You are more consistently inconsistent than I am.

I honestly should just never speak out loud. I never know what I'm talking about or I end up more confused than ever. 

Tonight I was almost finished work. They were going to let me leave so I could go with D to a housewarming party. Then all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to go anymore. It was like J found out I had plans with a male and then boom I'm not allowed to leave. 

Then his brother came. And he's like B have you never met T? And I was like nope. He's like why didn't you come introduce yourself and I was like well I'm not going to come interrupt you and he's like let's go. I'll introduce you. I talk about you and T said he's never met you.  

So I went over and met his brother. It's weird because like I know stuff about him but I have no idea what he knows about me. It was kind of awkward because like I've seen a video of him dancing half naked to the spice girls hahahahaha. 

I never know with him.

Last night I told mom I think he has a girlfriend. It was really strange actually. He came and spoke to us for quite some time. After he walked away, she said mm yeah I don't think so. 

I don't know what to think. I feel really disconnected from everyone right now. I don't blame him, I really haven't spoken to him much. I really haven't spoken to anyone much. I don't know what to say. I've only really talked to D. Everyone else I'm short with. I've really stepped back. I'm terrified to talk to anyone. I told J when I said I needed to talk to him that I didn't want anyone to know but I needed a friend. I was really afraid of the wrong person getting wind of it. I want to talk to him but I'm afraid. Mom asked me why I'm afraid. Am I afraid he won't like me anymore?

I told her I don't know what his feelings towards me are. What I'm afraid of is that he'll look at me different. I see myself differently. And I know we all make mistakes and a bad choice doesn't define you but I'm better than this and I know that I am and I know better. It changed how I view myself and in all honesty, that's going to be a continuous struggle for me. When I cheated on 12, it took me years to rebuild my self-respect and my self-confidence. I'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm not a bad person but right now, I certainly feel that way. 

I don't understand it right now.

Give it a thought.

I feel so disconnected.

My sister sent this to me today.

It's today.

This.

Something I've recently learned.

A writer.

I just read the article I wrote for the restaurant. I'm actually pretty impressed with it. Sometimes I forget that I have power in my pen.

Broken record.

You'd think by now I'd learn.

I forgot about this but damn is it important.

I'm an expert at play it safe and keep it cool.

I really hate it when people try to spare your feelings. Tell me the fucking truth. I'm not a child. I am not going to crumble because you don't love me back. In fact, I'm an expert at unrequited love. And I'll probably be more supportive than anyone in your life. I'll show zero sign of how broken my heart is because one day I'll get over it. 

Is it supposed to be easy?

How do you know when you find the one? Is it really easy? Or is it the roller coaster of emotion because it matters? I see so many different types of relationships and I sometimes wonder what that forever love feels like. They say nothing worth having comes easy so what gives. 

Maybe it's okay to be broken.

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better.

Today was hard. I'm exhausted and emotional and I just want to sit in my bed and cry for hours. 

Weirdest compliment ever.

Also, a kid told me this week that I have nice fingers hahahaahahahaha. Weirdest compliment ever. I'm handing out paper to these kids and he just looks at me and says, "you have really nice fingers Miss B." I fucking burst out laughing. My class burst out laughing. It was absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever heard. I nearly fell of the desk I was sitting on.
The next day a kid jokingly made a rude comment to me and another kid was like, "oh well, at least you have nice fingers". Children crack me up.

And sometimes, you get tired of the hard lessons.

I talked to him the other night. When I was with D and I was dreading having to be around C or J because I'm not ready to deal with it. So he gave me an elaborate story to tell people about what happened so that I didn't have to talk about it. I was dying laughing because I am a terrible liar and no one would've believe me and also because anyone who knows me knows that is a completely unrealistic story.
I mean, granted the truth is not necessarily the most believable. At least, not expected from me.

But J won't pressure me too much I don't think. I told him I would probably need his support at some point but I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. He'll probably leave it alone until I bring it up. He's pretty good at that. I don't know if it's because he's trying to be respectful or if he's too overwhelmed to pressure me much. I've had to really keep my distance lately. I need to process this in my own way before I involve anyone who doesn't need to be involved.
It's tough because I really haven't told anyone. Only my mom and dad and sister and brother and D know. I'm pretty good at not relying on other people. My mom and sister keep telling me that's a big part of the lesson. To ask for help. To rely on the support from those around me.
I'm pretty good at doing things on my own. I am actually terrible at asking for help. And the problem is that when I trust someone enough to ask for help, and I actually ask them, I end up thinking that they're the only one who can help me; they're the only one who can save me.
I think that's the real reason I haven't told J yet. I have D in this situation. If I didn't, there's no way I would have been able to not tell J because I don't know if there's anyone in my life I trust as much as him. And I know there are people that I should trust because I am really lucky. I have some really great friends. Not really here though. I mean I think B and C would be there for me but I don't really know if they could keep it to themselves. Same with K or E. I'm sure they'd support me but someone else would find out. It's kind of like Hosseini said, "Tell your secrets to the wind but don't blame it for telling the trees."
I could tell T or D. I just don't really want anyone to know. I don't know who to rely on here. I sometimes feel so bad because D and my sister are really the only people I've spoken to about it. My mom and sister think I should go talk to someone. Maybe I should. D is honestly the most supportive and best thing for me in the situation because he'd really do anything but he doesn't let me forget either. This is an experience. A lesson. A really hard learning curve.
I know that I will be better, stronger, smarter from this. I know that I will. But that doesn't make it any easier right now.

What the fuck.

I have had a whole lot of serving nightmares in my life but I don't think I've ever had a dream like last night. I dreamed that one of my students died. It was horrible. It terrifies me to dream sometimes, especially about death because my intuition is often very strong.

2 weeks was a good run.

It was inevitable. I knew he would find out eventually. I haven't told him or even responded to his message yet. 

He texted me today and said C said that S is looking for a new roommate. Are you okay? 

C also texted me today and asked where I was moving. I haven't answered her either. 

Since day one I knew I'd tell him eventually. I don't know if I'm ready to tell him the full story yet. This entire thing is a process for me. I'm trying to understand and I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to take the lesson as it comes. I thought he would know something was wrong earlier. I've been pretty distant. The first time I saw him I was cold. Really cold. I was visibly stressed though so I don't think he thought too much of it. I think he's only seen me once since then. 

So now I am sitting here trying to figure out what to tell him exactly. And how much. 

I was talking to my sister about it and she's like I can't believe you haven't told him. And I was like ya we haven't spoken much. I took a step back. I don't want him to feel like he has to be here for me. I want him to be here because he wants to. And she was like but he will support you. He will be there for you if you let him. I'm struggling most with the lack of control I have right now. The unknown. Helplessness. I can't do anything. I don't know anything. 

My mom said to me this is part of the lesson.  You have to learn to release control and to accept help. That's a really big struggle for me. And mom said but you have to. You have to be able to receive the same way you give. But I don't do that. It's really easy for me to give myself and my time to others. But I am not really good at receiving help from others. 

So I guess we'll see how this goes.