people throw rocks at things that shine.

if this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

walk in my shoes.

it's funny how the people you've never judged for the things they've done are extremely judgemental of you to the point of throwing your mistakes in your face and using them against you.

they say 'never judge a book by its cover'.

You know it really bothers me that people are still judging me for cheating on number twelve. It's like they think I don't love him as much as I say I do or something. And to be honest, it pisses me right off. You are entitled to your opinion but you don't know the entire situation and you never ever will.
I get so frustrated because I love that kid more than most husbands and wives love each other. And I know that because of how much I love him and care about him despite all we've been through. I still see him and get weak. I still get giddy when I get a text message from him even when I'm so angry with him. And what most people don't understand is that despite the fact I would like to eventually end up with him, if he would be happier with someone else, I want him to be with someone else. I want him to have the best life in this world that he can have. I want him to be happy and I want every single one of his dreams to come true whether or not they include me.
Judge me all you want. Call me a bad person. Try and make me feel guilty. Whatever it is you need to do to feel better, do it. But know this:
I love that boy with a love that most people never experience. I believe in our love and the possibility of it. I am not a bad person, and I don't carry the weight of my mistakes anymore. I love him and I'm a good person that is deserving of  someone like him. And he's a good person that deserves my love. And I don't really care what anyone else thinks because it is our relationship. And I don't need you to understand.

you keep messin' up and I'll keep praying for you.

I havent been to church since I don’t remember when

Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them.

thank you.

Last night I saw a picture from a birthday party of someone I used to know. I used to wat to be friends with those people so bad I was willing to give up everything about myself to be who they wanted me to be. And now, I have no idea why.
I cannot comprehend how or why I wanted to be that way. I don't know why I was willing to give up who I am to be like them or why I thought they were 'cool'. I was just looking at this picture thinking they are exactly the same as they were 5 years ago. They haven't moved forward in their lives. They still do the same things on weekends and they are still friends with most of the same people. They are not bettering themselves or educating themselves on what else there is in the world.
I'm just so happy I grew out of that phase. I am so happy that I didn't end up like that. That I pushed on to something better, that I saw that I'm worth more than that. I think that's why I hate RD. So many people that are there still are exactly the same as they always were. And I want to be dynamic and ever-changing. I want to be a better person every single day of my life. I want to impact the world in a positive way and I want to create change. I want to be better.

bye bye blonde.

I got my hair did today!!!! (Yes I know that's completely gramatically incorrect) I got it cut and coloured today and I loveeee it. It's dark again, like really dark. And super pretty. It feels so nice. Always go dark when you're hair is dry or fried and it makes it so much better. I am so happy with what he did with it. It's a major change and I think it's a good thing.
I started to feel a little guilty today about everything with number twelve. TK told me not to feel bad or guilty that he really needs to know it's not okay to treat me like that. And I think that's what's hardest about this. I didn't say that to be a bitch or to hurt him. I want everything to work out with us eventually I just know that he's not ready. And to be honest, I don't think I am either. I really love him and I miss talking to him and spending time with him. I miss knowing what's going on in his life and I miss him knowing what's going on in mine. I just have to be strong and independent and myself for now. It's all going to work out in the end. People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end, right?

you like me thinking that, I like the sound of that.

and I like the sound of the alarm clock ringing,
means I'll spend another day with you.

don't you leave, cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door.

I said leave, but
all I really want is you.

can't stop the hurt inside, when love and hate collide.

Why is it always that the best days are followed by the worst days?

is this some sort of cruel joke?

"You may be worried that someone you believed cared deeply for you no longer does. Or, you may think that you have fallen from favor with someone who put you on a pedastal. But that's because you are hyper-focusing on things that person said or you are dwelling on mistakes you've made that you feel would cause someone to think less of you. But nothing is wrong. You are still beloved by that special person, and you probably always will be. Whether that person is right for you in his or her current role in your life may be another matter entirely. But you will figure that out in time, and you'll be fine with whatever you discover."

you're not sorry.

Also, I think I'm hilarious/clever/a major bitch/ standing up for myself.
Last night number twelve text me at like 12:30 and I didn't answer. then he sent me another text about fifteen minutes later to say happy birthday. And he used my full name... dick move. Again, I didn't answer... until this morning. I got up and waited a decent while before texting him and all I responded with was,
"thanks. but unless you're outside my door with flowers, a hug and one hell of an apology, we unfortunately have nothing more to talk about. "
It sounds really rude but it's just not okay to treat me like that and I need him to realize that.

birthday.

Today is my birthday and it has been fan freaking tastic so far. This morning I could've sworn I was in the university version of jersey shore. It was so funny. I got a coffee and took tim's to the boys when I went to pick up my wallet and they were like ohhh it's your birthday wheeeuuu and they started stomping and clapping and pounding on the table so loud until A got up and it was soo funny. They're just like "YEAAAAHHHH BUDDDYYY  B'S BIRTHDAY YEAAAHHHHH!!!" It was so funny. I died and then we just sat there for like 3 hours chatting and having the morning after conversation and it was great.
Mom and Nana came today and we went for lunch and got groceries etc. It was perfect. They also bought a cake so we'll have that tonight with a few people and just chill then back to the books haha.

woody.

Last night was funnnnn. I went to kummoniwanalaya and drank at the boys beforehand. It was really quite enjoyable except for the fact that the only thing I can smell right now is beer and it is really disgusting. I know, I know, I'll shower soon. Also, my stomach is raping me right now. It hates me so much and I don't know why. I only drank vodka and light beer last night. No shots, none of that garbage. haha it was really fun. I wish that s and my events could have been opposite nights because it would've been fun but it was really good to see her.
Also, yesterday in the library C wore a woody costume. hahahahaha fuck it was hilarious. Like he walked around like he had Woody's legs and he like looks at us and he's like "I've got a snake in my boot" and S and I just laughed sooo hard. I've never really talked to C before but he was really funny. Also, he was going up to random people that were giving him the dirtiest looks and he's like howdy hahahaha. NO ONE said hi back. wtf is that about. Anyways it was funny and enjoyable. It was a good day.
Momma is probably on her way here soon so we'll see her and then study. Great birthday plans haha.

not awkward?

Sooo today I went to the library and was not productive in the least. I had a hilarious time laughing at the people at the table beside me. They were discussing body building and swinging and how common it is for body builders to be swingers... news to me?
hahaha Anyways, I had a nice little chat (well texting chat) with RD last night/today and I think we're all good now so it should be chill when I see him I hope.

hahahaha.

"Dear guys in cargo shorts,
Indeed, they can hold everything... except a conversation with a girl.
Just trying to be helpful,
Vanessa."

kummoniwanalaya.

Last night my daddy came from Calgary and we went for dinner and it was actually really good. We also had a delicious bottle of wine and he brought me flowers and it was just really nice.
I came home, had a glass of win and watched the end of The Hangover with K and then I crawled in my bed at like 10:30 and turned on Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, alone. Haha I didn't even make it to the sorting hat part before I fell asleep. Oh well, I was tired and needed the sleep I guess.
Today I'm gonna go to the library right away then likely go to the gym. Tonight is kummoniwanalaya. It's a hawaiian party at the university and I personally think the name is clever and hilarious. Before it though the boys are having 'a rager' in their terminology at their house beforehand. I'll probably go there and see how the night goes.. Maybe kummoniwanalaya but we'll see. As of this moment I feel like sobriety is the best chocie for tonight but who knows how it will all end.

no regrets.

every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
and everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
some pages turned, some bridges burned,
but there were lessons learned.

love love love.

Also, my daddy is coming here today for birthday dinner. I'm really quite excited to see him and have a  nice little chat. I love dates with daddy. They're the best kind of dates anyways.

studio thursdays.

Last night I got drunk. Haha shocker right. I've actually been drinking lately but 've been having a LOT of fun for a change. I still go to the library every day and work hard at school and I'm sure I'll be skipping studio nights in like 2 weeks but for now, while my load is still light enough, I've been enjoying it. Last night I was the perfect drunk. I generally hate dancing because I'm never drunk enough so I get too drunk. But there was like all of us just dancing and living it up last night and it was just good old fun. I left before everyone else because I knew if I stayed too long I'd end up getting too drunk or not having fun etc. Plus I promised TK that I'd drink wine with her afterwards haha. So she picked me up and we went and drank wine and it was lovely.
JVN is coming to get me soon to go to school though so I better go get ready.
later gator.

history of homicide.

So I'm taking this class called history of homicide. And it's soooo interesting. It's going to be a lot of work because like this week alone I had 15 pages of notes and two cases to read and part of the criminal code dealing with death and homocide, etc. I suppose if I read it not at the last minute it won't be bad but at least what I'm reading (though extremely confusing) is incredibly fascinating. I'm actually like enjoying it minus trying to understand what the sections of the criminal code all mean.
I think taking this class was wise because it will give me some foresight into what the 3 years of my law degree will be like if I choose to do that. Anyways I need to go finish reading this so I can go study for tomorrow and go to the gym. Wish me luck!