2 weeks was a good run.

It was inevitable. I knew he would find out eventually. I haven't told him or even responded to his message yet. 

He texted me today and said C said that S is looking for a new roommate. Are you okay? 

C also texted me today and asked where I was moving. I haven't answered her either. 

Since day one I knew I'd tell him eventually. I don't know if I'm ready to tell him the full story yet. This entire thing is a process for me. I'm trying to understand and I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to take the lesson as it comes. I thought he would know something was wrong earlier. I've been pretty distant. The first time I saw him I was cold. Really cold. I was visibly stressed though so I don't think he thought too much of it. I think he's only seen me once since then. 

So now I am sitting here trying to figure out what to tell him exactly. And how much. 

I was talking to my sister about it and she's like I can't believe you haven't told him. And I was like ya we haven't spoken much. I took a step back. I don't want him to feel like he has to be here for me. I want him to be here because he wants to. And she was like but he will support you. He will be there for you if you let him. I'm struggling most with the lack of control I have right now. The unknown. Helplessness. I can't do anything. I don't know anything. 

My mom said to me this is part of the lesson.  You have to learn to release control and to accept help. That's a really big struggle for me. And mom said but you have to. You have to be able to receive the same way you give. But I don't do that. It's really easy for me to give myself and my time to others. But I am not really good at receiving help from others. 

So I guess we'll see how this goes.