall in love with a boy. a boy that loved me more than most people know in a lifetime. and i know it was real because of it's ability to destroy me and moments later feel on top of the world. to know that when someone looks at you, they love what they see. the things that you dislike most about yourself are the things they love the most about you, because they make you you. and when that person is gone, when that person threatens to leave, you feel like your entire world is crashing down around you. that nothing else matters except for that one person.
there are six billion people in the world, six billion souls and you only need that one. that's how i feel. the thought of not being with him winds me. i can't get through a day without tears. i can't sleep, or eat, or concentrate. or really do anything because the mere thought of losing him destroys every piece of me. the concept that we aren't going to end up together, that we aren't gonna get past this, it makes me speechless. i can't explain how awful of a feeling it is. to know that i love one person so much and i couldn't see it when it was right in front of me. to know that i let fear crawl into the back of my mind and destroy it. to know that i let fear destroy that feeling in the pit of my stomach. to know that i might never be with him again makes me physically sick. i feel like nothing else matters, like nothing ever will.
they say if you love something, let it free. if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. if it doesn't, it never was. right now it feels like nothing else matters, like i'm never gonna be okay. but if you need me to let you go then i will. because i truly love you with everything that i have. i just really hope you find the courage to come back to me someday.

won't take nothing but a memory.

i thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. out here it's like i'm someone else, i thought that maybe i could find myself.

just gonna stand here and watch me burn.

you ever loved somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em. you meet and neither one of you know what hit 'em.

i can't tell you what it really is, i can only tell you what it feels like.

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though.

it ain't exactly what i had in mind, for goodbye.

some are coming home, some are leaving town
while my world's crashing down.

nothing to say, don't even try.

so this is how it ends.
this is where it all goes down.
this is what 'i don't love you' feels like.

grow the heck up.

i am so incredibly tired of stupid douchebag boys being immature. please grow up soon and stop creating drama like you're an eight grade girl. thanks.

cinderella

no matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing,
the dreams that you wish will come true.

not so rare if you ask me.

according to cosmo, 1 in 100 people are asexual. it's a rare condition, but it happens.
excuse me cosmo but 1 in 100 people is not a very rare amount. that's a very significant amount if you ask me. that's like 800 people in rd alone.

victoria's secret fashion show.

you already are what you are.
and what you are is beautiful.

i wish my heart bent more and broke less.

blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

bend till you break.

everybody has a breaking point.
i think i've reached mine.

it's always about love.

"all our young lives we search for someone to love. someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us."
- The Wonder Years

procrastination.

this year i have been doing so much better to not procrastinate however, this time. it got me. i have been putting off this paper/assignment/whatever you call it because anytime i sit down to do it i just cannot focus. i suppose i should have expected this, the doctors told me it would happen. that i would lose concentration and be in constant pain and my head would likely be in agony. they told me that my limbs will occasionally go numb and that i shouldn't be surprised if i have shooting pains in my arms or that i may become too weak to lift my arms. anyways mostly today i haven't been able to concentrate because of number 12 and what happened last night. i really thought we were over this time and now i don't know what to think... i suppose i'm just waiting for him to break my heart again. anyways i have 1000 words left to write before 9am. wish me luck.

hearts are put together as fast as they break.

s, love the thing about love and heart break.
so true. i'll probably put it on here tomorrow but right now i don't have time to type it out.

you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don't already see them.

i bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold,
but the cycle ends right now
'cause you can't lead me down this road
and you don't know what you don't know.

nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
every little bump in the road i tried to swerve
people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.
nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

it's two a.m.,
feeling like i just lost a friend
i hope you know it's not easy,
easy for me.
it's two a.m. feeling like 
i just lost a friend
i hope you know
it's not easy, easy for me.

but i have to.

and we know it's

never s i m p l e, never e a s y

never a clean break,

no one here to save me.

you're the only thing i know

like the back of my hand.

i can't breathe without you.

music starts playing like the end of a sad movie,
it's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see.
'cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
now i don't know what to be without you around.

virgo: november 27, 2010

"you may now be accepting someone's bad behaviour simply becahse you always tolerated it in the past. there is a precedent you have become used to, even though it really shouldn't be acceptable now. back then you were more naive, and you didn't know how to look at this from a mature perspective. now you do. don't allow someone to treat you in a way that you know in your heart is neither appropriate or fair. stand up for yourself, and let it be known that the rules have changed."

"and you wonder why we're not close anymore"

i'm so tired of immature drama. if you really want to talk about why we're not close anymore you should maybe check the mirror on that one. yes, i moved away and we stopped being as close and i'll admit that that part was just as much my fault as yours, however you were given an ultimatum by another 'friend' and you chose her. for me, it didn't have to be either or but it was. and i told you that you could do whatever it was that you needed to do but when it came down to it, you knew it was gonna be me that was there for you. and i told you that she would screw you over again. and she did. and now you're mad because i didn't text you and tell you i was assaulted and that that's why were not close. maybe if we were so close like you say, you'd have known something was wrong and i wouldn't have had to go about it this way.

when you can't lean on no one else, that's when you find yourself.

this world ain't fair, it can knock you on your butt.
you can just like that, or you can get back up.

you gotta get back up.

there are times in life when you gotta crawl, lose your grip, trip and fall. when you can lean on no one else, that's when you find yourself. i've been around and i noticed that, walking's easy when the road is flat and dang those hills' get you everytime. the good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb.

there he goes, so perfectly. the kind of flawless i wish i could be.

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only thing that keeps me
wishing on a wishing star.
he's the song in the car i keep singing, don't know why i do.

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only one who's got
enough of me to break my heart.
he's the song in the car i keep singing, don't know why i do.
he's the time taken up but there's never enough
and he's all that i need to fall into.

william rast.

ohhh my gosh. i'm so incredibly excited right now. i just bought my first two christmas presents and also did my first online shopping ever! i am so excited i bought number twelve a beautiful pair of jeans on sale for 120 bucks less than regular price probably 100 after shipping and charges and my self the same thing. (well santa bought mine haha) but i am ever so excited. number 12 is absolutely choked at me because he didn't want me too so he wouldn't tell me his pant size so i called his mother hahaha. i always win. but they are so beautiful and we are done but i'd still get him a christmas present anyways because he's him. the best part is that they don't ship these jeans to canada so i was really sad the other day when i saw them and couldn't order them. i forgot however that my brother's (in law if we're technical) sister lives in the states and is coming home for christmas. therefore, i sent them to her place(which loses international charges woo) and then she can bring them home! yaay! so so so excited!

love alone is never enough.

i have so much to say or write i suppose but i am much too drained to say anything.

everything is you.

it's really over.

fortune cookie, you lied.

i guess you never really know when it's gonna be over.

perpetuation.

i just opened my fortune cookie that says, "you will soon receive pleasant news of a personal nature." and on the back guess what the first number is... twelve. i told you number twelve perpetuates my life.

white magic.

i'm sitting here in the library working on a history project. it's actually a neat project and i'm pretty excited about it. i have to create an activity for students to complete in a classroom using 3 primary sources however i'd like. it's really neat this class because she's teaching us how to teach history and think historically.

also, s, i think i'm going to take a page from your book and start spending more time in the library. it's really beautiful here because the rolling hills and giant bridge and buildings on the other side of whooop up make snow/ winter beautiful.

back to work.

bahaha

"wishes are for girls with broken hearts and boys with broken condoms."

are you ready to be a parent? no.

seriously, having unsafe sex is not a cool thing to do. you are 19, your body cannot wait to get prego. that's what it's built for, you're at a prime age biologically to have children. don't be dumb. and especially, when you've always called others out for it, do not get defensive and upset with the person for calling you out. you're being a hypocrite. so grow up and deal with the consequences of your action.

turn it up.

i like the sound of the fireplace crackling,
watching a movie, holding you tight.
yeah, i love it when i hear you laughing,
at that joke i've told a thousand times.
and i like the sound of guitars screaming,
music so loud we talk with our eyes.

i like the sound of the alarm clock ringing, means i'll spend another day with you.

turn it up a little louder, i can never ever get enough.
turn it up, turn it up, 'cause whenever i'm aroud you
you've got me thinking that,
i like the sound of that.

i like the sound of your heart beating,
in my arms right here right now.
when it's so quiet i can hear you breathing,
that may be my favorite sound.

luke bryan.

don't worry about nothing,
let it go, see what tomorrow brings.
don't worry about nothing,
pray about everything.

just a few of my favorite artists.

-brad paisley. he's incredible.
-tswift of course.
-carrie underwood
-jack's mannequin
-everly
-tyler hilton
-blink 182 (i'd do almost anything to see them live)
-john michael montgomery (unbelieveable classic country)
-gavin degraw
-lady antebellum
-the beatles. if you ever need anything, they'll cheer you up.
-the kooks
-all american rejects
-augustana
-dashboard confessional
-jack. there is one and only one jack johnson.
- jimmy eat world
-jason aldean
-audioslave
-kate nash
-kate voegele
-marianas trench
-nada surf
-michelle branch/ the wreckers
-senses fail
-the cranberries
-sugarcult
-three doors down
-tim mcgraw
-yellowcard
-miranda lambert. i never used to be a fan but she's grown on me.
-michael buble
-frank sinatra
-la rocca
-keane
-keith anderson
-keith urban
-the eagles
-jason aldean
-illscarlett
-goo goo dolls.
-george strait. country at its best.
-foo fighters
-eve 6
-enation
-emerson drive

i wanna be 'she'.

"she's everything i ever wanted,
everything i need.
i talk about her i go on and on and on.
'cause she's everything to me."

may you never take one single breath for granted.

there's no combination of words i could put on the back of a post card. no song that i could sing but i ca  try for your heart. our dreams, and they are made out of real things. like a shoebox of photographs, sephia tone loving. love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart. like why are we here? and where do we go? and how come it's so hard? it's not always easy and sometimes life can be decieving; i'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.

love is fearless.

lucky numbers.

i need to win the lottery. like badly. i'm dying from lack of shopping. i've spent sooo much time online and there's soo much i want. yuck, university broke-ness sucks.

so little time.

ugh i do not feel good right now.

i miss the girl i used to be.

i was looking at old pictures of myself today and i think that grade 12 was the best year of my life. i honestly hd so much fun and it was so much less stressful and everyone just got along. everyone got over the drama and just had fun. it didn't matter if you were popular or not, probably the most stuck up girl at the school had a party for all graduating students of our year. she has an acrage and everyone in our grad class was invited and it was really cool to just see that.
i was healthiest then i think. i was happy and a good size and i had good friends and it was just really nice. i wish i could go back to that, or at least be the kind of person i was then. maybe that's my issue. i don't know how to be that person again.

you're subtleties, they strangle me.

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.

there's a place in your heart and i know that it is love.

heal the world, make it a better place.
for you and for me and the entire human race.
there are people dying, if you care enough for the living
make a better place for you and for me.

there's gotta be something more.

there's gotta be something more, gotta be more than this.
i need a little less hard times, i need a little more bliss.

always love, hate will get you every time.

it's coming down to nothing more than apathy.

i never knew that everything was falling through.

where did i go wrong?
i lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness.

i told you, you could always count on me.

baby there ain't no mountain high enough,
ain't no valley low enough,
ain't no river wide enough;
to keep me from getting to you.

baby there ain't no mountain high enough.

just call my name i'll be there in a hurry you don't have to worry.

don't forget boy, you're your momma's only son.

are you still a bullet in your daddy's gun?

are you the man you thought you'd be?

you say you're living on the edge and i think you're hanging from the ledge; too scared to hold the hand that wants to help you up.

excuses for the answers that you lack.

you took a little piece of home and you threw away the rest.

falling for you, i fell for you.

there's so much on my mind, it's tearing me apart.

one more day, one more time.

last night i had a crazy dream. a wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything. i didn't ask for money or a mansion by the pool; i simply wished for one more day with you.

you can't break a broken heart.

i'd rather you be mean than love and lie.
i'd rather hear the truth than have to say goodbye.
i'd rather take a blow, at least then i would know;
but baby don't you break my heart slow.

maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming.

i feel lost. i think number 12 is done. and i really don't blame him. at the very least, i don't deserve him. i just can't imagine my life without him. you all know my feelings on love and telling someone you love them but i really do love him with my whole heart. i'd do anything for him. and i don't always treat him the way he deserves to be treated and i'm really working on it. but i think he's just over it. i think he wants to move on. and it breaks my heart. i think he's holding on for me though. and i don't want that. i just want a relationship with him and i don't think he's ready for that. and i get that, i respect it. but is he ever going to respect me enough again to be in a relationship. i can wait, i just need to know if i'm waiting for something real or if i'm waiting to get my heart broken. if you wanna break my heart, do it now. my heart really can't be shattered a whole lot more right now, i can't possibly feel that much worse than i already do. so if you can never let this go, if you can never move past it, if you never want to be with me, please, i'm begging you just end it now, but baby don't you break my heart slow.

just find the courage to face it all for another day.

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay in the path, will others tell you who you are, or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice, or embrace a new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.
There comes a time when every live goes off course. In this desperate moment, who will you be? Will you let down your defences and find solace in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? WIll you face your greatest fears, bravely, and move forward with faith? Or will you secome to the darkness in your soul?"

just a stranger on a bus trying to make his way home.

what if God was one of us?

one question, was it you?

the last post has really been bothering me for the last week. if i am honest, i'm actually really shaken about what happened to me last wednesday. i'm really not sure what to think or what to feel. i wish i knew what happened. i have no desire to go to normal teenage things. i'm not a huge drinker as it is (minus wine of course) but i have no desire to go out with my friends or anything. i just have no desire to be anywhere that i could be in that kind of situation again. and i'm sure with time this feeling will fade like most do but i just can't imagine what kind of person could do something like that.

i see a stranger in the mirror.

"Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and seen a stranger in the background. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life and not even know it."

what if i told you that innocence was yours.

what if i told you your tears haven't been ignored?
and everything that was taken can be restored.
feel this, can you feel this?

the world you desire can be won.

"There are moments in our life that we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in awhile people push on to something better; something found just beyond the pain of going on alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in; or give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you are tested that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you are tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist. Somewhere on the other side of the hardwork and faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

i think i might have to so it alone.

"Life comes at us from out of the darkness and at times we can struggle to find the courage to face it. When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose th face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise, and will their love for you help them guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness? Will they make noble choices? Or will that person be someone untested, someone new?
Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness and when it does there's someone in your life that you can count on. Someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall and in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears alone."

the only thing you want is just to be still for awhile.

if your heart wears thin, i will hold you up.

passion unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey? Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us. Truth is still absolute. Believe that, even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when that truth is more painful than any lie.

sofa king.

and i'll look back and regret how i ignored when they said,
"run as fast as you can".

all you need is one good friend.

my daddy used to tell me, any man can be a king.
it ain't that complicated, it's a very simple thing.
you don't need no castle, or a throne for sitting in.

how about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me

if i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose,
if i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
if you don't get drunk off my kiss,
if you think you can do better than this.
then i guess we're done, let's not drag this on;
consider me gone.
consider me a memory, consider me the past.
consider me a smile in an old photogragh;
someone who used to make you laugh.

if i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose.

everytime i turn a conversation to something deeper than the weather, i can feel you all but shutting down. and when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now. what you're not saying is coming out loud and clear. we're at a crossroads here.

sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all.

are we just holding on to things that we don't have anymore?

you used to shine so bright but i watched all of it fade.

all the girls that you run dry with tired lifeless eyes
cause you burned them out.
but i took your matches before fire could catch me
so don't look now.

i can see the pain in your eyes.

everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.

life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.

we call them fools, who have to dance within the flame
who'd chance the sorrow and the shame
that always come with getting burned.

i used to be strong.

we call them strong, those who can face this world alone.

life's picking up.

ohhhh my gosh. i got the new blackberry bold and it is beautiful and i love it.

victor hugo

"the first symptom of love in a young man is shyness.

the first symptom in a women, it's boldness."

salt water.

i'm seriously in so much pain. my head has never hurt this bad in my whole life. like i'm in tears it hurts that much. i just want it to stop.

fishy situation.

all i want to know is what the f happened to me last wednesday. i want to know if it is who they suspect it is. i want to see him in person, it is the only way to know for sure. i just feel like everything about it is fishy. and please i beg for anything to make my head stop hurting.

stupid concussion.

i really really really wish my head would stop hurting.

then i did.

i've gotta go and find these dreams.

everybody's got something they had to leave behind.

i never had a dream come true until the day that i found you
even though i pretend that i've moved on, you'll always be my baby.
i never found the words to say you're the one i think about each day;
and i know no matter where life takes me to
a part of me will always be with you.

the kooks.

you're so naive.

there will be an answer.

whisper words of wisdom,
let it be.

if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right.

i'm only gonna break your heart.

number 12 and i made a cake on saturday and we spent the whole day together. we took the dogs to the park and played fetch for like two hours and then we came home and raked the leaves and he tackled me to the ground and the dogs just loved it. max and ford and number 12 were all on top of me shoving leaves down my jeans. so funny. it was incredible. he made me lunch and it was nice. but in their kitchen there are pictures from the wedding that they went to a few months back and i have to be honest, it really upsets me still. i know i should be over it and i can't change it and it was me that cheated on him but he went into that knowing how much it would hurt me. and i'm not over it because i'm not in family pictures with them. there's no pictures of him and i on the fridge. and we've been together for two and a half years. is it wrong that that upsets me?

he picked me, fuck off.

i fuckinggg hate hate hate some stupid girls. like two in the whole world i hate. but i hate hate hateeee them so much. i realize hate is a strong word but i seriously hateeeeee these two girls. they both go out of their way to make number 12 not like me. they will do anything to try and make me jealous. and i am not a jealous person. i occasionally get jealous but i don't just hate girls. just leave him alone. he's mine. there are how many other boys out there. number 12 is mine so go f off.

law and order.

i can't magine being a police officer. like i have always wanted to be on the svu team in new york but i can't imagine coming home being like hi honey how was your day. oh good i shot and killed someone you.

i hate winter.

this morning i missed my class because i didn't realize it snowed or that it was minus 10000 outside so my vehicle couldn't defrost fast enough and i couldn't scrape it off fast enough so by the time i got to school i would have been 15 minutes late. and i hate walking into class late. so instead i went and got a coffee and spend the morning in the library until i had class again. and i don't plan to leave my home until it is integral to my survival because it's flipping freezing.

negative nancy.

i hate winter. i hate cold. and i hate stupid la wind. it's flipping freezing here.

confessions.

don't confess this thing that breaks my heart.

it's perfect; didn't seem so perfect.

trying to fit a square into a circle was your life.

we go together like bamblambada.

you're the one that i want.
you are the one that i want.

and my heart is set on you.

you'd better shape up,
cause i need a man.

i need you.

help, i need somebody.
help, not just anybody.

i'll follow you.

where do you go when you're lonely?
where do you go when you're blue?

three words, eight letters; i love you.

number 12.

i hope so.

he chose you; that has to mean something.

the rest of us just have to keep moving forward.

people who are meant to be together
always find their way in the end.

i like s.

why does everyone hate serena van der woodsen?
and why does everyone want to destroy her?

what if you don't.

careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

the gossip girl men are exquisite.

nate archibald, dan humphrey and chuck bass; please ravish me.

i'm gonna give all my secrets away.

tell me what you want to hear.

university life.

i wish that when you picked your program and minor that they just gave you a schedule and you had no choice but to take the exact classes they told you to. it would make life so much easier. i mean i like that i can pick what classes and take things that interest me but i am soooo indecisive so it's so frustrating to pick my classes. and partly i am trying to take everything in one semester.

all i feel is pain.

you didn't have to do it but you did it to say that
you didn't have to do it but you would anyway.

just one single blow.

you have knocked me off my feet again,
got me feeling like i'm nothing.

luke scott.

"does this darkness have a name? this cruelty , this hatred, how did it find us? did it steal into our lives or did we seek out and embrace it? what happened to us? that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war... hoping for their safe return... but knowing that some will be lost along the way. when did we lose our way? consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. does this darkness have a name? is it your name?"

tennessee williams.

"when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely,
it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."

lonely.

i'm so scared right now. and i'm really not even sure i have anything to be afraid of. i just don't know what's going on in my life and it scares me so much. and being in the middle of a police investigation and worrying and i just am so ____. i have no words to describe how i feel.

it finally hit me.

i am an absolute mess.

everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you.

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you.

Always a bigger bed to crawl into.

Wasn't it easier in your lunch box days?

again, stolen from s.

Ten How's
How did you get one of your scars?
Physical or emotional? I decided it'd be a great idea to run down a steep hill with my puppy and ate the ground thus destroying my knees.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I celebrated for the weekend. I went to cow town and spent two days with number twelve, had a nice supper with my daddy and him. I came home, visited my family, my momma made me supper and then I had a small house party and went to the bar with my friends. Family supper in cow town the next night.
How are you feeling at this moment?
Exhausted. In every way shape and form I am exhausted. I really don't know how to feel.
How did your night go last night?
You mean other than being pulled out of a truck by my hair and offered cocaine? It was just peachy.
How did you do in high school?
Pretty good. I slacked pretty bad, especially in grade 12 but I was an honour student the entire time.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I'm wearing a hoodie from lulu lemon and I bought it just because it is extremely comfortable.
How often do you see your best friend?
Not often enough. I couldn't pick just one but I don't see any of them enough.
How much money did you spend last month?
I don't think anything other than gas, groceries and going out.
How old do you want to be when you get married?
22-25. I'm not really sure that's going to happen though.
How old will you be on your next birthday?
20 and now I'm completely reconsidering changing my answer for the previous question. Sheesh I'm getting old.

SevenWhat's
Your mother's name?
B.
What did you do last weekend?
Studied for three days straight with number twelve. It was perfect.
What is the most important part of your life?
I can't pick just one. My family is important to me, good friends, writing, and especially being myself.
What would you rather be doing?
Laying in number 12's arms.
What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Security. I have to feel safe when he's in my presence. I have to know that I'm going to be okay because he loves me enough to take care of me.
What are you worried about?
I'm not even going to go there, it'll be a long freaking list.
What did you have for breakfast?
I didn't. Nurse at the hospital wouldn't even let me drink my coffee.

Six Have You's
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yep. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes I love to travel. I think I've been to nine countries now.
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
You betcha.
Have you even been back stabbed by a friend?
Who hasn't? Experience suggests I try to pick better friends these days.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Nope, maybe it's just me but I find that really weird. Even if he was like six months younger than me I think it would bother me.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Probably, I'm kind of a nerd.

Six Who's
Who was the last person you saw?
My sister.
Who was the last person you texted?
I don't know my phone is MIA. Probably number 12 or phlg.
Who was the last person you hung out with?
My daddy and sister.
Who was the last person to call you?
Number twelve.
Who did you last hug?
My daddy.
Who was the last person you said, 'I love you' to?
My sister and daddy when they went to bed.

Five Where's
Where does your best friend live?
Approximately 3 blocks from my daddy's house.
Where did you last go?
The hospital.
Where did you last hang out?
My sister's.
Where do you go to school?
L.A. also known as Lethvegas.
Where is your favorite place to be?
Number twelve's arms. Geographically speaking, North Carolina. Duke University to be specific.

Four Do's/Does
Do you love someone?
Yes, very much.
Do you think anyone likes you?
I'd like to think so yes.
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No, not really. I mean it would be cool to be a celebrity or a princess for a few days but I'm pretty content with who I am. Or at least, who I used to be.
Does the future scare you?
Honestly, yes. But at the same time, fear ruins everything. I can control what happens in my future to a certain degree, and what I can't isn't really worth stressing. (You have no idea how long it's taken number twelve to teach me to think this way).

Four Why's
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
She saved me from committing suicide about 7 years ago. And the rest because they love me for me and make me laugh.
Why did you get a facebook account?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
My momma heard my first name somewhere and really liked it. And my middle name is my grandmother on my daddy's side's name.
Why are you doing this survey?
I wanted to distract myself from my own thoughts.

Three If's
If you could have one superpower what would it be?
I really don't know. It'd be nice to be harry potter-esque and be able to fly on a broom and transport via flew powder ad port keys and still be able to fix things with magic. Wow, I'm a nerd.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
If you asked me this question yesterday I would have said no. I am who I am because of what I've been through and I'm pretty content with that. Sure there's some things I'd probably have done differently but at the same time I can't so no sense looking back. Right now, I'd like to go back to yesterday and not drink anything so I could remember last night and not be in the middle of this situation.
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
Number 12.

One Would You Ever
Would you ever go sky diving?
I highly doubt it. I'm not big on that kinda stuff. But I'd go sky diving before I'd go bungee jumping.

One Last Question
Are you happy with your life right now?
Not really, no. Happiness is a condition, not a destination. It is fleeting. and my happiness has definitely taken a vacation.

dynamic.

it's funny how much a person can change in such a short time.

it'll only take a minute, to tell you everything.

be a best friend, tell the truth and overuse i love you.
go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense.
never let your praying knees get lazy.
and love like crazy.

humble.

i now understand how s feels when people tell her they like her blog. i mean i thoroughly enjoy reading her blog but i think it's kind of neat that other people who could be your neighbour or they could be on the opposite side of the world. i really needed to hear that today, that someone likes my blog. it kind of gave me hope after today. so thank you to the anonymous person who told me you enjoy my blog.

i just wanna feel okay again.

you have pointed out my flaws again,
as if i don't already see them.

a fine mess.

i don't feel anything at all. or maybe i feel everything so deep. i'm not sure what to do right now. i don't know how to feel or what to think or how to function. i can't think straight. i'm shaking. i'm so cold. my hands and feet are like purple because they are so cold. i'm just an absolute mess beyond comprehension.

please come home.

all that i was is for number 12 to come hold me in his arms all night long. i would do anything for a hug from him right now.

in flanders fields.

oh yeah, happy remembrance day.

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

this morning i woke up in a random person's apartment in lower fairview. they told me that last night they saw someone pull me out of a truck by my hair and leave me on the side of the road so they picked me up to make sure i was okay. then they asked me if i wanted to do a line of cocaine.
i then was picked up by my sisters and my phone was missing and proceeded to go to the hospital where i had  sexual assualt kit done and spoke with a police officer. i'm now the victim in an ongoing assualt police investigation.

all you're ever gonna be is mean.

i bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold;
but the cycle ends right now cause you can't lead me down that road.
and you don't know what you don't know.

only a few more hours.

done midterms, check.
packing, in progress.
home for five whole days, doesn't get much better than that.

life unexpected.

what happened to guys night??
what always happens, girls ruined it.

red wine is my love.

my roommate is really growing on me. we're thoroughly enjoying some quality cw time right now. haha he watched the end of one tree hill with me and now we're watching life unexpected. haha and wine and beer of course. it's quite a lovely way to end a terrible week of studying.

i bet we'd find it more often if we looked at it that way.

happiness is a condition not a destination.

wolfblass yellow label.

red wine is God's gift to the world, especially me after a day with 2 midterms and a terrible assignment.

tomorrow can't come fast enough.

i blew my econ midterm today and also got my history paper back and bombed that. i got 92 on my native studies paper though yay. but i am extremely unprepared for the psych test i'm going to write. i could study for 3 days and then write it but instead i'm going to write it tonight and go home tomorrow. i cannot wait to be home.

live with no regrets.

it's hard to hate what got me here.

patsy cline.

you want me to act like we've never kissed.
you want me to forget, pretend like we've never met.
and i've tried, and i've tried, but i haven't yet.
you walk by and i fall to pieces.

robert frost says so.

love is an irrestistable desire to be irresistably desired.

why is he so nice to me?

"i've come to the conclusion that chocolate is my weakness."
"finally, we found a flaw."

nothing does.

you still don't get it do you.
none of it matters without you.

every single night.

did some things you can't speak of,
but at night you live it all again.

love is pain.

never get into a relationship, they only equal hurt.

insomnia.

as per usual i didn't fall asleep until like 2 hours later last night.

the human condition.

like i said, i need sleep. it's almost 11. friday i went to bed at like 9:30. seriously, i'm going to sleep.

be strong, push through.

i think there i something wrong with me. i hate the doctor but i actually have to go friday. i have slept an excessive amount lately and that's unusual for me. i usually sleep like 6-7 hours and i'm golden but i've been exhausted lately. let's hope it's anemia, that's a fixable problem and is unlikely to kill me (i hope). i'd prefer anemia to mono. i suppose it could just be exhaustion. like complete physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. it has been a long few months and that could very well be the issue. it's getting to the point when i burn out. november does that to me.

stolen from s, love it.

"you know what i think we are most afraid of? not knowing. not knowing whether it's all really worth it. not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. it's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn't know that it was hot. not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

the story of us.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, so i layed down and had a nap on his bed. he came in his room, kissed my forehead and said if you need anything i'm only a few feet away. i'll be studying and watching over you making sure you're alright. then he covered me in blankets and waited patiently for me to wake up.

today our alarm went off at 7:30. i think he got up at about 8- 8:30 and he said go back to sleep gorgeous, close your eyes, i'll wake you up in a half hour. then again he kissed my forehead, and tucked me in so i wouldn't be cold without his arms around me. a short while later he came and sat of his bed with a nice fresh mug of coffee, put it in front of my nose and woke me up. then we layed in his bed for a good hour or two just talking and laughing and seriously enjoying being together. we talked about the future and where it might take us and he reminded me to just enjoy the little things and live for right now. then we spent the day doing homework.

i've found you find strength in your moments of weakness.

i'm really quite drained right now. i'm in excruciating pain, screw being a girl. also my weekend was lovely. i spent two days with number 12. we didn't do much other than study and enjoy each others company. it was perfect. he's not really the open your door, chivalrous, bullshit and try and impress you type. he is just him which i find intoxicating. he was incredibly sweet this weekend, thoughtful and it was really nice to just be us.

so this is love.

"put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it feels like an hour. sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. that's relativity."

-albert enstein

we've all messed up too.

it's okay, just wait and see.
your string of lights is still bright to me
and who you are is not what you did;
you're still an innocent.

the life of university students.

wish me luck on my native studies midterm tomorrow.
i'm half- nervous, half- just want it to be over and done with.
obviously so i can study for the other two on tuesday.

yep, it was the best kiss i've ever had.

it was different wasn't it.

long were the days when my nights revolved around you.

i'm really quite torn right now. my head's a mess. i need to study. i'm wondering where number 12's head is at. i am completely mentally exhausted, emotionally two. i could use a good cry but i have nothing left inside of me.

it's always gonna be there isn't it, you and me.

i know you think i;m crazy for working on things with him or maybe he's crazy to even consider giving me another chance. but right now i just need to see how it goes. we both know we want to be in each others lives and for now this is where we are. you're thinking, he's crazy; she cheated on him. and i did and i know i screwed up. but for right now, if he can accept that i made a mistake and i'm willing to make it up to him then maybe that's what we've got to do.
we have always had an absolutely postively fucked relatioinship. no one else has ever understood it. but that's just it, no one else has to.