Bitches being bitches.

Fuck I hate women. Girls are just the worst sort of bitches. 

Thanks kid.

Today I was telling LG and BC how shitty I felt about myself because I've lost 10lbs but it's not good 10lbs. It's not fat, it's definitely muscle from not working out or eating well and from being so sick this week. 

Tonight when J walked in, he smiled looked me up and down and said you're sooo skinny! 

I said ya I lost 10lbs this week but not in a good way. But thanks for saying that because I have been feeling shitty about myself. He's like that's not healthy but you are very skinny. 

So that made my whole day basically. I haven't been feeling good about myself and that definitely helps to hear something like that from him. 

As we age.

II think it is so good for me to have other men treat me well. To know that there are more men out there like that. I like that D opens my door and buys my coffee and is genuinely nice to me. He's a gentleman and I find it so refreshing to spend time with men like that. 

The last few days he's been so good about me being sick. Last night he told me if I needed anything to let him know. It just feels nice to have people who are like me because even though he lives on the other side of the city, I genuinely think he'd come bring me whatever I asked for. And I would do the same. But I think that's rare. There aren't many people out there like that. 

The more time I spend with older men, the less interest I have in any even remotely close to my age. At this point, I don't even know if I'd consider someone younger than 30. That's 6 years age difference and it'd have to be someone pretty incredible to change my mind. I can't be bothered to put up with the immaturity or the partying. I want someone who's settled and grown up and has goals for their life but the ambition and the commitment to actually achieve those goals. If you're 30 years old and you have yet to achieve anything, what's the point? I don't want to babysit. I want a mutually exclusive relationship that's mutually beneficial. I want to build you up but I want him to build me up too. I think at this point, I've really started to change what I'm attracted to. I wouldn't say I only cared about looks but I will say that looks become less and less important to me. Neither DT or J are "my type" but there are many things I find attractive about them. At the end of the day it really is about how the other person treats you and what you can build together. 

Head spinning.

I cannot sleep at all. Fuck. 

Speechless.

I'm physically shaking right now because he asked me to go to London with him tonight. This is literally what I wished for, for the last year. What an experience it would be. I am in complete shock. I really hope I can make this work.

I can honestly say I was stunned. He said, what are you doing September 27-30, pointing to the calendar where it says J gone. And I said I don't know but I can take care of Dukey for you... Where are you going?
He said no, I want you to come with me to London.
I said oh.

Hello darling.

So tonight I walked into OJ's and A says wow shorts really accentuate your ass. And I was a little thrown off but he looked fucking good. Like he's growing a beard and I think he and H have broken up like I'm intrigued. He's a babe. I've always thought that so we'll see. Maybe I'll visit him a tad more often and put the feels out. He gave me 2 free drinks tonight so that was pretty nice. 

Nothing lovely.

Overwhelmed.

Teaching junior high is fucking chaos.

First official teacher organizational day.

Well here goes nothing. 

Build yourself up.

I feel like I'm pretty good at building other people up. But the problem is that I never build myself up. I am the first person to put myself down. Even when I have a major accomplishment, I tend to focus on my errors instead of my accomplishments.
I'd really like to be better to myself. I know that it's a weakness for me.

I'm actually laughing so hard.

Heavy.

Sometimes I  just get so incredibly tired of being alone. It's like everybody has somebody, except for me.

Fuck.

I wish I didn't miss him so dearly when he wasn't around. 

Progress is appreciated.

So today I had two really nice moments with him and I'm really happy he's being like this. This afternoon I made a comment about the tennis balls outside my house this morning being a sign and the European lady who was grilling me about playing tennis and he said I'm serious B, I'll teach you and E. I'm like yeah I need to go get a racquet. And he's like no I have an extra one. So that was nice. 

And then tonight I said ugh the bald Man U guy is here and I told him his jersey made me want to puke and he said have you ever even been to a game in the flesh? And I said no. And he said wel you're not a true friend. So now we HAVE to go to a game this year. And he said okay, Chelsea in January.  

Soo maybe we're going to a soccer game? 

The Kite Runner

The only sin.

Naive thought.

Progress. A good start.

Today was interesting. It was our first day of work together since our little chat. He made a point to say hello as soon as he got there and he made a point to come say goodbye before he left. He's trying. And I appreciate that. He jokingly waved his tennis racket at me as though he were going to whack me with it and I said, "E and I are going to learn to play tennis!" He's like really!?!? Gooooddd! Finally! (He's being trying to convince me for like 2 years). So then I said yeah I know I really want to learn. And he says, I'll teach you! 

He knows he fucked right up and he thought he lost me. I hope he realizes how valuable I am. Because it broke my heart not to have him around and I hope he realized it broke his to lose me. 

Silly.

Last night went pretty well, I guess. I mean we really danced around the issues and talked about other stuff. The first thing he said when I got there was, "I'm sorry". He has probably said I'm sorry to me 4 times in his life. He said, "First of all, I'm sorry because your feelings are clearly hurt and that's not okay nor is it my intention. I don't want to make you upset".
I appreciate that he started out by apologizing instead of on a confrontational basis. He rarely takes responsibility for doing anything wrong so it was nice that he started off that way. We talked a little bit about it but mostly, I am just happy to how he responded. I told him that too. This morning was the most I felt like you cared about our friendship in months. And he's like obviously you feel like this is one sided and we can fix that but you have to talk to me when you're upset about something. So we'll see how things go from here.
DVZ asked me today if I had a key to his house. She's like you guys are seriously dating without sex. You're married. It's ridiculous.

Speechless.

Jesus Christ. That did not go how I expected it to go. My heart is pounding in my chest and there are butterflies the size of fucking rabbits playing tag in my stomach. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I matter, at all, to him. He said I feel like I've lost a friend and I don't even know why so when you're ready to fix it we can talk about it. 

So I guess we're going to talk about it this afternoon.