Nostalgia

 I'm writing a book. Er, well, maybe excerpts of a book I want to write. Or maybe, excerpts of a book I'll never write. 

I was writing a section about sofaking and some of this stuff is like 13 years ago so my memory is a little foggy. I started reading about these things that I experienced so long ago. I was an entirely different person. 

On this blog, there is a quote in the upper lefthand corner, and it says, "if you could love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you could love the right one". And while I was reading through this, my husband brought me a coffee and a macaron, and today's advent calendar chocolate to share. We are living on the other side of the world. And tears just poured out of my eyes and he was like, "why are you crying". And I said, it's just so beautiful. You are everything I've ever wished for. 

When I read through this, I feel such a strange nostalgia. I feel such a sad aspect of my life and how beautiful of a human number 12 was. He was never the right person, and I wanted him to be so badly. But I never had that level of 'in love' with him. And he deserved so much better from me. 

When I read about big brother, I feel so sad. What a beautiful friendship. Sending that guy so much love and so much gratitude for the beauty of the time we were blessed to spend together. 

Self-love is hard.

It was so funny when I heard my voice say it out loud to her. "You deserve this kind of love. You deserve to be treated like this. You should not feel guilty when someone helps you out. I know, because it's something that has taken me a very long time to understand myself. In fact, I still struggle with it."

Incomplete Interrogation.

I started answering these questions in February of 2015. I'm dying looking back at how my life has changed. 

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life? There are lots of boys and girls in my life. I'm grateful for the incredible girls in my life who build me up, the boys who have impacted me in a way I never thought 
2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? Absolutely. I think if you don't forgive people, you're hurting yourself more because you extend the pain. 
3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”  Yucky kitties and S trying to convince me I'd like her cats. 
4:What’s something you really want right now? In terms of what. I really want a lot of things right now. I think more than anything, I really want to know exactly what J wants us to be. 
5:Are you afraid of falling in love? No. I fall in love easy. I'm afraid of someone falling in love with me though. 
6:Do you like the beach? I LOVE the beach. I would love to lay on a beach for 2 days uninterrupted. 
7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? I absolutely have. 
8:What’s the background on your cell? The background is a fit girl with an inspiring message about working hard. The lock screen is a Kid President photo that says, "If you make the world better for kids, you make it better for everyone". 
9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, ZG's, B and T's, BR's. 
10:Do you like your phone? No I wish I had an iPhone. I really mis my iPhone. 
11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I suppose it depends what things you are referring to. Some things in my life are going better than I could have ever planned. 
12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?  Royal Orchid Thai Spa ahahaahahahahahahahaha, 
13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler. I'm actually looking at French Bulldog puppies right now. 
14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?  Emotional. Physical can be fixed by drugs. 
15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? It depends where I was but probably a museum. 
16:Are you tired? So incredibly tired. 
17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? Since grade 10. 
18:Are they a relative? Nope. 
19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?  Absolutely not. 
20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? A few days ago sometime. 
21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Yes. 
22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Probably. But I won't be upset if I don't either. 
23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?  Zero, I hate jewelry. 
24:Is there a certain quote you live by? . "Don't ever put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll drop it. They'll Drop it every time." C. Barzak
25:What’s on your mind? Moving. Report cards. Money. A French bulldog. 
26:Do you have any tattoos?  Yep and I really, really want another one. Like in a bad way. 
27:What is your favorite colour?  Purple. Or grey. Or navy blue. 
28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Who knows. 
29:Who are you texting?  S. And DVZ. 
30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?  
31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? 
32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?  
33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? 
34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? 
35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? 
36:Were you single on Valentines Day?  
37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? 
38:What do your friends call you? . 
39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? 
40:Have you ever cried over a text? .
41:Where’s your last bruise located? 
42:What is it from?  
43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? 
44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? . 
45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?  
46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?  
47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? 
48:Do you make supper for your family? 
49:Does your bedroom have a door? Y 
50:Top 3 web-pages? 
51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?  
52:Does anything on your body hurt? 
53:Are goodbyes hard for you? 
54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?  
55:How is your hair? . 
56:What do you usually do first in the morning?  
57:Do you think two people can last forever?  
58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? 
59:Green or purple grapes?
60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? . 
61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? 
62:When will be the next time you text someone? . 
63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? 
64:What were you doing at 8 this morning? 
65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? 
66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? 
67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? 
68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?  
69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? 
70:How many windows are open on your computer? 
71:How many fingers do you have? 
72:What is your ringtone?  
73:How old will you be in 5 months? 
74:Where is your Mom right now? 
75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? 
76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? 
77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?  
78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in grade 7? . 
79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? 
80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? 
81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?  
82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? 
83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? 
84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? 
85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? 
86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? 
87:Who was your last received call from? 
88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? 
89:What is something you wish you had more of?  
90:Have you ever trusted someone too much? 
91:Do you sleep with your window open? 
92:Do you get along with girls? 
93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? . 
94:Does sex mean love?  
95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?  
96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? . 
97:Did you sleep alone this week?  
98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? 
99:Do you believe in love at first sight? 
100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I don't even know where to start.

My grandma died and my family is so unbelievably fucked up.

Power of a pen.

The thing that is so neat about this blog is to have the ability to look back and see how much I've grown as a person. For 10 years, I've been writing here. And really, I should write more. I should take the time for myself to share and to release and to free myself of the weights of this world and the stresses, big and little, that I carry each day.

It's pretty amazing really to look back at the person I was 10 years ago. What a transformation. The way I look at myself, the things I want out of life, the people I want to spend time with. The whole world is different. My whole world is different. 

When I was a little girl, I went through a lot of things. I saw and lived things that an 8, 10, 14 year old girl shouldn't live, or experience or worry about. And I remember my mom telling me one time, yes you have a lot of experience for someone your age, but there is a lot of life experience that you don't have. 

And I think that's just it. Most of the people in this world will never know the hardships I've endured in my life--- because I won't let them. And maybe that's arrogant because I don't want the world to see all the bumps and bruises and scars. Maybe it's brave to continue on after enduring such hardship. I don't know. 

I think as I get older the thing I find the most intriguing is just viewing all of that change and growth and the immense fortitude that I've been blessed with. 

Melt my heart.

On Saturday, we had a date night. We don't go on too many dates.. we'd rather stay home and cook together or relax. Save money for traveling, etc. 

On occasion, we go out though. And we went for dinner to a Spanish tapas restaurant and it was the most incredible dinner. We had an amazing GT to start the night and then just enjoyed all the different tapas. We ordered 2-3 at a time and slowly enjoyed some wine throughout the evening. 

He had just finished eating a seafood dish and I asked him if he was happy. 

He looked at me and he said, "food, drink and you-- how could I not be. Only one thing is missing-a foreign country-- two weeks." 

Imagine how much you could love the right one.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately. It's really interesting to me to think about how you grow and change as a human being.
I look back a few years. Even a year and a half and think about where I was emotionally as a human. When I got smushy, I needed someone to love me. That dog in many ways saved my life. When I realized that I was loveable, when he loved me so unconditionally, it changed the way I view myself. It wasn't an overnight change, self-love is an ongoing battle for me but I began to make progress. I started to recognize that I could be loved.
I spent so long immersing myself in unrequited love. And it's silly to think or say but I really was the one immersing myself in it. I lost myself in what I thought I wanted. I lost myself in a person who I thought was the one.
I went to his house the other day and it was such a weird and yet empowering experience. I sat there thinking back to the way I used to feel and realized that I wouldn't change a single second of everything I've been through. I wouldn't change a single second of my life with Poland. There was no part of me that wondered, "what if". I sat there and saw all the things I didn't want, all the things Joe Bastianich could never provide for me.
It's so funny how your perspective changes. I was so convinced that he was the one for me. And now, I can't imagine a different life. I can't imagine a world without Poland. Our life together is something so special.
When he says I love you, I say I love you more. He says nope. No way. When I ask how he knows, he says I just do. It's not about what he says though. It's the things he does to show me he loves me. It's the forehead kiss he gives me before he gets up in the morning. Doing the dishes and the laundry when I'm gone. Making me dinner, or sending me lunch to work when I am too busy-- because he knows I won't think about it and forget to eat. It's coming with my crazy family to an amusement park for the day on the busiest day of the year. When the kids say, "uncle P, can you go with me"? And he goes on a ride with them, or plays with them. When he knows I've had a tough week and I need a hug and he shows up with flowers just because he can.
The little things always mean the most. And the way that he demonstrates his love for me every day mean so much more than any word a person could say. The way that he loves me teaches me to love myself.

Growth

It's sort of funny how at every age in your life  as you go though experiences, you think that this has to be the hardest thing I'm ever going to go through. And then something else happens. And every time it feels terrifying and unnerving and you don't know how you will get through it. Yet somehow, every time you do. Every time I do.
And every time I go through an experience now, I'm less scared. Even when that first pang of fear and uncertainty hits you like a freight train, I have a different kind of understanding, perhaps a maturity, that calms me. It stabilizes me.

A little late

I had a moment today where I realized the magnitude of the decision we made. We're moving in together. And until now, no part of it has phased me. I had no major concerns, no worries. We really haven't had any major blow outs of fights. A few arguments, a few disagreements of course, but nothing unkind or attacking.
I've been grumpy the last few days. The stress of everything  going on right now is really getting to me. Moving has been the biggest headache. I'm already out of my place because the girl I was living with put her house up for sale. Having a dog is not conducive to selling a house because I can't leave work on an hour's notice and pick him up. My stuff is mostly there; clothes and such here at a friend's house. We don't get possession of our place until April 1. The possession date for the place all of my stuff is in March 20.
So basically I have to move twice. Huge pain in the ass. I emailed my new landlord and I am PRAYING that he can somehow move up his possession date, so we can move up our move-in date. In the grand scheme of things, it probably won't save me money because we'll have to pay half a month's rent, however-- it will save me the hassle of moving TWICE.
The other idea my dad had is one of those moving storage containers. But those are expensive so that's going to cost like 600 bucks and there's nowhere really to even put it on either property so that's not really helpful either.
I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. It's such a hassle. I just want to cry. I'm living in a place (rent-free, so I appreciate that)

I don't think anything has ever resonated more.

"One of the most validating things I have ever experienced was this counsellor telling me something along the lines of, "I think you know that your parents are never going to be what you need them to be. Even if your friends' parents and your partner's parents are to them what they need of them. You need to establish boundaries between yourself and them and stop giving them so much when you don't receive the same in return".

Majestic, graceful, respect.

He sent me this the other day, and all he said was read the caption.

This is why I'm in love with him. The way he treats me, his respect for me and women in general. The way he views our relationship and how we treat one another and interact, it's amazing. It's so respectful.

We were talking about it more so he sent me the picture of a lioness putting a lion in his place and we teased--- Then he sent me the bottom part.
That's just it. It's a team, together, the two of us. We spoke about putting an image like that up in a very visible place when we have a home together. A reminder for who we are and how we treat one another even at the most difficult, stressful, frustrating and unnerving times. On any occasion, it has to be the two of us standing together.

Reminiscing on the first date.

New Year's Day.

We had the BEST New Year's. It was honestly one of the best evenings of my entire life. It started with a bit of an argument and turned into a really nice evening. 

I made a lamb roast with rosemary baby potatoes, honey carrots and beets and a homemade mint tzatziki. We shared a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and some prosecco and wine and just cuddled on the couch, chatting and waiting for the countdown. Right before bed, we said I love you. 

This is what he said to me the night after. 

Fight initiated.

Poland's parents, amoung many other couples fight so much over the dumbest shit. So for us, it has kind of become a running joke. And instead of actually getting mad we just tease one another about irritating things and laugh about people who let these things upset them and cause strife in relationships. The above, is an example when he exploded shit in my microwave and didn't wipe it up-- which is irritating but he just forgot in his hunger rage haha. 

He is so incredible. In every single way.

A night to remember

It’s such an incredible feeling when you realize why nothing worked out the way you hoped before. When you realize that the person you’re with is one you can build a life with-one you want to build a life with.
We were chatting tonight about the little things he does and how much they mean to me because I was explaining things he does that he doesn’t realize or even think about that most men don't do in general, let alone boys in our generation. We were talking about his friend that came to the hockey game with us and he made a comment that D walked through the door before I did. He never walks through the door before me. Not ever.
We were downtown and I was going to get in the passenger side of my vehicle but that was the side closest to the road with traffic... he walked around the vehicle with me and stood to make sure there was no traffic coming lest I get hit by a car.
Last night he knew I was irritated with the way the day went and he brought me flowers. Not because I was mad, but because he thought it would be a nice way to start a new year.
Tonight I thanked him for such a nice evening last night and day today and he thanked me in return, told me how lovely it was and said there’s no one he would’ve rather spent it with.
The way we treat one another, the way we speak to one another and look at one another and laugh at each other is all done with great respect for the other person. He did something tonight and I teased him a little saying he’s so thoughtful (he's been telling me since I met him that he has a heart of stone). He laughed and pokes back only thoughtful when it come to me.
I am so unabashedly in love with him.
I told him for the first time last night that I loved him. And he gazed so long at me and without skipping a beat says I love you too. I told him I didn’t want him to just say it. He shook his head at me as only we do and said you know I mean it. And I did. I do know he means it. It is the neatest thing in the world— to feel like this.

It’s just so right.

How do you know when you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with someone? How do you know when you finally found it?

my heart

My mistake.

On my birthday, he came to pick me up. He texted me that he was hear. I opened the front door and start criticizing, "you can't even come to the..." I paused. He was standing on my front step with a bouquet of flowers for me. My heart melted. It was something from a movie. He drives me crazy some days but he sure knows how to make a girl feel special.

Late.

My mom and one of my sisters have both told me they think I'm going to be married before my sister is. FYI that's just over a  year until her wedding. The idea of that is crazy to me. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm not ready to get married yet.
I thought I posted that awhile back.
Honestly, he's wonderful and I see many things that are in accordance with how I want to spend my life. The lifestyle, the priorities, etc. It's been a tough few weeks for us. We've been so busy and it's really difficult when you don't see one another. We also are both learning how to be together. I've been alone for so long that it's really difficult for me to be with someone. Sometimes, that means my expectations of him are unreasonable which is unfair because he's been incredibly upfront about what to expect for hockey season.
What I do love, is the way we communicate. When I'm upset, I tell him and he's receptive. He also stands up for himself and puts me in my place. He tells me I'm wrong without making me feel crappy. I want someone who will challenge me in my life and he does.