so much to say, too tired to speak.

I know what I was feeling....
but what was I thinking.

and this is what he said.

"I can't believe you'd actually believe the rumors. After all this time, you know me better than that. I would've been much more creative, at least for you if I were going to say something like that."

I'm a bitch; a funny bitch.

Tonight I drove by on my way home. hahaha it took everything inside of me not to text him and be like "yo, tell the dumb slut who's car is outside your house that this is Canada, Alberta to be specific NOT California or Hawaii so she can take her stupid lei off her rearview mirror."
hahaha that is one of my biggest pet peeves. And I can probably describe the broad to you strictly based on her car/ lei that accompanied it.

noah.

"I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."

truth.

"It is in these tender and ridiculous moments of nostalgia that I know something inside of me is still broken."

he taught me to love on the hard days.

I burned those wheels down the highway.
and I learned what I learned the hard way.
do the best you can do, love many, trust few
work hard for the money in your hand,
that's the measure of a man.

heat lightening.

Nothing really happened. I'm just annoyed. I hate that he just is so sexy and attracts so many girls and he just is loving it right now. I think he finally realized HOW good looking he is because he often forgets. I just want to punch him in the face. Or slap him and tell him to figure it the fuck out because it's not sweet that he's banging a bunch of sluts. UGH. I sometimes wish I could be one of those girls. You know? The ones that can just have sex like a guy and it doesn't mean anything to them. They play the boy before the boy plays them. It's so frustrating for me because I am just not like that. And everybody is just like hook up with someone, date someone, be with someone else. It'll help you move on.
I know that it won't. Like all that will do is make me feel like a slut. I won't feel better or over him or any of it. I will feel like I betrayed him. How do I get over this stupid bullshit feeling. How do I completely let go.


How do I let go enough to stop caring for a year or two.

that is all.

I fucking hate boys.

relationships suck.

I know how stupid it is. I know. And every 'I told you so' light and buzzer is going off in my head right now. I'm not like upset that I haven't talked to number 12 in a few days (sunday night) but I'm a bit sad. Or not sad really. I guess I just enjoy talking to him. And I kind of forgot how much I actually enjoy our every day conversations. He made a comment about talking to someone who can hold a real conversation... and I guess that's just it. I miss us being able to just talk all the time and never run out of things to talk about or awkward-ness. You know?
I keep hoping he'll text me because I just want to chat. And I know in my heart that he has to initiate this so that I don't let him too close.

emotions running high.

I'm so lame haha. I was watching the craig morgan 'this ain't nothin'' video and I started crying.

tell me why.

It's silly but simply talking to the kid puts me in a better mood with a smile on my face. I hate that he has that much influence on my happiness. But I guess that's love.
I'm sitting here studying before family dinner and the gym just talking to him and it's so silly but I haven't had this genuine of a smile in a long time.

itunes shuffle gets me everytime.

when you find yourself in some far off place and it causes you to rethink some things, you start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone else,
and then you find yourself.
well you go through life so sure of where you're headed and you wind up lost and it's the best thing that could've happened. 'cause sometimes when you lose your way, it's really just as well because
you find yourself.

I just wanna be mad for awhile.

He text me again.

life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.

I'd love to stand outside the fire. Too bad he already has a large tank of gasoline attached to my heart and the line and lighter in hand.

standing outside the fire.

Annoyed. I think that's the best word to describe this. Number twelve text me this morning. And I was just kind of like what the fuck. And I answered him a few hours later and then he answered me right away and I waited another few hours and answered. I am trying to keep him at arms length. Further than that; being arms length is much too close for that boy. I guess I just don't understand. Like at first I wanted to be like since when the fuck do you care how I am or what's new in my life. Like I'm just so pissed off that he has the nerve to ask me the questions he has today after the last few months. It's not okay to treat me like this. Then I realized that not answering him or losing it on him will do no good.
And I'm better than that. If he wants to be a dick that's fine. But I'm better than that. I don't need to be a bitch back because that's not who I am. Yes, I'm hurting but if I treat him how he's treating me then I'm no better than him. And hurting him would not make me feel better and it will not make our situation better.
KB (my roommate) told me to just tell him how wonderful my life is without him. He said that would piss him off more than anything. It would be worse than ignoring him or being a bitch to tell him how wonderful my life is without him even though I don't feel that way.
I guess I'm just trying to understand why now. Why whenever I start to feel back on my feet again does he come back? How does he know that I'm finally doing okay again? I have been praying for this every single day and now I can't figure out why I wanted that. I mean, I love him and at some point in my life, yes I honestly believe we will end up together. But if this is just another attempt to get close to me to destroy my heart again, I don't want it because I am so tired of being broken. I am tired of everything being on his terms.
I just want to be happy again. Content.

the same one.

I'm just sitting here in the tears pouring down my cheeks for a silly boy.
again.

love sucks.

I went to Crazy, Stupid Love last night and that movie is so hard to watch. It was much funnier than I expected which was refreshing. Every time I'd start to cry, more because of things with number twelve than it actually being sad some one (likely Ryan Gosling who is an absolute babe by the way) would say something and the whole theatre would burst out laughing.
It was just hard to watchh because they reiterated the concept of a soulmate, believing in that kind of love and how you never give up on someone you love that much even if you met at fifteen and there's been some pretty huge mistakes made. I don't know it just kind of reminded me that I promised myself I wouldn't ever give up because I do love number twelve and I will always love him from the bottom of my heart.

in a box beneath my bed is a letter that you never read.

It's been a long weekend. Not in terms of 4 days in terms of long, draining, busy. Work has been excruciating. I'm exhausted. And yet somehow my body has enough energy to be sad. Even after I went for a drive with dragon today and then went to the gym for two hours to relieve all my stress. I suppose it's time I finally write the letter to number twelve that has been sitting inside my head and my heart for three and a half weeks now. Wish me luck.

wish I would press rewind and rewrite every line to the story of me and you.

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you off my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by. And I'm lost and confused I've got nothing to lose. Hope to hear from you soon,
P.S. I'm still not over you.

I'd rather build sandcastles.

I've got this picture in my head
of where I ought to be and when.
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
"Life it happens while we're busy making plans".