And sometimes, you get tired of the hard lessons.

I talked to him the other night. When I was with D and I was dreading having to be around C or J because I'm not ready to deal with it. So he gave me an elaborate story to tell people about what happened so that I didn't have to talk about it. I was dying laughing because I am a terrible liar and no one would've believe me and also because anyone who knows me knows that is a completely unrealistic story.
I mean, granted the truth is not necessarily the most believable. At least, not expected from me.

But J won't pressure me too much I don't think. I told him I would probably need his support at some point but I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. He'll probably leave it alone until I bring it up. He's pretty good at that. I don't know if it's because he's trying to be respectful or if he's too overwhelmed to pressure me much. I've had to really keep my distance lately. I need to process this in my own way before I involve anyone who doesn't need to be involved.
It's tough because I really haven't told anyone. Only my mom and dad and sister and brother and D know. I'm pretty good at not relying on other people. My mom and sister keep telling me that's a big part of the lesson. To ask for help. To rely on the support from those around me.
I'm pretty good at doing things on my own. I am actually terrible at asking for help. And the problem is that when I trust someone enough to ask for help, and I actually ask them, I end up thinking that they're the only one who can help me; they're the only one who can save me.
I think that's the real reason I haven't told J yet. I have D in this situation. If I didn't, there's no way I would have been able to not tell J because I don't know if there's anyone in my life I trust as much as him. And I know there are people that I should trust because I am really lucky. I have some really great friends. Not really here though. I mean I think B and C would be there for me but I don't really know if they could keep it to themselves. Same with K or E. I'm sure they'd support me but someone else would find out. It's kind of like Hosseini said, "Tell your secrets to the wind but don't blame it for telling the trees."
I could tell T or D. I just don't really want anyone to know. I don't know who to rely on here. I sometimes feel so bad because D and my sister are really the only people I've spoken to about it. My mom and sister think I should go talk to someone. Maybe I should. D is honestly the most supportive and best thing for me in the situation because he'd really do anything but he doesn't let me forget either. This is an experience. A lesson. A really hard learning curve.
I know that I will be better, stronger, smarter from this. I know that I will. But that doesn't make it any easier right now.